Are You an Easy Target?

Someone had responded to part of the blog, ‘How Can We Simplify the Message?’ by saying, “Karen, staying open makes you an easy target.”

The problem with that statement is I didn’t say ‘Standing out in the open’, I said I was staying open; big difference. I didn’t say I was going to walk onto the highway at rush-hour. This is what happens when we are used to hooking on to catch-phrases in the English language without giving much regard for their meaning. If a saying is popular enough (like the title to this blog….lol) we just go ahead and run with it. It’s kind of like me mentioning before, ‘If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.’ That phrase is actually not true, it’s just cool and catchy. If I don’t stand for something, there could be a million reasons why I don’t. It doesn’t mean I am going to fall for anything that comes my way. Catch phrases like that are designed to manipulate and control and keep everyone in the same state of thinking.

‘Are You an Easy Target?’ is another one. The statement I was given, “Karen, staying open makes you an easy target.” Is just something people say to one another. There isn’t much thought put into MY scenario when someone says it, they are only thinking about THEIR experience or simply just saying something that sounds wise but actually doesn’t apply.

We have sayings, rules, quotes and laws which dictate just about everything. Some are good, some are questionable but I try not to generalize anything or anyone by throwing a statement at them which doesn’t apply to them.

So back to the phrase “Karen, staying open makes you an easy target.” Well first of all, it actually doesn’t but in my usual philosophical need to break things down in the hopes of coming to a greater understanding, let me run with where I think this person was headed.

With the exception of having no regard for what I said in the first place, and messing up the original saying by regurgitating something he heard (I am thinking what he really meant was staying out in the open) I’m going to just take the phrase he said at face value. What I am essentially going to do is ‘stay open to what he is telling me’ which if it goes horribly wrong, he’s going to prove his own phrase to be correct. ;)

Staying open makes me an easy target; I see this as the idea that if I keep my mind free of all stubborn-headed, possibly arrogant indoctrination I have learned before and keep my eyes open and my ears alert I will somehow be blown to bits by sniper rifles from a tall building.

Now, perhaps this is a person who has been burned before and has tried to stay open to hearing what people had to say. Therefore, he was issuing me a warning so that I wouldn’t get burned too. That was thoughtful! Lol

The thing is this; Listening doesn’t burn you. Letting someone speak and have their turn doesn’t burn you. Considering what a person has to say doesn’t burn you. Running with someone else’s idea could burn you, but couldn’t it also be fun?

The blog he was referring to was ‘How Can We Simplify the Message’ where I was saying I was open to hearing everyone’s beliefs but don’t necessarily agree. I went on to say how I was exploring some bits of wisdom from animals. I wasn’t jumping into full-on Shamanism, I was simply exploring and having fun in doing so.

I believe when we stay open to what people are saying, there’s really not much chance of being a target. You might become a target if you blindly go along with what they say, but then the saying should be ‘Going along blindly with what someone says makes you an easy target’…not as catchy…a bit wordy.

What I find staying open does is two things; it makes you seem cooler than you maybe are…hahahaha and it can be a lot of fun.

Some people do consider themselves an easy target meaning they think they are too soft or too gullible. But I love those traits more than their opposites. The world could stand a bit more softness in my opinion.

I talk a lot about words that have been hijacked but what about words that have been lost like ‘fun’? Can’t we visit another country and enjoy the culture? The problem is, we don’t want someone’s differences coming here. It’s completely bizarre to me but above all, we are missing out on the joys of staying open and learning something new. We don’t even have to make it our new religion or belief, we can simply listen and enjoy!

Boy oh boy, what ever happened to laughter? I could choose to get paranoid about someone thinking I am practicing Shamanism and just talk all day about how wrong it is or I can just grab the topic, have some fun with it, laugh at the animals and all their wisdom and go enjoy some tea. It doesn’t have to be so serious. But above all else, I don’t ever think I have it all figured out so why wouldn’t I stay open?

Staying open has contributed healthy things to my character and made me less grouchy. Ever notice how many people get grouchy about their beliefs? Even though I try and stay open to someone grouchy and angry telling me how awesome their belief system is, I’m not going to laugh, have fun or learn as much…that’s for sure. I think staying closed-minded or locked away isn’t progression of our character either. Most people end up depressed that way and what kind of life-style is that?

But yes, standing out in the open highway at rush hour isn’t very smart, I agree. But seriously, did someone think I was going to do that? ;)

You know when I said everyone should cut each other some slack, I should also add, ‘This is life! LIGHTEN UP!!!’

Rant transmission ended…will return to our regularly-scheduled loving channel momentarily. Heehee

Karen :)

“People are very open-minded about new things - as long as they're exactly like the old ones.” ~Charles Kettering

Who Has ‘Daddy Issues’?

