‘Are You Lying to Someone?’

“Lying to someone you love to keep them happy is like a doctor giving out cigarettes to his lung cancer patients to keep them coming.” I saw that on someone’s status update.

Some people will tell you little white lies are ok. You know the kind, ‘I’m washing my hair tonight, sorry I can’t make it’ or ‘I have a headache, I can’t make it to your show’. You’ve heard me say before that my standard answer is, ‘I don’t want to.’ I say that because it’s true. :)

Then there are the medium lies we tell that involve fantasy-based characters being the mascots for the Holidays.

The lies which sting are when you say you can’t come to a party and then the host of that party sees you down at the Liquor Store dressed to the nines because you are going somewhere else. Ouch.

How about the lies we tell to cover up bits of our past that are either embarrassing or could be harmful to the current relationship? Maybe it isn’t a full-on lie, maybe it’s a cover-up.

Maybe we aren’t lying but instead just not defending the truth.

A lie isn’t what tends to hurt us, it’s the consequence of the lie. However we will tell our partners we can handle anything so long as it’s the truth. We will say we don’t appreciate being lied to.

If someone cheats on us, we’ll rant and rave about how it was the lie that got us. “Yeah, he cheated and then lied about it.” Well the truth is the cheating is what hurts us. The consequence is that they can’t be trusted. If the lie bugged us so much, we’d be mad about Santa and the Easter Bunny too…but we still get presents, so who cares, right?

The part that we are ashamed us usually isn’t the lie, it’s the act. Then, people are generally only sorry when they get caught in the act or caught lying.

It’s almost impossible to heal anything with an ongoing lie, but if you are ready to fess up to something, you better be ready to face the consequence that goes with it. Like giving yourself up to the police, you may get a lesser sentence, but you are still going to do the time.

What I am finding with many people is nobody seems to think telling the truth is very convenient. This is especially true when there is cheating or even just a ‘loss of love’ like admitting you simply don’t love someone. If you rely on your spouse for money or financial support, it’s imperative to keep the lie going so you don’t end up homeless.

In looking back at the original, “Lying to someone you love to keep them happy is like a doctor giving out cigarettes to his lung cancer patients to keep them coming.” I think the problem is that when we are stuck in a lie like that, we may think we are keeping them happy, but we never seem to consider our own happiness. I don’t mean the kind of happiness that keeps you going to a hotel room every other night or affords you the time to hang at a bar with the boys, but the happiness knowing your character is in check.

What if we took them out of the equation altogether, can we look at ourselves in the mirror and feel ok about whatever we are lying about? Can this also enter as a factor in ditching the lie? What does it say about us when we have to lie?

Another thing to consider is what does it say about our situation is we have to lie? Are we in something really unhealthy for our spirit? Are we trapped by not just the lie, but by people or surroundings? Is the lie maybe just an indication of a much bigger problem? How do we free ourselves of the lie and the all the circumstances which helped to cultivate the lie?

Everyone feels justified for lying otherwise, nobody would do it. But if you really feel like you have a good solid reason for lying and for argument sake, we’ll say you are justified, what are you covering up, protecting or just really knee-deep in that is so important that your spirit is being compromised?

I’ve had many years of adjusting in my life and the best thing I have ever done was switched into spirit-protection mode. It’s where I have assessed what is good for my spirit and what isn’t. It’s where I hire armed guards to watch out for me while I sleep. This protection is meant to always keep my character in alignment. I figure if I make every decision based on what is best for my spirit, my problems and issues won’t bleed into the lives of others. It’s what stops a person from cheating on someone just because they cheated on you. It stops us from seeking revenge or doing harm to others. I find it quite self-regulating.

So yes, lying to someone to keep them happy is pretty ridiculous no matter the reason. I’ve even said children are more resilient than we give them credit for. I know a boy right now who has seen more from his parents than maybe what he should, but he has a very clear idea of what is going on and he can talk quite openly about their situation. Is it dysfunctional? Maybe. But he’s not being lied to and therefore he gets to assess it based on the truth and because the truth of his parents really awful relationship is out in the open, other people can talk openly to the boy and he knows it’s not his fault. This is a good thing.

