Inside the Isolator

STEVER's PUBLIC PLAYGROUND COLLABORATION

2011-09-29T08:46:00.000-07:00

Here it is! This is a Public Playground...we're allowed to be here! ROCK ON!
Please share with as many people as possible and encourage people to buy it from iTunes. ALL MONEY goes to MusiCares to take care of Artists & Musicians.
http://itunes.apple.com/ca/album/public-playground-single/id461571268

STEVER playing (that word used loosely) the Akkordion...

2011-08-18T20:30:00.001-07:00

Public Playground Artwork (Music & Video coming!)

2011-08-15T08:13:00.000-07:00

This is the artwork for the song we did together; 'Public Playground' (for Itunes)
Video is COMING! ;)

Hey guys! Just wanted to clear up some emails/questions. Here's what is going on;

2011-08-08T15:06:00.001-07:00

*Next STEVER CD 'Idiot Savant'; working on it! (plus sewing wardrobe, crafts for it)

*'Idiot Savant' -the book; ...over time... lol

*Jammit; man is that gonna blow up. BIG things happening! (finally approved by Apple, website coming)

*thepublicrecord.com; new website looks killer, can't wait to share it with you so you can all start hosting your own music/art projects!

*The Public Playground song; adding to Itunes- at their discretion when it will be for sale so we can raise money for our Charity!

*The Public Playground Video; All the files are in one spot after my big move and we are putting it together. To the 100 people who participated; you guys look smashing!

*Sloppy; is having an epic day every day. ;) I am loving life.

My Cello in PIECES!!!

2011-08-02T06:23:00.000-07:00

Oh my poor, poor faceless cello!!!!! :(

2011-08-02T06:20:00.000-07:00

The inspiration behind IDIOT SAVANT (the next STEVER record) + song/chapter titles

2011-08-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

I have an announcement...

2011-04-12T18:31:00.001-07:00

I turned my world upside down...here's a personal and MUSIC update! ~STEVER

2011-03-24T18:28:00.000-07:00

Is the Small Stuff Keeping you from the Big Stuff?

2011-01-19T19:35:00.000-08:00

Between several meetings this past week, I couldn’t help but think about how much time gets wasted worrying about the little things. There is a saying which suggests, ‘it’s all in the details’ but I think that applies to when we are doing something creative or when the important task at hand requires special attention.

However, I don’t think it applies to when we are so distracted by the things which ultimately don’t apply in the grander scheme of things. There have been so many scenarios where we are distracted by personal vendettas or trying to prove we can do something we were told we can’t. This to me is a severe waste of precious time.

I’ve talked before about how valuable every moment is and how important I think it is to guard our lifestyle. I also think it’s important to note when something is distracting us from realizing our true self and purpose. This is the tricky part. The media, friends, our job and family never seem to be exhausted of steering us into their lifestyle and their purpose. We are not taught to be leaders, we are taught to follow with the flock.

I sincerely believe that each one of us has an important job, lesson or journey which is trying to gain our attention but the problem is that our own calling usually isn’t very boisterous in its approach. The true voice usually comes as an insistent whisper addressing the very depths of our core instead of being broadcast with dazzling lights. That has been my experience anyways.

I believe my true calling has been to reintroduce love and compassion again. I sure can tell you I am not a perfect example of that and I often wonder why the call is so strong, but I suppose even if you aren’t perfect at your calling, you can be a pretty good messenger. The problem I have had with my calling is that it didn’t fit in with two things;

1. My Career Agenda &
2. My Vengeance

I grew up wanting to be in the spotlight. I wanted to act, sing and make music and I do still enjoy those all. The problem was that my ego was not in check and therefore it never flew back then how I wanted it to. It was all about ‘look at me’ instead of regarding music and the arts as a way to either reach out or heal. This agenda was in mass conflict because a higher calling was telling me I needed to do it differently. I didn’t want to listen to that voice because it simply didn’t seem very glamorous.

The other conflict was that my higher calling was not in alignment with all the plans I had to inflict vengeance on those who have done me wrong. I became absolutely obsessed not with attacking back, but proving my worth in certain scenarios. If I wanted to be a superstar and those around me didn’t think I could, it would fuel me to work harder towards becoming that. The problems and conflicts came when the journey to that position showed me things which were contrary to my character and that is when the true battle switched from being ‘me VS them’ to ‘me VS me’. Essentially, the voice inside me became stronger to follow it rather than my other agendas.

Many times within the businesses I am involved in I witness times when our focus gets pulled to seek vengeance or prove our worth. Then, many, many hours and days will get wasted on adding chalk lines onto small victories which end up leaving us farther away from our initial goals. Some of these are based in fear and paranoia and some are based on easy win scenarios that are the equivalent to winning the lottery.

How many times do we do this in our personal lives and relationships? Something our partner says or does pulls us farther away from our calling and all we had to do was stop it in its tracks. ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’ is a popular saying. My Mom used to say, ‘it’ll all come out in the wash’. Those sayings while true, don’t quite punctuate the point I am trying to make. I am merely suggesting that somewhere the way we allowed something or someone to distract us or trick us into not doing what life wants us to do or is pulling us in the opposite direction of our full potential. Think about how many people spend their time complaining about what the other person is doing and if you were to ask them what they were doing, they would say they were busy complaining about the other guy.

If you had to write down a list of all the things which pull your mind away from the true voice inside of you, could you identify what those are? Is it gossip and bad-mouthing? Is it money? Is it the potential of being famous? Is it keeping up with the Joneses? Is it negativity? Is there something that keeps appealing to your lavish side when a more modest lifestyle is where you are truly needed? I suppose this is what happens when people sell everything and go back-pack in a poor country to help out.

We all have various things which fuel us and I don’t see anything wrong with taking our raw emotions in that particular moment of the day to give us a bit of spark, but I suspect it doesn’t contain the longevity and attention truly required of us to meet our full potential and realize our individual worth.

The small stuff is like the coyote in sheep’s clothing. It often comes to us in the form of excess which could be an oxymoron. It seems like it should have our attention when underneath, it’s very dangerous for us to be concentrating on it. The truly bigger stuff is often like a bunny rabbit nibbling away in the corner patiently waiting for us. We don’t understand that is the more important place to be because it seems to be too calm.

I thought it was interesting that this is the year of the Rabbit. ;) Maybe everything is finally aligning to be gentler all the way around.

I feel the urge to go read some Beatrix Potter now,

Karen :)

“It is said that the effect of eating too much lettuce is ‘soporific’.”

Update from Karen

2011-01-19T19:34:00.000-08:00

When Your Crush is Not Reciprocated

2011-01-12T17:55:00.000-08:00

I guess it’s happened enough times to me now that I will discuss the topic. I have online friends who now and then will send me a harsh message followed up by blocking or deleting me. I’m usually left in a state of, ‘Wow, no idea what happened there.’

The human imagination is pretty powerful. I love that it can lift a plane off the ground or send people into orbit. I love that it can write a song or paint a picture. I love that it can make us laugh, giggle and have a good time.

The human mind however has the tendency to create falsehoods that aren’t even real based on what I would call a ‘colorful imagination’.

For many years online, I have been pretty clear about my intent without trying to be assuming with everyone’s intent. Right in my bios, I have written, ‘only online for friendship’ or ‘only interested in friendship’ or ‘I love you guys tone, but please keep it pro’.

Some people are really cool and will just need a one sentence clarification from me to clear up why I am online. Others react according to a movie that has obviously played out in their mind.

Imagine watching 10 minutes of a film, leaving to go run some errands and returning home to catch the paramount part of the film where one line all comes together. You would feel like you missed a lot, right? Well some people will play a whole movie out in their heads about relationships they are developing and the character they inserted in their imagination doesn’t get to be let in on what they are thinking. They just give them the first line of the movie and the last line they are to deliver. That’s how I feel.

The kind of confusing message happens to me when I go about my daily work life, check my email and the last line of the film I know nothing about is there. All other topics aside for a minute, if you want to really annoy me, just send me one random line and don’t let me know what you are talking about.

The whole thing is, I probably won’t spend too much time investigating. I’ll ask you what you mean and then move on because I hate mind games.

I would say 80 % of these messages are from people who are delusional while the other 20 % really did think I was following a previous thought process. I’m not going to say I don’t miss a lot, because I do, but when constructing an email I think it’s smart to give a brief synopsis of the background. For instance, if you send an email which says, “2 o’clock on Wednesday”, there’s a good chance I will respond and say, “What?” Communication skills have become so poor though, that people will email me back and say things like, “don’t act like you don’t know” as though I have time to act like I don’t know.

How about, “Hey Karen, that cool TV show on puppies I was telling you about is going to air 2 o’clock on Wednesday”. Ok then! You will get a sincere, heart-felt thank you from me for sharing because first, I love pups and second of all, it was a clear email.

What happens though, is that people will become immediately offended that I didn’t recall our conversation about puppies. (which is unlikely with THAT topic, but just using it as an example…hahaha) I notice that many of these kinds of reactions come from people who don’t have as much going on in their day or maybe just a couple friends on their friend list. If I had four people on my list, I think it would be a bit easier to remember each and every interaction, but even then, people have busy lives outside the internet.

The reason I believe people become offended is because they feel like their conversation was worthless or that they were worthless if I didn’t remember having it. This is actually my inability to remember everything that takes place in a day, it’s not a reflection on how I feel towards people.

The more extreme case I will sometimes experience is when someone on my friend list thinks we are going to develop a relationship past the kind of community relationship I am interested in. That is where they write a movie in their head. If they had some high hopes about us becoming romantic or even just best buddies going for coffee and I don’t play out the film the way their script reads it, there’s a good chance I am going to be reprimanded based on something completely imagined.

It’s not a good feeling when you have a crush on someone and they don’t feel the same thing. I am mostly concerned that people are taking it way too personally as though they did everything they could to be my new best friend or romantic partner and they failed. That is not a failure, I have no intent to date online or go hang out with anyone so my intentions are what is causing the boundaries, not something a person who has a crush is doing or not doing.

I generally tell people I am too messed up and you wouldn’t want to hang with me anyways; that I am a nightmare. ;)

The best kinds of friendships and romantic relationships happen when they happen naturally. I would never want to be involved in something that I had to chase down or force, so why would anyone else want to do that? That would lead to a disaster if you have to push someone to love you.

I believe that if a crush is not reciprocated, it’s not necessarily because you are not doing everything you can to be attractive to someone, I think there are a million other possibilities inhibiting that kind of relationship and they simply might not be a good match.

I also believe it’s better to really look at relationships realistically and not play out potential scenarios in our heads. I wouldn’t suggest you imagine yourself married to someone on the first day they say hello. Wouldn’t life be more fun to just wake up and see what happens? I suspect these types of people can’t stand waiting until Christmas morning to open gifts either. Some people don’t like life’s little mysteries.

Maybe our imaginations could switch over to actually writing screen plays instead of just keeping it in our heads.

Karen :)

“If poets were realistic, they wouldn't be poets.” ~Peter Davison

Are You Swallowing Poison Over Time?

2011-01-11T20:49:00.000-08:00

I saw that they want to cut back on the fluoride in the drinking water due to kids having too much of it. They may not take into account things like every child in my family trying to eat their toothpaste because it now tastes like candy. Maybe we don’t worry about things that are harmful over time.

If you read the ingredients on the packages of your favorite foods, I bet there are 2-10 things you can’t pronounce, don’t know the origin of it, what it’s used for or its potential damage either immediately or most likely, long term.

It’s a bit easier to document a study on physical damage. If something is scientific or touchable, we can identify it a bit easier.

What if we were to apply this same type of thinking to the things we cannot see which are making us sick over time? Relationship problems might hand out more poison during the course of our life than any external chemical in our food. This is not to say we shouldn’t be educating ourselves on what we are ingesting, but it’s cross-cancelled if we are still eating the small bits of emotional poison being ladled onto our plates every day.

For instance, a rapid fire of guilt or anger coming at you can feel heavier than everything you've already endured, but if you were to total the accumulated guilt you have felt up until now, your lid might not fit on the blender. We can sometimes think we can put up with more guilt if it's given to us in bite-size pieces. We might even think small bits are easy to recover from. On the contrary, I believe they act like small cancerous cells dispersed evenly over the body.

Identifying to me isn’t the biggest problem, though. My concern is that we know what is killing us slowly and we’re ok with it. We even laugh about it and make jokes out of it. It’s partly because it allows us to cope with the small bits of pain so we can enjoy all the good parts of the thing we are ingesting. If you eat a chocolate cookie, the best excuse to eat it is to tell yourself everyone else is doing it. You can ignore the bad ingredients by laughing at how you can’t pronounce them so you can simply consume to sweet parts without guilt.

This happens in dysfunctional relationships too. We excuse the bad behavior by cracking jokes about our partner so that we can continue in a less-than-ideal situation without being harmed by its poison. If you receive anger, guilt trips and other unacceptable behavior in your relationship because they are bite-sized and easily digestible, you could possibly be ignoring the power, not size of these cancerous growths.

If you have finally decided that a bad relationship needs to end because you are finally feeling the poison’s effects, it might take a seemingly positive turn or it the poison might rush in like a river. In the case if guilt trips, you might not be able to handle how much poison is coming so you stay there in order to alleviate the assault. A heavy assault like that can make us think it was the first time we were being poisoned when in fact, we didn’t see the tiny portions at every meal over a 5 or 10 year period.

I think the same thing applies to every drop of poison we let in our lives. Gossip, bad-mouthing, hate and violence are other things which don’t seem problematic when we watch a 5 minute broadcast or read a short article in the newspaper or online but they can manifest over time to seep in and destroy our character without us even noticing.

I know it’s difficult when the poison escalates to an intolerable level. Our bodies sometimes tell us to go back and moderate the toxin which throws many of us back into very unhealthy relationships. I think once we can identify what is destroying our character, we can ignore be aware that it can kill us slowly or quickly, but remain decided that it is in fact poison and it does have to be cut off.

If you are a compassionate soul, this might be harder to identify. I don’t think we have to lose our compassion for others when we set personal boundaries. I believe we are intelligent enough to have both.

Man, I do love chocolate, though. Not big on eating toothpaste, though…

Karen :)

“Boundaries are to protect life, not to limit pleasures.” ~Edwin Lewis Cole

The Homeless Man with the Golden Voice

2011-01-10T20:50:00.000-08:00

What a fantastic story.

There was a viral video taken by a man who stopped to talk to a homeless man. The video showed the man holding a piece of cardboard which said he was an ex-radio announcer who had the gift of a good voice and was just down on his luck. The man filming him asked him to say something in his radio voice, he gave a really great quick audition from the street corner and then the cameraman put it up on youtube.

It had around 11 million hits and he ended up on a news show and now has several offers pouring in for work. His big catch was from Kraft Foods and he is now doing voice-overs for their ‘You know you love it’ campaign.

To say this is inspiring is an understatement. He has a criminal background and needed to be cleaned up. Yet, he landed himself some work by simply using what he had.

It’s very difficult to take simple inspiration from a story like this and turn it into something equally tangible in our own lives. We might think we have no gifts or talents. It becomes difficult to take an encouraging story and do anything with it past just feeling good about it at that moment.

It’s really up to each individual to grab a hold of the reins and steer it the way you want it to go but many people think this man is just an exception to the rule and therefore the odds are much like winning the lottery, so why bothering trying?

I grew up learning to not count on others. Any job I have had, I either hunted for or created it. I believe too many people are blaming higher powers for there being no jobs.

When I was a kid, I used to take my bike around to all the farms in the area and I would hop off and say hello. I would never say, “Hey are you hiring?” because they would always say no. Instead, I would strike up a conversation long enough to figure out if the farmer had an area where he sincerely needed help. If I spotted weeds in the garden, I would say, “Wow, you are such a hard worker! You must get so busy around here. Do you need some help cleaning up those weeds so the strawberries can get the sun?” They would laugh and say, “yeah those weeds are choking out the berries aren’t they? Sure I’d love the help.”

Instead of negotiating money with them, I would just set my bike against the barn and begin pulling. They would always give me some money for helping. I never had to ask.

This kind of mentality is missing from the job-hunting world. We go into work places and let them know what we will and won’t do before we are ever even hired and we want to talk about pay raise and benefits five minutes into it. It’s not to say those topics shouldn’t be discussed at some point, but they certainly aren’t good to start with.

I hate that people think the country owes them a job too. Nobody owes us anything. People are like farmers who just wake up in the morning and go about their business. If you don’t create a need in their business, they aren’t going to hire you. Why would they? Somewhere along the way, everyone became very entitled and has been buying into the idea that jobs should be supplied for us. If you don’t have a job, you don’t have a job…this means it’s not yours to get possessive about. It’s not the farmer’s job to make sure you are hired, it’s your job to convince him that he needs you.

I have also been in management where I have had to hire and fire people, so I know what happens on that side of the line too. I can generally smell someone’s sense of entitlement a million miles away and there’s a good chance I won’t hire them if they think they are owed the job.

Waiting for an economy to correct itself isn’t going to be the answer to finding work. In fact, I walk by places who are hiring all the time.

I do believe it’s more difficult for people like this homeless man who has a criminal record to find work, but it was his own mentality of being an overcomer against his odds which landed him the Kraft deal. Some people will say he dug his own whole with his drug and theft charges while others will say the system isn’t set up to give second chances. The bottom line is he could not afford to wait for external remedies. We could argue all day long about who is at fault, but all faults aside; his or the system’s, time is ticking on our lives and we simply cannot count on anyone else nor can we afford the time to blame anyone else. We might be absolutely right about where the fault lies, but well-placed blame isn’t enough to put food on the table. Not only that, it absorbs very precious time in our days and moments! We should be extraordinarily possessive about how our time is spent and guard ourselves against the things which can steal our time.

We are equipped…we can overcome…peacefully!
Karen :)

“Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?” ~A.A. Milne

“She ODs all the Time and She Lies”

2011-01-09T21:37:00.000-08:00

That was one of the Facebook responses to a woman who posted a suicide statement on the Social Networking site.

Simone Back left a message on FB which said; “Took all my pills be dead soon so bye bye every one.”

“She died”, the article said “…and nobody helped.”

What a sticky topic this is turning out to be. The article also said, “One user replied calling her a liar who ‘overdoses all the time’ while another said it was ‘her choice’. Miss Back, 42, is thought to have been dying of an overdose as the messages were posted on Christmas Day.”

I am overcome by so many emotions that I had to actually detach myself long enough to take a good hard look at the situation to see what is really happening.

Where I feel a bit caught is that the health of our friends and fellow citizens is everyone’s responsibility and the notion that a woman who is 42 years old is responsible for her own choices. What I feel is missing in the conversation is the part where we are not dealing with a stable adult. When the one person responded saying, “She ODs all the time and she lies” it might seem reasonably easy to dismiss the last statement Simone made. The problem I have with the response is that she stated something that was brutally obvious and was actually the answer to all of this, not the excuse for no response.

My response is, “She ODs all the time and lies? Ok then, she is sick and needs help!” If someone out there thinks ODing ‘all the time’ is on the same level as stealing cars or sleeping around, they seriously need to take another look at what they are saying. ODing all the time is time for intervention, not dismissal! Lying is another sign of sickness.

Healthy-minded adults absolutely are responsible for making poor choices like in cases where they are selfish, but I still believe every poor choice comes from somewhere no matter who makes it. If we choose to go sleep around on our spouse, we are making a choice based on some mental instability which needs addressing. If we have to lie about something to cover something up, we must be doing something harmful to ourselves. For this reason, I believe EVERYONE needs help and EVERYONE has the potential of being Simone Back.

All that being said, I firmly believe that friends and families can only do what they can do and shouldn’t beat themselves up from guilt. This is when we ‘do what we can do’ not ignore and type cruel, heartless responses. For instance, the Mother heard about it when it was too late and she’s disabled in a wheelchair. She is limited on where she can go and how she can travel, but she could get on the phone. She probably is well aware that her daughter was sick and lied, but she tried anyways…it was just too late. I don’t however agree this is FB’s responsibility although I applaud them for putting some things into play. Everyone’s pages are semi-private communities. The user base is over 600 million people. It’s getting to be like society. It’s like blaming the Government for something that happened in your living room. I would hope everyone could do their part.

Every single one of us has the capability to do what we can, but I also believe knowing when to keep our mouth shut is a skill too. If you jump on a forum and tell others to dismiss a suicide note, you are adding fuel to it. You aren’t helping. Ever remember the saying, ‘If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all?’ That does apply in some cases.

