The Happiness Bookends

“Happiness is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.”
~Helen Keller

“I just want to be happy”. It’s a phrase which has probably come out of more people’s mouths than we can imagine. Happiness quite often seems like the goal.

But what if happiness isn’t the end goal? Or what if we took it away as a potential end goal?

I think what happiness should be a very short-term goal that we should be striving for sooner than waiting. We tend to wait until we find the dream house to have happiness, the new car or the perfect relationship. I maintain happiness should book-end things…it should be the beginning and end and morph into the next beginning. These periods could be seconds. You could have so many beginnings and endings that they could end up taking up every second. Let me explain;

If I can be happy with myself first, I can be of assistance to someone else which will add to my happiness.
That’s the book-end. The happiness has the potential to eventually bleed right through the task so we can maintain it.
If I am miserable, sad or unhappy, I am unable to muster up the energy to help anyone else

The bookend works on us too. We might have to put contentment on the first bookend in order to want to help ourselves and then we can be happy knowing we helped ourselves.
We may have to put rest on the first part of the bookend so we help ourselves.
We might have to put forgiveness on the beginning.
We might have to get rid of the bookends which look heavy but don’t have the substance to hold up our shelf like guilt, anger and jealousy.

I used a small vase with some coins in it to hold up some books. One day, it came crashing down and scared my Filthy cat at the time. It wasn’t strong enough to hold it up.

I think we are looking for things to hold up our “goals” which just aren’t powerful enough to do it.

For me, helping others is my bookshelf. I feel it’s my calling and my purpose. I am happy to do it and I feel happy when I do it. My book shelf seems fine now.

When my motivation in helping others has selfish motivation, the bookends are susceptible to falling. If I am constantly irritated, impatient, annoyed, angry or jealous, it’s only a matter of time before those bookends come off the shelf and bring all my self-centered goals with it.

What I believe finding happiness with ourselves can do is put us in a good frame of mind to fulfill our purpose and can only be achieved through us, not others or other things. If we create the happiness, if we find the purpose in it all, we can feel good at night going to sleep knowing that shelf is sitting stable and everything is functioning.

I think happiness and helping others goes hand in hand. I have found great purpose in helping.

What if there isn’t just one big purpose for us? What is ‘purpose’?

We have an idea of the things which serve a purpose in our lives, but what about the things which serve no purpose? We know how to push obstacles around in our house. We understand how to move items from one room to another but can we identify the things which actually serve a purpose? I finally took some items to Good Will which served no purpose. There were some chairs I never sat on, a table beside my bed that was too low for my water anyways and many clothes which haven’t been worn in a few years.

I have a rule now with my household items; if they serve no purpose in me achieving a purpose, they can go to someone else.

How can we rid our own character of the things which serve no use or the things which inhibit our growth? Is there a cinder block sitting precariously on our bookends or books?

I truly believe one of the biggest cement blocks we can have on our shelf is ill intent. When our hearts have poor motivation, selfish incentives or fake enthusiasm it negates everything we have that is good.

And all this happiness chatter aside, what if it’s possible that our individual purpose is to be a link in the bigger picture? What if we thought less about our own happiness on a single scale and started slotting ourselves into where we are needed based on being called to do so?

For me, this can only be achieved by simply paying attention. I am all done arm-wrestling life into submission. If I am needed, that is where I will be.

Helen Keller said, “Happiness is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.”; fidelity meaning devotion, dedication and faithfulness to a worthy purpose.

