Can You Pick Up Where You Left Off?

The following video contains some of the blog plus whatever stew was floating around my head;

I received an email from someone who told me about being bullied. He asked me to address the topic of bottling up feelings and if I had experiences like it. From the age of 12-18 was really bad for him. Ages 10- 17 were really rough for me. One of his paragraphs read;

“For many years i didn't let out certain emotions, anger & sadness mainly, or my feelings of fear. Anger, i would dispel it by crying instead, not a good thing to do when you are 12. That was caused by 2 boys from school that i was with, we were on the platform of a railway station waiting for a train home from school, suddenly they grabbed me by my arms & legs & started swinging me, making out as if they were going to throw me onto the railway lines, the fear came that they may actually do it, i started to panic & struggle, so they put me down & moved away from me, then the anger started to surge through me as i got up, i started to go towards to confront/hit them but i started crying & shouting at them instead. That was when the bullying & ridicule started. it didn't take long for the word to spread around the school about what had occurred. Coupled with the fact i did bible readings in assembly/church services & sang in the school choir, i was then labeled as a crybaby, sissy, a big girl & constantly tormented. I was also learning to play the flute at that time & used to go into the music room to practice during break times, The 2 main culprits, who shall remain nameless, also played instruments & would follow me in there on occasions, they would do things like trapping my head in one of the metal music stands. That was why i gave up playing the flute, singing & bible readings, all things that i enjoyed doing.”

--------------------------

The saddest part of bullying is that it inhibits a person from doing something they love. Part of having artistic freedom is when we get to explore who we are. I was also bullied on the playground and started at a deficit which continued for most of my life. I remember playing piano at school. It wasn’t until Grade 7 or 8. Some people were impressed I could play and others were very threatened by this new information and I was picked on as well.

I was a very colorful child. At home and on my own I felt very free. At school, I was an awkward child stuck somewhere between my spirit of play and fear. I would move back and forth between the two depending who was around. This bled into my adult life as well. Certain family members inhibit me, some don’t. Some acquaintances make me feel awkward and some make me feel comfortable. Bottling up our anger is one thing. Bottling up our talent is worse.

Not only does bottling up feelings keep you good and angry, but it means the things you are good at never become realized. I believe in letting feelings out, being truthful, having a voice etc, but my ultimate change came by looking at situations differently. Letting out my anger and frustration happens in poetry, music and art, but for the most part, I don’t find it extraordinarily helpful. Opening up to someone who loves you generally works better than lashing out at enemies.

I needed to realize two things;

1. People who bully us, hurt us or do bad things generally are either threatened by us or have had someone do it to them.

If you look at the numbers, most kids experience it. It’s sad, ugly and yet very normal. It’s wrong, but we shouldn’t feel like it only happened to us. It’s a bad domino effect.

2. Age does not stop me from being a child. To say they stole my childhood is perhaps factual, but we tend to give up our ambitions because we think it’s too late or our pain is so high from it, we are too exhausted to talk about it, far less pick up where we left off.

You will find your group who accepts you, but I still feel like we have to do the things we love because we enjoy them without anyone watching. If we wait for someone to give us permission to pick up an instrument, we’ll be waiting a long time. Bullying imprints negativity on our spirit. It actually causes you to care what others think of you because they are in your face and threatening you. It’s human instinct to protect oneself.

There are so many groups out there now who do what you do. If you are 75 and want to learn guitar, I bet you can find a group online who does it. If you are 15 and want to play the flute, there are teens like you. Basically, the world is so populated, you can find anyone.

When children trap your head in a music stand, you run the risk of equating music with the bullies; two things which don’t naturally go together.

Negative association has been one of my greatest hurdles. I have always had a hard time with eating relish or small onions because my Abuser made me grow them in the garden and then we made relish out of them…hundreds and hundreds of jars. I am sure many of you have your own negative associations. If your ex had a certain color of cat or breed of dog, you may hate them now…not like it’s the animal’s fault, you just don’t want the association.

For our friend here, a music stand is supposed to hold our music for us to see. My hope is that the negative association is not there.

Backed against the fence, but climbing over…

Karen :)

“The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.” ~E.B. White

What is the worst thing you've ever lost?

I received my fifth message this week from someone who lost data. I heard about a girl who lost 6 dozen songs from her mini recorder, someone who lost a hard drive of art work, another musician lost all his tracks from his record, a friend’s laptop was ruined and just now another friend lost all the work on her camera.

Now, I know what you are thinking. Why don’t these people have back-ups? The answer is simple. It happens to almost every one of us at some point. It’s inevitable. I had all my music backed-up and how was I supposed to know that someone (who was supposed to have loved me) would single-handedly destroy them all in a rage? So yes, of course we should back things up…but life just has its circumstantial moments.

Having been in the recording industry for as long as I have been, I hear about these catastrophes periodically, but I have never seen such a domino effect around me all in the same week. While I have no plausible evidence to support my ridiculous theory, I am going to go ahead and put it out there anyways. “Maybe the Universe is sending a bigger message.”

Ok, had someone said that to me upon learning of my data loss way back when, they would have had a door slammed in their face. Knowing that, I hope to be sensitive to those who feel exasperated this week.

The reason I say it could be a bigger message is to not be all mystical and supernatural about the logical answer that ‘it’s technology we are dealing with so of course things mess up’ but to perhaps put some perspective on it. Let me share what I learned.

When my songs were maliciously destroyed, I seriously considered packing in my music career because I just simply couldn’t imagine ever starting over again.

