When Your Crush is Not Reciprocated

I guess it’s happened enough times to me now that I will discuss the topic. I have online friends who now and then will send me a harsh message followed up by blocking or deleting me. I’m usually left in a state of, ‘Wow, no idea what happened there.’

The human imagination is pretty powerful. I love that it can lift a plane off the ground or send people into orbit. I love that it can write a song or paint a picture. I love that it can make us laugh, giggle and have a good time.

The human mind however has the tendency to create falsehoods that aren’t even real based on what I would call a ‘colorful imagination’.

For many years online, I have been pretty clear about my intent without trying to be assuming with everyone’s intent. Right in my bios, I have written, ‘only online for friendship’ or ‘only interested in friendship’ or ‘I love you guys tone, but please keep it pro’.

Some people are really cool and will just need a one sentence clarification from me to clear up why I am online. Others react according to a movie that has obviously played out in their mind.

Imagine watching 10 minutes of a film, leaving to go run some errands and returning home to catch the paramount part of the film where one line all comes together. You would feel like you missed a lot, right? Well some people will play a whole movie out in their heads about relationships they are developing and the character they inserted in their imagination doesn’t get to be let in on what they are thinking. They just give them the first line of the movie and the last line they are to deliver. That’s how I feel.

The kind of confusing message happens to me when I go about my daily work life, check my email and the last line of the film I know nothing about is there. All other topics aside for a minute, if you want to really annoy me, just send me one random line and don’t let me know what you are talking about.

The whole thing is, I probably won’t spend too much time investigating. I’ll ask you what you mean and then move on because I hate mind games.

I would say 80 % of these messages are from people who are delusional while the other 20 % really did think I was following a previous thought process. I’m not going to say I don’t miss a lot, because I do, but when constructing an email I think it’s smart to give a brief synopsis of the background. For instance, if you send an email which says, “2 o’clock on Wednesday”, there’s a good chance I will respond and say, “What?” Communication skills have become so poor though, that people will email me back and say things like, “don’t act like you don’t know” as though I have time to act like I don’t know.

How about, “Hey Karen, that cool TV show on puppies I was telling you about is going to air 2 o’clock on Wednesday”. Ok then! You will get a sincere, heart-felt thank you from me for sharing because first, I love pups and second of all, it was a clear email.

What happens though, is that people will become immediately offended that I didn’t recall our conversation about puppies. (which is unlikely with THAT topic, but just using it as an example…hahaha) I notice that many of these kinds of reactions come from people who don’t have as much going on in their day or maybe just a couple friends on their friend list. If I had four people on my list, I think it would be a bit easier to remember each and every interaction, but even then, people have busy lives outside the internet.

The reason I believe people become offended is because they feel like their conversation was worthless or that they were worthless if I didn’t remember having it. This is actually my inability to remember everything that takes place in a day, it’s not a reflection on how I feel towards people.

The more extreme case I will sometimes experience is when someone on my friend list thinks we are going to develop a relationship past the kind of community relationship I am interested in. That is where they write a movie in their head. If they had some high hopes about us becoming romantic or even just best buddies going for coffee and I don’t play out the film the way their script reads it, there’s a good chance I am going to be reprimanded based on something completely imagined.

It’s not a good feeling when you have a crush on someone and they don’t feel the same thing. I am mostly concerned that people are taking it way too personally as though they did everything they could to be my new best friend or romantic partner and they failed. That is not a failure, I have no intent to date online or go hang out with anyone so my intentions are what is causing the boundaries, not something a person who has a crush is doing or not doing.

I generally tell people I am too messed up and you wouldn’t want to hang with me anyways; that I am a nightmare. ;)

The best kinds of friendships and romantic relationships happen when they happen naturally. I would never want to be involved in something that I had to chase down or force, so why would anyone else want to do that? That would lead to a disaster if you have to push someone to love you.

I believe that if a crush is not reciprocated, it’s not necessarily because you are not doing everything you can to be attractive to someone, I think there are a million other possibilities inhibiting that kind of relationship and they simply might not be a good match.