Now, on the flipside; one of the reasons I am such a defender of the English language is because I believe in Word Power. When we learn about conflict resolution, healthy debate and how to communicate well, we have a power to help that can equate to being fully armed.

What if this woman said, ‘Ok guys, we need a new angle with Simone because she has had several attempts before this where she didn’t actually kill herself and she is known to lie. Her life is worthwhile and if anyone can come up with a game plan based on Simone’s complicated personality type, I would love to hear it.”

People in war train all the time to get to know the enemy better before entering the combat zone. Why don’t we arm ourselves with the same weapons in peaceful resolution? If we can start with the facts instead of reacting with our annoyance, we might be able to realize the enemy wasn’t Simone and her ‘lies’, the enemy is the sickness going on in her head. If your friend was being attacked, you would try to get the attacker off of them. If your friend is being attacked by Depression, suicidal tendencies, mental illness or other instabilities, wouldn’t you want to save them from it if you could?

I hate the phrase ‘crying for help’ when used to describe something that Simone was doing. If someone is crying for help and we are in a position to help, we should help. Maybe they need help getting rid of their sickness. Maybe like cancerous cells, it’s taking over their judgment and their lies and manipulations are their body’s last resort. We don’t have to bend to their every whim, but we can recognize they are being taken over. You know how I know Simone was being taken over? …because she is dead today. If death is not enough to tell you the person was fighting illness, I don’t know what could convince you.

If we truly feel like we have done everything we truly can, we should not carry the weight of someone’s illness or suicide. But if we tell others to dismiss their illness, we are probably going to be left with a burden bigger than what we ever asked for. The responder might have been accurate saying she ODs all the time and lies but a person who offers that isn’t trying to help, they are either looking for sympathy from others or have been manipulated and therefore feel warranted in their reaction. It’s simply not a helpful response and could have been worded in such a way to educate others and help Simone get the help she needed.

If you ever wonder how to deal with things like this, the internet has all sorts of ways you can help. You can even ask other friends how to properly respond. If someone tells you dismiss it, ask someone else until you find someone who both respects Word Power and is interested in finding a solution. Again, we are adults! We can’t save everyone, but we can try based on being well-informed and well-equipped.

Much love on ya!
Karen :)

“Your ability to communicate is an important tool in your pursuit of your goals, whether it is with your family, your co-workers or your clients and customers.” ~Les Brown

Are you both Scared and Excited?

2011-01-09T00:14:00.000-08:00

It’s the Stomach Butterflies deadly cocktail which causes acid to churn in our gut. Something in our life escalates to a violent end forcing a big change or decision and we welcome it because like the ‘Is Staring over Worse than Where you Are?’ blog, we know it is ultimately best for us.

Without suggesting arson as a solution, I have seen what people have accomplished who have watched their homes go up in flames. One woman told me that the new home her and her husband built was the most joyful, bonding experience her family ever had together. She said they learned things about each other she never thought imaginable. They said they had fights, they argued, the house was full of tension and she said she was constantly reminded of the ex-wife who lived there before. No, she did not set the house on fire to kill the ex’s spirit, but she said one day while sitting in her new kitchen she smiled at how crazy everything was and giggled that the ugly wallpaper was now gone. You have to sometimes incorporate a bit of silliness and laughter into it. Injected humor can at least take the stinger out even if we still have to tend to the bite.

She said she wasn’t sure if she ever became completely excited about working on the new home. It was tight all the time, they ate in weird places, slept at strange family homes and were very overwhelmed. She did however tell me that she was excited and scared and wanted to throw up a lot.

The thing about her situation was that it was temporary. She had to view it as temporary. There are simple things in life we have to do that we don’t want to do in order to facilitate our change. If you have to sleep on a lumpy bed for a while, that is what has to happen. This woman had two big German Shepherds who had to board somewhere. She hated that too, but it was temporary.

She also took a lot of video and pictures and documented the whole transition. She then got together with friends and organized the pictures and videos into a presentation because she said she wanted to use all of her experience to inspire others. She documented the good, the bad and the extremely ugly. All of it was part of the experience. We don’t always get to choose what facets make their way into our experiences. I do love her lemons into lemonade approach.

Some of the best artists in the world have documented their hardships. Many people who make it out the other end wished they would have. Think about some of your favorite lyrics on your favorite records? What if those people didn’t go through that and didn’t document it? How would you have ever known about them? They went through something exciting and scary in order to come up with something that could soothe your soul when you crank it on your stereo.

The one thing I have experiences with the deadly stomach butterfly cocktail is that our bodies will mix it like this in order to propel us forward. My stomach acid became my Rocket Fuel…and I mean rocket fuel, not gasoline. I could get to the store on excitement, but I can’t get to the Moon with it, right?

Some people have the gift of ingenuity and natural drive which gets them to the Moon if that is where they want to be. Others have to have a fire set under them to get there. It would be lovely if we could fuel our move without the stomach cocktail, but hey, if that is the fuel you are burning, I vote use it to get out of your hell and into a place of peace. We have many tools in the toolbox at our disposal. I say use what you have!

Being scared sometimes can mean we are alive. It’s our body’s way of violently shoving us into the next place. Fear assists animals in staying alive, but animals will react according to their driving instinct. They don’t stay fearful for too long.

No, stomach acid is not healthy. It physically causes the pancreas to work overtime and it’s hard on us. But it is there for a reason. If it’s telling you something, you probably should listen to what it is saying to you.

Eating dry crackers and sipping Ginger-Ale,

Karen :)

“I never worry about action, but only inaction.” ~Winston Churchill

Is Your World Spiraling out of Control?

2011-01-07T20:30:00.000-08:00

‘As it turns out, the world isn’t spinning, I am.’ That was a funny realization I came to not that long ago.

It essentially goes against the laws of nature, but it’s meant to be metaphorical. I don’t actually think the world is perfectly still. In fact, the world is working in a frenzied state all the time, but it doesn’t really offer up anything too unpredictable overall. There seems to be cause and effect for just about everything.

While I think the world operates in such a way to continue its existence with all the necessary volcanic eruptions and crazy weather patterns, it isn’t out to get me or to test me. It isn’t on the same wave of thought as I am in and doesn’t actually have a personal agenda to see me fail.

People on the other hand are full of agendas; conflicting agendas, selfish agendas, hateful hearts and are looking out for number one. It’s easy to think therefore that the world (people) are out to get me or that a big spirit in the sky is trying to test me.

The thing about being chased, if you don’t want to be caught, you won’t be caught. If someone tries to anger us and we don’t allow it, we can’t be angered. We are not in control of the world or people in it, but I believe we do have control over one thing; our reaction.

How we react to being punched is the key to surviving the hit. If you have ever taken any kind of martial arts class, you will know there is a fine art in learning how to block someone’s hit, but you also learn how to fall if you have to take one. It covers the bases. The smart thing would obviously be to not walk the dark alley where gunmen can hunt you, but in the event you wind up there, you kind of have to be equipped to defend yourself and fall elegantly in order not to break anything.

The world however has been known to break into our homes; you know, the place where we think we have peace…the place where we are minding our own business. Our spirits should be prepared for that to.

The thing I am learning especially lately when all my technology (which is what I rely on for work) is breaking down is that the only way to come to a solution is to be perfectly calm and incorporate systematic solutions one by one with zero emotion attached. As soon as we allow our emotions to spin out of control, we just added a problem onto our pile which will not allow any other problem to get fixed. It will always be number one on the list. When we become emotional over a massive snag in our life, it’s imperative to get a rein on that first so it doesn’t cloud the intelligent judgment which is needed to come up with a solution. I see this in too many places where real problems have been replaced by emotions which not only get in the way of solutions, but actually amplify the problem to a level where we can’t even begin to find a solution. The problem becomes insurmountable.

Generally, solution-oriented people are not overwhelmed. They might be overworked, but not utterly snowed under by it all.

The biggest hurdle is to gain perspective of our own environment. I’ve talked about how my dad used to fly above our farm and would say certain problems were not problems if he couldn’t see them from hundreds of feet. That is perspective. When satellite images zoom way out from our kitchen table like I have mentioned before, we gain perspective on our place in the universe. When you stand one feet away from your art, you can’t gain perspective until you move 15 feet back. It’s the same as when I mentioned about cutting hair for years. I could tell if my cut was straight until I stood back.

This is difficult to do when we are hurting or being attacked. Unless the gunman is on a roof a city block away, there’s a chance you have to fight off the attacker who is within inches of your face. It’s difficult to gain a wider perspective when they are so close.

How do we do this? Oh geeze, I have no idea. Ha! I would suspect we have to react in such a way that makes it seem like the problem is smaller or farther away from us than it actually is. Gaining a perspective inside us that could be one-size-fits-all perspective seems unreasonable, but maybe it’s what we need. If I can apply ‘act accordingly’ instead of ‘react quickly’ that might be a good start. Maybe the best combo is ‘act quickly’ or ‘react accordingly’.

All in all, the thing which seems to be working for me so far (and I say ‘so far’ because who knows how I will react next time) is to detach the emotional aspect. If I have a task to do, I need to do it without added emotional strain. ‘Action is the antidote to despair’ still rings loudly in my ears.’ Generally, life has a huge list of complications, tasks, jobs and hurdles. It will ALWAYS be this way. I believe we can get to the first job on the list if we cross, ‘Get really, really upset’ off the list. Nothing else will ever fall into place when that is taking the number one position.

Loving systematically,

Karen

“It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.” ~Wayne Dyer

Is Your Language Incendiary?

2011-01-06T21:13:00.001-08:00

I think it I overheard Jon Stewart saying he didn’t like language that was incendiary. It was the generalizations of groups and name-calling which can only lead to heated discussion, not solutions.

Remember when you were a kid and you would be on the Playground with no teachers or parents around and the name-calling would begin and it would be directed towards one child? If the kid was really unpopular, it would be easy to join in. Gossip and unfounded lies do this, but so does certain lingo. I’m remembering how I had the Cooties. I never knew how I got them or who gave them to me…perhaps I was born with them, but according to the entire school, I had them. When I looked them up, one meaning read;

“The term may have originated with references to lice, fleas, and other parasites. A child is said to "catch" cooties through any form of bodily contact, proximity, or touching of an "infected" person or from a person of the opposite sex of the same age. Often the "infected" person is someone who is perceived as "different" and bears some kind of social stigma: of the opposite sex, disabled, someone who is shy or withdrawn, someone who has peculiar mannerisms, stigmatized, etc. The phrase is most commonly used by children aged 4–10; however, it is also used by many others older than 10.

I assumed at the time they were a lot like the heebie- jeebies which is what I seemed to get when one of the name-callers would come near me.

Adult name-callers seem to give me the same uncomfortable feeling. I can’t even determine who is right and who is wrong when name-calling starts. I simply wrap up my heebie-jeebies, throw them in my knap-sack and take them home. I find it very difficult to listen to adults saying they hate a certain person, group of people, leaders etc when the argument is pretty much the same as catching cooties.

Name-calling is one example of language that is incendiary. Incendiary is basically when you use phrases, arguments or name-calling which inflame or ignite discussion in a negative way as opposed to causing discussion to take place, incendiary language will infuriate and cause angry debate or people to shut down. If you call your partner a Slut for instance, there’s a really good chance you are going to ignite a very hot situation, one that probably will end very badly.

Your partner may wear clothes that are promiscuous, the actions might warrant the name you chose in your mind, but unless you are planning on never seeing this person again, the name-calling doesn’t spawn healthy conversation. I think even if the person slept around on you and did things which were indicative of the word you gave her, what does it say about you using language like that? How does it match your character and the kind of person you want to be? If you wish to pack up all her bags and set them by the curb, that’s fine. If you want your lawyer to make sure she doesn’t have a penny for wrecking your home, so be it…but the name-calling is something that we should have left back on the schoolyard because it literally does nothing except make us look less intelligent.

If our hope is to implement change in any area of our lives, wouldn’t it make sense to simply be solution-oriented? If you hate some leader, could you not put together an essay or blog which talks about the actions which you disagree with? Does it have to be just calling them names and saying you hate them? Whether or not we feel justified by their wrong actions doesn’t give us the right to be the Playground Bully. We just gave ourselves a name then too.

I don’t want any name attached to me except for my name. I don’t want a religious or political organization’s name associated with me and I don’t want my actions to give me a name or childhood fictitious disease.

At the beginning of this blog, I mentioned how kids feel free to name-call when there are no teachers or parents around. It would seem that having those people around keep us in check, but I believe they keep us reminded. You know how I manage to not be part of the incendiary language that is happening? I think of my Mom, Dad, Grandparents and mentors and imagine them standing in the room with me. If you were to take the person you admire the most in the whole world and pretend they were sitting in a chair next to you while you said something which hurt someone else, what would they say to you? If the person you admire the most was a religious figure, how would they feel about what you just said? If you were to say the person you admire the most would be totally ok with me saying hurtful or incendiary things, then I would humbly suggest you find a new mentor.

I personally only want to be mentored by peaceful, loving, compassionate, solution oriented people.

But overall, I really want to say things and do things which cause discussion and don’t light the room on fire. Change might be much needed, but love and compassion are still needed more. They always will be.

Better go check my head for Cooties,

Karen :)

“Compassion is the antitoxin of the soul: where there is compassion even the most poisonous impulses remain relatively harmless.” ~Eric Hoffer

Wherever You Go, You Go Too

2011-01-05T19:22:00.001-08:00

I had a lot of direct and indirect commentary surrounding the ‘Starting Over’ blog. It’s still amazing to me how many people are waiting for an environment change for their lives to change. I giggled a lot only because that is totally what I was doing.

My biggest transition was five years ago coming from Ontario, Canada to Los Angeles. The biggest change I noticed was sun every single day with the exception of a few weeks in the year where it would rain. The landscape felt very different due to the surrounding hills. I grew up with flat country cornfields all around me.

It’s one thing to come from a small town to a big town. I noticed a big change driving from my small town to Toronto years ago. Toronto seemed a bit intimidating. I didn’t have my driver’s license very long and the 401 and Gardiner Distressway (I like to call it) scared me a lot! It was too fast, too many cars and too confusing. By the time I would get to my auditions, I was completely frazzled.

Then I did some music tour-y stuff in NY and I gotta tell ya, Toronto looked more like my small town. New Yorkers are upfront and loud, but super crazy in a good way too. I love NY so much. I like how dark people dress and I like how fast you can get around.

Los Angeles is way too spread out. You can spend most of your time driving somewhere or sitting in traffic. I find people here very tolerant of our differences and very open to creativity. There is a joke with Canadian artists that you only get recognized in Canada if Los Angeles recognizes you. I’m not sure where the saying comes from, but I suspect people can feel very free to be themselves here without judgment and I really like that.

The thing is this; I spent way too much time in all my transitions looking for the external changes. A fresh coat of paint in our living room can certainly make us feel better when we are in the room. I believe color has its place and I do understand the affects of sunshine and how great it can be.

Sometimes we need an environmental change just to give us some breathing room to figure it all out. My issue before moving here was that I lived in a very angry infected environment so I was always too mad or too sad or too constantly bombarded to just breathe. I go to the point where I couldn’t even catch my breath. I’ve always said I wasn’t running from a problem but running to a solution.

In looking back though, it wasn’t a solution I was looking for out in the world, I was looking for some stillness so I could just figure it out. You know, ‘Just let me think for second, wouldja?’ –That mentality.

The best part of my growth definitely came while living in the storm. I just didn’t know it then. I started off by being silent, withdrawing…then I would break out in anger and then retreat in sadness and silence. It was a horrible ritual of attack, retreat, attack, retreat. It was truly my fox hole.

That is massively tough on your emotions after a while. I started to look for solutions outside of that. I would try to say things differently and I would try every new angle possible. Once I felt like I had exhausted those angles in 20 different languages or dialects, I decided it was over. When I wanted to take my own life, I knew I had to get out.

I would hate to think people couldn’t get out of their unhealthy situations unless they reached that edge on the cliff. What I was able to do though was something from the Funeral Mute song, ‘bite my tongue & bide my time’. It’s part of having a game plan.

So I did everything I was supposed to do to change everything and it took a long time. My situation was clearly a case where MASSIVE change had to happen or I was simply going to die. The one thing I hated that I had to put on hold was working on my character. It wasn’t until I was surrounded by some very cool people who inspired me to want to improve myself did I attempt it. I realized that parts I didn’t like came along on the move. I wished I could have left those back there too!

As it turns out, there is no one dumping ground for the bad traits. They don’t stay at the last house or apartment you lived in. The newness of environment gave me a chance to breathe, but I still had to face the demons eventually.

The groovy part is I could breathe and think long and hard because I had nobody around me to clutter me up. That was a good thing. But over the years, the parts of my character that have been shaped the coolest in my mind (maybe others would disagree) happened during volatile conflict. If I could take a deep breath and listen to a hot-headed client instead of yelling back, I would mark a point in my mind. I would sometimes take a bathroom break and go look in the mirror and crack a smile and think, ‘You just pulled a Frank…nice one Karen.’ (I’ve told you guys before, Frank stays on point and never angry which I admire) I am most proud of myself for remaining calm, cool and collected when everyone is on fire around me. For anyone who is in the audio field, you will know that if you push up all the faders on a console, you won’t hear things better. Some faders have to come down. I find the same thing in heated discussions.

I know there are so many people facing big changes, but there is beauty in learning the calmer skills in the crazier storm. It’s a skill that truly will follow you wherever you go…and storms will come and go too.

Very proud to say I managed to NOT flip the bird in NYC, (That is a BIG point for anyone…lol)

Karen :)

“The life of inner peace, being harmonious and without stress, is the easiest type of existence.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

Is Starting Over Worse than Where You Are?

2011-01-04T18:29:00.000-08:00

I often call the ‘comfort zone’ the ‘uncomfortable zone’ because I haven’t had much luck being comfortable there. I always looked at my comfort zone as being in a holding pattern. If you don’t make any sudden moves, it can’t get any worse, right?

Having been in a chain of terrible relationships and many cases of bad financial issues, I think it was more of a case that I could get used to just about anything if it was done over and over again in a pattern. A habit whether good or bad can sort of just keep going on its journey because we inch it along and those inches seem quite doable.

Starting from scratch might be the scariest concept for a person. It’s not that we don’t know how, we are usually just too invested up to that point or we are basically exhausted and aging in such a way that we can’t imagine where we would find the energy to move on. Then, couple that with the things that now come with us. We might have had children since or there is a heap of bills staring at us and taunting us to stay in its clutches.

I watched a clip of a girl who has a Ministry which helps gets prostitutes off the Vegas Strip. It’s pretty gut-wrenching to watch. I know people who have been in the porn/strip club/escort business and while it might seem easy to escape for those of us watching from the sidelines, it’s life-threatening to leave it. You seriously need a whole community to save them in order to accommodate their protection from the Pimp community.

The one clip which really tugged at my heart strings was when one of the ex-prostitutes got off the phone with a friend who seemed to easily transition back into her life in New York while this girl was struggling with therapy and a very shaky do-over. She began to cry at how unfair life was and you could tell she was overwhelmed with what to do next. She must have felt like her life had actually gone backwards by leaving the industry. I’ve seen this with that industry. Some people get back on their feet quickly while others struggle for years to get ahead.

A story like that can make our own situations feel pretty easy to fix or they can make us just feel grateful we aren’t going through that. Being grateful is one thing, but sometimes seeing the extreme stories can just cause us to do nothing about our own situation.

Going back to the mounting bills which could be keeping us in the trap; there are so many things which we are in bondage to. The oppression of owing money not only stops us from going new places and experiencing new things but it eats away at our character because we believe at the heart of it all, we are good people and we like to make good on our debts.

The one thing I got from this Vegas Story is the theory ‘it takes a village to raise a child’. The steps these girls have to go through to get their lives back doesn’t end with the hero scooping them up in a helicopter and escaping with them. It’s a really long road and it takes the love and assistance of the people in the Ministry for them to have a hope of not returning to the uncomfortable zone again.