Today would have been my Father’s 75^th birthday. This is completely insane to me! That was around the age my Grandfather died (My Mom’s Dad) I was thinking how I have siblings who are close to my Father’s age when he died. It’s a weird day for me for sure.

I was watching Goldmember to fall asleep to last night. For any of you who remember the scene where Austin Powers and Dr. Evil are talking in the jail, you’ll know why I was laughing so hard.

But part of me laughs because I really did have Daddy issues. My father passed away when I was nicely turning 6. He was a good Daddy and a strong leader. He kept his house in line, that’s for sure!

Some people say the Stever men are too tough but I think that would have been better than the alternative which is what I ended up with; a household with a single Mom raising four children on her own and each of us had the fiery Stever personality so talk about having challenges!

It’s another phrase which gets used a lot. I’ve heard the term given to women who are promiscuous, ungrounded, angry and misled or depressed. Well, some of those applied to me…I’ll let you argue amongst yourselves which ones…hahaha!

At some point in my life, I had to get past the labeling of ‘daddy issues’. Am I going to use that as a crutch for my whole life just because some counselor told me that’s what I had? It’s fine if that is the clinical term although I doubt it is, but it’s another phrase which doesn’t seem to be very helpful. Oh good, so I have Daddy issues, awesome…now what do I do with the information? Do I just tell every man I run into to stand back as though I have a contagious illness? Do I sit in Daddy Issue support meetings week after week until I earn enough club points to cash in for a vacation?

I had to realize that my issues were not that simple. It might take an mildly ok psychologist to diagnose the illness as ‘Daddy Issues’ but it takes way more effort to first of all, understand what the phrase means and then systematically get through the series of sessions required for healing. There is such a danger with given that phrase to someone because the label can be like a ball and chain on our ankle for life! Without properly getting to the root of the problem, the label makes us completely incapacitated. We act like a bird who is downed by a torn wing.

As it turns out, my ‘daddy issues’ were just a nice way of saying every male contact I had was problematic but what I don’t like is that my father’s death had to take the blame for it all. My father loved to fly, he was free and he accidentally died doing it. This is not where the blame should be.

My childhood was perfectly lovely until I was sexually assaulted by a man when I was 11-14. That is not a daddy issue, that is an assault issue. In looking back, it should have been dealt with better. I have only recently been truly dealing with that recently because I quit viewing the man as a Father figure and started looking at him as an assailant. I was attacked, that’s the issue. This is not my Father’s fault nor is it my Mother’s fault. She didn’t set me up for it. I could go onto to say I have Mommy issues if I blamed her for setting us up that way, but as if she saw that one coming!

We are all given so many labels and we are over-labeling children as well instead of addressing what is happening to us and to them.

So, on this day I will celebrate my Father by relieving him completely of being at fault for other men attacking me. There is absolutely no way he could have known that by building and flying his airplanes it would have lead to a death that would have caused his children years of troubles which could as some experts say, bleed into the lives of his grandchildren. It’s true that his absence was felt in my home, but I am not going to give myself or anyone else the term ‘Daddy issues’. I can’t think of a scenario anymore where it applies. If your own Father was a jerk or an abuser, you have issues with an abuser. Of course it adds a unique dimension when they are related to you, but I’m not sure it leads to anything healing nor is it helpful.

Happy Birthday Daddy, you gave me way more than anyone could ever accuse you of taking from me…

Karen :)

“How true Daddy's words were when he said: all children must look after their own upbringing. Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.” ~Anne Frank

How Can We Simplify the Message?

In my thinking that everyone’s belief system is their own and that every single faith and belief out there is possible because of our gift of choice (which I believe is the best gift we have ever been given), I have learned to be very tolerant of what people believe. I don’t consider this political correctness; rather I love people enough to let them choose. After all, we are free to live and free to make our own choices. Allowing someone to believe what they want is my way of showing love. I don’t argue beliefs because an argument to me is not loving.

Now, I do have fun reading about different philosophies in various cultures and I have decided most wisdom still comes from animals. ;)

This was from a link that was passed around; (I just grabbed 3 animals I am familiar with. My thoughts are in brackets)

Dog's Wisdom Includes:

• Heals emotional wounds in humans (How can we learn to do that?)
• Understanding of the duality of doubt and faith (They encompass balance here)
• Companionship (They simply love to be around us, if we would notice them more, we could learn how loving they are)
• Unquestioned loyalty (To a fault, but it keeps their character strong and true)
• Love (Dogs not only love us, but they know what the purity of love is)
• Knowledge of all things sensual (their sense of anything physical is dead on)
• Protection (Not only know when to go into protection mode but will protect their humans to the death…even other animals)
• Ability to smell trouble from a distance (How can I gain this skill? It might be their greatest attribute!)

