Will You Ever Be Good Enough?

“I've learned that no matter what you do, you’re never gonna be good enough, nothing you do will ever be good enough...so...why try?” ~friend on FB

The good part about this quote is that he is still a teenager which gives him lots of room to get out of his bad feelings. The bad part is many of our teens feel this way when they should be channeling huge amounts of energy into building their character.

The worst part of the quote is the “why try?” part. It’s another way of saying, “Why Bother?” which I keep saying is the catchphrase for the truly depressed. Giving up is the saddest thing in life to me.

In looking at the rest of the quote, there are other sad parts though that probably could be addressed before even getting to the ‘why try’ part. Breaking down quotes is not only the philosophical part of me but it also represents my need to get to the root of every problem instead of just hacking away at the branches. I say this a lot.

Let’s start with “I’ve learned”. I think this is where the problem starts. When we verbalize that we learned anything, it can inhibit us from being open enough to learn the next thing. Once we’ve decided that the lesson we think we have learned is actually fact, I believe we are stuck in that headspace. Before the thought even comes, we’ve decided we have learned something so therefore what we are about to say is set in stone and is therefore concrete and unchangeable. It’s probably better to change our mindset to “At this moment in time, I think or I feel that no matter what I do…” and finish the thought, recognizing that it’s a thought, not something we learned.

Ok, so in continuing the thought; “I've learned that no matter what you do, you’re never gonna be good enough…” I think the biggest issue here is in thinking that our self-worth is based on what we do even before finishing the rest of the thought. We simply ARE good without pressuring ourselves. “Good enough” is even problematic because it’s suggesting we just have to struggle to attain a certain amount of goodness and only then are we allowed to be on earth or participate in the human race.

“Nothing you do will ever be good enough”. This sentence is fortune-telling. I don’t know anyone on earth with the capability of making such a futuristic statement or who is accurate on saying their future is doomed. We only have the capability of seeing what we have experienced not what we will experience. Even then, there is some skill involved in seeing our past for what it is without depressed emotion attached to it. If we tell ourselves we are not allowed to make negative predictions about our own future, then that isn’t allowed to be part of the equation.

So while the “why try?” is what will pop out to people as being the saddest part of the quote, it isn’t where the problem came from. There are some bigger issues like, “Who exactly are we trying to impress and why?” “Why does their opinion matter so much?” “What is our motivation in doing anything or becoming somebody super duper special?”

I feel like the solution is double-sided sticky tape.

1. Evaluate my own self worth;
Is my self worth based on what someone else thinks of me? Is my self worth damaged from someone close to me? Are they really someone I want an opinion from? If yes, why? If they are making me feel badly, why would I want their opinion? Are they even worthy of having an opinion about me?

2. Evaluate my motivation;
Am I looking for rock stardom, enjoyment or just peace and quiet? Am I seeking attention because I don’t feel loved? Am I seeking attention because I am being selfish? Am I trying to prove the ‘haters’ wrong?

The whole process of doing anything in a day shouldn’t have so much negative emotion attached to it but it does. We are humans with spirits and feelings…or should I say we are emotional spirits with human bodies carrying us around? It’s unrealistic to think we shouldn’t attach emotion to our situations, but sometimes we need to introduce some good old-fashioned logic into the equation without being so emotional. It’s a balance.

When we evaluate our past, do we know how to assess it as though we are looking at our life through a window or are we fixed on the emotions we felt during our rough times and therefore we taint what the reality is because our glasses are fogged up by tears?

The same thing goes for our future and our present. When people make us feel badly about ourselves, we sometimes have to take a step back and act like we are seeing it from outside our own emotion and ask ourselves the logical questions about our self-esteem and motivation. I don’t think we can accurately answer those questions when we are filled with overwhelming sadness. I personally have had to ask myself the hard questions about my perception of others AFTER I answered my own self-esteem and motivation questions.

The “why try?” part of our friends quote is maybe the saddest, but it’s only a result of all the thinking preceding it that needs addressing. This is exactly why I break quotes and thoughts down the way I do….to get to the root so it won’t pop back up again in the spring like twitch grass.

Maybe I just miss gardening, ;)

Karen :)

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” ~William Shakespeare

Do you Lack Motivation?