I also believe it’s better to really look at relationships realistically and not play out potential scenarios in our heads. I wouldn’t suggest you imagine yourself married to someone on the first day they say hello. Wouldn’t life be more fun to just wake up and see what happens? I suspect these types of people can’t stand waiting until Christmas morning to open gifts either. Some people don’t like life’s little mysteries.

Maybe our imaginations could switch over to actually writing screen plays instead of just keeping it in our heads.

Karen :)

“If poets were realistic, they wouldn't be poets.” ~Peter Davison

Are You Swallowing Poison Over Time?

I saw that they want to cut back on the fluoride in the drinking water due to kids having too much of it. They may not take into account things like every child in my family trying to eat their toothpaste because it now tastes like candy. Maybe we don’t worry about things that are harmful over time.

If you read the ingredients on the packages of your favorite foods, I bet there are 2-10 things you can’t pronounce, don’t know the origin of it, what it’s used for or its potential damage either immediately or most likely, long term.

It’s a bit easier to document a study on physical damage. If something is scientific or touchable, we can identify it a bit easier.

What if we were to apply this same type of thinking to the things we cannot see which are making us sick over time? Relationship problems might hand out more poison during the course of our life than any external chemical in our food. This is not to say we shouldn’t be educating ourselves on what we are ingesting, but it’s cross-cancelled if we are still eating the small bits of emotional poison being ladled onto our plates every day.

For instance, a rapid fire of guilt or anger coming at you can feel heavier than everything you've already endured, but if you were to total the accumulated guilt you have felt up until now, your lid might not fit on the blender. We can sometimes think we can put up with more guilt if it's given to us in bite-size pieces. We might even think small bits are easy to recover from. On the contrary, I believe they act like small cancerous cells dispersed evenly over the body.

Identifying to me isn’t the biggest problem, though. My concern is that we know what is killing us slowly and we’re ok with it. We even laugh about it and make jokes out of it. It’s partly because it allows us to cope with the small bits of pain so we can enjoy all the good parts of the thing we are ingesting. If you eat a chocolate cookie, the best excuse to eat it is to tell yourself everyone else is doing it. You can ignore the bad ingredients by laughing at how you can’t pronounce them so you can simply consume to sweet parts without guilt.

This happens in dysfunctional relationships too. We excuse the bad behavior by cracking jokes about our partner so that we can continue in a less-than-ideal situation without being harmed by its poison. If you receive anger, guilt trips and other unacceptable behavior in your relationship because they are bite-sized and easily digestible, you could possibly be ignoring the power, not size of these cancerous growths.

If you have finally decided that a bad relationship needs to end because you are finally feeling the poison’s effects, it might take a seemingly positive turn or it the poison might rush in like a river. In the case if guilt trips, you might not be able to handle how much poison is coming so you stay there in order to alleviate the assault. A heavy assault like that can make us think it was the first time we were being poisoned when in fact, we didn’t see the tiny portions at every meal over a 5 or 10 year period.

I think the same thing applies to every drop of poison we let in our lives. Gossip, bad-mouthing, hate and violence are other things which don’t seem problematic when we watch a 5 minute broadcast or read a short article in the newspaper or online but they can manifest over time to seep in and destroy our character without us even noticing.

I know it’s difficult when the poison escalates to an intolerable level. Our bodies sometimes tell us to go back and moderate the toxin which throws many of us back into very unhealthy relationships. I think once we can identify what is destroying our character, we can ignore be aware that it can kill us slowly or quickly, but remain decided that it is in fact poison and it does have to be cut off.

If you are a compassionate soul, this might be harder to identify. I don’t think we have to lose our compassion for others when we set personal boundaries. I believe we are intelligent enough to have both.

Man, I do love chocolate, though. Not big on eating toothpaste, though…

Karen :)

“Boundaries are to protect life, not to limit pleasures.” ~Edwin Lewis Cole

10 Tips for a Better Relationship

I read this article below. My thoughts are in brackets after each point;

1. Celebrate the small stuff.
"It's not enough that your partner knows that you take pride in his or her accomplishments. You have to show it. Making a fuss over the small, good things that happen every day can boost the health of your marriage."