In our own trying times, like mounting bills and joblessness, why do we think we can go it alone? I believe like these hookers on the Strip, they are mostly burdened by their shame and I believe that our shame is what keeps us locked up. It’s very embarrassing to ask family or friends for financial help especially if you have people in your family who work in finance. You might seem like a failure to them. You might not want to go to someone for help because they might say, ‘I told you so’ or maybe not quite as bad; they whisper about you in circles behind your back making you feel really imprudent. What I have learned over the years, people who love us really do want to help even if it’s just being an ear. If you can muster up enough courage to be completely honest about your situation to someone who truly loves you, you may be surprised how helpful that will be. They might not write you a check to pay off all your debt, but they might provide some focus and I’ve said before; just verbalizing or writing down something about our situation can put a lot of things into focus. Most financial planners will have you write down every debt you have on a bold list in front of you. You would be surprised how many people who are in debt don’t actually know what they owe because it’s too painful to look at. Maybe some personalities would crumble at the sight of it, but more often than not, the bold truth is what helps us make a change.

The bigger problem I have encountered with change is that I have almost always had to step back…sometimes many steps knowing things will then move forward. It’s an error to think we can smoothly transition out of something like prostitution into a high-paying job the next day. We just have to decide if the steps back are worth it. I believe they are; if we can simply find just one more ounce of strength to make the awkward elbow-turn.

If you are facing a big decision or need to make a large change, can you break it down on paper into something tangible even if it takes slightly longer?

Packing about one box per/week,

Karen :)

“We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if mankind is to survive.” ~Albert Einstein

‘Do the right thing, Man!’

2011-01-03T19:15:00.001-08:00

“It's not enough for you to do well. You want to do good. You want your life to matter. You want to live in such a way the world will be glad you did.” ~Max Lucado

That was a twitter update I saw in the main stream this morning. He is usually someone who I think is brilliant and loving so there is the danger of just agreeing with everything he says based on how much I like the guy. I almost hate to say anything to the contrary because he really is super cool and very knowledgeable.

He starts off by saying, “It's not enough for u to do well. You want to do good.” I am sure having read several of his books and knowing his background that he wasn’t using ‘good’ as a mediocre behavior preceding the word ‘great’. I am sure he meant we should do some good on the earth as opposed to doing well in our lives. It’s part of living with a purpose and I dig that. He did go on to say, “You want your life to matter” so that pretty much solidifies the point.

It’s his last phrase which begs for some follow-up. If I look at what he is saying very literally in a way that would match the three sentences before it, I would think he meant the actual earth will thank us for it. Nature as a whole, grass, trees and people included will be glad we did something with this sense of purpose. I think that is a true thought. It’s reasonable to think anything we do which is good will be felt by the earth in some way, on some level and with some percentage. What set me a little off center about the final phrase was, ‘You want to live in such a way’. I feel like this is just uncomfortable to read because it points to us doing something because others will be pleased. I am not a big believer in doing things selfishly, but my real concern with it is the thought that, ‘What do we do when the world doesn’t acknowledge what we do?’ and will we suffer some disappointment because of it. Again, having read so many of his books, I am sure he would say, ‘Ah, but you are doing good and the world is glad.’ I am still left wondering in that case if he did respond that way, why would we do anything based on whether the world approves or the earth is thankful.

Whatever happened to doing things because it’s simply the right thing to do? Whatever happened to paying something forward because having been through pain, we should understand that it feels yucky to go through something and why wouldn’t we want to do everything we can to alleviate that in someone else because pain is so awful? Whatever happened to slotting ourselves into a much grander picture rather than looking for the Superhero role in it all? Why are we still thinking about the gratitude of others and making sure they notice us? While I want the things I do to matter, can’t I simply just trust that the magnificent Earth which has a plan a million times bigger than me will take my efforts into account IF I do the right thing and do what I am told to?

If the Earth responds favorably to something I implemented and it makes me feel good, I guess that is fine. But hasn’t the Earth given me more than I could ever imagine to give back? Isn’t the favor bank slightly slanted in its favor? Because it is so slanted as far as which one of us is working harder, I fail to believe that is ever needs my gratitude. I understand gratitude isn’t dependent on who does more and I will continue to be eternally thankful, but looking for its gratitude simply cannot be the reason I do anything. If it pleases the Creator, awesome…but he’s done more for me that I could do for him. I won’t stop doing good things and finding my place in it all, but I won’t be looking for the Earth or world to be glad that I did. I see it simply as my responsibility and job.

I want to live in such a way that is agreeable, but I am more thankful than looking for thanks.

I am continually looking for where I am needed, simply because as a human who lives on a part of the earth where I think I was given some good tools and blessings, I believe it’s the right thing to do. I think when everyone does what they are supposed to do and go to where they are needed and respond when they are called, I believe the world and earth is going to function properly. It’s a perfect initial plan that when we work against it, things go badly. The Earth has even set up back-up plans all over the place for when we screw up. I just don’t want to be one of the ones sucking that well dry.

Yes, the world will be glad I lived this way but it simply cannot be the reason for what I do what I do. It’s a bit too shaky and unstable of a motto to live on.

Maybe we should set the motto back to, ‘Do the right thing, Man!!!’

A bit bossy, but you get where I am going with it. ;)

Always feeling like I could be doing more, but recognizing I can do what I can when I am called to…

Karen :)

“No one can do everything, but everyone can do something. What about you?” ~Max Lucado

(Another quote by him which I like…but I could start to talk about if we are going around looking for something to do or if we are ignoring the very thing we are called to…will save that for another day) ;)

Welcome to the Aftermath

2011-01-02T20:12:00.000-08:00

There are a few of us who barely knew Christmas was here. Some opted out and some had it stolen from them. I viewed it this year as a gift of some silence although with everything going on around me, you’d never know anyone was taking a break. For a few of us, work just kept on going straight on through. Having stayed home New Year’s too and not having a single decoration or light within eye shot, I don’t feel the particular letdown of the Holidays being over. In my day-to-day life I don’t understand the difference between Monday and Saturday, they all blur together into one gigantic day.

For some people though, it seems like Cinderella turning back into the girl scrubbing the floor surrounded by some pumpkins. Christmas in this case is a good deterrent for a time of love and dancing, but then the brutal reality of work comes crashing in or even worse, the return to Depression.

I’m writing this today because January can be one of the most depressing times of year for people. The Holidays gave them a chance to interact and be merry, but then all those people who were off work have to return to their jobs and a depressed person might feel like there is nothing good until the next Holiday happens when their friends are available again.

Imagine playing in the sunny meadow and then a Prince or Princess comes along and asks you to dance. You have a wonderful time, you get on the horse with them and ride over the moat, across the bridge, into the Castle, they show you your new throne and then they say, ‘Ok, I’m off…I’ll return in a week.’

Part of you may be thrilled by the new architecture and independence, but without the person you met there, you might be extremely bored and looking at life as pretty dull. There is nothing for you to do and you slump into the waiting mode, hoping the next party will be soon.

Worse for some people is when all of that happens but they have fun with you and drop you back off at your home and say, ‘I’ll pick you up for a summer BBQ’.

“For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return.” is a Leonardo da Vinci quote that I have always loved. I always looked at it as the thing which drives me. There are certain things I have experienced which have been very good for me and I recognize quickly that I can’t return to the old ways of doing things. After being around very calm, considerate people, I can never go back to abuse. After meeting extraordinary souls, I have felt my own soul improve and so I love the quote.

However, the quote can also mean that a depressed person after experiencing one party or one crazy fun event up in the stars will look at the ground with disappointment. It’s not an entirely bad thing because it prompts us to improve our setting and environment but I am afraid most people who are depressed in January will feel as though the amazing festivities are indicative of everyday life. It’s not one big party and this extreme example of fun can make a person’s everyday life feel very lackluster.

The word ‘Aftermath’ is usually used to describe the period after war, destruction or catastrophe. While I do hope everyone enjoyed their Holiday Season, the celebrations can feel much like an aftermath in the life of a depressed person. Staring at Christmas wrap, stacked dishes, empty folding chairs and pine needles on the carpet can seem like a warzone. Cleaning it up can keep us busy for a while but then the bare rooms can seem more like a desert. This is part of what leaves people feeling deserted.

Having been through a brutal case of January blues followed up by 11 months of abandoned self-worth for many years in a row, I can only say what has worked for me is to put way more emphasis on my life that happens between weekends and holidays, than the Holidays themselves. If you are truly a weekend warrior, what kind of game-plan can you implement for yourself that will make you enjoy every moment equally. I am not suggesting there are not times which are just hard work, but can’t we whistle while we work like the song recommends?

I might go back and read my own Time Stealers and Bad Habits blog again and see if I can still be streamlining some parts of my life that are tugging away my good moments. There is always room for improvement in time management and allocation.

Like sands through the hourglass, these are the Days of Our Lives…(Nope, I absolutely don’t watch Soaps, I just know the saying)

Much love!

Karen :)

“When I was 21, I got into a motorcycle accident while traveling in Europe and I had to lie around a lot in the aftermath, which was really the first time in my life that I became really focused and inspired to write.” ~Chantal Kreviazuk

How Does January First Make You Feel?

2011-01-01T18:13:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning to sun and no hangover. I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs etc. I certainly have in the past but I think as I get older, I find myself increasingly intolerant of it all. I don’t even mean from a moral standpoint, (after all I believe in everyone being allowed to make their own choices) but I mean whatever is happening on my insides is flat out rejecting the extra substances.

I do however feel both put off and energetic about having to start one of my computers over from zero. I spent the last day of 2010 at Fry’s getting a new hard drive, followed by installing every driver on the internet and making sure I was equipped with all of my installation disks. It’s unbelievable how an entire day can be absorbed like that.

When these things sneak up and smoke us from the left, you sort of have to make room in the day for them. With several approaching deadlines, I couldn’t imagine giving one whole day to anything outside of what I already have planned. I chose to not be with family for Christmas because of deadlines and I opted out of any New Year’s festivities in favor of catching up.

So yes, I am put off by the added expense and time absorbed but I gotta tell you; this forced do-over feels lovely! I have never seen my desktop have so few icons on it, it runs like a sports car and I have a clean palette. For these reasons, January first feels very fresh. I also like that the neighborhood and phones are very quiet. It’s awesome to feel productive. I am energized with the day.

Overall, I am not one to attach to much significance onto any date on a calendar. For most people, resolutions don’t stick very well. The problem with quitting things on January first is that it’s the day forcing it, not a person’s will. I guess some people need the day to get them going with a new attitude and for that reason, I say if you want to quit a bad habit or implement a new one, why not use whatever you have in the arsenal to help. January first is a good day to start fresh because everything is closed and things are generally quieter, so it’s as good of a day as any to begin new.

I would much rather see someone quit a bad habit for the right reasons. I quit smoking many, many years ago because I lived with a couple people who smoked and the house was just gross with it. What really bothered me though is that I felt like I wasn’t getting enough air to sing properly and therefore it was affecting my ambitions in life. It was more important to recognize the things which were inhibiting me from doing what I love to do and one by I would ditch them. I found that I had to concentrate on the hurdles in order to run a slick race.

Alcohol and drugs were easier to ditch because I hated having the next day ruined. The odd head spin going to bed was a good deterrent too.

I guess I have been looking at life and really finding the things which are worthwhile. I went for a walk to the store last night while some files were updating and I was thinking about how the chillier weather was coming on pretty strong now. I used to wear mini shirts and heels in the winter and I thought, geeze, I could have been spending my time better than trying to get the attention of people. I don’t have real regrets, but I sure am defending my new moments and how I spend them. I feel the best way now to make a difference in the world is to start by making a difference in myself. It’s easy to get caught up in world news and gossip but if everyone started to work on themselves, improving their communication skills, growing in love and compassion and better themselves in some new work field, society could fix a lot of it’s problems without anyone really putting too much effort in. The argument is usually, ‘Good luck fixing anyone’ but why are we even looking at people around us?

I don’t have a New Year’s Resolution, but I am absolutely going to take advantage of the brightness of January First and channel the fresh energy into getting organized and moving ahead.

Cataloging the old, in with the new…

Karen :)

“Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.” ~Helen Keller

Do You Feel Guilty for Missing Their Pain?

2010-12-30T20:43:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel that "tug of war" of focusing so much on one person in the community, a friend, whatever, that you may be missing something?

Sometimes I feel like I am divided between making a small difference in a lot of people’s lives, and making a big difference in one person’s life, at the moment. Does that make sense?

I will feel good about what I am doing for others, and then suddenly I come across someone that I can see feels that I have totally missed their pain. I admit that sometimes I do, or maybe I make a "judgment call" on who needs me the most at the time? I don't know. I'm just feeling a little confused, and maybe a bit overwhelmed, lol. I know that you can relate too! ;)

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That question is a classic case of a heart that has grown three sizes in one day. ;) People who are heartless or have no compassion would never bring something like this up. So, you should feel very good about how loving you are!

I used to feel a tug of war like this but yes, I miss things all the time! This person had to tell me one of our friends was having her baby, I missed that too! Congrats, Deborah!

I used to make an effort to focus on one person because my Mother used to tell me that sometimes going after the one who is hurting is better than trying to affect the masses. Our friend mentioned, “I feel like I am divided between making a small difference in a lot of people’s lives, and making a big difference in one person’s life, at the moment.”

What I have done is I gave myself permission to be human. I also make sure everyone knows I am not perfect and that I don’t dig nor deserve being on a pedestal. When I decided that my job or resume didn’t cover Super-Human abilities, I could breathe again knowing that I can only do what I can do. What I do try to do is go directly to where I am called and what makes sense to me at that time rather than joining a group or becoming a spokesperson for some charity or cause, I keep myself very pliable. I don’t feel the same sense of division between what motivates me because instead of asking myself if I should be making a small difference in a lot of people’s lives or making a big difference in one person’s life, I simply do what makes sense at that moment in time. I basically go where I am spiritually led rather than doing the ‘rounds’ like what many friendship circles insist. I’m like the happy wanderer that way. :)

She said, “I will feel good about what I am doing for others, and then suddenly I come across someone that I can see feels that I have totally missed their pain.” I guess I would call this the Superhuman pressure we sometimes feel. I miss SO much stuff! I am often the last person to find out good news and bad. I think that friends will understand we don’t HAVE to be there for them. My very favorite people have completely alleviated me from being there for them even though I really like to do that when I can and when I am called. When she said, “I admit that sometimes I do, or maybe I make a "judgment call" on who needs me the most at the time?” I think it’s funny that she felt like she had to write ‘admit’. A truly good heart might feel guilty for missing someone’s pain and I love her heart for thinking this way, but clearly, it’s not our job to fix someone, we can only do what is in front of us at the time and there should be no guilt or shame for it.

I think what is happening to make good people feel overwhelmed is that they both feel extraordinarily needed in a hurting world and they recognize they are the last of a dying breed. Good people will fight a whole army with one sword even though they are clearly unequipped to do so. Yes, I believe one person can make a difference, but not if they are wounded. If we feel overwhelmed, it’s really important to relieve ourselves of the guilt so we can function at a high capacity again.

I also think the truly hurting people don’t know they are pulling people in a tug of war. If someone makes us feel guilty for not showing them enough love at the appropriate time according to what their needs are or the timing of their needs, they don’t always mean to do this. They are just hurting. Usually they won’t hate us for missing it, though. If they do, that is way too much to ask of a friendship.

I really try not to make helping people my responsibility; rather I view it as simply the right thing to do. Most situations that arise come to us in a timely way. It’s good to check in on friends, but it’s not our job.

I really would like to see everyone control everyone else a bit less. It’s kind of back to that, “Let’s cut each other some slack” phrase again.

If you are someone who is feeling ignored or you are hurting, may I suggest going into action mode instead of receiving mode? I have found giving to be a tremendous pain-reliever. We all have so much in common; I think we can truly help one another. I just don’t think we have to give more than what we are able to and we certainly don’t have to make others feel guilty when they have very little energy to give as well.

Trying not to fall in the mud,

Karen :)

“Suffering makes a people greater, and we have suffered much. We had a message to give the world, but we were overwhelmed, and the message was cut off in the middle. In time there will be millions of us - becoming stronger and stronger - and we will complete the message.” ~D. Ben-Gurion

“If someone does ALOT for you do you OWE them?”

2010-12-29T20:38:00.000-08:00

Question: If someone does ALOT for you do you OWE them? And if you want to return the favor, but what they want is just not something you want to or are willing to do does that make you bad, ungrateful, unappreciative, etc? Is that a personal boundary thing or a being selfish thing...the saying no, even though they have done a lot for you? Your thoughts...

I told her that I don’t have answers, but I always have opinions. :)

I guess I look at doing things for others a little differently. If someone does A LOT for me like the question asked, I’d like to return the gesture because it makes me feel good to do so. I don’t however believe that it is owed. People should just do nice things for each other with good intention. I would have to question someone who does something for me with the intent to have the favor returned. That isn’t the spirit of true giving to me. I’ve often said, I like to do good things and then run away and not look for a reaction, far less the favor returned.

I guess I would also have to question if someone would ever ask you to do something you’d be potentially unwilling to do. What does that say about them and their inability to read you? What does that say about their reasons for doing so much for you to begin with? Overall, I believe people should do good things with the correct motivation which I believe is supposed to be from a pure heart. I also don’t think a returned favor is indicative of being grateful or appreciative. If someone is in need, they are simply in need.

I’m not sure I dig the word favor anyways. When you say to someone, “Hey can you do me a favor?” you are asking them to do something despite them not wanting to. “Sorry to bother you” kind of falls in that category too. The favor bank is something people accumulate in the business Rolodex but I’m not sure it should apply to just helping people in their time of need.

You might be right to say they are testing your boundaries. I would say it has nothing to do with being selfish although I still don’t think they should do things for you based on a potential good gesture coming back to them.

I would say though, I would need to ask myself if this person who has helped me truly needs my help and are they suffering to the point where I really should bend my rules to help. Say their house has flooded and they need a place to keep their pets temporarily; are you going to say no because you simply don’t like animals? I think we all need to be pliable enough in certain scenarios. The question here though is sounding more like the ‘favor’ mindset is at the heart of it.

I believe Society’s answer to moving ahead is pay it forward, not pay it back (unless it’s money owing). If we were all busy looking ahead or at least paying attention to who needs us, we wouldn’t be busy making friends feel guilty. I would have no problem telling someone I am unwilling to do something that was outside of my character. I’ve had some men in my life who hooked me up with a contact, then asked me to go on a date and when I would say no, I’d have it thrown back in my face. It’s a trap that nobody should have to feel bad about saying no to. That is how codependent relationships happen; a person keeps a running total of the good things they do for you, then when the time is right, they want to ‘cash it in’. They might even prop you up to the point where you can’t escape. I think it’s really important to recognize that sort of ill-intent from them early on and cut it off even if it means you don’t move up the ladder sooner. That is the story of my career in the music business. It’s happened with managers, agents, labels etc…people who do good things for me and make sure I am constantly reminded they are doing good things for me. I think the only time a person should use it as ammunition is when they are attacked for no reason. Even then, I think the classier thing to do is just walk away with your character in check. It is the most precious thing we have.

If they choose to be angry with you for saying no, I would strongly suggest questioning their intent. It sounds sketchy to me. In the meanwhile, if you feel strongly about doing something nice for someone, I would do it and not ask them to pick the returned favor. Sometimes when we say, “I’d like to do something nice back for you…what would you like?” the answer might not be what you want to hear.

Giving hugs and then running away…

Karen :)

“One can never pay in gratitude: one can only pay 'in kind' somewhere else in life.” ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Are Your Scribbles Ugly?

2010-12-28T19:33:00.000-08:00

I saw an article about a woman from Mexico whose 4 year old Granddaughter gave her some pearls of wisdom while she was painting. She kept track of the advice while she would paint or draw and wrote it down so it was easy to comprehend.

. Take some paint, some colors, and with your paintbrush, put one color on your paper and take another color on top. Mix it and you'll find a new color is comin' up.

Mixing colors is a new thing for me. Music has always been very serious for me, but my friendships are very silly while most of my writing remains philosophical. I just realized that the new material I am working on is starting to blend all these areas of my life. I never thought you could blend them all, but really if we couldn’t, Tim Burton movies wouldn’t be so popular!

. When I don't have anything to do and get bored, I start painting and then I just can't stop and it makes me feel good.

Does it get any easier than that?

. Take any piece of string. It doesn't matter what kind. Cut it if it's anything like yarn. Put chalk or paint all over it. Put your finger on the very top and grab the other end of the little thing that's stickin' out and pull. Press it on the paper. Then you have the beautiful marking of paint or chalk on the paper.

Trying new things is so scary for us. We think we have to wait until we have money or more material to work with. Just like small craft pieces around our house, we have things within our own character that we can pull from to create something new and beautiful.