I like that she said worthy instead of greater. I always believe in finding the greater purpose in things, but I like the choice of ‘worthy’ because it means there is a reason for it

Dropping off some more books and CDs today…hope they can serve a purpose for someone,

Karen :)

Talk about bookending a quote;

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.” ~Helen Keller

Happiness Roadblocks

The following video has some of the text below plus some of my blithering. :)

I read a great article from Stephanie Jacob who gave some thoughts on ‘Happiness Roadblocks’. She said;

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The first step is to know what may be standing in your way and then learn how to reroute yourself. Here, some of the most common roadblocks to happiness and a guide for getting around them according to author MJ Ryan;

1. Expecting the worst all the time;

Does the phrase "if I expect the worst, then I won't be let down" cross your mind on a regular basis? All you're doing by worrying or anticipating something that isn't happening (and may never happen) "is keeping the stress response turned on way high and not enjoying whatever you could enjoy in that moment," says Ryan.

2. Passing the buck

If you feel you deserve to be happy and your [insert kid, parent, spouse, job, car or new pair of shoes here] is supposed to make you happy, keep reading. "There's absolutely positive proof that that's just not true," says Ryan. "For a moment something else can actually boost us up, but it's only a matter of time before we're looking for the next thing." It's an insatiable cycle that won't result in long-term happiness.

Rather, your happiness is your own responsibility. Try turning your focus within: What are the gifts that I have, who am I and what do I have uniquely to offer, and when I go and offer that, I feel better and happier. "That's essentially what Aristotle meant by fulfillment," says Ryan. "It has nothing to do with anyone else or anything."

3. Thinking life should be perfect and yours isn’t

For starters, the world isn't perfect. So you're fighting a losing battle if you think yours can be. "Ask yourself three questions at the end of the day," says Ryan. "What am I thankful for today? What did I enjoy today? And what am I satisfied about today? And you can't say 'nothing.' You have to come up with something."

4. Not thinking of others. Ever.

It turns out being generous can make you happier. You don't have to have a million dollars to donate to the charity of your choice to reap the benefits, either. People who simply do five small random acts of kindness -- putting a quarter in someone else's parking meter or opening the door for someone -- have been found to be happier than those who don't, says Ryan. "In doing these things, we activate the part of our brains that give us a little endorphin boost so we feel better."

5. Expecting life to be fair

Life isn't fair. And fretting about the lack of fairness that exists essentially leads to comparing yourself, your life or your situation to someone else's and then feeling worse about yourself, your life or your situation. The trick isn't to stop comparing.

The bottom line.

The trick with all of these is to catch yourself on the negative-thinking road and make a choice to think about it differently instead. "You want to build the positive habits like a road that exists alongside the negative ones," Ryan says. "It's there -- your stress, worry, anger -- whatever it is, but you're building another way of looking at life, approaching life, dealing with people. It's substituting those thoughts for more wholesome thoughts."

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While I agree with most of it, I still go back to my same thought process which is ‘Am I purpose-driven or am I goal-oriented?’ For me personally, since I have come to a greater understanding of my existence, I am way happier. When I am chasing gigantic goals, I don’t find happiness. This happens to very rich people who don’t know what else to chase and then they aren’t happy. But when I pay attention to where I am needed on a daily basis in the bigger picture and worry less about myself, I am way happier. I feel more like a warrior or soldier who has a job to do. I don’t question why the universe has me on this particular continent, on this soil, with these people…I am constantly looking at what is in front of me and how I can make that situation better.

Understanding that there is work to be done keeps me fulfilled. Keeping my eyes on where I am needed keeps me content. Whenever I become selfish about my needs, I become less happy.

I also find being part of a community where we all move in a wave makes me way happier than when I was the lone soldier. If you are part of a team and you are injured, your team still has a hope of doing well. But if you head to the Olympics and break an ankle at the airport, you are out of the game completely. We are better as a part of a bigger plan than alone.

Are you able to ask for help? Do you feel safe reaching out to others? Do you know where and how to slot yourself into a bigger picture or are you still trying to do things your way?

If your answer to “Are you Happy?” is yes, I guess you are doing everything right. But if you feel like you are fighting the brick wall with little or no results, I hope you will take comfort knowing you aren’t alone and you can be part of a team who will embrace you and love you.

Yes happiness does come from inside. It is our mindset that matters. But it’s a big, heavily populated world with lots of like-minded spirits and there are so many of us who feel your pain.