(I know people who have the attitude that they aren’t going to praise the little things because that is expected and ridiculous but sometimes it’s good to do it because the other person’s esteem might need it)

2. Learn how to fight productively.
"The key to fighting productively is to recognize when a disagreement is going in the wrong direction and to take steps to calm things down and repair rifts."

(I don’t think it’s necessary to fight at all. We are adults, we should act like it. However, I understand where they are going with this and I agree it’s good to have foresight. Most people know their partner well enough that everyone by now should know if it’s going to end badly)

3. Silence is not golden.
"By staying quiet and avoiding conflict when things bothered them, they had missed important opportunities to cultivate and grow their relationship."

(Again, we are adults. We should know how to communicate. I think if we feel like we aren’t getting through to someone, we should do our own character a favor and take some lessons on better communication skills. They unfortunately didn’t teach it in school very well. We just have to Google to get pointers nowadays)

4. Don't put negative thoughts into the universe.
"Men and women who had pondered thoughts of divorce in 1980 were nine times more likely to have gotten divorced by the end of the study."

(Back to what my Grampa said, “Divorce is not an option.” Well, divorce does happen but I think if we can take that away as an thought during an argument, we would be forced into coming up with a solution)

5. Plan together.
"Couples who planned a baby's arrival or who were equally joyous at becoming parents were far more likely to maintain their marital happiness or even enjoy an increase after the baby was born."

(I like seeing couples including each other in everything. I am glad to see the old-fashioned mentality of what the typical roles are melting away)

6. Maintain a circle of friends and support.
"Strong friendships outside the marriage can take the pressure off your relationship, help you work things out away from your spouse, and ultimately protect your marriage from unnecessary stress and discord."

(This is ok if you have friends who are proactive at making relationships work or don’t have a habit of bad-mouthing spouses. I believe that can pull us away from the marriage and put the grass-is-greener mentality in our heads)

7. Overcompensate for mistakes.
"Do marriage math. Even when you make a mistake, tell yourself that you're going to do at least five positive things for your spouse to make up for it, and then do them. And don't wait until you bicker to turn on the charm. Nice gestures and comments go far in a marriage, they are easy to do, and they will help insulate your marriage from being damaged by the inevitable bad days."

(Ok, I guess this can work, but I think it’s best to simply apologize and move on with the understanding of what happened and true remorse. I do agree that prevention steps are better than trying to cure something after the fact)

8. Set the marriage bar high.
"Husbands and wives who hold their partners to a reasonably high standard have better marriages. If you expect a better, more satisfying relationship, you improve your chances of having one."

(I agree and disagree. Yes there are certain things you should expect, but I suspect entitlement mentalities could creep into the picture if we aren’t careful. I think it’s more important to accept our partners for who they are, not try to change them and encourage them lovingly in a way that benefits the marriage. Being an example to them is better than telling them how to be)

9. Give it a break.
"Sometimes, improving your marriage means giving it a break. Increasing your connections with family, friends and society is good for your marriage."

(I disagree with most of this. If you have to escape your partner, you must not enjoy being with them very much. I do agree doing things for ourselves and with others is good though.)

10. Be aware of your body language.
"Eye rolling is a painfully obvious sign of contempt, and it's a powerful predictor that your relationship is in serious trouble."

(I whole-heartedly agree with this one! This is childish behavior. The thing about this title, “Be aware of your body language”; that’s silly. Everyone is brutally aware they are rolling their eyes. It’s a form of communication to let your partner know you hold contempt. I think as adults, we can communicate better than that)

Overall, I believe the problem in most relationships is the “Me” factor. I think we have to give more love and be genuinely interested in making it work because love is the most important part of life, not just our close relationships.