. Please take your paintbrush and some paint. Paint whatever you want. Scribbles can be very pretty.

This is such a great pearl. Even our scribbles can be pretty.

. Take markers, some friends and a big piece of paper. Take turns drawing on the paper. Don't fight on whatever somebody draws.

Including friends and being open to what they have to contribute can surprise us!

. Go outside and pick some flowers. Press the flower or leaves while dragging them across your piece of paper. A surprise will come out of the flower.

It’s interesting to me that she saw a use for a flower besides simply being pretty. We should begin to look at people this way!

. Get some wash-off markers and draw a tattoo on your arm, your legs, your chest or even on your forehead. Don't wash it off.

This is the classic case of throwing caution to the wind. We are taught to make sure we simply stay clean at all times!

. With a pencil you can draw a mountain, a dog, a fish, a stream, children going for an Easter egg hunt or you could draw anything with a pencil. When you're done, put it wherever you want to put it.

…and all you need is a pencil… ;)

. Take paint and paintbrush and water and then take your wet paintbrush and put it in any color and just make little twirly lines with your paintbrush. Put your paintbrush into the water and then into another color, and then back into the water. Now your water has color. Now just shake it over your paper and make little dots and it won't be water anymore. It will be paint. If you like the color of your water, just draw with it. Sometimes it looks like a different color on your paper, but it's still pretty.

It’s another analogy like the flower where she saw another use for the water. It shows ingenuity and attentiveness.

. Find a stick and take it home and take a piece of paper and a bottle of grown-up ink. Put your stick into the ink bottle and on your paper. Just make funny lines and the ink will come off the stick on the paper. It's pretty hard to make one, but you can make a face, a heart or a person drawing with ink. I'm just giving an example, but you can make a watermelon or anything else you want to make with ink. And you can always scribble.

I love that she gave some ideas, but also gave permission to just scribble!

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It’s funny how we don’t really return to this simple thinking until we grow old. When I look at her advice and apply it to my life, it seems to be pretty solid! Why don’t we go to them more often instead of paying that $200/hr?

Instead of waiting for life to drop off all the materials we think we need, why don’t we realize that life HAS given us the materials we need already?

We are equipped…
Karen :)

“There is a Japanese proverb that literally goes 'Raise the sail with your stronger hand,' meaning you must go after the opportunities that arise in life that you are best equipped to do.” ~Soichiro Honda

(Soichiro was the founder the Honda Motor Company, but he and his wife were both pilots. He also liked to ski, hang-glide & go ballooning at the age of 77 and was an accomplished artist.)

One Day without a Mirror

2010-12-27T19:13:00.000-08:00

Have you ever gone on vacation and packed way too much stuff? I was talking to a friend who was heading to an island for a tropical holiday and she was saying how she had double the stuff her husband did. She giggled and said, “They don’t understand how much we require.”

Well, I really question the use of the word ‘require’ in this case. She needed a certain amount of clothes, but then several pairs of shoes, blow dryers, straightening irons, curling irons, rollers, make-up, jewelry, beachwear, many pairs of sunglasses and the list goes on & on.

I have gone away and come home to look in my suitcase which still had the clothes folded the initial way, unused. The idea was that I was going to look magazine front-cover fantastic not just every day, but for each meal and outing of the day. When we take on this mentality on vacation, it’s easy to spend more time in front of the hotel room mirror than experiencing the place we’re visiting!

Women especially use all those items every single day for work, so it seems pretty normal to lug all that along on vacation. Then, how can it be considered a vacation if we are doing the same thing as we just did at home? It’s actually more work, because you have to drag that stuff around airports and on planes, into hotels and be mindful of your passport and travel plans at the same time. It’s no wonder most people need a vacation from their vacation by the time they get home!

I have really looked at the word ‘vacation’ in recent years. I would view a vacation as unplugging completely although working on music isn’t work to me. When I see people texting their friends back home on holidays, it’s a lovely thought, but have you ever wondered what it would be like to get rid of everything that was equated to work and being at home?

Personally, I would rather be at home than be on an island. I am not big on travelling. What I love more than anything in the world is to ponytail my hair and hang out with animals. I like day trips more than week-to-10 day trips. When I went horseback riding in the hills, that was a good getaway. Anytime we have to entertain someone else, it’s hard to call it a vacation.

Everyone’s life and job is different, but what we all have in common is the need to have a breather. Sometimes we need a break from family and sometimes it’s from work.

Have you ever gone shopping all day, especially at Christmas…and you feel physically ill by the time you are done? Some of it happens before we reach the mall (which I am proud to say I didn’t step foot into this season…YAY!)

If you are planning a day to go shopping, you may shower and get dolled up before even leaving the house. That can take 45-1 hour. We have to check ourselves in the car mirrors throughout the day and then at the mall, you have to go to the bathroom to freshen up. The mirror seems to keep reminding us throughout the day to keep up with it. Then of course, every store seems to have full-length mirrors reminding us that our own wardrobe is getting tired.

I only know a handful of people who have recognized that all those mirror moments add up to devour our very precious moments in life. If we actually felt better by checking our arms, stomach, butt and thighs every morning or when putting a new outfit on, I would say; go for it, do it all day long! Unfortunately, the mirror has become an enemy which we seem to enjoy having a codependent relationship with.

Now, I do like the mirror in the case of checking for food stuck in my teeth, but other than that, hair brushing and make-up I keep very practical. When I get dressed, I might check in once every 10 times or so. I came from a family whose matriarch liked to make sure everyone left the house looking like ladies. Mom put curlers in our hair and dressed us up. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expressing yourself this way, but I am seeing way too many people who are not happy-go-lucky like their attire would have you believe.

If you didn’t have to look in the mirror today, what would you do with yourself? If your nails were cut short, would you pick up an instrument and learn to play? If you didn’t have to do your hair and make-up, could you throw a snowsuit on and go tobogganing with your kids? If you didn’t have to put on heels, could you throw on some hiking boots and grab the dog and go walking? If you didn’t have to wear a skirt, could you jump on a bicycle or motorcycle?

Wouldn’t it be better to have a vacation from the mirrors? I don’t think we have to go back-packing in the wilderness to achieve it.

Hope your Holidays ROCK!

Karen :)

“Let us be grateful to the mirror for revealing to us our appearance only.” ~Samuel Butler

Where is Your Adventurous Side?

2010-12-26T17:39:00.000-08:00

“Two roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” ~Robert Frost

I feel especially connected to this quote by Robert Frost because most of the choices I have made have been the one less travelled. I was the little girl who would eat green strawberries while everyone else waiting for them to turn color. Some of my choices caused me great stomach pain both literally and figuratively, but I boldly made the choice to take option B more times than not.

Seeing what is behind Door number 2 will either give us something greater or make us regret ever going there, but the thing about me is I have never been comfortable with not looking. Wondering what else is available to me and losing sleep over it was always more painful than the disappointment of the gamble.

I was also the girl who would pluck a green pepper from the garden and go on a walk with it pretending it was my magical fruit with hidden powers. Other kids went straight for the fruit trees. Maybe by simply loving the color green, the good and bad outcomes would be evenly balanced. I was the girl who chased the arts while others found safe good-paying jobs. I like to think that by choosing the road less travelled I haven’t become richer like gambling on the slower horse, but I am quite certain my choice made life at least more interesting.

My experiences have provided a very colorful backdrop to my current place and state in the world. I now have a palette of colors to paint with that I wouldn’t have, had I taken the same path as everyone else.

Playing it safe seems to be a constant reminder whenever we gamble a bit in life. I have found the best way to gamble is not about choosing how much you invest, but by changing my mindset to be acclimated to being sure I will be totally ok with the outcome. I don’t look at life’s gambles as how much can I get back, I look at them as trying something new. I make sure my mind is prepared for whatever the result is. How will I react to the bad endings? I make sure I understand the goal is to gain perspective not to gain monetary items.

Some people view the Robert Frost quote as being adventurous. When I made the move from Canada to Los Angeles, I could hear the very loud whispers in the circles around me from people who were very sure I was mad. I didn’t have it all figured out when I came here. I packed a suitcase and a smaller bag and I knew that was close to stupid at the time. But looking back, it wasn’t at all. What was the worst that could happen? That’s the thing; I didn’t look at the worst case scenario because I felt like I was already living the worst case scenario in Canada. How can a green strawberry make you sick when you already have the flu? I didn’t feel threatened by any potential effect.

‘Trial by fire’ is another phrase I feel very associated with. There were so many choices I had made that were forced. Some of us need a fire lit underneath us in order to go running while others won’t budge from the chair unless the whole house is on fire. Some people are so sad, they welcome their home burning so they don’t have to face another day. I have taunted the fire around me to take me with it.

This morning I saw the two feral kitties on the roof. I hate that they bite at their fleas all the time. I got to thinking that the fleas keep them calm and occupied because they never do too much of anything else. I wondered what kinds of things they would do if they didn’t have a flea distracting them. I see them spot one another and swing the tails in anticipation of some play, but then they will both be stopped by their own fleas. The one kitty this morning went into a rolling frenzy as though he was saying, “Fleas, fleas, fleas, yeah I got them, whatever…life’s a riot!”

We all have something holding us back from being adventurous. The hard part is to figure out how to find ourselves in it all when our skin is crawling. We become so fixated on our skin that we simply can’t find the person we are on the inside.

I guess we can be an indoor kitty without fleas; safe and clean or we can endure the bites and go hunting. Maybe the best of both worlds is to tackle those fleas once and for all so we can’t be bitten on the journey. Running away from problems isn’t part of an adventure, adventure should make us feel free!

Staying off the beaten path,

Karen :)

“Freedom lies in being BOLD.” ~Robert Frost

The Wisdom of Dr. Love

2010-12-23T18:18:00.000-08:00

I mentioned how much Beethoven changes the mood in my house. (his music, not him…he’s not around…lol) I also get a lot from Leo Buscaglia who was a Professor and lecturer and was known as Dr. Love.

I don’t know if I am just getting older and mushier, but I find myself drenched in things that make me feel good. I try not to be in circles that promote hate, revenge, anger or violence although I like to write on those topics sometimes in my extracurricular writings and ramblings on occasion. I wished I would have stumbled upon this guy in my youth. He has a fantastic array of videos on youtube which even though some are closing in on 40 years ago, still hold up today. It’s part of why I tend to read and watch messages from people who lived well before me. They have marinated in a good way; time, tested and true.

Leo Buscaglia was not only promoting love as the most powerful force on the earth, but his energy was infectious and his lectures were contagious. I always walk away feeling excited about the mysteries not yet discovered and he gives a child-like perspective on adult issues. I like that his messages while very deep and layered, maintain a sense of simplicity.

Some of my favorite quotes come from him. You’ve probably heard some of them before, but today I felt the need to revisit them even though I know them.

One of my favorites;

“I still get wildly enthusiastic about little things... I play with leaves. I skip down the street and run against the wind.”

In a society where we are taught to strive for the big things, I am finding more and more I love the little things. What I find interesting about the quote is that the leaves and wind are actually NOT little things! That is part of an enormous magnificent weather system. I think we feel as though they are insignificant because we are simply used to them and we starve for new things. How fun it is to stay connected to this force and how good it is for our soul! I think nature is becoming a retro movement again, but how can we have a relationship with it that keeps us connected rather than a passing trend? I view the rain as part of my life now rather than something to bring me down…we should be in awe of it!

Another fantastic quote by him which I try to live by;

“Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.”

Until I realized that I needed to ditch the idea of controlling anyone around me, I think I was contributing to their stunted state. We tend to complain that we hate how someone is acting, how little their thoughts are, how much they annoy us, but we speak down to them and keep them stifled. True growth needs room to grow and may have to go through some awkward, gangly stages before reaching their glow.

“Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.”

This was something many of us were taught as child. Don’t be a ‘wuss’, ‘tree-hugger’ or some other cat-like phrases. Lol I am still knee-deep in the lesson of gentleness actually being a strong trait and attribute. That one has taken me a very long time to digest. Generally, people who are cruel are in self-defense mode and may have reached a point where their decisions are based on desperation. If you hang out with enough gentle people, you soon realize that the cruel ones are only hurting themselves and are not triumphing over the weak, they are the weak.

This quote is really wise;

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”

I have spent most of my life worrying. Worry doesn’t spawn action, you have to actually convert it before it works. I am learning to distance myself from things which rob my happiness, that is, if I can’t convert it.

And I’ll end with this quote from him;

“Don't brood. Get on with living and loving. You don't have forever.”

Something I find interesting is that living and loving are things I can do while the world is going crazy. I don’t have to wait for things to get better and I don’t have to push other problems aside in order to practice living and loving. If I realize it can be inserted into everything I do quite effortlessly, I can stand back and allow my new mindset to take over the bad stuff. I don’t have to put so much responsibility on myself to fix it all, just by living and loving, the attitude shift can make my conversion to a healthier lifestyle seamless.

It can seem redundant to revisit the simple messages we were taught, but when our lives become increasingly cluttered and crazy, we sometimes have to go back to the beginning and return to the simple message which has proven to work; love. Love started it all, has proven itself and I try to stay aware of the things which distract me from it; the news, the bickering, the gossip, the arguments, new techniques, new science. They are all parts of our life meant to be experienced to some degree for our own growth and wisdom, but returning to love is what keeps me grounded in a very fulfilling way and strips the cobwebs, not to mention fires up new life.

Off to jump in a puddle,

Karen :)

Quote quota used up. ;)

Christmas Ideas for People Who Are Alone

2010-12-22T22:24:00.001-08:00

Baking and cooking, then taking it to neighbors. You can spend a few minutes at each place, it doesn’t have to be long visits. (Have your favorite music blaring while you bake and in your vehicle on the way to and from your neighbors)This person says, ‘Skip the pity invites’ I’m not sure people are pitying you, but her point was that someone else’s family drama might make you miss your friends or family more.

Pampering Day; run a tub, wrap your hair in a towel and give yourself a facial, manicure or pedicure (Have your favorite music blaring in the back)

Go ice skating at the local rink. (Make sure your blast music on the way to and from the rink, you get to endure whatever music is on at the rink, but it’s usually part of the experience no matter how corny)

Find photos to send to friends online and wish them a Merry Christmas. (Keep music blaring in your house)

Go hiking in the woods with your dog (You could even put a walkman on)

Do something you have always wanted to do; paint, write, make music, pick up a guitar, find an online lesson on youtube and learn a few chords

Get out and do some charity work. You can call your local animal shelters, churches and homeless centers

Change the lighting in your home. Buy candles, a new lamp for the living room, something to make you feel like the mood has changed.

Explore a new genre of music. if you are used to Rock, why not try Classical, Piano music, soundtrack or acoustic guitar instrumental?

See if your local church is holding a service. Even if you aren’t a believer, there is usually some good people gathering and some good music or food. Someone online said she was asking friends for coats and collecting them to take to her shelter.

Rent a movie that is not Christmas related. Someone recommended ‘Die Hard’. Hahaha!

See if anyone is planning an online chat or Skype group.

Sleep in and don’t feel guilty. Get up early and go walking and go back to bed if you want. Give yourself permission to enjoy the day or waste the day.

Dress up your pets in Christmas garments or tinsel, take photos of them and send them to your friends.

Plan a dinner for friends that doesn’t happen until after Christmas, but spend Christmas preparing for it. Make them scrap books with pictures or make presents that are really connected to their individual interests. Christmas doesn’t have to happen on Christmas Day.

Create an extended family by recognizing who you want to be with, not who was forced on you. Start calling your friends Sis, Brother, Ma, Pa etc.

Someone mentioned medicating himself for the few days around Christmas to avoid it altogether. I think it’s good to look at the Holidays as days on the calendar and are just as important in your life. Just because someone decided to make traditions, doesn’t mean you have to follow them.

This one person on a forum said,

“Folks who feel bad about being solo this holiday, I can tell you there are more than afew families living true drama and not having fun this holiday. Please just think of some fun or relaxing activities for today! Remember, being alone is an art! If we can learn to enjoy our own company, take on new hobbies/skills and just deal with a day or two without NOISE, I find that art will become life form. Have a wonderful day and don't wish it away, learn from it.”

I hope whatever you decide to do, please keep in mind that the most important thing is these days are YOUR days just like the rest of the year. We are blessed to have every single moment we are given.

Much love on you!

Karen :)

“My mother was a professional sick person; she took a lot of pain pills. There are many people like that. It's just how they are used to getting attention. I always remember she's the daughter of alcoholics who'd leave her alone at Christmas time.” ~Jim Carrey

'A Slice of Life'

2010-12-21T19:39:00.000-08:00

Thought I'd share a Christmas story;

'A Slice of Life' ; by Carol McAdoo Rehme

Jean heaved another world-weary sigh. Tucking a strand of shiny black hair behind her ear, she frowned at the teetering tower of Christmas cards waiting to be signed. What was the point? How could she sign only one name? A "couple" required two people, and she was just one.

The legal separation from Don had left her feeling vacant and incomplete. Maybe she would skip the cards this year. And the holiday decorating. Truthfully, even a tree felt like more than she could manage. She had canceled out of the caroling party and the church nativity pageant. Christmas was to be shared, and she had no one to share it with.

The doorbell's insistent ring startled her. Padding to the door in her thick socks, Jean cracked it open against the frigid December night. She peered into the empty darkness of the porch. Instead of a friendly face -- something she could use about now -- she found only a jaunty green gift bag perched on the railing. From whom? she wondered. And why?

Under the bright kitchen light, she pulled out handfuls of shredded gold tinsel, feeling for a gift. Instead, her fingers plucked an envelope from the bottom. Tucked inside was a typed letter. It was a...story?

The little boy was new to the Denmark orphanage, and Christmas was drawing near, Jean read. Already caught up in the tale, she settled into a kitchen chair.

From the other children, he heard tales of a wondrous tree that would appear in the hall on Christmas Eve and of the scores of candles that would light its branches. He heard stories of the mysterious benefactor who made it possible each year.

The little boy's eyes opened wide at the mere thought of all that splendor. The only Christmas tree he had ever seen was through the fogged windows of other people's homes. There was even more, the children insisted. More? Oh, yes! Instead of the orphanage's regular fare of gruel, they would be served fragrant stew and crusty, hot bread that special night.

Last, and best of all, the little boy learned, each of them would receive a holiday treat. He would join the line of children to get his very own....

Jean turned the page. Instead of a continuation, she was startled to read: "Everyone needs to celebrate Christmas, wouldn't you agree? Watch for Part II." She refolded the paper while a faint smile teased the corner of her mouth.

The next day was so busy that Jean forgot all about the story. That evening, she rushed home from work. If she hurried, she'd probably have enough time to decorate the mantle. She pulled out the box of garland, only to drop it when the doorbell rang. Opening the door, she found herself looking at a red gift bag. She reached for it eagerly and pulled out the piece of paper.

...to get his very own orange, Jean read. An orange? That's a treat? she thought incredulously.

An orange! Of his very own? Yes, the others assured him. There would be one apiece. The boy closed his eyes against the wonder of it all. A tree. Candles. A filling meal. And an orange of his very own.

He knew the smell, tangy sweet, but only the smell. He had sniffed oranges at the merchant's stall in the marketplace. Once he had even dared to rub a single finger over the brilliant, pocked skin. He fancied for days that his hand still smelled of orange. But to taste one, to eat one? Heaven.

The story ended abruptly, but Jean didn't mind. She knew more would follow.

The next evening, Jean waited anxiously for the sound of the doorbell. She wasn't disappointed. This time, though, the embossed gold bag was heavier than the others had been. She tore into the envelope resting on top of the tissue paper.

Christmas Eve was all the children had been promised. The piney scent of fir competed with the aroma of lamb stew and homey yeast bread. Scores of candles diffused the room with golden halos. The boy watched in amazement as each child in turn eagerly claimed an orange and politely said "thank you."

The line moved quickly, and he found himself in front of the towering tree and the equally imposing headmaster.

"Too bad, young man, too bad. But the count was in before you arrived. It seems there are no more oranges. Next year. Yes, next year you will receive an orange."

Brokenhearted, the orphan raced up the stairs empty-handed to bury both his face and his tears beneath his pillow.

Wait! This wasn't how she wanted the story to go. Jean felt the boy's pain, his aloneness.

The boy felt a gentle tap on his back. He tried to still his sobs. The tap became more insistent until, at last, he pulled his head from under the pillow.

