Will You Ever Be Good Enough?

“I've learned that no matter what you do, you’re never gonna be good enough, nothing you do will ever be good enough...so...why try?” ~friend on FB

The good part about this quote is that he is still a teenager which gives him lots of room to get out of his bad feelings. The bad part is many of our teens feel this way when they should be channeling huge amounts of energy into building their character.

The worst part of the quote is the “why try?” part. It’s another way of saying, “Why Bother?” which I keep saying is the catchphrase for the truly depressed. Giving up is the saddest thing in life to me.

In looking at the rest of the quote, there are other sad parts though that probably could be addressed before even getting to the ‘why try’ part. Breaking down quotes is not only the philosophical part of me but it also represents my need to get to the root of every problem instead of just hacking away at the branches. I say this a lot.

Let’s start with “I’ve learned”. I think this is where the problem starts. When we verbalize that we learned anything, it can inhibit us from being open enough to learn the next thing. Once we’ve decided that the lesson we think we have learned is actually fact, I believe we are stuck in that headspace. Before the thought even comes, we’ve decided we have learned something so therefore what we are about to say is set in stone and is therefore concrete and unchangeable. It’s probably better to change our mindset to “At this moment in time, I think or I feel that no matter what I do…” and finish the thought, recognizing that it’s a thought, not something we learned.

Ok, so in continuing the thought; “I've learned that no matter what you do, you’re never gonna be good enough…” I think the biggest issue here is in thinking that our self-worth is based on what we do even before finishing the rest of the thought. We simply ARE good without pressuring ourselves. “Good enough” is even problematic because it’s suggesting we just have to struggle to attain a certain amount of goodness and only then are we allowed to be on earth or participate in the human race.

“Nothing you do will ever be good enough”. This sentence is fortune-telling. I don’t know anyone on earth with the capability of making such a futuristic statement or who is accurate on saying their future is doomed. We only have the capability of seeing what we have experienced not what we will experience. Even then, there is some skill involved in seeing our past for what it is without depressed emotion attached to it. If we tell ourselves we are not allowed to make negative predictions about our own future, then that isn’t allowed to be part of the equation.

So while the “why try?” is what will pop out to people as being the saddest part of the quote, it isn’t where the problem came from. There are some bigger issues like, “Who exactly are we trying to impress and why?” “Why does their opinion matter so much?” “What is our motivation in doing anything or becoming somebody super duper special?”

I feel like the solution is double-sided sticky tape.

1. Evaluate my own self worth;
Is my self worth based on what someone else thinks of me? Is my self worth damaged from someone close to me? Are they really someone I want an opinion from? If yes, why? If they are making me feel badly, why would I want their opinion? Are they even worthy of having an opinion about me?

2. Evaluate my motivation;
Am I looking for rock stardom, enjoyment or just peace and quiet? Am I seeking attention because I don’t feel loved? Am I seeking attention because I am being selfish? Am I trying to prove the ‘haters’ wrong?

The whole process of doing anything in a day shouldn’t have so much negative emotion attached to it but it does. We are humans with spirits and feelings…or should I say we are emotional spirits with human bodies carrying us around? It’s unrealistic to think we shouldn’t attach emotion to our situations, but sometimes we need to introduce some good old-fashioned logic into the equation without being so emotional. It’s a balance.

When we evaluate our past, do we know how to assess it as though we are looking at our life through a window or are we fixed on the emotions we felt during our rough times and therefore we taint what the reality is because our glasses are fogged up by tears?

The same thing goes for our future and our present. When people make us feel badly about ourselves, we sometimes have to take a step back and act like we are seeing it from outside our own emotion and ask ourselves the logical questions about our self-esteem and motivation. I don’t think we can accurately answer those questions when we are filled with overwhelming sadness. I personally have had to ask myself the hard questions about my perception of others AFTER I answered my own self-esteem and motivation questions.

The “why try?” part of our friends quote is maybe the saddest, but it’s only a result of all the thinking preceding it that needs addressing. This is exactly why I break quotes and thoughts down the way I do….to get to the root so it won’t pop back up again in the spring like twitch grass.