But what do I know? I have a history of failed relationships! ;)

Karen :)

“I hate the giving of the hand unless the whole man accompanies it.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Lies Women Love to Hear

I borrowed the title, I didn’t make it up. I read this as part of a featured blog on msn. I can’t even begin to express my annoyances! …alphabetically or chronologically?
Nah, I’m not losing sleep over it, I’ll just insert a thought (or three) after each one of hers.

1. I always want a guy to tell me I look skinny.Now, yes, I know I sound like a real anti-feminist, saying this. But it pleases me to no end when people — male and female — say things like, "My god, you're tiny!" Or, "Wow, what are you these days, a size two?" I know societal pressures have done some bad things to my body image (and to our collective body image); I won't deny that. But I do love to feel petite.
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I don’t think that has anything to do with feminism. Why don’t you love being you? Why is feeling petite the thing to make a person feel good? I don’t think there is awareness here of what societal pressures have done or it wouldn’t be added on in this manner. It’s not what I would consider ‘funny’. We seem to be excusing everything as a cute little joke. It reminds me of when people make racist jokes and then say something like, "…back when racism used to be ok."

2. I always want to hear I look shockingly young.New Friend just made things worse after the "athletic body" debacle by trying to guess my age — and he got it right on the nose. Fishing for a compliment, I said, "Ah, too bad, I actually look as old as I am, huh?" He replied, "You're incredibly well-preserved for someone your age." Oh, dear. Well-preserved?! I felt like a canned sardine. Couldn't he — just to be nice — have told me I looked like I'd just gotten back from shopping for my prom dress? Couldn't he have told me my skin looked as soft and smooth as a baby's bottom? Couldn't he, at the very least, have said, "Wow, you must be getting Botox, because you look terrific!"?
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I understand how many will compliment someone on looking young. But how is it at all helpful? Doesn’t it mean that when you don’t look young anymore, you will reflect on all the young compliments and become depressed? Ok everyone that is over 30, go curl up under a rock because your life is over. I would have lasted approx. 3 seconds talking with that person and moved onto someone who could discuss literature. Fishing for compliments usually brings up Carp. (That’s a garbage-y fish; I didn’t misspell Crap, although it works too) She just kept offering a shovel for him to throw more dirt on! I don’t think it’s good to open the door to a burglar this way. Your spirit will be robbed!

3. I also don't mind it when guys say, "Now you — you I'd sleep with!"Luckily, New Friend turned things around a few minutes later. He was describing some woman in his office who drove him nuts because she thought she was the cat's meow; she'd dissed one of New Friend's male coworkers who'd asked her out. "And this woman, she's empirically attractive, I guess," New Friend said. "But she totally lacks charisma! I'd never sleep with her — and I can't imagine too many men who would." Then, gratuitously, he turned to me, and almost out of the corner of his mouth, he said, "But you? You I'd sleep with in a second. You've got the je ne c'est quoi."Now, sure, it's a little embarrassing, a little crude, when a guy says something like this. But I like to think it's also his awkward, dorky way of flirting. Of trying to say, as directly as he can without downright asking for it, that he thinks you're hot. Call me crazy, but I find it kind of endearing.
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So, let me understand. You didn’t reply back with, "You totally lack intelligence. I’m done talking to you. I can’t imagine too many people who would talk with you." Ok, so I wouldn’t be that crude, but any person that would try to give me a prize like ‘sleeping with them’ would last less than 3 seconds. It’s not embarrassing, it’s dumb. It’s not a little crude, it’s out-of-line. If that is his dorky way of flirting, he’s probably that dorky in every other area of his life that counts too and you should consider yourself warned.

I don’t find any of these endearing, I find them shallow and spirit-depleting. To me, there is nothing better than when a person wants to get to know your brain. Or how about, better yet, get to know THEIR brain! It’s no wonder relationships are so empty, they were based on nothing to begin with!

But you know, I love when people like that guy show his true colors right away in a social environment. I can dismiss them good and early and still have time to meet the good ones! :)

ROCK ON!
Karen :)
"We must not allow other people’s limited perceptions to define us." ~ Virginia Satir