I Had My Heart Set On It

My season so far has been unusual. For the most part it’s been good. Travelling around is harder in bad weather but you can kind of pick and choose a bit when you go.

I realized throughout this holiday how nomadic I am. Years back I did a mass exodus of most of my belongings and my dresser drawer is down to two. While travelling, I take a laptop and a backpack. I don’t own a home and my parents are both gone, so there isn’t a main family home to visit.

For a few years now, I have been looking at old buildings and churches with the thought of buying one to live in at some point. There was one I really loved and it sold, but the funny part is that I didn’t feel any disappointment. For about 5 seconds I thought, aw…that’s too bad…then I moved on. See, I have changed my entire perception about things. For many years, things dictated where I would stay, what job offers I would take and where I would live…but it was so freeing to consolidate how I did and now I feel like I am not too far away from being ok with buying a place to call home. I actually think I could buy a home, furnish it, and lose it all and still be ok with it because of my new perception of "things".

I was telling this to a friend who said she lost a home to another buyer (as though it was already hers to begin with) and she said, "Ya know…I just had my heart set on it." I believe this thought can stop us from looking for what is in front of us. It’s a sure way to experience disappointment and we seem to teach it to children young. Children at this time of year experience it with gifts. It’s nice to have some ideas about things, but should you really invest your heart in it?

Then it got me thinking about how I have had my heart set on people too. Talk about MAJOR disappointment. Is it not better to be open to the idea that something won’t come for us and someone won’t be there for us?

Fixating my heart in either scenario not only sets me up for disappointment but takes my eye off of the beautiful surprises life offers. It reminds me of when my driving instructor asked me to keep my eye further down the road than on the hood of my car.

I feel really wide-eyed and ready for what is next. If a cheap church or century home comes up and I am struck with the idea of getting it, I will…but I am more concerned if that is where I am supposed to be at the time according to the bigger plan that is waiting for me.

I won’t lie to you though, I could certainly make a lot more noise in it than an apartment. ;)

Just gotta be open to what comes my way.

I apologize for my really horrible reply time to emails, internet is questionable in my travels.

Much love on all of you this holiday season!

Karen :)

"Dreaming is one thing, and working towards the dream is one thing, but working with expectations in mind is very self-defeating." ~Michael Landon


The Jerry Springer Incident at My Hotel

Well, I am back from my first trip. I was in Orlando with friends…Cape Canaveral’s Beach was a highlight for me. I watched the Sandpipers for a very long time. If you have never seen them, they run quickly from the tide coming in and then as soon as it goes out again, they run quickly towards it picking up little bits in the sand.

The weather was humid compared to Los Angeles (which is abnormally cold right now but apparently compared with Ontario where I will be after the 15th of this month for quite a bit, it’s balmy) Overall I had a good time.

I had posted a status update about the chick who pulled the fire alarm at my hotel. I guess her and her roommate got into it (they seemed like women in their 20s) and the one ran out of her room yelling that the other stole money from her. She yanked the fire alarm, then people started coming out of their rooms to see what was going on. She proceeded to knock on everyone’s doors warning that her friend was a thief and she’d steal from us all! I went back in the room and called security and they said the police were on their way. The hotel manager and security were trying to get a straight story, she’s going off like some whack on Jerry Springer (oh in my status comment that was me yelling for Jerry Springer to help, she wasn’t yelling it….ha) Then a little while later, I hear some man in the hall say, "I’d never hit a woman, but I wanted to slap that crazy bitch!" I was thinking ‘WHERE am I?’ It felt like a Springer set. The man in the hall was telling some other people that he ended up having to shove her into a wall because she was so out of control and that was where the cut on her head came from. He said the Hotel Manager wanted a statement from him and he laughed and said, "I got no time to make some statement…" With that I laughed and shut my door thankful nobody wanted info from me. I was free. YAY!

Anyways, I now safe at home again until I leave for the cold North I grew up in. I will still have access to the internet for those of you who asked that….hahahaha but I am not mailing signed CDs until the new year. If you would like to order one, email me at stevermusic@hotmail.com and I can mail you one before I go. Same goes for CDs you would like to send as gifts. I can mail anything you want between now and Dec.14th. After that, it will be a few weeks into January.

And of course, anything you’d like to buy or send as a Christmas gift you can pay for in the new year when your finances are ok. I don’t mind helping with you giving gifts. I don’t charge interest. ;) They are $15 to send anywhere in the US and $18 to send outside the US. I’ll send right away, you pay when you can.

I hope that helps a bit. :)

Pouring back tons of tea today to keep warm!

Happy Holidays!!
Karen :)

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."~Helen Keller


HAVE FUN…whether you like it or not!

December is always a colorful month. It’s good to see holiday cheer beginning.

I haven’t really had a holiday in over a decade and this month I am taking family and friends up on invitations to go various places. It feels bizarre because I have been particularly shut in since Mom died on Dec 24th of 2001.

But, I am taking a different attitude and spending much of this month visiting and doing friend and family outings and travelling. I’m not gonna lie to you, I find it difficult and if you are a bit of a hermit, you may understand that.

Being a big ‘people watcher’, it’s interesting to see how other families react to the season which I suppose is part of what has turned me off of the holidays to begin with. But with taking on this fresh outlook, I am trying diligently not to be tainted by things I disagree with and let it slide a bit more. Public places really show bad parenting at its finest. Can you imagine what we don’t see?

Losing Mom was a wake-up call for me. I started out being very bitter that she was gone and people were still fighting. So I isolated myself for years. I realized that sweating the little holiday stuff is not worth it. It just doesn’t matter. I used to listen to arguments over which day someone would have Christmas, who would be hosting it, what food would be cooked, how much to spend on presents and despite everyone thinking the season is especially for little ones…the little ones would feel the biggest part of the stress. That bothers me when it’s parents fighting with their kids in an amusement park or shopping mall setting because those places were originally intended to bring people closer.(or uh, make money on bringing people closer…haha)

When I look back at my childhood, despite losing Daddy at a young age, my fondest memories were of me doing something or doing nothing WITH my Mother. I especially loved bringing a very large stack of books into her at night not necessarily with the hope of reading them all, but prolonging our time together before bed. It amazes me how parents are annoyed by it. If they really viewed it as it is, the child just loving to be with them, they might take a cooler approach to bedtime. I never argued with her over bedtime, she just made it enjoyable and I accepted the sleep part as being a necessary health thing for me because she explained it that way.
I know during the holidays depending on who I visit, I am going to see parents stressed out. As natural and somewhat normal as this is, if everyone jumped up into my Father’s airplane at a few thousand feet and looked down, they’d see how the little things don’t matter. I should say, the little quarrels don’t matter…because the hugs, kisses and small words are very important.

I know it’s economically been a tough year for many, but I am pretty sure most children could be ok with less ‘stuff’ if the parents would worry less about how the house looks and would get down on the ground and play with them. It’s my opinion that spending time WITH family rather than spending money ON family is what they will remember in 10, 20 and 50 years. I remember the toys and books where Mom played or read them with me. I only treasure those items because of the experience, not because of the bits and pieces themselves. There are so many great books now and many have forgotten about them. Kids love curling up with them if a parent is involved.

In other areas, there are lonely people (ie, families of soldiers etc) who would appreciate the time being spent also….of course, not just the holidays, but every day.

I hope all of you are able to take the opportunity this season to assess or reassess your relationship with your family, perhaps find someone you haven’t had a deep conversation with, ignore the housework and curl up on the sofa with them over tea.

I’m looking forward to doing just that.

Much love on you and Happy Holidays!
Karen :)

"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it." ~Marcelene Cox