Now of course this vindictive act against me could not compare to what happened to the woman up the highway from me around the same time. She and her husband took her children to her Mother’s for dinner and came home to their house being engulfed in flames. She looked up into the top windows to the flames ripping out of her children’s bedrooms, took a gasp and said, “OMG, the boys could have been sleeping there.” It was faulty electrical work in a very old house….another advanced thing we had in society that eventually broke down.

Since that happened, I have learned that she lost a job, was separated and has since been paralyzed by a snowmobile accident. She now lives in a wheelchair. That is certainly a good look at perspective.

But please understand, I tend not to diminish someone’s pain by suggesting they aren’t starving, but this situation did allow me to consider a life-altering look at the Universe and how our world works.

Have you ever had people say, “God works in mysterious ways” then they walk away and you are still left staring at the broken technology in front of you? Some statements simply aren’t helpful. Encouragement can be empty without help. We smile and appreciate it of course, but sometimes the thirsty person just wants a drink. I just wanted my songs back! When this woman lost her home, I went and lied down on the living room floor in my perfectly fine house and cried for her but I also felt a bit ashamed. I realized that the world wasn’t out to get me. Some things fall under Physics. To say God works in mysterious ways (or insert Nature or whatever word you are more comfortable with) isn’t very accurate. Looking back, my entire experience and revelation wasn’t enveloped in the mysterious, it was well-balanced in logic. Nature didn’t cause my relationship to fail or for my partner to trash my work. Nature didn’t ensure the faulty wiring in this woman’s home would fail. Putting wiring in a home to begin with puts you at risk. Putting work on a hard drive is almost asking for it to be destroyed. Why? Because technology doesn’t work with nature. It’s an extension of our own imagination…it isn’t an extension of Nature.

Do I embrace technology? Absolutely! But I do not place any emotion in it now. If I went out shopping and came home to my place in flames, I would certainly be sad and mourn the situation, bummed that I would have to rebuild…but Nature, God and the Universe will not get the blame anymore.

I believe when we invest too many of our emotions in technology, it is pretty much the same as being in a relationship with someone who has a temper. They may be fine every single day for years, but some malfunction or hiccup may make them break down. If you knew this going into it, you would know the risks. Yes, you’d be upset when it happens, but with realistic expectations, we can minimize our disappointment.

“Maybe the Universe is sending a bigger message.”

The statement is actually ridiculous. The Universe seems to have the same message which like a 24 hour news channel, we just tune into when we want. The big message is always there.

For me, the message was, “There are bigger things ahead of you, quit looking backwards. You have a big job to do.”

I understand your pain everyone! It’s usually very painful for musicians and artists because we feel like our heart was inside the physical thing we made. But really, the true artistry lies inside our spirit. These ashes can serve as amazing gardens for future flowers to grow.

Staring at the ruins too long takes our focus off our bigger purpose.

I think the worst loss of all is the death of our inner child…that’s why I am focusing on getting it back. The rest is whatever to me. ;)

ROCK ON!

Karen :)

“Where the spirit does not work with the hand, there is no art.” ~Leonardo da Vinci

Wherever you go, there you are

Disoriented, tired with surreal flashes of WTF(where not what) am I? That’s me right now. (mostly due to connecting flights all over the US…gotta love the heavy Christmas traffic) In LA now...

I left LA mid December and spent weeks with family and friends back home in Canada. It’s a shocker to my little frame let me tell ya. The air is clearer in Ontario but much colder! (Obviously I wasn’t close to the Hamilton smokestacks, but did manage to visit family near the African Lion Safari) I wouldn’t say it was like the January and February months I spent as a child there digging my way through snow drifts by the apple orchards but there was enough snow in some areas to make me buy new gloves and winter boots.

In my opinion, some people have changed for the worse, some for the better, but not by a large fraction. With the exception of some nieces and nephews shooting up in height, my family is doing pretty much the same. All are happy and keeping busy with the flow of work and family life.

I left there thinking I was the one who had changed, but it’s mixed with moments of wondering if I was the same but just moving around a lot. I guess we all transform in some way…I don’t mean the obvious growth but I feel perspectives in my life have changed. Some of my visits were difficult to listen to people still prejudice in their old ways where I feel like I have learned to be tolerant…but then some of my visits were difficult because the people were doing simple things that I longed for. I often say travel breeds tolerance but I think there is something lovely about routine and tradition.

I feel like despite what I am missing in my life, I am still me. I still mixed in with the same jokes and craziness with family and still had wonderful visits with friends. Whether I am sleeping in my own bed or in a spare room somewhere, I still wake up to me. I wouldn’t say I am as lonely as I used to be. I think loneliness has nothing to do with being alone either. I have felt desperately lonely in the past with a house full of people. I guess what is happening is that I am reacquainting myself with me. I am learning how to take a 5 hour flight and be alone with my thoughts.

But mostly, I am feeling pretty creative and reconnecting with some old childhood friends. When I say childhood friends, I don’t actually mean real people. I mean the ones in my imagination (get yer straight jacket ready) I never realized until lately that the people I have been neglecting to visit the most were the spirits of imagination and creativity. The characters who are waiting to be written about! Remember when you were a child and you spent time with them? They are calling me now.

While I don’t believe much in new year’s resolutions, the timing is just falling here that I am having a new year’s revelation. The season’s visits are just making it obvious who I need to visit the most right now.

If I may be so bold to say, I think many of us are in need of visiting those spirits too! ;) I think when we do, it makes our visits with others that much better.

I hope that you are able to find what makes you passionate…not necessarily this year, this month or even this day…but that you experience a moment that brings you great joy!

Much love on ya!
Karen :)

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." ~Ernest Hemingway