Domestic Cat's Wisdom Includes:

• Independence (While they seem unbalanced in this respect, cats who are separated from each other bounce back easily whereas dogs long for their partners for a long time)
• Seeing the unseen (Night Vision! I want that! Have you ever seen your kitty stare at something and you look at the same location and there is nothing there? They even spot specks of lint on the floor that we don’t notice and they will patrol the area around it!)
• Protection (I would say they have the ability to protect the greater area. These two kitties in the parking lot have kept it for years now)
• Love (When it’s time to love, they love with their whole heart. They maybe don’t love as often as dogs, but when they do, it’s like they are trying to crawl under your skin…SO much affection)
• Allows us to dream its dreams (This could be a topic all on its own with many interpretations, but I like the idea that it shows us things we may not have seen before)
• Assists in meditation (I have entered other realms just by petting a cat one thousand times…it’s like magic…lol)
• Ability to fight when cornered (I don’t like fighting, but I do admire their fearless nature)

Horse/Pony/Mustang's Wisdom Includes:

• Power (When I lived on the farm, we would brush the horses down and I was always in awe of how their muscles were laid out so intricately. I have always been humbled by their power. I also love that their power is to be admired, not feared. It’s a good lesson in proper leadership)
• Stamina (I also like that their emotions don’t interfere with their drive)
• Endurance (Maybe it’s their vegetarian diet…lol)
• Faithfulness (You would think that breaking them would be harder based on how they could just trample us anytime they want. It’s pretty cool that they will wait for us)
• Freedom to run free (Can you imagine being set down in the forest to live? Most of us would hide, they will run full steam)
• Control of the environment (That seems like a Jedi trick)
• Awareness of power achieved with true cooperation (Ever seen a stampede of horses?)
• Interspecies communication (How can we learn to communicate with people who are not like us and don’t speak the language? Maybe it means simplifying the message)
• Expanding one’s own potential abilities (For any of you who have worked, trained or shown horses, you will totally understand this one)
• Friendship and Cooperation (And done peacefully)
• Travel
• Astral travel
• Guardian of travelers (all the travel attributes they have, certainly have shown me to be fearless in exploring and maintaining stamina throughout)
• Warns of possible danger ( I often wonder how they are able to sense the things they do)
• Guide to overcoming obstacles (I was thinking of when our horses used to jump. Have you ever watched them run right up to something, assess and turn and go try again and again? They know when to bail, but they don’t give up)

Overall, my favorite thing that animals teach us is to simplify our message to each other making everything less complicated. They manage to survive many years with some basic communication skills. They seem to have a message of community, protecting it, enjoying it and showing lots of love and friendship. Why can’t we figure this out? Aren’t we supposed to be the dominate species? (chuckles)

I can’t believe it didn’t mention napping…who better to help you rest than them?

Karen :)

“The best thing about animals is that they don't talk much.” ~Thornton Wilder

Is Daydreaming Distracting?

"You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we're doing it.” ~Neil Gaiman

It was a Garry Marshall book I read where he talked about how baseball teaches us where we should be in life. He liked being the Umpire, so naturally he gravitated towards being the Director. I remember he gave me the book after I worked with him in Toronto on a TV show. The book was called ‘Wake Me When It’s Funny’. What I got from the book was the ability to focus my career. It wasn’t one of these acting books that says, ‘So you Wanna Be an Actor’ and then gives you bullet points on how to do that.

It prompted me to consider what I was good at, matched my character to the best part of that field and I realized that writing was my passion. I did enjoy the acting I did, but I don’t love it enough to do it all day long so somehow Garry knew this about people. He could recognize where people belonged in the entertainment industry just based on what part of the baseball field they excelled in.

Garry’s career started as a result of being a sick child. While he is a stellar director and very good at it, writing is where he has invested the majority of his time. He practically lived in his bed and told me he has over 120 allergies which made raising him extraordinarily difficult. Daydreaming was the catalyst for him, but he learned to see the humor in everything. His book ‘Wake Me When It’s Funny’ was his way of saying humor was the only thing holding his interest. I think it’s great that he identified the part of his life that gave him the most joy. If you have seen any of his TV Shows like Happy Days or Laverne & Shirley, his sick childhood didn’t seem to hold him back from daydreaming his way into a solid career.

Daydreaming can be a hurdle. I’ve talked before about how daydreaming of girls and boys in school kills the learning process, but is there a way we can actualize our daydreaming?

Most of my daydreaming in my life has either been about relationships or material acquisitions. You may have met someone who lives thousands of miles away and you wish you could be with them so you look out the window as though longing for something will get you there. You may dream of having a big house and then your daydreaming takes you on a thought process where you are picking out linens and window coverings, but your bank balance is sitting in the hole. I have found this kind of daydreaming to be crippling. It’s not inspiring and it doesn’t go anywhere.