In pursuit of the ultimate chocolate ice cream,

Karen :)

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” ~ Mohandas Gandhi

Is their Grass Greener than Yours?

I spent some of my life living in a subdivision where the only thing that looked physically different between houses was the paint on the garage doors. You know when everyone in the new subdivision takes their seemingly normal brick-faced façade and wants to show some individuality, so they paint the garage and front door bright red? (Unfortunately, the person next to them paints theirs bright yellow) After they both add the same colors of tulips to the front flowerbed, you have …McDonald’s.

I’d hear the women standing in the driveways comparing flowers, pets, child issues…husband problems. The men would huddle around some sporty car with a beer and cigarette and chat about sports. The issue wasn’t what they were discussing, it was the arrogance and competitive dialogue. Everyone seemed to want to one-up each other. At the end of the day, everyone’s car looked relatively the same and everyone’s home still matched each other.

I found living there to be disturbing on so many levels. I don’t say it with an ungrateful heart because I find my apartment (while unsettling for its own reasons) a step up because I don’t have to specifically deal with that mentality anymore. I also don’t mean to lump your subdivision in with it. You probably either get exactly where I am coming from, OR you have been one of the chosen few who have managed to overcome this and infiltrate with a new mentality. For that, I applaud you!

The mentality of one-upping each other is not exclusive to the subdivision, it’s just where I personally experienced it the most. It’s easy access to one another, you can stand in the driveway of your neighbor easily and borrowing a cup of sugar is handy enough. Also, children play together on bikes or with sidewalk chalk so the Moms are generally outside with them chatting away. This way of thinking however seems to be instilled long before anyone moves there.

I really can’t say an ill word about my upbringing. I consider myself a very blessed person with a series of smacks and unfortunate events along the way. One of the things my mom was big on was how we looked when we went somewhere. I slept on many many hard plastic rollers in my life and I had several outfits that matched my sisters (Between my Mom and Aunt, they LOVED to sew!) I think it’s really sweet to dress your children nicely to go visiting, but ‘don’t leave the house without lipstick’ carried its weight every single day of my life. The point was you have to be careful what others think of you. My Mom was just proud of her children, I don’t think it was bad…but when company would come the house had to be clean and the best teacups would come out.

Everyone has something be it big or small in their childhood which assists in framing this competitive mindset. But more than this, I thinking eye-balling what someone else has may be the consolation prize for not having happiness or contentment in many cases.

In the subdivision, I’d hear 4000 conversations over the grass. The Weed Man would come to one house and then everyone else would want him to come. He’d come aerate the lawn and then have to do everybody’s. Then the endless talks of grubs…oh my gaaaaawd…if grubs didn’t enter 4000 of my dreams while living there!

So everyone would stand in their bare feet and say, “Isn’t it great to stand on lush grass? It’s like carpet!”

Oh but then…then the dreaded news would come; WATERING RESTRICTIONS. Well, you’ve never seen hysteria until you tell people they can’t water their grass. It never dawned on anyone that the town was having a water shortage! They were willing to go without showers and dishwater over losing their privilege to water the grass!

So eventually the grass turned brown. Oh, it was as though the Great Depression of the Dirty 30’s struck. “No grass…what do we do?” “Do we rake up the dead stuff?” “NO! DON’T DO THAT!! You’ll pull up the roots!”

They really should have just rolled it up and smoked it and chilled out as far as I was concerned.

Whenever I was in an unhappy relationship, I found myself more competitive in anything that was a façade. If the house was vacuumed, it seemed less chaotic. If laundry was all caught up, there was no dirty laundry in the metaphorical sense. If how

I looked and where I lived looked better than the neighbors I could fool everyone including myself into thinking I could be happy.

It’s what we are sold in the ads and it’s why people spend more money on their grass than time with family.