He smelled it before he saw it. A cloth napkin rested on the mattress. Tucked inside was a peeled orange, tangy sweet. It was made of segments saved from the others. A slice donated from each child. Together they added up to make one whole, complete fruit.

An orange of his very own.

Jean swiped at the tears trickling down her cheeks. From the bottom of the gift bag she pulled out an orange -- a foil-covered chocolate orange--already separated into segments. And for the first time in weeks, she smiled. Really smiled.

She set about making copies of the story, wrapping individual slices of the chocolate orange. There was Mrs. Potter across the street, spending her first Christmas alone in 58 years. There was Melanie down the block, facing her second round of radiation. Her running partner, Jan, single-parenting a difficult teen. Lonely Mr. Bradford losing his eyesight, and Sue, sole care-giver to an aging mother....

A piece from her might help make one whole.

What Do You Consider a Deal Breaker?

2010-12-19T19:22:00.000-08:00

‘What About Bob?’ is another movie I quote often. There is a scene where Bob tells his psychiatrist, “There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't. My ex-wife loves him.” Dr. Marvin responds with, “I see. So, what you're saying is that even though you are an almost-paralyzed, multi-phobic personality who is in a constant state of panic, your wife did not leave you, you left her because she... liked Neil Diamond?”

I only quote about 4-5 films you know. Anchorman, Dumb & Dumber…anything funny, really.

I hear so many reasons for why someone needs to get the boot. For me, I can’t have animal haters around. TOTAL deal breaker. :) It’s one thing if someone is truly allergic, but if you just hate them, that’s it for me! But even then, it’s not liking or hating animals, I just find people who hate animals aren’t going to gel with my personality and they’ll be sick of me soon enough, so best to save everyone future aggravation. I think someone who liked the opposite music as me would have to be a deal breaker, I couldn’t survive that. I don’t think Bob’s analogy in the movie was too far off IF that was what the problem was.

I had another friend who didn’t like that his current girlfriend had dated someone he knew. He felt it was something he just couldn’t get past but the clincher was that she told him she wanted to be a swinger and he didn’t…so, deal breaker.

Some people consider pack-rat-it is (a made up word for hoarding) or being a slob a deal breaker. Sometimes smoking, drugs or alcohol will be a deal-breaker. Cheating might be the biggest deal breaker.

I had someone block and delete me for not responding to him or clicking like on his FB posts saying he saw me respond to other people. I guess that was a deal breaker for him.

I received an email from a friend this morning who was concerned about taking his relationship with his girlfriend to a more serious level even though she was completely upfront with him about her past. I won’t go into details because I am learning more and more all the time that people are watching these videos. LOL! But, I will say he wondered if it was a deal breaker.

My thought is this; first and foremost, in my experience it’s the ones who are NOT honest about themselves who cause the problems. There are people who seem like the perfect suitor and then side-swipe you later without letting you in on it earlier. Two years into your marriage you find out they have a whole other family somewhere. If you love someone you are in a new relationship with, it shouldn’t be a deal breaker. It’s really best to put out all your cards on the table in the beginning to signify that it isn’t a competition. If someone has the decency to tell you something about their past and you say you are okay with it, you’ve been warned and you better not bring it up again. If someone tells you they love to smoke and you say, that’s ok and then spend the next 20 years nagging them to quit, you sort of brought that on yourself.

When someone tells you something about their past, I really see that as a sign of trust….that is, if they aren’t just saying it because you are bound to find out, I mean if they tell you because they love you enough to confide in you. Really, there is no law saying you have to tell a current partner everything about you.

Now I would think if the thing they told you seems like something that could cause current problems, you’d have to assess to see what is healthy for you. My experience in relationships has always been about people blind-siding me with new information well into the relationship. If someone seemed gentle and then became abusive a year into the relationship, I’d call it off…and I have.

Honestly, if we are waiting for ‘perfect’ in someone, look around…nobody is. But are they perfect for you?

It’s a fine line between asking someone to put up with too much and being tolerant of our flaws. Real friendship and real love doesn’t put all these rules and regulations on relationships, but then again…it’s a whole other ball-game when you live with someone.

If someone is super honest with you, that is pretty admirable and I really think that person deserves a medal in a society full of liars. If you think your relationship can handle some past problems and you are all about honesty and starting new, I don’t see why it would have to be a deal breaker.

If we all look in the mirror, we could probably see some faults that would make us unworthy of being in a relationship. If we are all honest and open with each other, we can choose who we hang with.

If someone calls it quits because you do something they don’t like, they were probably unwilling to look past anything that could potentially come up. In the case where I was blocked, if that was the worst fault he found with me, that I didn’t click ‘like’, I guess I still consider myself an ok person. My true friends cut me more slack than that!

Wondering if I should stop clicking like and stop responding to everyone just to see who will still like me in the end… I think I will have less than 10 friends left.

Karen :)

“No one has ever loved anyone the way everyone wants to be loved.” ~Mignon McLaughlin

How Does the Word, ‘Blank’ Make You Feel?

2010-12-18T17:46:00.000-08:00

“It's so fine and yet so terrible to stand in front of a blank canvas.” ~Paul Cezanne

Blank can be painful. Having everything stripped away is not something we are used to. After all, the world is anything but blank. Everywhere we look is clutter and chatter and lines have blurred together.
Blank is the reminder that something was taken away from us, someone was taken from us. It is the synonym of the words, ‘empty’ and ‘void’ and that makes us want to give up.

Blank can be scary. It seems like an unknown which we are also not used to. After all, the world continuously threatens us with terrifying nightmares. Everywhere we look are monsters and demons and someone is coming to get us. Blank is the reminder that someone can see us out in the open and has an easy shot to take us down. It is the synonym of the word, ‘vacant’ and that feels like a scene for a horror movie.

Blank can be exciting. Starting over can seem like a new beginning. After all, the sun rises and sets, the rain comes to purify, we get rest time in between it all and each moment in our life is an opportunity to begin again. Everywhere we look are seeds turning into flowers, caterpillars turning into butterflies and new life being born every second in many species. Blank is the reminder that we are given each moment as a gift and the chance to try again. It is the synonym of the words, ‘clear’ and ‘clean’ and that feels fresh.

The idea is to change my perspective on something I see or in this case, something I don’t see. By simply taking the word, ‘blank’ and breaking it down into, ‘painful’, ‘scary’ and ‘exciting’ I am able to embrace the opportunity in the word while not dismissing its origin. I also acknowledge the things that could threaten my new beginning. Essentially, I keep myself ‘aware’.

This is why I break everything down. It’s not just my love for philosophy or words but it’s like panning for gold and searching for solutions. The phrase, ‘When life hands you lemons, make lemonade’ comes from this thought process even though it’s become so popular now that we dismiss it as a solution. It’s either too intimidating to start fresh or we feel too guilty for doing so.

For many years I would beat myself up at the notion of starting over. You may feel guilty for going out and having some fun if you left an unhealthy situation or if you were left alone. Sometimes we are made to feel as though we should wallow in our unhappiness just a bit longer because society believes healing time takes a certain amount of time.

I was thinking about the story my Mother told me when she sat in her Pastor’s office. He was watching her twist her wedding and engagement rings in circles around her fingers. She said after many years of mourning my Father’s death, she didn’t know when she should remove them. He asked her if she even wanted to. He told her there was no law saying she couldn’t keep them on forever if she wanted to. She just looked at them. He said, “unless you are thinking you would like to take them off.” She actually did want to take them off but said she felt guilty about it. She said it had been decades since she’s seen that finger bare. He told her she was allowed to put any ring she wanted on it. She decided to take them off that day and she put another ring on.

I think she felt like everyone would be watching her if she removed my Dad’s rings. She wondered if people would think she was single and on the prowl or something. She realized there were actually three options, not two. Keep the rings on, take the rings off or put another one in its place. Taking them off seemed scary, replacing them felt painful and nothing felt exciting. Keeping them on at least felt familiar. When she replaced them with another one, I believe she saw that as transitional. It was a ring that meant something to her but not from a suitor.

Sometimes we either fill up the blank canvas because it feels like the safe choice. It’s not painful, scary or exciting.

But what if we just embraced the opportunity to choose and went with something that feels like the right choice?

The lesson that I got from Mom’s experience in that office was she was able to make a choice that was bothering her and came up with a solution that came from her soul. The ring she picked to put on it was simply a special ring she had and she felt connected to it.

I think many of us try to fill our void and blank canvas with something equally as detrimental to our spirit as what was initially cluttering up the space in the first place. It’s probably better to choose something to put on our canvas that is really and truly a part of us, something we are passionate about or will make us feel truly content. Otherwise, going to the store and racking up the credit card just puts us in debt, a one-night stand leaves us feeling cold and drugs or alcohol makes us feel ashamed.

This is why my blank canvas is full of music. Music actually has the capability of knocking things out of the way and is powerful enough to clean the canvas for me! We all have something we are passionate about.

So, let me ask; Is blank painful, scary or exciting for you?

Karen :)

“An empty canvas is a living wonder... far lovelier than certain pictures.” ~Wassily Kandinsky

Are You Too Sensitive?

2010-12-17T19:52:00.000-08:00

I have covered this topic before a bit in ‘waiting for others to change’ and ‘are you too invested’, but it’s worth looking at again.

One of the questions I was asked, ‘Is there any satisfaction in knowing you’re too-compassionate, and always believe the best in people?’ It was regarding someone who was supporting a friend’s music and this guy had snapped at him a few times in what he felt was a condescending way. He had posted up some video with info in a language he didn’t understand and got snapped at for requesting an English version suggesting it was only for fans from that country. There were other incidences where he was really short with people around him too. He also said he drove a lot and spent a lot of money supporting him. He felt really hurt by that seeing as he was always supporting him.

There are two mini topics I want to talk about; the word ‘Supporting’ and the word ‘Expectations’.

Supporting; This is a topic I have been meaning to cover anyways seeing as I am also an artist in the public eye. For anybody who has been around long enough, you may remember my joke about the underwire bra. When I hear the word ‘support’, forgive me but that is what I think of. I am personally really happy to hear when someone says, ‘I will support you Karen’ but the reason I am not a big fan of the saying is because when artists have the support of a fan base or friends, there is a danger that a codependent relationship can transpire. I personally released the music from being a part of that. I make my living working and you’ll never hear me thank anyone for their support. I don’t regurgitate phrases like, “I couldn’t do this without you.” That phrase isn’t true. I have made music for years without anyone. I make music and I share it with anyone who wants to listen happily, but I am sorry to say I am not one of those artists who will thank the fans for their support. I have supported myself for years. What this does is frees me from becoming indebted to people, frees the people who buy the music from having to purchase everything I put out and most importantly frees the music from having to make money and turning into some marketable bubblegum crap. I make music and then I share it for those who want to hear it. I feel like the music has something to offer too, so it’s not a case of me being in debt to someone who buys it.

I do believe friends offer love and support to one another, but true love and support shouldn’t come with the expectations.

Expectations; Do you remember me saying that ‘when we have expectations of other people we will be disappointed?’ That was a phrase I learned (and really one of the only good things I learned) from a therapist.

I encounter this almost daily and I guess I have just learned to allow them to have their journey and let go of any responsibility or control in the matter. Everyone has problems, complications and a history. Most of those we don’t see based on one or two sentences from them. In the music industry there is a danger of ego taking over and so artists will also recite music industry phrases that make them seem a bit more ‘rockstar’. “Check out my music”, “Thanks for Your Support” or anything to do with Itunes, myspace, facebook, youtube and reverb nation are some of the things they think they should say. Many artists have a sense of entitlement because they think they have worked harder than anyone out there so it makes them eligible to unload and unleash snobby phrases on their listeners. As a music listener, I really want the people I love to be really cool. I don’t want to know that Ian Gillan is a jerk if he is because I love Deep Purple. It would be disappointing to me. There can be an expectation that Ian should be cool because his music is cool. The truth is Ian is a person and I shouldn’t worry about how cool he is or if he appreciates me and my ‘support’ or not. He didn’t ask me for it. He recorded some songs because he wanted to. If I get something from his music, does it matter if he’s a jerk?

The one other thing I want to bring up is this particular person asked me if he was being too sensitive. There is something simply outstanding about being sensitive in a desensitized society. It’s not a bad trait. But I don’t suspect that is the problem here. I think maybe it’s more a case that he truly felt like he was supporting this artist, felt invested in him as an artist and friend and therefore had some expectations that he would be treated better. Our reaction to all of it is where we feel too sensitive, but I believe the feeling of being too sensitive is just the reaction. We shouldn’t be questioning our own heart, we should be questioning our motivation and our own expectations. I’ve said many times that it’s best for me to do something nice for someone and then run away like it never happened. That way, you go onto do the next thing in life and don’t look back to see if you got anything back. It does hurt though when you immediately get something negative back. We also shouldn’t be questioning our hearts then, we should be questioning our expectations and evaluate what it truly means to show love without anything in return. The truth is the people who are truly mean, may be the very ones who need our love!

Making music like nobody is listening…spreading love like a Chef sprinkles icing sugar on pancakes,
(He just does it and no patrons come to thank him)

Karen :)

“All sensitive people agree that there is a peculiar emotion provoked by works of art.”
~Clive Bell

‘Are You Lying to Someone?’

2010-12-16T17:38:00.000-08:00

“Lying to someone you love to keep them happy is like a doctor giving out cigarettes to his lung cancer patients to keep them coming.” I saw that on someone’s status update.

Some people will tell you little white lies are ok. You know the kind, ‘I’m washing my hair tonight, sorry I can’t make it’ or ‘I have a headache, I can’t make it to your show’. You’ve heard me say before that my standard answer is, ‘I don’t want to.’ I say that because it’s true. :)

Then there are the medium lies we tell that involve fantasy-based characters being the mascots for the Holidays.

The lies which sting are when you say you can’t come to a party and then the host of that party sees you down at the Liquor Store dressed to the nines because you are going somewhere else. Ouch.

How about the lies we tell to cover up bits of our past that are either embarrassing or could be harmful to the current relationship? Maybe it isn’t a full-on lie, maybe it’s a cover-up.

Maybe we aren’t lying but instead just not defending the truth.

A lie isn’t what tends to hurt us, it’s the consequence of the lie. However we will tell our partners we can handle anything so long as it’s the truth. We will say we don’t appreciate being lied to.

If someone cheats on us, we’ll rant and rave about how it was the lie that got us. “Yeah, he cheated and then lied about it.” Well the truth is the cheating is what hurts us. The consequence is that they can’t be trusted. If the lie bugged us so much, we’d be mad about Santa and the Easter Bunny too…but we still get presents, so who cares, right?

The part that we are ashamed us usually isn’t the lie, it’s the act. Then, people are generally only sorry when they get caught in the act or caught lying.

It’s almost impossible to heal anything with an ongoing lie, but if you are ready to fess up to something, you better be ready to face the consequence that goes with it. Like giving yourself up to the police, you may get a lesser sentence, but you are still going to do the time.

What I am finding with many people is nobody seems to think telling the truth is very convenient. This is especially true when there is cheating or even just a ‘loss of love’ like admitting you simply don’t love someone. If you rely on your spouse for money or financial support, it’s imperative to keep the lie going so you don’t end up homeless.

In looking back at the original, “Lying to someone you love to keep them happy is like a doctor giving out cigarettes to his lung cancer patients to keep them coming.” I think the problem is that when we are stuck in a lie like that, we may think we are keeping them happy, but we never seem to consider our own happiness. I don’t mean the kind of happiness that keeps you going to a hotel room every other night or affords you the time to hang at a bar with the boys, but the happiness knowing your character is in check.

What if we took them out of the equation altogether, can we look at ourselves in the mirror and feel ok about whatever we are lying about? Can this also enter as a factor in ditching the lie? What does it say about us when we have to lie?

Another thing to consider is what does it say about our situation is we have to lie? Are we in something really unhealthy for our spirit? Are we trapped by not just the lie, but by people or surroundings? Is the lie maybe just an indication of a much bigger problem? How do we free ourselves of the lie and the all the circumstances which helped to cultivate the lie?

Everyone feels justified for lying otherwise, nobody would do it. But if you really feel like you have a good solid reason for lying and for argument sake, we’ll say you are justified, what are you covering up, protecting or just really knee-deep in that is so important that your spirit is being compromised?

I’ve had many years of adjusting in my life and the best thing I have ever done was switched into spirit-protection mode. It’s where I have assessed what is good for my spirit and what isn’t. It’s where I hire armed guards to watch out for me while I sleep. This protection is meant to always keep my character in alignment. I figure if I make every decision based on what is best for my spirit, my problems and issues won’t bleed into the lives of others. It’s what stops a person from cheating on someone just because they cheated on you. It stops us from seeking revenge or doing harm to others. I find it quite self-regulating.

So yes, lying to someone to keep them happy is pretty ridiculous no matter the reason. I’ve even said children are more resilient than we give them credit for. I know a boy right now who has seen more from his parents than maybe what he should, but he has a very clear idea of what is going on and he can talk quite openly about their situation. Is it dysfunctional? Maybe. But he’s not being lied to and therefore he gets to assess it based on the truth and because the truth of his parents really awful relationship is out in the open, other people can talk openly to the boy and he knows it’s not his fault. This is a good thing.

I’m more concerned that people are lying to themselves and therefore are chipping away at their own character which is of greater concern. The fear is that once we have hurt our spirit, we can’t get it back. But we too are resilient and we get to have new beginnings. We are equipped and we can start fresh with a new protective liner on our spirit. We just have to make it our priority and get rid of the lies to start. Just like demolishing a house to build a new one, it’s pretty ugly for a while.

Maybe next time someone asks me to do something, I’ll change my ‘I don’t want to’ to ‘No thank you.’ It sounds a bit nicer, doesn’t it? ;)

Karen :)

“I do myself a greater injury in lying than I do him of whom I tell a lie.” ~Michael de Montaigne

Are You an Easy Target?

2010-12-15T20:15:00.000-08:00

Someone had responded to part of the blog, ‘How Can We Simplify the Message?’ by saying, “Karen, staying open makes you an easy target.”

The problem with that statement is I didn’t say ‘Standing out in the open’, I said I was staying open; big difference. I didn’t say I was going to walk onto the highway at rush-hour. This is what happens when we are used to hooking on to catch-phrases in the English language without giving much regard for their meaning. If a saying is popular enough (like the title to this blog….lol) we just go ahead and run with it. It’s kind of like me mentioning before, ‘If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.’ That phrase is actually not true, it’s just cool and catchy. If I don’t stand for something, there could be a million reasons why I don’t. It doesn’t mean I am going to fall for anything that comes my way. Catch phrases like that are designed to manipulate and control and keep everyone in the same state of thinking.

‘Are You an Easy Target?’ is another one. The statement I was given, “Karen, staying open makes you an easy target.” Is just something people say to one another. There isn’t much thought put into MY scenario when someone says it, they are only thinking about THEIR experience or simply just saying something that sounds wise but actually doesn’t apply.

We have sayings, rules, quotes and laws which dictate just about everything. Some are good, some are questionable but I try not to generalize anything or anyone by throwing a statement at them which doesn’t apply to them.

So back to the phrase “Karen, staying open makes you an easy target.” Well first of all, it actually doesn’t but in my usual philosophical need to break things down in the hopes of coming to a greater understanding, let me run with where I think this person was headed.

With the exception of having no regard for what I said in the first place, and messing up the original saying by regurgitating something he heard (I am thinking what he really meant was staying out in the open) I’m going to just take the phrase he said at face value. What I am essentially going to do is ‘stay open to what he is telling me’ which if it goes horribly wrong, he’s going to prove his own phrase to be correct. ;)

Staying open makes me an easy target; I see this as the idea that if I keep my mind free of all stubborn-headed, possibly arrogant indoctrination I have learned before and keep my eyes open and my ears alert I will somehow be blown to bits by sniper rifles from a tall building.

Now, perhaps this is a person who has been burned before and has tried to stay open to hearing what people had to say. Therefore, he was issuing me a warning so that I wouldn’t get burned too. That was thoughtful! Lol

The thing is this; Listening doesn’t burn you. Letting someone speak and have their turn doesn’t burn you. Considering what a person has to say doesn’t burn you. Running with someone else’s idea could burn you, but couldn’t it also be fun?

The blog he was referring to was ‘How Can We Simplify the Message’ where I was saying I was open to hearing everyone’s beliefs but don’t necessarily agree. I went on to say how I was exploring some bits of wisdom from animals. I wasn’t jumping into full-on Shamanism, I was simply exploring and having fun in doing so.