I think Garry knew that he had been dealt the sick card as a child and he could either just lie in a depressed state about it, or he could recognize that he thankfully wasn’t allergic to his pen and paper and he ran with that. Before looking at lofty almost unattainable goals, I think it’s more important to get in touch with our spirit like he did. He seemed to be forced to choose his career and sometimes life hands us some really crappy cards where we have to be forced to make decisions. I recognize that I am really a home body, so I have been setting myself up for years to work at home. Had I gone the acting route, I am sure that sitting on sets for 18-20 hours a day like I was doing would have become old and I would have longed for my hiking and my animals! At the time, acting seemed like a better choice. I am glad I read his book and I am glad that I re-routed myself at the time I did because writing, whether songs, blogs or creative writing gives me so much joy. I am thankful I wasn’t sick as a child like he was, but I am envious he found his career so early!

After realizing what I loved, what I felt good at and what matched my personality, I had to streamline my daydreaming. I have learned to daydream about the journey and the process now which is a bit tricky. If you want a house in the country, you can’t fantasize about how you would decorate it, you have to give some thought to how you would pay for it and assert your energy in that direction. Valuable time gets wasted imagining friends coming over on Saturday nights, backyard BBQs and what color your furnishings will be. There’s lots of time for those things when the goal is realized.

How can we put the same creative effort into our work? We all seem to know how to dream about the potential soul mate, but how about brainstorming some ways to get our career healthy instead? I believe that by refocusing our thoughts into things that can be tangible will assist us in arriving at our goals anyways. Then, when you are ready to make the move into that new relationship or home or whatever you can think about all that stuff then.

I believe there’s a time to think about everything…in its time. Creative thinking and brainstorming feels way better than fantasizing about things which if they don’t happen can throw us deeper into Depression.

I throw like a girl,

Karen :)

“Talking with a friend is nothing else but thinking aloud.” ~Joseph Addison

What if it all Means Something?

That is the title of a Chantal Kreviazuk track I was listening to.

Remember around the time my Grandmother passed away, a whole slew of other sad things were going on around me? There’s an old saying that bad things happen in threes, but that has never applied to me. It happens in tens, twenties or dozens and dozens.

The good news is, the community is growing. When I was truly isolated, I had one problem; Depression. I’ll tell you what, though…that sucker equals about 500 problems, so it’s comparable.

I was thinking that even though I am hearing oh so many problems, I don’t feel the weight like my Depression. I think because I really owned that problem but it’s also debilitating so you can’t really function.

Mothers amaze me. I am watching quite a few people go through hospital encounters right now and all I can see is these amazing women in charge of the situations with great big wings on their backs. I bet if you were to ask them, their hearts would be breaking because they have so much love and compassion. Their hurts don’t debilitate them though. This is amazing to me. How on earth do we function when the very person we love is lying in a hospital bed? Why aren’t we crying in a corner somewhere in a catatonic state?

Maybe it’s not happening TO us, maybe we simply aren’t seeing the bigger job we are already doing. We seem to be doing the tasks, showing up when needed, offering up love and inspirational wisdom but do we really notice it is where we are supposed to be?

Some people are not good at being supportive and strong in tough times. I also think it’s too much to tell someone to ‘be strong’ when they are hurting. But from a bird’s eye view, I am seeing strength!

I see so many sad people, I see so many hurting people. Compassion for them like I’ve mentioned before shouldn’t be a burden, it should be igniting our hearts to help! Generally a person who is there to help doesn’t know it’s a job, it’s just instinctive, but make no mistake, that person is providing an invaluable service to the people who are hurting.

I’ve been looking at my own heart lately and evaluating my pain. My heart can bleed fairly easily for those who are going through something, but I feel like I have found this new chamber where I am seeing the beauty in really ugly scenarios. These Moms I have mentioned remind me of my own Mother who took on more than her share. How much it must pain parents to see their child or spouse lying in a hospital bed and yet, they are exactly where they are supposed to be. It’s this higher calling that they might not be aware of because like the adrenaline that kicks in which makes a person able to lift a car off of someone, these people aren’t always sure where their strength is coming from. They might even be shaking their fists into the sky asking, ‘Why Me?’ when the answer to me seems so obvious. ‘Because you are the best person to be in this place at this time and you are needed.’

I also tried a different viewpoint on this. What if you took the blood relation or marriage out of the equation. What if you found yourself at the bedside of a man you didn’t know or a child you didn’t give birth to. What if a big glowing light appeared in front of you and said, ‘This is your purpose, this is your higher calling, this is your job to simply go love this person.’ Could you do it? If all you were ever responsible for was to take care of that one person, would you be able to? I think the answer most people would give would be ‘yes’ because first of all, the big light having a voice might freak you out enough to do it and I think most people have the love (and are equipped) to pull it off.