I feel like we have wised up a lot to this though, thankfully it’s becoming increasingly transparent who’s happy and who isn’t whether their lawn is amazing or not. This might seem bad, but what I dig about it is that it opens a dialogue to get the root where the grubs are destroying it.

How are things at your home? Do you envy your neighbor? Their home? Their relationship? Their happiness? Are you sure they are? Do you measure your happiness by what they have or by what you don’t have? Or are you able to recognize what is good in your world to find contentment?

Love you guys!

Karen :)

“I'm thankful to be breathing, on this side of the grass. Whatever comes, comes.” ~Ron Perlman

Jumping in Leaves

We had a gorgeous, great big Maple tree outside our farmhouse that shed enough leaves in the fall for a really large pile. I wish I could revisit it sometimes but sadly, the whole farm is now a Toyota Factory. But, the human memory is an amazing thing where we get to store these childhood times and bring them up when we want.

Now what was I saying? ;) Think, think…Oh yeah…

This Maple tree also provided good shade for the lettuce in Gramma’s flowerbed. I think I have mentioned before that Gramma lived on one side of the house. The farmhouse had 20 places for children to invade (adults refer to them as ‘rooms’) but it was all over the 33 acres where we truly explored. I could write a whole book just going on and on about my farm. It was a haven for children. It’s kind of how I begin to picture heaven because children were crazy-free there. (oh which made me think of the time I wandered out the long lane and a woman picked me up and brought me back in MUCH to my Mother’s horror-don’t think that would happen these days, huh? Lol!) I laugh now…

With all the memories I have on the farm, that tree was a big highlight for me. It’s where my siblings and I actually got along consistently (they might tell you they were nice to me so they’d have one more worker to rake leaves…the corn field where I would get beat up and left for dead by them was another story) Our dog Crystal who was a gorgeous lab/german shep mix loved playing in the leaves too. She would retrieve all sorts of things we lost in the pile like Johnny’s glasses and a few other odds and sods. In the winter, she’d find lost mittens in the snow too. Bless her heart she retrieved stray eggs from random chicken nests (our chickens were free-range) and her soft mouth didn’t put a crack in them until she dropped them down on the cement pad outside the kitchen. But man she looked so proud of herself for ‘helping’.

The one thing you have to accept about living on the farm is that it isn’t all farm animals but there are weasels and snakes, spiders and other creepy crawlers. I am not afraid of any of them. I have a good understanding of what makes nature go round. I’m not about killing something I don’t like and I would gladly pick up a snake or let a spider walk along my arm. (mind you, that was Canada, I have been informed to let them be down here…ha!)

The only bad memory I have of a snake was one that was in and around our pile of leaves (‘cause bless their little snakey heart, they love leaves too!) The bad part stems from my Father killing this one who was around our pile. I won’t go into detail how he did it, but I will just say bless his big Daddy heart for wanting to protect us. I still wish he didn’t though.

Since the whole incident, I haven’t been willing to climb a big maple and jump in the leaves and this is because of the bad memory. I’ve done this a lot in life too. You become nervous about entering relationships when you’ve had a bad one. You question new people, thinking they are also a snake in the pile and that some massive attack is imminent and you just have to wait for it to come down heavy on ya.

But, slowly you get over the baggage and you feel like, "Great! This is a no-drama incident!" and you feel fortunate you can just play in leaves with no snakes. But I am having a new revelation (my revelations are ongoing and always subject to change) where maybe we didn’t look close enough at the snake to see what the deeper meaning was.

In this case, the snake wanted the exact same thing as we did (well, I don’t know if he wanted the camaraderie like us but you get what I mean) He was just venturing out and looking for shelter and warmth. He didn’t know our Daddy was territorial. He basically was in the wrong place at the wrong time and nobody cared about his ability to fit in with the ecosystem or how he was able to control the insect population.