This Video Blog contains some of what is written below plus some typical Karen blithering... ;)

An email I received;

“I kinda hoped you might be able to help me, There are so many things I would like to do, but I always feel I lack the motivation. I'm not very independent, I tend to rely on others a lot, and I hate doing anything alone, I always feel as though I have millions of eyes on me at all times, and it makes me uncomfortable. I've always tried to fade into the background my whole life, and hate any kind of attention, I’m not very confident around people that I don't know, I even get uncomfortable being left in a room alone with my fiancé’s dad! lol I never know what to say! lol. I met my fiancé online, so I found it easy to speak openly as we weren't face to face, and by the time we actually met I already knew so much about him so there weren't any reasons to be awkward around him... although I was really scared to kiss him, I think he visited me twice before I actually kissed him, and then when it happened I wasn't expecting it, I didn't have time to back out! lol I really want to get out of this frame of mind and find the determination to follow my dreams..... I don't really know where to start though...”

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I wouldn’t consider myself a Dear Abby. I have no psychology background unless you count having to deal with psychotic stalkers its own degree. Lol

I felt like she was emailing me as a friend, …but I won’t act like I have all the answers. I’m not qualified to be a therapist. I’ll just try and answer from experience and if any of you out there want to chime in, I would welcome responses and thoughts too. ;)

I wish there was an answer for this. How do you make someone motivated that isn’t?

I tried to look back at times in my life where I wasn’t motivated and looked at what was stopping me. For the most part, I determined that I didn’t actually lack motivation, rather something or someone was putting up a barrier. Forever and a day I thought I was missing something. I started looking into what was inhibiting me.

The question, ‘Why Bother’ is something I have covered extensively in many past blogs, but it’s worth bringing up here again. ‘Why Bother?’ is the question we ask ourselves in trying to determine if something is worth it to us. So when our friend here says, ‘There are so many things I would like to do, but I always feel I lack the motivation.’ I tend to think ‘Why Bother’ is lurking in the background somewhere if we feel like there is no point in doing something or nothing good can come from our actions. If we actually felt there was a point or that something good could come from it, we’d be at least somewhat motivated to do it. It begs the question again, “Do you think your life is worthless?’ like the last blog.

Her next sentence; “I'm not very independent, I tend to rely on others a lot, and I hate doing anything alone, I always feel as though I have millions of eyes on me at all times, and it makes me uncomfortable.” While that seems like an oxymoron, I totally understand where she is coming from. It’s the struggle between not wanting to be isolated and not wanting anyone watching you either. It’s a state of being dependent on others. I went through this for a very long time. Only people who have been through it will understand what she is getting at. Basically, you count on others to take care of you, but you become so dependent on them that you stay in the world they want you in which is convenient for them. A person who truly loves you will encourage your independence. If they don’t, they like keeping you close. It’s a form of control. This is also why when they are watching you, you are uncomfortable. Now discomfort can come from lack of self esteem, but I tend to think she’s not being encouraged by anyone to seek out her independence. I could be way off base, but it sounds very familiar to me.

“I’m not very confident around people I don’t know.” I think there might be a handful of people out there who actually feel comfortable or perfectly fine around strangers. For the most part, our own instincts keep us protected when we meet someone new. We’d rather say nothing than screw up. We’ve maybe been bullied and made fun of in the past so we just clam up. I think when she cited her fiancé’s Father, I’m thinking part of the discomfort is a good thing because it means she doesn’t want to screw it up…that she values the situation and wants it to go well.

Overall, I think computers are great and they are awesome for people to come out of their shells but we really don’t integrate with humans anymore. It’s like a new skill we have to acquire again. As I mentioned in a recent blog, I tend to ask more questions like I am interviewing someone until I find some common ground. ‘Have you always lived in Los Angeles or did you move here from somewhere else?’ Usually works well. Pretty much everyone is from somewhere else and you can find some common ground as the conversation proceeds. When I used to try and start talking about myself to get a conversation going, it would put too much pressure on me to carry the whole thing. So asking questions is a good thing. It shows you are interested in someone and takes the pressure off of you to ‘perform’. ;)

I noticed the two things she put in her email though were, ‘There are so many things I would like to do’ and ‘I really want to get out of this frame of mind and find the determination to follow my dreams..... I don't really know where to start though’.