I’m more concerned that people are lying to themselves and therefore are chipping away at their own character which is of greater concern. The fear is that once we have hurt our spirit, we can’t get it back. But we too are resilient and we get to have new beginnings. We are equipped and we can start fresh with a new protective liner on our spirit. We just have to make it our priority and get rid of the lies to start. Just like demolishing a house to build a new one, it’s pretty ugly for a while.

Maybe next time someone asks me to do something, I’ll change my ‘I don’t want to’ to ‘No thank you.’ It sounds a bit nicer, doesn’t it? ;)

Karen :)

“I do myself a greater injury in lying than I do him of whom I tell a lie.” ~Michael de Montaigne

The Genuine, the Jerks and the Greedy

It seems like these are the general classifications we give others around us.

There are the lovely people who we put high on a pedestal; we wish we were more like them.

There are the idiots who we feel were simply born that way and there is no turning them around.

Then there are people who seem to have everything, want more and everything that drives them is based on greed.

Then we tack “The End” onto it…because, uh we don’t know what else to add to those sentences.

It seems like an obstacle or too much of a bother to really continue any of the phrases. They seem complete, right? He’s lovely, she’s an idiot and they’re greedy. The End.

Well in good philosophical fashion (with an added determination to figure some stuff out…lol) I can never let the period at the end of a sentence be. I hate when a good film ends but more so, I hate when a brutal story ends badly.

Now not everyone is unwilling to continue their thoughts. Some do it eloquently and some kick the crap out of the sentence. I land somewhere in the middle. I strive for eloquence but then sometimes I add on too much. ;)

If we think someone is lovely, we don’t bother emulating them, asking them for advice or delving into what makes them so nice. If someone is a jerk, we aren’t terribly interested in what caused it. If someone is greedy, we don’t want to know how they arrived at that solution for their life.

We’d rather, ‘ignore them’, ‘kill them’, ‘ostracize them’, ‘argue with them’ or ‘lock ‘em up’.

Yup. That is our grand solution from what we consider the highest form of intelligence on the planet.

It’s a very sad situation which I think calls for us to examine our views, not to change their consequences. Our only responsibility on this planet is to keep our own mind in alignment for how we can be really good stewards of the planet. I believe being good a steward means we look after the earth and all that is in it. Our job isn’t to control any one thing or person that is on it.

So how can we give up this control? Well, you may say the planet needs controlling more than ever. I urge you to really think about that statement before jotting it down and consider how out of control ‘control’ has become. Of course there are consequences for actions and I hear the ‘karma’s gonna getcha’ saying too much. I believe this calls for us to look at our own spirit in an effort to be the ideal person and avoid becoming that which we truly hate. Many people will say we have become a lazy society. I’m not really interested in those kinds of generalizations because they don’t actually fix anything. I am very interested however in what I can do as an individual to be the best steward I can be.

I’ve blogged extensively about getting to the root of a problem, but I think it’s also worthwhile to go back and find the root of things that flourish. When you see someone lovely, how did they get that way?

Do you have the ability to go back really far to see how someone became the way they did? At the very least do you have the desire to become the type of person who seeks a solution? Do you hack at the plant or get to its roots? Maybe sometimes we need to just sit back and observe how the plant grows before grabbing weed whackers or poison.

Do you see problematic people as problems or are you able to view it as a challenge and opportunity to invoke change?

I believe having an understanding of why people are the way they are doesn’t stop them from suffering their own consequences, I think it just puts us in a better frame of mind to figure out the best solution and start solving problems instead of adding to them.

Otherwise, we can remain jaded, angry and intolerant in a world where the statistics of every bad thing is going up, not down. What if we were the generation who really did start making an impact? If we strive for this mentality, we might not fix a single thing, but we can be very proud of our character and how we aren’t the ones who contributed to the staggering number of people who fight, gossip, bicker and control each other.

Who knows? In our trailblazing, we might even stumble across a way to become one of the lovely folks.

Much love on ya!

Karen :)

“Astonishment is the root of philosophy.” ~Paul Tillich

How Well is your Home Built?

Do you live in or have you lived in a house or apartment that is built like a complete piece of crap?

I’ve lived in both well built and sketchy. I grew up in a farmhouse that was close to a few hundred years old. It felt quite solid the whole time we lived there which you soon find out living in Canada when winds, storms or tornados pass through. When the house was demolished, the beams were exposed and they seemed originally hand-chiseled by what I think was an axe. They had all these magnificent grooves in them and the ends were Roman numerals to number them all. But even this old beauty had its faults. The twenty rooms of the giant sat on support beams that were dangerously close to collapsing from powder beetles taking over. The cost of fixing it would have been too much for any rural family. (that wasn’t why it was demolished though, a car plant took over eventually)

I’ve had my share of apartment living where everything breaks constantly and you have to fight with a landlord to get just one percentage of it fixed.