Where things get complicated is when we already have a relationship with that person. When a child you gave birth to is experiencing kidney failure or when the man you are deeply in love with has heart complications, it’s not very easy to recognize that you might be in this situation for a greater purpose. What if the child was abandoned and had no one there to love them, could you step in? What if that man wasn’t your husband, could you be there for him? Can we zoom out far enough to look down and see how and why we are interwoven the way we are?

I’m not suggesting it’s a good idea to separate our relationship from the people, but I find it interesting to imagine different scenarios for the purpose of seeing our purpose. I think it’s completely awesome and humbling when we are thought of so highly, that we are entrusted with providing love for someone. It seems like we are chosen warriors in a film. I’m not suggesting the focus should be on our rewards, but rather I view it as a way to see the situation for what it really is, outside of our breaking hearts. We are all so needed! THAT is what is making me smile.

Depression isn’t a challenge for us to overcome, it’s a debilitating burden we need to fix. If we can get our spirits healthy, we too can experience the bigger joy in helping others and that is where we can truly overcome any challenges that come our way ,recognizing that we have a greater purpose in it all.

Wondering why every warrior film has to have a full choir backing it,

Karen :)

“Be larger than your task.” ~Orison Swett Marden
He also said, “Our trials, our sorrows, and our grieves develop us.”

Did Someone Rip Your Head Off?

"Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something." - ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Today, I took the brunt of someone’s frustration with someone else in their life. It’s a classic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Luckily, I understand it’s not me, so I don’t have to internalize it and feel bad.

This happens in relationships where we are someone’s punching bag. If the H. Jackson Brown Jr quote is true that everyone is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something, then it would stand to reason we all have the capability of running into someone at the exact moment they are experiencing something scary.

It reminds me of a time I was at the Airport and someone freaked out quickly and said, ‘My contact lens! Everybody stop!’ Well, there must have been many sympathetic people who have lost their lenses before because they obeyed the guy immediately. Everyone froze as though they were turned to stone by a wicked witch. They had the respect to sympathize because they had been through it. Most people instinctively crouched instead of walked and started to scour the floor. Someone finally pointed and said there it is and the person who lost it, picked it up and walked over and gave a very grateful handshake with a big smile and said thank you. Their thank you was followed up by an apology to everyone for snapping their heads off at the moment they realized they lost it.

This is a case of cutting each other some slack because the people who also wear contact lenses could relate to the loss the man was feeling.

People who have fully experienced fear and loss seem to be the best at giving hugs. They have the ability to diagnose the problem almost without asking and I think they put themselves in the shoes of the truly sad. They can put themselves there easily because they have either been there or are going through the same thing at the same time.

It’s one thing to comfort sadness, but I believe it’s a completely different skill to comfort anger. It’s so easy to think it’s directed to us especially if they are within inches of our face. Now I have always said that we don’t have to be anyone’s punching bag, but in the same token, if it truly isn’t towards us, if we are just witnessing frustration, the best thing we can do is crouch down and help look for the lens. The people at the airport were interested in a solution first. Then they all smiled and giggled at the hot-headed man because I think they may have done the same thing; that is what it means to cut each other some slack.

The brunt of frustration that I received wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. I tried to focus on coming to a quick sympathetic solution and then it calmed down fairly quickly. I received an apology and we laughed about it. I cut the slack because I recognized that I had done the same thing to someone who didn’t deserve it. It’s another form of paying-it-forward. Had it escalated to the point where it passed into abusive language, that would be a different story. This was a fairly easy fix when rational dialog was applied. I just received it at the exact time of day they were feeling especially hot-headed. No big deal, people are passionate.

December can be a different type of stress for people too. The holiday season is supposed to be cheerful, but truthfully, it’s a time when people really beat themselves up for not having the money for gifts. If you are starting off with new kids in the family, my humble suggestion is to set a standard of one or two gifts in the event that in future years you don’t have the money. I think too many people have gone overboard in the past, so the expectation is to one-up the last year or at least match it. But, kids are more resilient than we think. If we explain that money is tight and that it’s just a situation that has nothing to do with our love for them, most kids (if we give them the credit) are pretty understanding. Taking them to see less fortunate people can also put it in perspective. There are things in this life that truly deserve our attention and our frustration over the small things.

It’s good to know that we aren’t alone in our fear, frustration, anger and loss. There is a good chance someone you meet today will be feeling it. The best thing we can do is show some tolerance, cut some slack and offer a hug or solution.

I am so impressed with how many people in my life have offered to be a listener. That is more valuable to most people. Coming to a solution is much easier than trying to get rid of fear and the feeling of loss.

Glad I don’t wear contact lenses, they sound like they cost a hundred thousand dollars each,

Karen :)

One of my very favorite quotes;

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~Plato

Can You Finally Just Ditch It?

In my cleaning lately (with intent on moving at some point) I have run across several memories of yesteryears. These are things that I have simply had to look at and say, “Do I use this, yes or no?” and that is about the extent of the deciding factor in whether or not I keep it. That is the simplified version of cleaning things out.