I believe when we stay open to what people are saying, there’s really not much chance of being a target. You might become a target if you blindly go along with what they say, but then the saying should be ‘Going along blindly with what someone says makes you an easy target’…not as catchy…a bit wordy.

What I find staying open does is two things; it makes you seem cooler than you maybe are…hahahaha and it can be a lot of fun.

Some people do consider themselves an easy target meaning they think they are too soft or too gullible. But I love those traits more than their opposites. The world could stand a bit more softness in my opinion.

I talk a lot about words that have been hijacked but what about words that have been lost like ‘fun’? Can’t we visit another country and enjoy the culture? The problem is, we don’t want someone’s differences coming here. It’s completely bizarre to me but above all, we are missing out on the joys of staying open and learning something new. We don’t even have to make it our new religion or belief, we can simply listen and enjoy!

Boy oh boy, what ever happened to laughter? I could choose to get paranoid about someone thinking I am practicing Shamanism and just talk all day about how wrong it is or I can just grab the topic, have some fun with it, laugh at the animals and all their wisdom and go enjoy some tea. It doesn’t have to be so serious. But above all else, I don’t ever think I have it all figured out so why wouldn’t I stay open?

Staying open has contributed healthy things to my character and made me less grouchy. Ever notice how many people get grouchy about their beliefs? Even though I try and stay open to someone grouchy and angry telling me how awesome their belief system is, I’m not going to laugh, have fun or learn as much…that’s for sure. I think staying closed-minded or locked away isn’t progression of our character either. Most people end up depressed that way and what kind of life-style is that?

But yes, standing out in the open highway at rush hour isn’t very smart, I agree. But seriously, did someone think I was going to do that? ;)

You know when I said everyone should cut each other some slack, I should also add, ‘This is life! LIGHTEN UP!!!’

Rant transmission ended…will return to our regularly-scheduled loving channel momentarily. Heehee

Karen :)

“People are very open-minded about new things - as long as they're exactly like the old ones.” ~Charles Kettering

Who Has ‘Daddy Issues’?

2010-12-14T18:11:00.000-08:00

Today would have been my Father’s 75^th birthday. This is completely insane to me! That was around the age my Grandfather died (My Mom’s Dad) I was thinking how I have siblings who are close to my Father’s age when he died. It’s a weird day for me for sure.

I was watching Goldmember to fall asleep to last night. For any of you who remember the scene where Austin Powers and Dr. Evil are talking in the jail, you’ll know why I was laughing so hard.

But part of me laughs because I really did have Daddy issues. My father passed away when I was nicely turning 6. He was a good Daddy and a strong leader. He kept his house in line, that’s for sure!

Some people say the Stever men are too tough but I think that would have been better than the alternative which is what I ended up with; a household with a single Mom raising four children on her own and each of us had the fiery Stever personality so talk about having challenges!

It’s another phrase which gets used a lot. I’ve heard the term given to women who are promiscuous, ungrounded, angry and misled or depressed. Well, some of those applied to me…I’ll let you argue amongst yourselves which ones…hahaha!

At some point in my life, I had to get past the labeling of ‘daddy issues’. Am I going to use that as a crutch for my whole life just because some counselor told me that’s what I had? It’s fine if that is the clinical term although I doubt it is, but it’s another phrase which doesn’t seem to be very helpful. Oh good, so I have Daddy issues, awesome…now what do I do with the information? Do I just tell every man I run into to stand back as though I have a contagious illness? Do I sit in Daddy Issue support meetings week after week until I earn enough club points to cash in for a vacation?

I had to realize that my issues were not that simple. It might take an mildly ok psychologist to diagnose the illness as ‘Daddy Issues’ but it takes way more effort to first of all, understand what the phrase means and then systematically get through the series of sessions required for healing. There is such a danger with given that phrase to someone because the label can be like a ball and chain on our ankle for life! Without properly getting to the root of the problem, the label makes us completely incapacitated. We act like a bird who is downed by a torn wing.

As it turns out, my ‘daddy issues’ were just a nice way of saying every male contact I had was problematic but what I don’t like is that my father’s death had to take the blame for it all. My father loved to fly, he was free and he accidentally died doing it. This is not where the blame should be.

My childhood was perfectly lovely until I was sexually assaulted by a man when I was 11-14. That is not a daddy issue, that is an assault issue. In looking back, it should have been dealt with better. I have only recently been truly dealing with that recently because I quit viewing the man as a Father figure and started looking at him as an assailant. I was attacked, that’s the issue. This is not my Father’s fault nor is it my Mother’s fault. She didn’t set me up for it. I could go onto to say I have Mommy issues if I blamed her for setting us up that way, but as if she saw that one coming!

We are all given so many labels and we are over-labeling children as well instead of addressing what is happening to us and to them.

So, on this day I will celebrate my Father by relieving him completely of being at fault for other men attacking me. There is absolutely no way he could have known that by building and flying his airplanes it would have lead to a death that would have caused his children years of troubles which could as some experts say, bleed into the lives of his grandchildren. It’s true that his absence was felt in my home, but I am not going to give myself or anyone else the term ‘Daddy issues’. I can’t think of a scenario anymore where it applies. If your own Father was a jerk or an abuser, you have issues with an abuser. Of course it adds a unique dimension when they are related to you, but I’m not sure it leads to anything healing nor is it helpful.

Happy Birthday Daddy, you gave me way more than anyone could ever accuse you of taking from me…

Karen :)

“How true Daddy's words were when he said: all children must look after their own upbringing. Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.” ~Anne Frank

How Can We Simplify the Message?

2010-12-13T18:02:00.000-08:00

In my thinking that everyone’s belief system is their own and that every single faith and belief out there is possible because of our gift of choice (which I believe is the best gift we have ever been given), I have learned to be very tolerant of what people believe. I don’t consider this political correctness; rather I love people enough to let them choose. After all, we are free to live and free to make our own choices. Allowing someone to believe what they want is my way of showing love. I don’t argue beliefs because an argument to me is not loving.

Now, I do have fun reading about different philosophies in various cultures and I have decided most wisdom still comes from animals. ;)

This was from a link that was passed around; (I just grabbed 3 animals I am familiar with. My thoughts are in brackets)

Dog's Wisdom Includes:

Heals emotional wounds in humans (How can we learn to do that?)
Understanding of the duality of doubt and faith (They encompass balance here)
Companionship (They simply love to be around us, if we would notice them more, we could learn how loving they are)
Unquestioned loyalty (To a fault, but it keeps their character strong and true)
Love (Dogs not only love us, but they know what the purity of love is)
Knowledge of all things sensual (their sense of anything physical is dead on)
Protection (Not only know when to go into protection mode but will protect their humans to the death…even other animals)
Ability to smell trouble from a distance (How can I gain this skill? It might be their greatest attribute!)

Domestic Cat's Wisdom Includes:

Independence (While they seem unbalanced in this respect, cats who are separated from each other bounce back easily whereas dogs long for their partners for a long time)
Seeing the unseen (Night Vision! I want that! Have you ever seen your kitty stare at something and you look at the same location and there is nothing there? They even spot specks of lint on the floor that we don’t notice and they will patrol the area around it!)
Protection (I would say they have the ability to protect the greater area. These two kitties in the parking lot have kept it for years now)
Love (When it’s time to love, they love with their whole heart. They maybe don’t love as often as dogs, but when they do, it’s like they are trying to crawl under your skin…SO much affection)
Allows us to dream its dreams (This could be a topic all on its own with many interpretations, but I like the idea that it shows us things we may not have seen before)
Assists in meditation (I have entered other realms just by petting a cat one thousand times…it’s like magic…lol)
Ability to fight when cornered (I don’t like fighting, but I do admire their fearless nature)

Horse/Pony/Mustang's Wisdom Includes:

Power (When I lived on the farm, we would brush the horses down and I was always in awe of how their muscles were laid out so intricately. I have always been humbled by their power. I also love that their power is to be admired, not feared. It’s a good lesson in proper leadership)
Stamina (I also like that their emotions don’t interfere with their drive)
Endurance (Maybe it’s their vegetarian diet…lol)
Faithfulness (You would think that breaking them would be harder based on how they could just trample us anytime they want. It’s pretty cool that they will wait for us)
Freedom to run free (Can you imagine being set down in the forest to live? Most of us would hide, they will run full steam)
Control of the environment (That seems like a Jedi trick)
Awareness of power achieved with true cooperation (Ever seen a stampede of horses?)
Interspecies communication (How can we learn to communicate with people who are not like us and don’t speak the language? Maybe it means simplifying the message)
Expanding one’s own potential abilities (For any of you who have worked, trained or shown horses, you will totally understand this one)
Friendship and Cooperation (And done peacefully)
Travel
Astral travel
Guardian of travelers (all the travel attributes they have, certainly have shown me to be fearless in exploring and maintaining stamina throughout)
Warns of possible danger ( I often wonder how they are able to sense the things they do)
Guide to overcoming obstacles (I was thinking of when our horses used to jump. Have you ever watched them run right up to something, assess and turn and go try again and again? They know when to bail, but they don’t give up)

Overall, my favorite thing that animals teach us is to simplify our message to each other making everything less complicated. They manage to survive many years with some basic communication skills. They seem to have a message of community, protecting it, enjoying it and showing lots of love and friendship. Why can’t we figure this out? Aren’t we supposed to be the dominate species? (chuckles)

I can’t believe it didn’t mention napping…who better to help you rest than them?

Karen :)

“The best thing about animals is that they don't talk much.” ~Thornton Wilder

Is Daydreaming Distracting?

2010-12-12T19:22:00.000-08:00

"You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we're doing it.” ~Neil Gaiman

It was a Garry Marshall book I read where he talked about how baseball teaches us where we should be in life. He liked being the Umpire, so naturally he gravitated towards being the Director. I remember he gave me the book after I worked with him in Toronto on a TV show. The book was called ‘Wake Me When It’s Funny’. What I got from the book was the ability to focus my career. It wasn’t one of these acting books that says, ‘So you Wanna Be an Actor’ and then gives you bullet points on how to do that.

It prompted me to consider what I was good at, matched my character to the best part of that field and I realized that writing was my passion. I did enjoy the acting I did, but I don’t love it enough to do it all day long so somehow Garry knew this about people. He could recognize where people belonged in the entertainment industry just based on what part of the baseball field they excelled in.

Garry’s career started as a result of being a sick child. While he is a stellar director and very good at it, writing is where he has invested the majority of his time. He practically lived in his bed and told me he has over 120 allergies which made raising him extraordinarily difficult. Daydreaming was the catalyst for him, but he learned to see the humor in everything. His book ‘Wake Me When It’s Funny’ was his way of saying humor was the only thing holding his interest. I think it’s great that he identified the part of his life that gave him the most joy. If you have seen any of his TV Shows like Happy Days or Laverne & Shirley, his sick childhood didn’t seem to hold him back from daydreaming his way into a solid career.

Daydreaming can be a hurdle. I’ve talked before about how daydreaming of girls and boys in school kills the learning process, but is there a way we can actualize our daydreaming?

Most of my daydreaming in my life has either been about relationships or material acquisitions. You may have met someone who lives thousands of miles away and you wish you could be with them so you look out the window as though longing for something will get you there. You may dream of having a big house and then your daydreaming takes you on a thought process where you are picking out linens and window coverings, but your bank balance is sitting in the hole. I have found this kind of daydreaming to be crippling. It’s not inspiring and it doesn’t go anywhere.

I think Garry knew that he had been dealt the sick card as a child and he could either just lie in a depressed state about it, or he could recognize that he thankfully wasn’t allergic to his pen and paper and he ran with that. Before looking at lofty almost unattainable goals, I think it’s more important to get in touch with our spirit like he did. He seemed to be forced to choose his career and sometimes life hands us some really crappy cards where we have to be forced to make decisions. I recognize that I am really a home body, so I have been setting myself up for years to work at home. Had I gone the acting route, I am sure that sitting on sets for 18-20 hours a day like I was doing would have become old and I would have longed for my hiking and my animals! At the time, acting seemed like a better choice. I am glad I read his book and I am glad that I re-routed myself at the time I did because writing, whether songs, blogs or creative writing gives me so much joy. I am thankful I wasn’t sick as a child like he was, but I am envious he found his career so early!

After realizing what I loved, what I felt good at and what matched my personality, I had to streamline my daydreaming. I have learned to daydream about the journey and the process now which is a bit tricky. If you want a house in the country, you can’t fantasize about how you would decorate it, you have to give some thought to how you would pay for it and assert your energy in that direction. Valuable time gets wasted imagining friends coming over on Saturday nights, backyard BBQs and what color your furnishings will be. There’s lots of time for those things when the goal is realized.

How can we put the same creative effort into our work? We all seem to know how to dream about the potential soul mate, but how about brainstorming some ways to get our career healthy instead? I believe that by refocusing our thoughts into things that can be tangible will assist us in arriving at our goals anyways. Then, when you are ready to make the move into that new relationship or home or whatever you can think about all that stuff then.

I believe there’s a time to think about everything…in its time. Creative thinking and brainstorming feels way better than fantasizing about things which if they don’t happen can throw us deeper into Depression.

I throw like a girl,

Karen :)

“Talking with a friend is nothing else but thinking aloud.” ~Joseph Addison

What if it all Means Something?

2010-12-11T16:56:00.001-08:00

That is the title of a Chantal Kreviazuk track I was listening to.

Remember around the time my Grandmother passed away, a whole slew of other sad things were going on around me? There’s an old saying that bad things happen in threes, but that has never applied to me. It happens in tens, twenties or dozens and dozens.

The good news is, the community is growing. When I was truly isolated, I had one problem; Depression. I’ll tell you what, though…that sucker equals about 500 problems, so it’s comparable.

I was thinking that even though I am hearing oh so many problems, I don’t feel the weight like my Depression. I think because I really owned that problem but it’s also debilitating so you can’t really function.

Mothers amaze me. I am watching quite a few people go through hospital encounters right now and all I can see is these amazing women in charge of the situations with great big wings on their backs. I bet if you were to ask them, their hearts would be breaking because they have so much love and compassion. Their hurts don’t debilitate them though. This is amazing to me. How on earth do we function when the very person we love is lying in a hospital bed? Why aren’t we crying in a corner somewhere in a catatonic state?

Maybe it’s not happening TO us, maybe we simply aren’t seeing the bigger job we are already doing. We seem to be doing the tasks, showing up when needed, offering up love and inspirational wisdom but do we really notice it is where we are supposed to be?

Some people are not good at being supportive and strong in tough times. I also think it’s too much to tell someone to ‘be strong’ when they are hurting. But from a bird’s eye view, I am seeing strength!

I see so many sad people, I see so many hurting people. Compassion for them like I’ve mentioned before shouldn’t be a burden, it should be igniting our hearts to help! Generally a person who is there to help doesn’t know it’s a job, it’s just instinctive, but make no mistake, that person is providing an invaluable service to the people who are hurting.

I’ve been looking at my own heart lately and evaluating my pain. My heart can bleed fairly easily for those who are going through something, but I feel like I have found this new chamber where I am seeing the beauty in really ugly scenarios. These Moms I have mentioned remind me of my own Mother who took on more than her share. How much it must pain parents to see their child or spouse lying in a hospital bed and yet, they are exactly where they are supposed to be. It’s this higher calling that they might not be aware of because like the adrenaline that kicks in which makes a person able to lift a car off of someone, these people aren’t always sure where their strength is coming from. They might even be shaking their fists into the sky asking, ‘Why Me?’ when the answer to me seems so obvious. ‘Because you are the best person to be in this place at this time and you are needed.’

I also tried a different viewpoint on this. What if you took the blood relation or marriage out of the equation. What if you found yourself at the bedside of a man you didn’t know or a child you didn’t give birth to. What if a big glowing light appeared in front of you and said, ‘This is your purpose, this is your higher calling, this is your job to simply go love this person.’ Could you do it? If all you were ever responsible for was to take care of that one person, would you be able to? I think the answer most people would give would be ‘yes’ because first of all, the big light having a voice might freak you out enough to do it and I think most people have the love (and are equipped) to pull it off.

Where things get complicated is when we already have a relationship with that person. When a child you gave birth to is experiencing kidney failure or when the man you are deeply in love with has heart complications, it’s not very easy to recognize that you might be in this situation for a greater purpose. What if the child was abandoned and had no one there to love them, could you step in? What if that man wasn’t your husband, could you be there for him? Can we zoom out far enough to look down and see how and why we are interwoven the way we are?

I’m not suggesting it’s a good idea to separate our relationship from the people, but I find it interesting to imagine different scenarios for the purpose of seeing our purpose. I think it’s completely awesome and humbling when we are thought of so highly, that we are entrusted with providing love for someone. It seems like we are chosen warriors in a film. I’m not suggesting the focus should be on our rewards, but rather I view it as a way to see the situation for what it really is, outside of our breaking hearts. We are all so needed! THAT is what is making me smile.

Depression isn’t a challenge for us to overcome, it’s a debilitating burden we need to fix. If we can get our spirits healthy, we too can experience the bigger joy in helping others and that is where we can truly overcome any challenges that come our way ,recognizing that we have a greater purpose in it all.

Wondering why every warrior film has to have a full choir backing it,

Karen :)

“Be larger than your task.” ~Orison Swett Marden
He also said, “Our trials, our sorrows, and our grieves develop us.”

Did Someone Rip Your Head Off?

2010-12-10T20:58:00.000-08:00

"Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something." - ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Today, I took the brunt of someone’s frustration with someone else in their life. It’s a classic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Luckily, I understand it’s not me, so I don’t have to internalize it and feel bad.

This happens in relationships where we are someone’s punching bag. If the H. Jackson Brown Jr quote is true that everyone is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something, then it would stand to reason we all have the capability of running into someone at the exact moment they are experiencing something scary.

It reminds me of a time I was at the Airport and someone freaked out quickly and said, ‘My contact lens! Everybody stop!’ Well, there must have been many sympathetic people who have lost their lenses before because they obeyed the guy immediately. Everyone froze as though they were turned to stone by a wicked witch. They had the respect to sympathize because they had been through it. Most people instinctively crouched instead of walked and started to scour the floor. Someone finally pointed and said there it is and the person who lost it, picked it up and walked over and gave a very grateful handshake with a big smile and said thank you. Their thank you was followed up by an apology to everyone for snapping their heads off at the moment they realized they lost it.

This is a case of cutting each other some slack because the people who also wear contact lenses could relate to the loss the man was feeling.

People who have fully experienced fear and loss seem to be the best at giving hugs. They have the ability to diagnose the problem almost without asking and I think they put themselves in the shoes of the truly sad. They can put themselves there easily because they have either been there or are going through the same thing at the same time.

It’s one thing to comfort sadness, but I believe it’s a completely different skill to comfort anger. It’s so easy to think it’s directed to us especially if they are within inches of our face. Now I have always said that we don’t have to be anyone’s punching bag, but in the same token, if it truly isn’t towards us, if we are just witnessing frustration, the best thing we can do is crouch down and help look for the lens. The people at the airport were interested in a solution first. Then they all smiled and giggled at the hot-headed man because I think they may have done the same thing; that is what it means to cut each other some slack.

The brunt of frustration that I received wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. I tried to focus on coming to a quick sympathetic solution and then it calmed down fairly quickly. I received an apology and we laughed about it. I cut the slack because I recognized that I had done the same thing to someone who didn’t deserve it. It’s another form of paying-it-forward. Had it escalated to the point where it passed into abusive language, that would be a different story. This was a fairly easy fix when rational dialog was applied. I just received it at the exact time of day they were feeling especially hot-headed. No big deal, people are passionate.

December can be a different type of stress for people too. The holiday season is supposed to be cheerful, but truthfully, it’s a time when people really beat themselves up for not having the money for gifts. If you are starting off with new kids in the family, my humble suggestion is to set a standard of one or two gifts in the event that in future years you don’t have the money. I think too many people have gone overboard in the past, so the expectation is to one-up the last year or at least match it. But, kids are more resilient than we think. If we explain that money is tight and that it’s just a situation that has nothing to do with our love for them, most kids (if we give them the credit) are pretty understanding. Taking them to see less fortunate people can also put it in perspective. There are things in this life that truly deserve our attention and our frustration over the small things.

