Define "so-so"

Many people from my childhood have crept back into my world because of Facebook. Some are good, some not so much, "click-click, delete!" lol I don’t even mind hearing how an old ex from high school is doing so long as they don’t try and pick up where they left off! ;P

I’ve been thinking about a message from a friend on there (I’m not mentioning her name, but she knows I am writing this—I hate shocking people with topics about them…) I asked her how she was doing. Her message back was something like, "I’m doing good, I am married to a guy who makes 6 figures and my daughter just landed an acting role and my son made the College basketball team…." ..and a bunch of other things going on AROUND her.

I thought I’d mess with her a bit, so I said, "So, your family is doing good. How are YOU doing?"

The rest of the conversation went something like,

She said, "Me, oh I am not doing very much."
Me; "That’s ok, I didn’t ask WHAT you were doing."
Her response; "Oh, so-so."
Me; "Define so-so."

So I don’t bore you with rambling dialogue, my assessment was that she wasn’t doing good at all. She didn’t need money and her children were well on their way to a great career start. It turned out she had spent her life parenting them (and a good job too, I might add…they seem like great kids) but she was suffering from a bit of empty nest syndrome coupled with no acquired skills outside of parenting and at a loss of where to go in her life. She wasn’t depressed so much as she felt "bland".

As much as I talk about depression, I feel like there is a growing number of people who are not depressed, but are simply; so-so. It’s like a half way point between "excellent" and "depressed" and there is a possibility or danger of it swinging either way.

After her and I talked it out, she came to her own revelation that her happiness was always external. This doesn’t have to do with a job-related success; it has to do with her inner core.

As we talked further, she realized that she was still trying to mother the way she was when the kids were young. This is admirable although not completely necessary. It’s taken her a long time to let go of the infant control and direct her attention to the things she’d like to do with her life. It’s also sometimes tough for parents to accept that their children are redirecting their attention to other things besides them.

I suspect her "so-so" demeanor is because she feels stagnant. She seems unsure of whether she should still be watching them or doing something she loves and I also imagine she feels a bit selfish for even looking outside of it.

This limbo state of so-so is different from depression but a person can feel like they still didn’t accomplish much at the end of a day.

So how does a person get out of the state of so-so? Well I’m not sure there is a definitive answer but for me I had to quit caring what others around me thought so much. This was everything from cutting my fingernails short so I could play guitar, not just my piano to shutting out public opinion while working on songs. Her initial response to me suggested her husband’s job might impress me as a fellow woman envious of how well-kept she is. But I really don’t care, I mean I am happy for them having his job and all, don’t get me wrong…I really just wanted to know how her spirit was feeling.

Everything she told me she loved to do was cross-cancelled by a reason why she couldn’t do it.

My response back? If you have a passion, I mean gut-wrenching passion to do something…nothing and nobody should be holding you back. Go chase it…

Or, you can remain in a state of so-so. That’s up to you. ;)

Much love on all of you!
Karen :)

"The old, subjective, stagnant, indolent and wretched life for woman has gone. She has as many resources as men, as many activities beckon her on as large possibilities swell and inspire her heart." ~Anna Julia Cooper

What a Lazy Bum!

Laziness is a term that gets thrown around a lot. You hear parents call their children that, you hear politicians accuse each other of being that and spouses yell it at the top of their lungs to each other. I even remember a teacher in my elementary school scream it at a student.

I’m certain there are lazy people out there, maybe even a whole bunch of them. But what I can’t seem to understand is are we born lazy or are we just too lazy to dig to the root of a person so we give them that title?

I remember someone in my own family accusing her husband of being a "fat, lazy slob". Well, let’s not even talk about how many things are wrong with her description. First off, it is mean. She may be right that he is lazy, but bookending the word with two physical traits is cowardly to me. I think there is a bigger truth lying behind the accusation.

If he won’t take out the garbage, clean the garage or pick up some things, he gets the term thrown at him. Now in looking at this;

a) She is a person who is constantly seeking his attention…to the point of nagging him to death. She didn’t care if he ever took a bag to the curb, she just hated that he didn’t "do" something she wanted. I would watch her take this nagging approach because she felt neglected by him. It’s sad, yes.

b) He is a person who has been brow-beaten to the point where he will say, "What difference would it make?" or "Why would I bother?" Those are not words of a lazy person. They are words of someone who is either depressed or defeated.

It seems to be a chicken or the egg scenario. Maybe he ignored her first, maybe she nagged him first, but what you can be sure of, both parties thinks it’s the other person’s doing why he is sitting there.

Feeling defeated seems to be indicative of a bigger epidemic these days. It may not be our family, it could be co-workers or even worse, a lack of work. We often lash out when we are stressed, but what seems worse to me is when you feel like the common spirit in your household is that of people who have be wiped out by their own overwhelming sadness. Many times we carry this feeling of being annihilated into future relationships (aka baggage) and then our new partner thinks we are lazy.

A person who seems lazy could be in poor health, physically or mentally. To just say someone needs to "get their ass up off the couch" is really not helpful. I also don’t know many people who are actually happy with remaining so uncomfortably idle. There must be a reason why they are sitting there. They could be depressed, defeated or incorporating an act of defiance against the person who is attacking them. It’s a bad sign in a relationship when someone has decided to sit in silence over the choice of clawing like a cornered cat. It renders a situation rather hopeless.

I really feel like we need to quit nagging at each other and pushing each other’s buttons. I’ve never known a good ass-kicking to do much beyond getting one thing done at the time of a beating. It’s also cruel, illegal and reflects badly on one’s character.

It would be nice if we could take a step back and realize we are on the same team. We’ve perpetuated an anger towards each other that makes us think our friends are our enemies. We have forgotten we are in it together. I also think in relationships, we all have our ups and downs and true love will be willing to cut each other some slack. Not only do we have a history of baggage, but we have current craziness coming at us! The term, "Two heads are better than one" comes to mind. I think if we can somehow get back on the same team again, we can put our twigs together to form a bond that is more difficult to break.

It’s a very difficult thing to hold our hand out to someone we deem lazy and offer to pull them up in a manner of love. Maybe instead of trying to pull them up, we can stop for a good old-fashioned hug and just breathe. Maybe it’s time to offer the olive branch again, promise to be there for them and show some grace. You never know when you could be the one who feels defeated and needs someone to be the stronger one.

Relationships fluctuate a lot and sometimes you have to change roles when necessary…when it’s your turn.

If we are still here, we are not defeated. :)

Much love on ya!

Karen :)

"What is defeat? Nothing but education; nothing but the first step to something better." ~Wendell Phillips