I’ve moved many times in my life and have gone through many hellish moments where I sat cross-legged on the floor, on the couch, on my bed and stared at some old memory which didn’t make me feel good. It could have been a letter, a picture, a gift or dried-up flower.

I’ve done this with emails too and I noticed a comment from a friend who said he was going through his email account and finally ditching the emails from his ex-wife when they were first getting to know each other. I think we all have a huge history of things like that. The idea of keeping them is great if you stay together forever. You’d hate to ditch them in the event that you got back together so there you are tethered to something where you aren’t holding on and you aren’t letting go. I have cleaned house on many accounts like that over the years where I asked myself why I was keeping them and what purpose it served.

Some people have the miraculous gift of being able to catalog all memories like chapters of a book where they can look back at past relationships and openly view them as chapters which have contributed to who we are. But the problem is when our emotions sit in a state of limbo much like what I suspect happened with these emails he is ditching. I think he maybe asked himself if it was time to get rid of them now or maybe it hurt him too much to see them, so he is ditching them to start fresh.

I think the mind obviously has to be in sync with the action, but sometimes a simple action like ditching the reminder can assist us in our healing. Maybe he is making room for new possibilities which would be an exciting angle to take! I would hope though that by cleaning it out, he has decided that they simply serve no purpose in contributing something positive to his spirit. That is my reason for ditching things like that.

Pictures might be the most painful (or maybe a wedding video would be worse) but the photos might be the most common thing. The paper they are printed on seems like something you shouldn’t throw out and for the most part they are stored in corners of our house that when we look at them simply remind us of how crappy of a house-keeper we are. Lol And who wants THAT reminder, right?

Again, my biggest assessment in ditching things is “Do I use this, yes or no?” but that could morph easily into, ‘Is this person part of my life, yes or no?’ and if the answer is no, what does keeping a photo or letter assist in accomplishing? The better question might be, ‘Is this person a healthy part of my life?’ I don’t throw away items from my Mother who died because she was an inspiring and loving part of my life and very involved in developing my character.

I feel it is extraordinarily painful to see the reminders of things we consider a failure but I think the more painful thing lying in the heart of the matter is our broken heart. I think we should do whatever we need to in order to get it healed so that we can look forward with bright eyes and live the life we were meant to. If that means photos and letters go in the garbage, so be it. They are material things that can be heavy weights on our hearts and those items are NOT the person anyways. If you have made a choice to not be with or around the individual, keeping the remnants can be poisonous and send our unhealthy spirits into a whirlwind of self-destruction.

My thought is that if you were to ever meet up with the person again, you could start fresh and create new memories anyways. It’s detrimental to a reunion to bring old skeletons along for the ride anyways.

My skeletons are only allowed to come along if they pick up an instrument. ;)

Finally ditched my 5 year old Tortilla chip with the smiley face on it,

Karen :)

“Too many people have been analyzing their pasts, their childhoods, their memories, their parents, and realizing that it doesn't do anything-or that it doesn't do enough.”
~James Hillman

What Are You Getting From the Internet?

“I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection.” ~Leonardo da Vinci

If you look at the quote long enough, you might think it’s a bit creepy. Who would smile in trouble? I think it’s like a comedian laughing in the face of adversity. People like Bill Cosby have been making us laugh about our struggles for many years.

The gathering of ‘strength from distress part’ is something that I never understood until I actually did that. It’s like when you have the extra adrenaline kick in at the end when you think you have nothing left.

‘Growing brave by reflection’ is multi-faceted to me. Do you remember the picture online of the kitty who looks in the mirror and sees a lion looking back at him? Or how about on SNL when Stuart Smalley says, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me?”

Reflection to me also is the deep root of philosophy and why I love to dissect everything and rip stuff apart. I do this when I am working on music as well. Someone will send me tracks and I will have to solo parts to see what needs the attention. I feel like reflection is a bit different than stewing. I view reflection as a cool place we arrive at where we can look at ourselves, our situation and past things that have happened and grow brave from it all instead of it making us fearful. How many times have you looked back through a photo album and saw people from your past and past relationships? It can make you smile, cry or feel completely awful. Regret and sadness can make us feel worthless or even long for things the way they used to be.

It was Teresa Clayton who had asked me about the topic of love and friendship within the internet community. Teresa is awesome at showing love and friendship and I think of her often when I think about online friendship. I was thinking this morning about how an online community has become more of a friend for many people than real people.