It’s good to know that we aren’t alone in our fear, frustration, anger and loss. There is a good chance someone you meet today will be feeling it. The best thing we can do is show some tolerance, cut some slack and offer a hug or solution.

I am so impressed with how many people in my life have offered to be a listener. That is more valuable to most people. Coming to a solution is much easier than trying to get rid of fear and the feeling of loss.

Glad I don’t wear contact lenses, they sound like they cost a hundred thousand dollars each,

Karen :)

One of my very favorite quotes;

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~Plato

Can You Finally Just Ditch It?

2010-12-09T20:11:00.000-08:00

In my cleaning lately (with intent on moving at some point) I have run across several memories of yesteryears. These are things that I have simply had to look at and say, “Do I use this, yes or no?” and that is about the extent of the deciding factor in whether or not I keep it. That is the simplified version of cleaning things out.

I’ve moved many times in my life and have gone through many hellish moments where I sat cross-legged on the floor, on the couch, on my bed and stared at some old memory which didn’t make me feel good. It could have been a letter, a picture, a gift or dried-up flower.

I’ve done this with emails too and I noticed a comment from a friend who said he was going through his email account and finally ditching the emails from his ex-wife when they were first getting to know each other. I think we all have a huge history of things like that. The idea of keeping them is great if you stay together forever. You’d hate to ditch them in the event that you got back together so there you are tethered to something where you aren’t holding on and you aren’t letting go. I have cleaned house on many accounts like that over the years where I asked myself why I was keeping them and what purpose it served.

Some people have the miraculous gift of being able to catalog all memories like chapters of a book where they can look back at past relationships and openly view them as chapters which have contributed to who we are. But the problem is when our emotions sit in a state of limbo much like what I suspect happened with these emails he is ditching. I think he maybe asked himself if it was time to get rid of them now or maybe it hurt him too much to see them, so he is ditching them to start fresh.

I think the mind obviously has to be in sync with the action, but sometimes a simple action like ditching the reminder can assist us in our healing. Maybe he is making room for new possibilities which would be an exciting angle to take! I would hope though that by cleaning it out, he has decided that they simply serve no purpose in contributing something positive to his spirit. That is my reason for ditching things like that.

Pictures might be the most painful (or maybe a wedding video would be worse) but the photos might be the most common thing. The paper they are printed on seems like something you shouldn’t throw out and for the most part they are stored in corners of our house that when we look at them simply remind us of how crappy of a house-keeper we are. Lol And who wants THAT reminder, right?

Again, my biggest assessment in ditching things is “Do I use this, yes or no?” but that could morph easily into, ‘Is this person part of my life, yes or no?’ and if the answer is no, what does keeping a photo or letter assist in accomplishing? The better question might be, ‘Is this person a healthy part of my life?’ I don’t throw away items from my Mother who died because she was an inspiring and loving part of my life and very involved in developing my character.

I feel it is extraordinarily painful to see the reminders of things we consider a failure but I think the more painful thing lying in the heart of the matter is our broken heart. I think we should do whatever we need to in order to get it healed so that we can look forward with bright eyes and live the life we were meant to. If that means photos and letters go in the garbage, so be it. They are material things that can be heavy weights on our hearts and those items are NOT the person anyways. If you have made a choice to not be with or around the individual, keeping the remnants can be poisonous and send our unhealthy spirits into a whirlwind of self-destruction.

My thought is that if you were to ever meet up with the person again, you could start fresh and create new memories anyways. It’s detrimental to a reunion to bring old skeletons along for the ride anyways.

My skeletons are only allowed to come along if they pick up an instrument. ;)

Finally ditched my 5 year old Tortilla chip with the smiley face on it,

Karen :)

“Too many people have been analyzing their pasts, their childhoods, their memories, their parents, and realizing that it doesn't do anything-or that it doesn't do enough.”
~James Hillman

What Are You Getting From the Internet?

2010-12-08T20:02:00.000-08:00

“I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection.” ~Leonardo da Vinci

If you look at the quote long enough, you might think it’s a bit creepy. Who would smile in trouble? I think it’s like a comedian laughing in the face of adversity. People like Bill Cosby have been making us laugh about our struggles for many years.

The gathering of ‘strength from distress part’ is something that I never understood until I actually did that. It’s like when you have the extra adrenaline kick in at the end when you think you have nothing left.

‘Growing brave by reflection’ is multi-faceted to me. Do you remember the picture online of the kitty who looks in the mirror and sees a lion looking back at him? Or how about on SNL when Stuart Smalley says, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me?”

Reflection to me also is the deep root of philosophy and why I love to dissect everything and rip stuff apart. I do this when I am working on music as well. Someone will send me tracks and I will have to solo parts to see what needs the attention. I feel like reflection is a bit different than stewing. I view reflection as a cool place we arrive at where we can look at ourselves, our situation and past things that have happened and grow brave from it all instead of it making us fearful. How many times have you looked back through a photo album and saw people from your past and past relationships? It can make you smile, cry or feel completely awful. Regret and sadness can make us feel worthless or even long for things the way they used to be.

It was Teresa Clayton who had asked me about the topic of love and friendship within the internet community. Teresa is awesome at showing love and friendship and I think of her often when I think about online friendship. I was thinking this morning about how an online community has become more of a friend for many people than real people.

We seem to be in a cool new phase of friendship on the net. For a while, there I was hearing everyone becoming fearful of people not interacting with each other in real life…but I am feeling that shift now.
The good part of having these online friendships is people feel much safer (I don’t mean about online stalking etc) but safer opening up to each other. The thing about consolidated words in email, comments or even video is people feel like they have a bit of time to digest what they are hearing and prepare something they want to say. The communication seems better overall, but I think the best thing that happens which can really cultivate an online friendship is safety in being honest. When you have to live with the consequence of someone at home, you have to react quickly and you might be so cluttered by the things that are going on, your communication becomes messy and you say things that you either don’t mean or you were pressured by time to say. Again though, I don’t think people feel like what they say to someone online holds the same consequence. Keep in mind, this is in friendship…people have no problem offending in other corners of the net, but I don’t go there. J

Of course there are hiccups in online communities but I think there could be more hiccups if all these people got in the room with each other. It would be awesome to meet some of our online friends, but most people feel like the friends they have picked online are a good escape and you can go to them when you want. It feels more like what friendship SHOULD be.

It is however indicative of how cluttered we must feel at home. Not all of us, of course. Many people have a good home life too. I do have some concerns that people are looking for love online when they don’t feel it at home. But you know what? Why shouldn’t they? I don’t mean this romantically, that’s a whole different topic. Why shouldn’t we have these awesome friendships online where we can see others smile in their trouble, who gather strength from the things that make them distressed and witness other people growing brave by reflection instead of fear or regret. We can find great leaders, great examples of love and friendship and many overcomers!

I believe the key though is to use the good parts of online community for our growth and to help others. When we find ourselves in high-tension arenas fighting over things that don’t matter, it becomes counter-productive. I hear many people who feel guilty about the time they spend online and we shouldn’t feel guilty about that if it’s nurturing us or we can nurture someone else. It’s only when we leave the computer feeling worse than when we sat down.

We are living in times where our technology can help us help each other IF that is our goal. Every time I sit in front of my computer, I am extremely mindful of how my time is spent. I don’t go to gossip or rant sites and I don’t engage in unhealthy conversation. If I get up and walk away feeling like I just killed time, It’s not good for me. There is nothing wrong with using it as entertainment (God knows I have watched my share of animal videos on it) but for the most part, I view the internet as a means to reach people and to feel a sense of love and compassion from people who want the same thing.

Something Teresa wrote on my page, “Amazing how a community can come together at the drop of a dime, forget their own drama and focus on sending healing love to each other.” I think the reason for this is because we place value on our friendships and therefore we protect them. For many of us, our online community is the one thing that is going well in our life. It’s like our last chocolate brownie. You will kill to defend it or you will die trying. ;)

I am constantly evaluating my online time so that it is always moving things forward positively. The internet has become a way of life and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing so long as we don’t feel depleted when we walk away. The better question should be, ‘What is the Internet Getting From Me?

Resisting the urge to type ‘cute puppies running around’ in the youtube search window,

Karen :)

“Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it.” ~Leonardo da Vinci

Do You Have Trust Issues?

2010-12-07T17:40:00.000-08:00

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

‘But I’ve been burned!’ That is the statement I hear echoing through the chambers of the net when I say that. It reminds me of when W.C Fields said, “You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.” As funny as that quote is, that is how jaded we have become.

I do think William Shakespeare had a good balance when he said, “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” It seems about right.

I’m letting everyone know that STEVER CDs are available on the ‘pay when you can’ program. I have had people say, “How can you trust anyone to actually pay you?” My response is, “I like to be trusted, so I extend trust.” But I always follow up by saying, “If this was a piece of studio equipment I was selling on Ebay for $2000, I would get the money upfront. But this is 15 bucks.”

This seems to be how we work through life. If you take your car into the mechanic and he is changing the belt, you just trust him to use the belt he thinks will work. If the car needs significant work, you may opt to take it in for a second opinion or to someone you already trust. There are certain people in our world who we say we ‘trust with our life’ and other people who we ‘can’t trust as far as we could throw them’.

I think what has happened to people is we forget to extend trust to the smaller things. If you are going to meet someone for coffee, you just trust they will show up at the donut shop. You don’t get all hyper-sensitive and not make the meeting because you have trust issues that they won’t show up.

Unfortunately, some things in life require bigger trust in order to take a bigger step forward. For many of us, we know this as risk. If you’ve been in bad relationships, you may be too shy to try another one. You opt to live by yourself instead of trying again because the last half a dozen people broke your heart and your trust.

I think it’s important to handle people like that with care. I was thinking about the kitties I mentioned in yesterday’s blog who need a home. I was thinking about how when they do go to a new place, their instinct will be to trust nobody for a while. I’ve always said with cats, you have to let them come out from under the bed when they are ready to. A cat could stay under a bed in a new place for weeks before integrating themselves into the new place. Dogs sometimes will place too much trust too soon in people which makes them an easy target for abuse. I notice the alley cats that live here won’t let anyone come near them, but finally after watching them for many years, the lady next door pet one recently. She was patient and had the time to dedicate to winning their trust.

The whole thing I have learned about trust is that not everyone is a bad guy. I have had enough garbage happen to me that I could probably be warranted in saying I wasn’t going to trust anyone ever again. But I don’t want to live this way. It’s crippling to me and unfair to others around me. I think it’s good to be aware and listen to our instinct so we can protect ourselves, I just believe we should do it reasonably and with proper assessment and good judgment.

I like the idea of trusting people because the risk to reward ratio has turned out pretty good. I shouldn’t let the one bad apple spoil the bag.

I figure that I am a good person worthy of trust so I imagine I am not the only person out there who feels that way. There seems to be many people who live with a certain amount of integrity and hold true to their word. By extending some trust and taking a bit of risk, I am getting to know these lovely souls who I wouldn’t want to lose from my life.

I feel like I understand the balance of human nature a bit better to know now that when there is someone who breaks it, I can come to a quicker understanding that not everyone is like that. It’s a good reminder to not generalize anyone and stick them in a group.

Thinking that we grow so we can’t hide under the bed anymore…
Karen :)

“Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Are Your Emotions Making You Inactive?

2010-12-06T18:37:00.000-08:00

You may have remember me mentioning how our friend Anja who owns the Border Collie named Panda got involved in the rescue of two other Collies. She along with many other people saved the dogs from being euthanized pretty much on the day they were set to be destroyed.

Anja shared with me how hard it was on her being a Border Collie owner herself. It’s so easy for our emotions to take over.

One of my friends on FB, Missy is the owner of two cats; Ape & Monkey who need homes by the end of this month. I know these kitties because I sent them a CD before. It’s funny how I mentioned Panda the Border Collie having a photo with a signed CD. Lol

These gorgeous kitty sisters live in Ohio. Their names are Ape & Monkey. Ape looks a lot like my Filthy cat but looks a lot like Teresa Clayton’s cat named Romeo! So, needless to say, I can get emotionally wrapped up in the welfare of any of these pets I have come to know.

Missy told me that Ape and Monkey are good girls who need a home due to losing theirs. This is a reality in America especially where people are overwhelmed at losing their own homes and so unfortunately the sad reality is that when you are trying to survive yourself, and you are losing everything, pets have to go to new homes. It’s extremely gut-wrenching for all of us who have a heavy heart for people and animals.

Having a heavy and compassionate heart has been a burden for me and it is for most sympathetic people. The problem is that while our emotions are indicative of our level of compassion, they can be both a burden and a hurdle.

Over the years my emotions have caused me to lose sleep. Most people don’t lie in bed and think of solutions for their problems, we tend to stew over them. It’s extraordinarily sad to think someone is losing their home and that animals need homes, but I have found my own emotions have stood in my way.

I have learned to like the quote, ‘Action is the antidote to despair.’ When our minds wander in hundreds of directions, we feel both overwhelmed by emotion and tired because of it. Then we render ourselves completely useless in finding a solution. When I feel my mind wander too much, I go back to my list and the task that is in front of me. I have managed to make my sleep sacred over the years now because I make a list, a game-plan and leave my list away from my bedroom. If I am faced with dilemmas, I look for viable solutions now rather than allowing my shaky emotions to make decisions.

Compassion is not a bad thing. I am very unwilling to give it up. It can initiate a lot of good and cause people to move towards action. Overwhelming sadness however doesn’t really accomplish anything except for debilitating us.

Many people are going through this because of lost jobs, lost homes, lost pets and many other things they have to surrender. We can throw ourselves into a tail-spin when ranting about who did it to us, or we can take matters into our own hands and figure out the solution to the problem. I believe we can’t wait for someone to knock on our door and offer a job, money or homes for our pets. I am not suggesting people aren’t doing enough, I am only saying that sadness while very real, doesn’t really pay the bills. Of course these are very sad things I am talking about here. If you feel compassion or sadness, bless your heart! You are alive! But those emotions should only be the key in the ignition. They don’t provide the gas and money for car repairs.

I am personally learning to be more decisive now and more pro-active. The two things I don’t allow to drive my car is angry outbursts and tears. I can get those emotions out quickly if needed, but they don’t hold the power to make real change happen.

I have compassion for people indeed, but I have a very soft spot for children and animals. Hearing any of these stories can rip my heart out if I allow them to. Now, I just resolve to do what I can and I don’t own anyone’s problems. However, I don’t get too angry with pet owners because for one, that anger does nothing and two; it might not be their fault that things got so out-of-control.

I also find omitting the emotion makes room for action and makes helping someone pretty easy. I can be more helpful to more people if I detach the emotion a bit and insert action. I never realized how many years I wasted from simply being too sad about everything. Now I don’t find being helpful as much of a burden.

Funny how I am seeing Filthy’s spirit everywhere, wonder if he’s the guy behind the curtain,

Karen :)

“The individual is capable of both great compassion and great indifference. He has it within his means to nourish the former and outgrow the latter.” ~Norman Cousins

How Do You Feel About Getting Older?

2010-12-05T19:50:00.000-08:00

Well, my response is, “I’m only 8! I don’t think about that!” ;)

With the exception of making big plans for my 9th birthday, I barely look ahead. This is something that I always see people talking about though, so every once in a while I bring it up.

There seems to be three types of people;

The ones who want to grow old gracefully
The ones who try to fight it every step of the way
and the ones who don’t even notice

If you were to ask people straight out, ‘How do you feel about getting older?’ nobody seems to want to admit they hate the idea. But what they do say pretty much translates into that.

For the record, I don’t ask this too often because who cares, really and what, do you really think some skin product ad is going to stop your next birthday from coming?…but I think it can prompt us to take a look at some deeper issues.

Middle age is perhaps more of a hurdle than old age. I guess people want to be new wine or fine wine, but nobody seems to like the process of making wine which happens in between.

If you have ever had someone walk in the room when you are renovating, you feel the need to explain that it’s going to get better. Some kind of paranoia kicks in where you think they will react to your exposed drywall in way that makes them shake their head and leave. The same paranoia happens with middle age. We don’t want friends to see us with no make-up because they will never believe we are good for anything at this point. That is the mindset, but I hate it. It was Barbara Hershey who said, “I’m not afraid of aging but more afraid of people’s reaction to my aging.” Sad, right?

Surgery and make-up and all the things we do are to ensure people think we are still young. We hope to somehow jump about 40 years into full maturity without anyone noticing. People seem to love the lines in the faces of old people but they better be good and deep with lots of character like the old woman in Titanic. If you don’t look all majestic and wise like her, you better go have your skin tucked into your scalp an inch to fool everyone into thinking you are perpetually 20.

Like the process of wine-making, everyone wants to be there when you build your cellar and when taste-testing happens.

For many people Middle Age threatens the relationship. It wouldn’t take the hottest man in people magazine to steal one’s wife, it might just take a man with 10 pounds less around the middle. If you are 45, a woman who is 35 could pose a threat to your marriage. The deeper people go into middle age, the more paranoid they can get.

Then there are the people who just feel like their relationship is lackluster because they themselves are aging. You may have no plans to leave your partner, but you sure are bored. For many people, they just don’t feel healthy enough, energetic enough or have been so brow-beaten; they aren’t able to find the excitement of their youth.

I think it’s vitally important to remember that life offers different chapters at different stages. My concern is that we are again distracted by our past that we don’t see our present day. A 45 year old person doesn’t have to do 20 year old things to feel alive. In fact, most people that age will tell you they have no interest in going out on the town. I don’t believe the goal when you are 45 is to stay as young as possible or even stay young in the mind…but at 45 years old, you should be experiencing whatever is going on with you at that time. You’ll hear people say, ‘Age is just a number’ with the intent on ignoring it. I have managed to ignore numbers in life as I have mentioned before. Your number represents your experience! Your experience means you have a certain amount of right to speak with some authority!

You can inspire others or you can make others scared of aging. That is the choice we have. The problem is that we believe the way to inspire others is to ‘do young things’ so they’ll say, “Gosh she’s so fit for 45!” I don’t believe that is the way to inspire. A good way to inspire people is to wear a smile. You can inspire by being super-loving, non-judgmental and compassionate. You can inspire by being a friend and a good family member. You can inspire by being genuine and thoughtful. You can inspire by being confident with who you are no matter the number attached to it.

I personally don’t think a lot about getting older, but I am digging my mellow state. When I work on music or art, it’s not mellow. That’s not my young spirit either, it’s my inner child yes, but I only make that reference because I liken it to childhood discovery, not age. I’m not going to put sparkles and stars and Hello Kitty pics all over my page to make me feel younger, I have no interest in getting younger. I have a GREAT interest though, in DISCOVERY. To me, the more I age, the more focused on discovering I am becoming. This is super fun to me!

Truthfully, I don’t even drink wine. It seems like you have to sit still for that. ;)

Loving today, whatever day it is…sometime in December, sometime in the early 2000s,
Karen :)

“I have wandered all my life, and I have also traveled; the difference between the two being this, that we wander for distraction, but we travel for fulfillment.” ~Hilaire Belloc

What’s Wrong With Me?

2010-12-04T19:50:00.000-08:00

“What if you are in love with someone who’s not in love with you?”

I saw this question pop up after I had put up the ‘Do You Love Someone but You Don’t Like Them?’ video.

Well, I am sure the most consolidated answer from everyone will be, “Move on! Let it Go!” It would seem like the answer is that you can’t make someone love you who doesn’t, but even if you could, why would you want that anyways? The next step would be to tie them up like the movie Misery and hope they become your biggest fan. Unrequited love doesn’t seem like fun at all.

Love is more than a crush, it’s about letting go of control. The most love we can show to someone else is to let them choose because I believe like I’ve said before, the greatest gift we have been given is ‘choice’. You know the whole, “if you love something set it free…if it comes back to you, it’s yours, if it doesn’t it never was?” (later changed to hunt it down and kill it) Well, I believe if you love someone, just love them…without expectations. They are not something we own. Getting rid of the notion that a relationship is about ownership is probably a good start.

This question seems a lot like wishful thinking, but the sadder part is I believe it could be something more potentially damaging.

I think the follow-up question could be, ‘Why Don’t You Love Me?’ because a person can feel like they didn’t do enough to have the reciprocated love or they are not enough for them. Consequently, we feel like the world’s biggest screw-up when we feel like we are not good enough for their love. This can turn into, ‘What’s Wrong With Me?’ which is the scariest part of the scenario and that is what concerns me.