Much of my life I have been making reference to people like in the music industry as ‘snakes in the grass’, but really it’s not fair to the snakes. Ha! But maybe when we think someone is out to get us or we think they are lurking, it isn’t as bad as we perceive. Maybe there are times we just didn’t look at their motivation properly. It seems like everyone just wants to fit in somehow, wants to be loved or just needs some shelter. I believe the problem is how they present themselves to us and how we present ourselves to them. Without properly communicating what we need, we can come off snakey, needy or with ill-intent. Our baggage and history can taint our true motivation and we offload that to the next guy.

What I have been trying to do (and I do mean TRYING-it’s a battle) is learn how to not only look at a person’s heart before their action but understand where they, (not to mention I) fit into this whole world. Just because someone comes off rough to me doesn’t mean they don’t want the same things. Just like a person covered in tattoos is not evil, neither is someone who has a bad temper or a brash demeanor. If I can get past the façade long enough to see what their motivation is, I may find that they essentially want the same things out of life and that it may just be my intolerance to a different personality that causes my perception of them to infiltrate my life negatively.

This is very freeing to me. It means I don’t have to inherit their baggage!! That is a major step. I not only don’t have expectations of other people, but I feel like what makes someone different than me can draw me a bit closer to them in the spirit of tolerance (as a human…lol…I don’t have to live with them or marry them…hahaha) They have their place in this world, I have mine. We can build boundaries, but we certainly don’t have to build hate based on society’s perception. I love my Father and his heart was as pure as that snake’s, but I still wished they could have resolved their differences. :)

In moving forward, I don’t think I would feel concerned now about jumping in leaves (both in reality and metaphorically) because I am seeing how we are all just trying to get a nut, ya know? When the end of the day comes, we all are just trying to find some warmth and shelter.

Hope your weekend ROCKS!!
Karen :)

"We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same." ~Anne Frank

Do our Screw-ups Define Us?

"Our sins are more easily remembered than our good deeds." ~Democritus

I saw that quote and I thought, "Yes, I do have people who will always remember me for something I screwed up." I mean, obviously it depends on how bad that thing was. Some people get fired for something and of course their boss will remember what they did wrong. If you go to jail for something you did, you will most likely be known for that. A champion boxer will be remembered for spousal abuse over the several titles he held. I understand all of that. I don’t mean to cite such extreme cases…this is me speaking more generally.

But I am reminded of what James Hetfield had said when he was performing to the inmates at San Quentin. It was something about being born with the same size souls and being born good. I think James did a great job at that prison of showing respect. He wasn’t there to rub anything in anyone’s face. He didn’t have them all released into society, but he did show respect.

If Democritus’ quote rings true, then I would think it would stand to reason that a person who is capable of performing good deeds does have a good soul. Now if the person is just absolutely rotten to the core, then maybe the good deeds are part of a bigger scam…but then, they wouldn’t care if they were remembered at all, right? Of course some people start off pretty good and then fall off the turnip truck along the way…I doubt they care how they are viewed either.

For those of us who would rather have the good part of us define our character, I think it’s a good starting place to look at what we remember or acknowledge in others. Is there someone in our life who has had the bad parts overshadow the good? For instance, in a marriage; could we look past the smaller idiosyncrasies and quirky behavior to see the person we fell in love with? Are we storing these faults in the fronts of our minds instead of the back and if the faults don’t further jeopardize our future, could we shove them out of heads altogether?

It’s painful when someone defines us by our screw-ups but if we hate it so much, could we start by looking past theirs? I don’t think this means we have to stay married to someone abusive or keep an employee who steals money, but I think we can begin to detach the human from their actions.

In my own experience, when I have reminded someone about the good they have done and ultimately the good person they are, the encouragement in many cases have caused them to be more like the person they want to be or know they are.

I think the goal is to strive be the person we want to be and the person we know we can be based on our own personality with the hope of getting farther away from what we screwed up. Nobody is perfect and I think it’s more crucial now than ever to encourage everyone towards their right to happiness.

Much love on ya!
Karen :)

(quote is at the top of the blog) ;)