I have also lived in subdivision housing. The builders smack up as many houses as they can in order to turn a quick profit, but man, are they constructed like garbage. A small wind becomes terrifying and you are driven to the basement for fear you are going to be flattened.

I think of how much money I spent on putty and filler for cracks. I bet everyone who lives in newer housing can look at the top of one of their doorways and see cracks from "the foundation settling". It’s mostly because there is no time to let anything settle and even then, the materials simply can’t handle gravity. ;)

After all of my experiences, I am determined to find a home someday where at least the foundation is solid. We spend more money on paint, drywall and the ‘fixings’ when really all that is happening is ESTHETIC MANIPULATION.

We as individuals do this too. We put cheap crappy food in our body and spend too much on hair-coloring, make-up and tanning sessions. Drinking water, exercising, eating well and getting ample sleep are really a far superior way to have the glow you are looking for.

But all esthetics aside, the biggest thing most of us forget to concentrate on is the building of our character. Character is something you can’t see as a physical form, so it goes unattended and unfortunately gets ignored. It’s easy for the powder beetles to eat away at our spirit but if nobody else sees it, why fix it, right?

I have to remind myself DAILY to work on my insides in the hopes I will feel better all over.

Investing in your own character costs very little (sometimes nothing but time) and is perhaps the best investment one could ever make. I think most people would agree, we just need these reminders. ;)

Spend some time with you doing something you love!

Karen :)

"Decorate yourself from the inside out." ~Terri Guillemets

Addressing the Elephant in the Room

I just finished listening to a person in the one of the companies I am involved with give a really eloquent, uplifting speech.

I almost hate to call it that because it was more open dialogue. Unlike a motivational speech which just bolsters the spirit of people for a short snap of time, he managed to actually heal the team. He did it by doing a few things. He addressed the elephant in the room head-on (as opposed to dancing around or skirting the issue), showed a huge amount of compassion to the feelings of others around him (and listened to their case) and offered encouragement individually to the strengths of each person (and reaffirmed what an asset they are). After addressing the individual problems, he moved on to address the company’s problems and then ended with how excited he was about the positive aspects and the bright future for everyone. The whole dialogue wasn’t necessarily ‘pretty’ but I did find it productive and organized.

I think it’s fair to say hurt feelings can kill the dynamic of any relationship, business or otherwise. You may have seen a recent status update where I wrote; "Even if someone's insecurity or amount of sensitivity seems irrational to me, doesn't mean I shouldn't be sensitive to their feelings. What a lesson!" It was a thought that had come to me late last night because I watched it happen. I witnessed a dysfunctional scenario where I couldn’t believe the person in the company was being so irrational and overly sensitive. I don’t believe I or anyone else has the job of toughening that person up or to make them suck it up. I do however think the person’s dysfunctional attitude shouldn’t be allowed to continue where they are a drain to everyone around them, but this doesn’t mean it can’t be handled like a pro as opposed to a schoolyard bully.

In the first paragraph, this person’s calm, well-articulated demeanor was the absolute catalyst in the healing I mentioned. My point is that I truly believe we all have the capability to heal relationships and get the job done. It’s a specialized craft and I believe it’s an exquisite art form.

Most of my life I have not possessed this and I consider it for the most part a gift that few people get. I used to chalk it up to "Oh well, some people get the gift (i.e. patience) and others don’t. Guess I didn’t get that gift." But now, I feel determined to just find the best people to learn the skill set from. If I was truly born impatient and hot-headed, can I not just acquire skills like a tradesman? How many people will tell you they are going to college or university to learn a skill or get a degree? Is it possible that "If you can dream it, you can do it" shouldn’t just apply to a career, but maybe also our character?

I just want to move ahead, I am so tired of holding onto bitterness and I’m just nicely smoothing out the furrow between my brows. It feels so much better being part of something that is healing.

Much love on ya!
Karen :)

"To keep your character intact you cannot stoop to filthy acts. It makes it easier to stoop the next time." ~Katharine Hepburn