On our website thepublicrecord.com there is a band who are auditioning for the part for a girl in their music video. They thought instead of using Hollywood Casting Agents, they would reach out directly and ask girls to submit videos. When they pick the girl, many of the other girls are going to feel this way. They will lie in bed and wonder what is wrong with them. Casting happens all day long. For any TV Show, film or video, agents usually find the right people for the part. I have worked in casting and you may have remembered me saying it’s not about how good or pretty someone is, it’s all about if it’s a good fit for the overall project.

Some people feel like relationships work this way too. We feel like we are auditioning for the partner and they can make us do all sorts of tricks to see if we get the part. If we don’t get the part in the relationship, we wonder why they don’t love us, what is wrong with us and can be hurled into Depression because of it. Our Depression isn’t simply longing for them, but also feeling really bad about how worthless we are.

The auditioning analogy shouldn’t be a part of relationships, but even if it was, it would hold the same true premise. The two of you together just isn’t a good fit. If the rest of us zoomed in on it, we’d clearly see that if the love was not equally reciprocated, then it’s a doomed relationship. For the person sitting there feeling rejection, it’s not as easy.

I personally don’t want any relationship where the person doesn’t want to be with me. I am not going to do a bunch of tricks to ‘trick’ them into loving me. I believe we are better than that!

Outside of all of this, I feel like we’ve become way too focused on romantic relationships anyways. What if we have a bigger job and the diversion of another person is distracting us? How can we ever know what lies ahead when we are stuck in the past? If someone doesn’t love us, they don’t love us. It shouldn’t feel like rejection, it shouldn’t be that we have to adjust who we are to make them love us. It’s no wonder plastic surgery is at an all-time high!

Of course, I have to ask; what kind of person are you interested in if you are willing to go through hell in changing yourself? If they are truly worth fighting for, I think there shouldn’t be such a fight. It should come pretty seamlessly and quite naturally. That’s the awesome kind of love; given freely, given unconditionally.

So yeah, MOVE ON my friend! Your exciting life is waiting for you!

Wondering where I would find the time to obsess over someone in my day,

Karen :)

“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”
~Charles M Schultz

Quit Trying to Fix Me!

2010-12-03T21:16:00.000-08:00

“Not all who wander are lost.”~J.R.R. Tolkien

Well, there’s a guy who clearly had the imagination to wander happily through life. Are you a Happy Wanderer?

We talk a lot about either being exuberantly joyful cart-wheeling through this world or we feel very isolated and lost (insert a whole bunch of people saying, “uh, who’s joyful?”) but what about the happy wanderers in between?

I saw a simple status update on someone’s page today that said, “Quit trying to fix me!” Well, I’m not sure who it was directed towards, but I think the statement was exasperated whatever the scenario.

I think a statement like that can either mean they don’t need fixing or they don’t want fixing. But I couldn’t help but wonder what sparked it.

Why would a person need to express that so colorfully? I could’ve asked point-blank but instead I would rather think about it. Well, anything I say will obviously be a speculation and my sleuth-y tendency is just going to investigate anyways. ;)

I tried to look back on times I felt this way. There were a few times that encompassed my feelings. One was where I was actually broken and the other was where they were. Either way, my view on it is that nobody should try to fix anyone. It’s an obscene form of control.

The thing is, she didn’t say, “Quit trying to control me” she said “fix me”. I guess the person opposite her has come up with solutions. She didn’t say “Quit trying to fix my problems” she said “fix me”. I had people hand me therapist phone numbers and recommended meds. I had people try to set me up with job interviews and hand me the classifieds. If you don’t ask for help like that, it’s immediately insulting to be told to go do something. If you are in a loving relationship or friendship, recommendations can come off as helpful but a loving person won’t try to inflict control on you, they will make you feel loved and address the solutions in a loving way.

Clearly, this girl was not feeling loved. She felt controlled. I don’t think her actions were being restricted rather I feel like her character was taking a personal insult.

Now I do not condone anyone trying to fix someone else, I think it’s wrong and controlling, but what I did do was did a healthy assessment of what was going on with me to determine if I actually did require fixing (I just secretly didn’t let them know it) If someone is feeling strongly that something about me is interfering with their world, it’s my responsibility to assess if I actually am without taking too much time and do my part. If I am verbally abusive towards someone and they are trying to fix me, I would deserve that but only if it was infringing on their life. Even then, trying to fix me is not the proper route to take anyways.

I have been trying diligently to always assess my part of the blame. It’s easy to become fixed on them trying to control me and it takes my eye off the ball which is working on my own character.

I am sincerely hoping this girl is able to get refocused on what truly matters. So what if someone is trying to fix you? Why do you give it so much attention? They didn’t succeed in making us ‘all better now’ but they certainly did distract us from the journey we are allowed to go on and quite frankly, that we need to go on FOR our healing. I believe it goes back to letting someone inside your head too much. It’s once again, as I have mentioned, incredibly damaging to our spirit.

It is a good reminder for any of us who are exhausted by the behavior of those around us. Sometimes people have to wander around in the muck to figure it out. We have to be cautious if it interferes with our own well-being but for the most part, people have the right to screw up and learn from it.

I figure I had to suffer through all my crap, why shouldn’t everyone else. LOL

Seriously though, control is so damaging that it actually takes away the goal of control to begin with. You start off trying to change or fix someone and then it turns into them hating you more. That sucks.

The only thing I hope to fix is a guitar case so the acoustic fits better.

Covering the floor in snowy bits of Styrofoam to remind me of home,

Karen J

“Deficiency motivation doesn't work. It will lead to a life-long pursuit of try to fix me. Learn to appreciate what you have and where and who you are.” ~Wayne Dyer

Do You Love Someone but You Don’t Like Them?

2010-12-02T21:34:00.000-08:00

“Do you believe that it is possible to love someone, and not like them?”

A friend on FB asked me this yesterday while going through some drama with her sister who lives with her. She drinks and is verbally abusive towards her so she ends up locking herself away in seclusion to be away from her.

I’ve definitely thought about this question in the past when I was dealing with drunk people I knew. I would have a pretty clear understanding like our friend does that when someone drinks and gets abusive, it’s not necessarily indicative of their personality, but I always call alcohol ‘truth serum’. You at least get a more colorful version of their truth.

She wasn’t asking me if she should stay there or leave as she has a pretty good idea it’s not functional, rather she asked a direct question about what I thought.

I guess technically you can like someone and not love them, but I don’t know that it’s possible to love someone and not like them. It’s really a debatable question indeed. I do know where she’s coming from, though.

I think there is true love and then there is loving someone out of duty. This happens a lot with family. We don’t get to pick our family. We are called to love everyone and I think it’s a worthy goal, but I think it’s maybe better to face the reality that just because someone is our family, doesn’t mean we feel love towards them. For me, whenever I had to deal with family in a parallel situation, I would always think, ‘Gawd, I hate having to be in the middle of this’ and whenever I would see them, I’d get sick to my stomach. The hardest part for me was trying to maintain love for someone who was going through alcoholism or drugs.

Now, what I suspect (and I could be way off base) is that our friend is feeling guilty for not liking her sister very much when she feels called to love her. I don’t believe this is her fault, like I said we don’t get to pick our family. I had to ditch the family element altogether from my mind when dealing with the problems because society has made this a huge guilt trip on us. “That’s your BLOOD; BLOOD stays together.” I find the statement troubling and controlling. I used to think this way and I still find myself thinking this way. My recent truth is that my siblings and other family members are actually not my problem. Sure, I love them, but they are adults who get to make adult decisions. Siblings tend to see each other as children forever. It takes decades sometimes for them to recognize each other as adults!

More than that, it takes us too long to recognize siblings as other human beings. Until I could ditch the word ‘family’ when trying to assess my own situations and look at the situation for what it was, I couldn’t get a grip on it. I felt very tied down to ‘family duty’. I hated that I was supposed to like people who I didn’t. I hate that I had to hang out with family who I had absolutely nothing in common with. I see no problem being civil or showing decency and love to those around us, but nobody should feel guilty about not wanting to be around someone who is clearly damaging to their spirit.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a clear answer or concrete opinion on the question she asked, but funny enough; I know exactly what she means by it. You can look at your sibling and love them because you are supposed to and just not like them very much. I suspect though, the sense of duty is what is keeping us in unhealthy situations. I also suspect we might still see glimmers of hope and subtle reminders of who they used to be without the alcohol or drugs. That’s the part that makes us hurt. They also might have ‘good’ days.

I am a hopeful spirit. I like to believe everyone will find their inner child again and return the person they are supposed to be, but I certainly don’t make it my responsibility anymore. I don’t have to face any guilt when it comes to family. They are adults who make their decisions and I can recognize codependence when I see it. I think we have to continue to guard our spirits and be conscious of what is potentially damaging, so we want to make sure we don’t become like them by being abusive back, but in the same token, there are many ways to love someone and intervention IS a form of love. We are just programmed to believe that the best way to love someone unconditionally is to be their soundboard and punching bag.

I remember the song ‘Cruel to be kind” coming on the radio and I asked my Mom what that meant. She said, “When I take you to the Dentist and he has to drill into your teeth, that means I love you.” I remember getting it right away.

Sometimes we have to make very tough calls about all our relationships that feel cruel, but they are a form of love. I don’t envy our friend for having to make those tough decisions.

Wondering if Billy Idol is still on my Orthodontist’s ceiling,

Karen :)

“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.”
~P.J. O’Rourke

Are you Too Invested at This Point?

2010-12-01T19:32:00.000-08:00

“Some people are so invested in their fear and hatred that peace is the most threatening thing they can imagine.” ~a quote from the show 24

I was watching 24 on my laptop while going to sleep last night and that quote jumped out at me. The part where the lady says, “invested in their fear and hatred” is especially striking to me.

The word investment is usually attributed to money. Anyone who has ever had a stock go bad can testify to how painful that is. It’s very damaging when you have to stare at the clicker all day. People who stare too long at it don’t realize they are investing time which to me is far more valuable. I believe this is where the flaw is; thinking the invested money is more valuable than the invested time.

It’s the same as when we place money on a horse to win but if we aren’t betting the farm, the sting shouldn’t be so painful when they lose.

Pride is a huge issue when a person loses. Nobody wants to be embarrassed that they made the wrong choice. If you confidently lip off to your family that you believe something, you don’t ever want to say you changed your mind or the side you are betting on. Just like a football fan has to cheer for a new team in secrecy among his friends, so does a husband have to lie to his in-laws about his marriage failing.
If you have invested a lot of time and money on a team or relationship, you are going to feel like a fool the minute you have to entertain that it failed.

We seldom bring up the opposite part; the positive swing. How did we get to be so threatened by something which is truly better for us? Is it that we hate being wrong, or are we so invested in a political party, religion or relationship that we can’t see when something good wants to heal us?

“invested in their fear and hatred” is very striking to me because we never really think about it like that. As soon as she said it, my mind flashed back to everything I ever thought was true where someone or something enlightened me. Enlightenment gets thrown around a lot, but if you look at it carefully, the word, ‘light’ is in there. Now of course, it could also mean ‘clarification’ or even ‘explanation’ but I love when enlightenment actually makes me feel ‘lighter’ and more at peace.

I don’t worry about what is right or wrong as much. I don’t bathe in being right or ‘standing up for what is right’, I tend to do the defense of a third party thing like when someone has been hurt or something, but my interest is in finding peace rather than winning the fight just because I am invested in being right.
There are actually no prizes (or ones I am remotely interested in) for being right. But I am extremely interested in peaceful dialog. I could sit and listen to people who I think are completely wrong all day long if they are peaceful.

Peaceful people tend to not act that way though. Most people I have met who are truly at peace have no interest in being right or making anyone else right. This is what I trying to accomplish. Sure, I have invested a lot of time in the past on stating my case and my cause, but I am willing to lose the investment altogether to trade it in for peace. It’s a scary proposition though because it calls for change. We are also invested in our own day-to-day habits and rituals.

I believe this is why angry people get angrier when their partner or friend has no interest in fighting with them. If their goal is to be right, the last thing they will want is to talk to a brick wall. They will enjoy getting in the face of the opponent and beat them into submission. So yes, peace is threatening to the cause.

My question is, how can we make peace cool again; not in a John Lennon kind of way, but just simply in our homes? How can we can we begin to view peace as the healer instead of being so afraid of it. If you are a parent who has had to pry your two kids apart and made them say sorry, you’ll realize how peace isn’t the first option even for children who disagree. It’s something we have to strive for, it doesn’t come naturally especially for very passionate people with engaging personalities.

I think the answer is; give up the previous investment; let it go. Fear and hate will go flat eventually.

I also believe the shake-up can be viewed as exciting! Having peace in our homes can make room for all sorts of fun activities!

Crazy-carpeting into the swamp,

Karen :)

“I have too much money invested in sweaters.” ~Bob Hope

Are You Angry with Them or with You?

2010-11-30T22:30:00.000-08:00

It’s pretty natural to react to something someone did to us. I think it’s part of our instinct to protect ourselves. Cats who are cornered come out with claws for protection but I think the flaw in that comparison is we will bring out our claws to protect ourselves emotionally.

When my stray cat named Filthy used to come around, I would spot him in a nasty showdown with the neighboring ferals and they’d be downright vicious. What I couldn’t get over is how quickly they seem to emotionally recover from it. He’d walk inside when I’d call him as though nothing would happen, rubbing up against my leg and purring. It wasn’t celebratory either, I never saw him win a fight. He just seemed to be able to flip the switch and go back to life. We on the other hand, have no clue how to do that. We carry the emotional burden from every fight we get in to not only the next fight but every other aspect of our life.

I guess I wouldn’t necessary trade being an emotional creature for having none, but I think why we bond with cats and dogs over other humans sometimes if because they are emotional, but seem to have a good grip on their emotions. They too can have behavior problems (dogs especially) if they carry their baggage, but their baggage seems more reasonable than ours in that it’s appropriately warranted.

I do think our sadness and anger is warranted and there for a reason, I just don’t think it’s very helpful. As humans, we have the ability to control our emotions in exchange for peace of mind. It’s one of the greatest human qualities; CHOICE. We can choose how we deal with things. It’s what separates us.

I think that can be both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, we get to choose which to me is the highest form of love we have been shown. We aren’t programmed robots. Our DNA and fingerprints are our own. I love that gift!
But sometimes I wish we could be more instinctual like our furry best friends. It would save more pain. Isn’t it bizarre that when we get in pain, we go for an emotion that will both lessen our pain and make it more severe? It’s the craziest thing ever! If I am sad, I will turn it into anger which dulls the sadness, or so it seems. Anger is our protection against other pain but we forget it is its own pain and the bitterness that stems from it is actually worse. Now I don’t know what is harder on our bodies; sadness or anger but I feel there is at least a quicker line drawn between sadness and happiness than anger and happiness. At least when we’ve said we are sad, we are admitting something more concrete. When we are angry, we have a step in between where we have to regain our body’s control back. How does the cat go from fight to content simply by walking through his kitty door?

The thing I notice (and really respect) about animals is that they don’t get mad at themselves. They get mad at another kitty. They don’t walk in and hate themselves for protecting their lot, they let it go immediately. It’s because they had a job to do, they did it and resumed their lavish lifestyle. ;)

We don’t do that and I believe it’s because the anger we feel towards ourselves is the thing we carry on. We hate that our character was compromised in a fight. We hate that we resorted to yelling, bad language and hateful slurs. We beat ourselves up for acting like a child with a tantrum instead of dealing with it like an adult. Those are the parts we can’t leave behind in the fight. We simply get mad at the furrow in our brow when we look in our mirror and consequently hate the person looking back. We hate ourselves for making poor choices about who we married. We tear into our own souls for taking cheap shots and spreading the gossip and hate.

I don’t know too many people who walk away from their anger and feel justified in it. Most people have to recover for days, weeks, months or years. Our hate seems to be with another person because ‘THEY made me this way. I hate them for making me this way.’

For me, I have come to realize that nobody caused me to lose control. I allowed myself to lose control. I use the word ‘allow’ because I let something in that was contrary to how I was raised, the kind of person I know I truly am and the person I am working towards discovering. Allowing myself to lose control in any situation is where I feel like the biggest screw-up. The term ‘losing one’s temper’ is said that way for a reason. Our temperament is a crucial part of our spirit which should be protected like our character. We should be guarding it.

Sure there are people who do us wrong, but we will waste our whole life trying to change them. it begs the question, ‘Why?’ Why do we want to change them? Is it for our own peace? My peace doesn’t come from another person. My peace comes from my own character. It’s up to me to storm-proof the house so that when these inevitable hurricanes come, my equilibrium is in check.

Back to staring at my own fingerprints…fascinating! ;)

Karen :)

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” ~Mark Twain

Woah, Back Up a Bit!

2010-11-29T20:59:00.000-08:00

The common denominator I am feeling when I hear from people is the sense of being overwhelmed. Many people have things that are bothering them and they seem to be able to identify what the problems are if they had two solid weeks to share. This isn’t anyone’s fault; it’s simply what happens when problems accumulate.

My initial response with just about everyone in my life is, ‘Woah, back up a bit.’ It’s like tuning into a movie right at the height of the plot and I have no clue what is going on. They don’t even realize they are starting the conversation with characters and storylines that I haven’t heard before. This is an indication of how overwhelmed many people are.

I used to go to Mom for everything because I could just pick up where I left off. There’s something very cool about that. If someone already knows the history of your story, you don’t have to get them up to speed. You also don’t have to hear the same words come out of your mouth over and over which may be painful to deal with. It’s nice to have that person in your life who just knows you.

There is something to be said though about having a fresh perspective with someone who can shed some new light on an old situation, so it can be worth it to start from the beginning, as painful as that sounds.

The more I hear about everyone’s problems, the more I think people are either biting off more than can chew or they are taking on unnecessary fights that they can choose to omit from the equation.

I think I can fairly confidently say that I have had more problems in my life than one person should have to deal with, but I will also admit I gave way to much attention to some of the problems. That attention doubled, tripled and often quadrupled my problems.

There is a domino effect that happened with me. I would have a problem with someone and then I found all sorts of other problems with them because I didn’t like them. It’s like your husband doesn’t spend time with you so you start getting mad at every habit he has and every flaw, real, imagined or inflated. Basically, we add problems and annoyances on because geeze, we just don’t have enough drama, right?

Generally we do this to build a case against them. It’s like we are in court proving to them that they suck by adding as many criminal charges onto the list as possible in order to prove we are hurting.

We also allow the smaller problems to take up too much of our valuable time. Family gossip, world news and religious/political dialog are things we seem to hurl ourselves into even though we clearly don’t have the time or energy to add those topics onto our plate. We could be in the middle of a divorce and we’ll join some online anti-something or other movement and start fighting online when the relationship needs our attention and clear head. It’s not fair to ask our souls to do this!

Can you imagine how much easier it would be to solve a marital spat if everything outside of that problem was really positive? If we woke up in the morning and went for a jog or a walk, ate a decent breakfast and opened the curtains to let the sun in, I’m sure we would be in a better headspace to correct some of the problems. It’s hard because we don’t feel like doing positive things when something important is failing, but how could it make it any worse?

If a relationship is going down the drain, why are we arguing over the color of paint in the living room or nag about the grass not being cut? Is the person who is sitting across from us not more important than paint and grass? I believe we should be willing to give everything up to make that work…including imagined or inflated problems.

So when I say, ‘Woah, back up a bit’ I feel like I am saying it so many times because I am hearing the superficial issues which are only symptoms of the bigger problem. I’m not going to say most problems I hear are boiled down to one, but that is more accurate than saying everyone has a thousand real problems. We may have several bad things happen, we may be getting stones thrown at us daily, but the amount of stones are not the problem, it’s the stone-hurling that is the issue. Who is throwing them and why? It’s not helpful to say, ‘Today I had fifteen stones thrown at me, that’s twice as many as yesterday.’

Now, I won’t say I am giving the ‘Haters of the World’ (you know the phrase I don’t like very much) a free pass or letting them off the hook, I simply have to pick and choose my battles in order to keep my spirit strong and to be able to work at a functional capacity. This means, if a problem is going to tip my scales in a negative way, I’m not going to worry about it.

I also get rid of family gossip and external issues which take time away from me loving my friends and family. I would rather sit down with family and play guitars than talk garbage around the table. That kind of bonding time will ensure we never have a split. Sure there are issues we all have, but which ones are time stealers?

Letting the grass die in order for growth to happen,

Karen :)

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." ~Albert Einstein