We seem to be in a cool new phase of friendship on the net. For a while, there I was hearing everyone becoming fearful of people not interacting with each other in real life…but I am feeling that shift now.
The good part of having these online friendships is people feel much safer (I don’t mean about online stalking etc) but safer opening up to each other. The thing about consolidated words in email, comments or even video is people feel like they have a bit of time to digest what they are hearing and prepare something they want to say. The communication seems better overall, but I think the best thing that happens which can really cultivate an online friendship is safety in being honest. When you have to live with the consequence of someone at home, you have to react quickly and you might be so cluttered by the things that are going on, your communication becomes messy and you say things that you either don’t mean or you were pressured by time to say. Again though, I don’t think people feel like what they say to someone online holds the same consequence. Keep in mind, this is in friendship…people have no problem offending in other corners of the net, but I don’t go there. J

Of course there are hiccups in online communities but I think there could be more hiccups if all these people got in the room with each other. It would be awesome to meet some of our online friends, but most people feel like the friends they have picked online are a good escape and you can go to them when you want. It feels more like what friendship SHOULD be.

It is however indicative of how cluttered we must feel at home. Not all of us, of course. Many people have a good home life too. I do have some concerns that people are looking for love online when they don’t feel it at home. But you know what? Why shouldn’t they? I don’t mean this romantically, that’s a whole different topic. Why shouldn’t we have these awesome friendships online where we can see others smile in their trouble, who gather strength from the things that make them distressed and witness other people growing brave by reflection instead of fear or regret. We can find great leaders, great examples of love and friendship and many overcomers!

I believe the key though is to use the good parts of online community for our growth and to help others. When we find ourselves in high-tension arenas fighting over things that don’t matter, it becomes counter-productive. I hear many people who feel guilty about the time they spend online and we shouldn’t feel guilty about that if it’s nurturing us or we can nurture someone else. It’s only when we leave the computer feeling worse than when we sat down.

We are living in times where our technology can help us help each other IF that is our goal. Every time I sit in front of my computer, I am extremely mindful of how my time is spent. I don’t go to gossip or rant sites and I don’t engage in unhealthy conversation. If I get up and walk away feeling like I just killed time, It’s not good for me. There is nothing wrong with using it as entertainment (God knows I have watched my share of animal videos on it) but for the most part, I view the internet as a means to reach people and to feel a sense of love and compassion from people who want the same thing.

Something Teresa wrote on my page, “Amazing how a community can come together at the drop of a dime, forget their own drama and focus on sending healing love to each other.” I think the reason for this is because we place value on our friendships and therefore we protect them. For many of us, our online community is the one thing that is going well in our life. It’s like our last chocolate brownie. You will kill to defend it or you will die trying. ;)

I am constantly evaluating my online time so that it is always moving things forward positively. The internet has become a way of life and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing so long as we don’t feel depleted when we walk away. The better question should be, ‘What is the Internet Getting From Me?

Resisting the urge to type ‘cute puppies running around’ in the youtube search window,

Karen :)

“Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it.” ~Leonardo da Vinci

Do You Have Trust Issues?

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

‘But I’ve been burned!’ That is the statement I hear echoing through the chambers of the net when I say that. It reminds me of when W.C Fields said, “You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.” As funny as that quote is, that is how jaded we have become.

I do think William Shakespeare had a good balance when he said, “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” It seems about right.

I’m letting everyone know that STEVER CDs are available on the ‘pay when you can’ program. I have had people say, “How can you trust anyone to actually pay you?” My response is, “I like to be trusted, so I extend trust.” But I always follow up by saying, “If this was a piece of studio equipment I was selling on Ebay for $2000, I would get the money upfront. But this is 15 bucks.”

This seems to be how we work through life. If you take your car into the mechanic and he is changing the belt, you just trust him to use the belt he thinks will work. If the car needs significant work, you may opt to take it in for a second opinion or to someone you already trust. There are certain people in our world who we say we ‘trust with our life’ and other people who we ‘can’t trust as far as we could throw them’.

I think what has happened to people is we forget to extend trust to the smaller things. If you are going to meet someone for coffee, you just trust they will show up at the donut shop. You don’t get all hyper-sensitive and not make the meeting because you have trust issues that they won’t show up.

Unfortunately, some things in life require bigger trust in order to take a bigger step forward. For many of us, we know this as risk. If you’ve been in bad relationships, you may be too shy to try another one. You opt to live by yourself instead of trying again because the last half a dozen people broke your heart and your trust.

I think it’s important to handle people like that with care. I was thinking about the kitties I mentioned in yesterday’s blog who need a home. I was thinking about how when they do go to a new place, their instinct will be to trust nobody for a while. I’ve always said with cats, you have to let them come out from under the bed when they are ready to. A cat could stay under a bed in a new place for weeks before integrating themselves into the new place. Dogs sometimes will place too much trust too soon in people which makes them an easy target for abuse. I notice the alley cats that live here won’t let anyone come near them, but finally after watching them for many years, the lady next door pet one recently. She was patient and had the time to dedicate to winning their trust.