Maybe I just miss gardening, ;)

Karen :)

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” ~William Shakespeare

The Lies Women Love to Hear

I borrowed the title, I didn’t make it up. I read this as part of a featured blog on msn. I can’t even begin to express my annoyances! …alphabetically or chronologically?
Nah, I’m not losing sleep over it, I’ll just insert a thought (or three) after each one of hers.

1. I always want a guy to tell me I look skinny.Now, yes, I know I sound like a real anti-feminist, saying this. But it pleases me to no end when people — male and female — say things like, "My god, you're tiny!" Or, "Wow, what are you these days, a size two?" I know societal pressures have done some bad things to my body image (and to our collective body image); I won't deny that. But I do love to feel petite.
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I don’t think that has anything to do with feminism. Why don’t you love being you? Why is feeling petite the thing to make a person feel good? I don’t think there is awareness here of what societal pressures have done or it wouldn’t be added on in this manner. It’s not what I would consider ‘funny’. We seem to be excusing everything as a cute little joke. It reminds me of when people make racist jokes and then say something like, "…back when racism used to be ok."

2. I always want to hear I look shockingly young.New Friend just made things worse after the "athletic body" debacle by trying to guess my age — and he got it right on the nose. Fishing for a compliment, I said, "Ah, too bad, I actually look as old as I am, huh?" He replied, "You're incredibly well-preserved for someone your age." Oh, dear. Well-preserved?! I felt like a canned sardine. Couldn't he — just to be nice — have told me I looked like I'd just gotten back from shopping for my prom dress? Couldn't he have told me my skin looked as soft and smooth as a baby's bottom? Couldn't he, at the very least, have said, "Wow, you must be getting Botox, because you look terrific!"?
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I understand how many will compliment someone on looking young. But how is it at all helpful? Doesn’t it mean that when you don’t look young anymore, you will reflect on all the young compliments and become depressed? Ok everyone that is over 30, go curl up under a rock because your life is over. I would have lasted approx. 3 seconds talking with that person and moved onto someone who could discuss literature. Fishing for compliments usually brings up Carp. (That’s a garbage-y fish; I didn’t misspell Crap, although it works too) She just kept offering a shovel for him to throw more dirt on! I don’t think it’s good to open the door to a burglar this way. Your spirit will be robbed!

3. I also don't mind it when guys say, "Now you — you I'd sleep with!"Luckily, New Friend turned things around a few minutes later. He was describing some woman in his office who drove him nuts because she thought she was the cat's meow; she'd dissed one of New Friend's male coworkers who'd asked her out. "And this woman, she's empirically attractive, I guess," New Friend said. "But she totally lacks charisma! I'd never sleep with her — and I can't imagine too many men who would." Then, gratuitously, he turned to me, and almost out of the corner of his mouth, he said, "But you? You I'd sleep with in a second. You've got the je ne c'est quoi."Now, sure, it's a little embarrassing, a little crude, when a guy says something like this. But I like to think it's also his awkward, dorky way of flirting. Of trying to say, as directly as he can without downright asking for it, that he thinks you're hot. Call me crazy, but I find it kind of endearing.
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So, let me understand. You didn’t reply back with, "You totally lack intelligence. I’m done talking to you. I can’t imagine too many people who would talk with you." Ok, so I wouldn’t be that crude, but any person that would try to give me a prize like ‘sleeping with them’ would last less than 3 seconds. It’s not embarrassing, it’s dumb. It’s not a little crude, it’s out-of-line. If that is his dorky way of flirting, he’s probably that dorky in every other area of his life that counts too and you should consider yourself warned.

I don’t find any of these endearing, I find them shallow and spirit-depleting. To me, there is nothing better than when a person wants to get to know your brain. Or how about, better yet, get to know THEIR brain! It’s no wonder relationships are so empty, they were based on nothing to begin with!

But you know, I love when people like that guy show his true colors right away in a social environment. I can dismiss them good and early and still have time to meet the good ones! :)

ROCK ON!
Karen :)
"We must not allow other people’s limited perceptions to define us." ~ Virginia Satir