I could do an entire blog on following dreams. I think the phrase which has been ground in our head has done more harm than good. I don’t mean ‘follow your dreams’ has done nothing but it’s just loaded with complications. I would rather people find the things they love to do instead of chasing something. Instead of being determined to follow dreams, I think a better frame of mind might be to simply immerse ourselves in the things we love to do much like James O’Barr in the interview I talked about (in the ‘Do you feel like the Black Sheep’ blog).

Life doesn’t have to take an elbow-jointed turn in order for us to enjoy every moment. If you love to sing, sing. If you love to paint, paint. If you like to work on cars, go work on cars. I think these things are hard to do while we are still worried who is watching us. We should do the things we love as if nobody is watching.

Pushing pebbles in my sandbox,

Karen :)

“The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.”~Jim Rohn

Are you being too nice?

Do you ever feel like;

“Whenever I am nice, I get burned.”?

I've been trying this;

Be nice, run away quickly & don’t look back to see what just happened.

Or is this you?;

“I show love, they don’t give it back.”

Show love, run away quickly & don’t look back to see what just happened.

Or how about;

“I try to tell someone something, but they won’t listen.”

Do what you can, run away quickly… and...you get the point.

The reason for my response is because for me, I have been trying to figure out why I need their response to be different. In some of my cases, I was trying to control. In some cases, I was hurt by them.

Sometimes I was exhausted that my energy had been dispersed but in other times, I felt betrayed.

I am by nature a justice-seeker, so I had the tendency to be mad when something wasn’t reciprocated.

Is there such a thing as being too nice? Hmmm, I do know there is too mean…but not too nice.

Mom used to say planting niceness and showing love was like a mustard seed. They are known for lying dormant for years and then just decide to grow one day. The idea is you may plant a nice hello or show love and that could grow in minutes, days, hours or even years. Most things with me have taken years to marinate on account of having my judgment clouded at the time, was too physically exhausted to hear kindness or just didn’t notice because of depression or stress. What I am trying to do now is realize that there is ALWAYS a reason why someone won’t take my kindness and it’s usually due to something extraordinarily sad in their life. Therefore, it’s best not to compromise my character and since when is it my job to teach anyone a lesson? Plus, I am seeing a real need these days to start cutting each other a bit more slack.

I feel very fulfilled when I can look at myself in the mirror and know I did everything within the true nature of my character to interact with others in a loving way. Is it hard? YES! Sometimes you wanna smack someone. But I wage that most of the people who have needed a good smack in my life, were smacked very early on and their numbness won’t take the lesson anyways.

I would also bet most people haven’t the foggiest idea how to receive love. Knowing that, I can take their negative reaction and chalk it up to confusion instead. ‘Oh, they must not know what kindness is, that’s cool, I will try again tomorrow.’

The people in my life who have had the most significant impact on me were the ones who didn’t give up on me EVEN when I treated them so terribly. I am humbled by those people. I almost can’t look at them in the eyes when I see them and there are a few who I wouldn’t know where to begin. I would just say thank you and hope to improve my character into someone who can impact someone else the same way.

The reason I say, “Show love, run away quickly & don’t look back to see what just happened.” is because it focuses what I do on my motivation and not on the response I may or may not get. It keeps my mind focused on giving love unconditionally where I used to have a laundry list of conditions on love.

My experience of truth is, if love doesn’t have the word unconditional in front of it, it’s not love. It’s a different word.

Love used to be puppy love, high school sweethearts, crushes, dinner and movies…

I realize now love is meant to be given as a free gift. You don’t even have to stay in the room…you can grab your bag quickly and go enjoy the sport’s game on TV or work on music.

I am trying to not allow my disappointment in others ruin a good night of screaming guitars and string arrangements. If I stew over whether or not I was burned, if I got something back or didn’t get the ear of someone out there, I missed both my creative time and even bigger, missed the point of what it means to give.

And if you feel like you have nothing left to give, maybe it’s time to fill up your spirit again. But that also means running away quickly and finding someone good who you can use to fill your tank. :)

Much love on you!

Karen :)

“A tree is known by its fruit; a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost; he who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.” ~Saint Basil