The whole thing I have learned about trust is that not everyone is a bad guy. I have had enough garbage happen to me that I could probably be warranted in saying I wasn’t going to trust anyone ever again. But I don’t want to live this way. It’s crippling to me and unfair to others around me. I think it’s good to be aware and listen to our instinct so we can protect ourselves, I just believe we should do it reasonably and with proper assessment and good judgment.

I like the idea of trusting people because the risk to reward ratio has turned out pretty good. I shouldn’t let the one bad apple spoil the bag.

I figure that I am a good person worthy of trust so I imagine I am not the only person out there who feels that way. There seems to be many people who live with a certain amount of integrity and hold true to their word. By extending some trust and taking a bit of risk, I am getting to know these lovely souls who I wouldn’t want to lose from my life.

I feel like I understand the balance of human nature a bit better to know now that when there is someone who breaks it, I can come to a quicker understanding that not everyone is like that. It’s a good reminder to not generalize anyone and stick them in a group.

Thinking that we grow so we can’t hide under the bed anymore…
Karen :)

“Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Are Your Emotions Making You Inactive?

You may have remember me mentioning how our friend Anja who owns the Border Collie named Panda got involved in the rescue of two other Collies. She along with many other people saved the dogs from being euthanized pretty much on the day they were set to be destroyed.

Anja shared with me how hard it was on her being a Border Collie owner herself. It’s so easy for our emotions to take over.

One of my friends on FB, Missy is the owner of two cats; Ape & Monkey who need homes by the end of this month. I know these kitties because I sent them a CD before. It’s funny how I mentioned Panda the Border Collie having a photo with a signed CD. Lol

These gorgeous kitty sisters live in Ohio. Their names are Ape & Monkey. Ape looks a lot like my Filthy cat but looks a lot like Teresa Clayton’s cat named Romeo! So, needless to say, I can get emotionally wrapped up in the welfare of any of these pets I have come to know.

Missy told me that Ape and Monkey are good girls who need a home due to losing theirs. This is a reality in America especially where people are overwhelmed at losing their own homes and so unfortunately the sad reality is that when you are trying to survive yourself, and you are losing everything, pets have to go to new homes. It’s extremely gut-wrenching for all of us who have a heavy heart for people and animals.

Having a heavy and compassionate heart has been a burden for me and it is for most sympathetic people. The problem is that while our emotions are indicative of our level of compassion, they can be both a burden and a hurdle.

Over the years my emotions have caused me to lose sleep. Most people don’t lie in bed and think of solutions for their problems, we tend to stew over them. It’s extraordinarily sad to think someone is losing their home and that animals need homes, but I have found my own emotions have stood in my way.

I have learned to like the quote, ‘Action is the antidote to despair.’ When our minds wander in hundreds of directions, we feel both overwhelmed by emotion and tired because of it. Then we render ourselves completely useless in finding a solution. When I feel my mind wander too much, I go back to my list and the task that is in front of me. I have managed to make my sleep sacred over the years now because I make a list, a game-plan and leave my list away from my bedroom. If I am faced with dilemmas, I look for viable solutions now rather than allowing my shaky emotions to make decisions.

Compassion is not a bad thing. I am very unwilling to give it up. It can initiate a lot of good and cause people to move towards action. Overwhelming sadness however doesn’t really accomplish anything except for debilitating us.

Many people are going through this because of lost jobs, lost homes, lost pets and many other things they have to surrender. We can throw ourselves into a tail-spin when ranting about who did it to us, or we can take matters into our own hands and figure out the solution to the problem. I believe we can’t wait for someone to knock on our door and offer a job, money or homes for our pets. I am not suggesting people aren’t doing enough, I am only saying that sadness while very real, doesn’t really pay the bills. Of course these are very sad things I am talking about here. If you feel compassion or sadness, bless your heart! You are alive! But those emotions should only be the key in the ignition. They don’t provide the gas and money for car repairs.

I am personally learning to be more decisive now and more pro-active. The two things I don’t allow to drive my car is angry outbursts and tears. I can get those emotions out quickly if needed, but they don’t hold the power to make real change happen.

I have compassion for people indeed, but I have a very soft spot for children and animals. Hearing any of these stories can rip my heart out if I allow them to. Now, I just resolve to do what I can and I don’t own anyone’s problems. However, I don’t get too angry with pet owners because for one, that anger does nothing and two; it might not be their fault that things got so out-of-control.

I also find omitting the emotion makes room for action and makes helping someone pretty easy. I can be more helpful to more people if I detach the emotion a bit and insert action. I never realized how many years I wasted from simply being too sad about everything. Now I don’t find being helpful as much of a burden.

Funny how I am seeing Filthy’s spirit everywhere, wonder if he’s the guy behind the curtain,

Karen :)

“The individual is capable of both great compassion and great indifference. He has it within his means to nourish the former and outgrow the latter.” ~Norman Cousins