I am afraid I am not a very good leader

Oh it’s one of those entries where someone’s going to think I’m being pompous, I shall go clear out the comments and emails and get their dinner ready for them. :)

Today, someone thanked me for being a good leader. I’ve had many refer to me this way. Well seriously, what is a person supposed to say in response to that? If you are indeed a good leader, I suppose you just thank them and move along. If you are a bad leader (and you just so happen to know it) you may apologize for being crappy, although your humility and apologies may suggest you are a good leader. While I understand that leadership doesn’t require a degree or even a spotlight role, but an ability to lead and yadda yadda yadda, I quite genuinely do not view myself as one. I suppose we all possess a certain amount of leadership skill. Moms & Dads need to lead children, teachers need to teach etc. I also understand that having been through a bit more crap in one’s life could potentially assist in qualifying as a good leader someday.

I think I don’t view myself as one because of a few things. I’m not scared of the responsibility of what that could mean, I might just be too lazy for the title. Ha! My life to date has been terribly dysfunctional. I wouldn’t suggest taking my lead on any of my choices to date. I write ugly dark music, I wear weird clothes on occasion and I have the worst potty mouth you’ve ever heard. If you were to do a background check, you’d never suggest me for a political position and I’m probably not the best person to speak at some inspirational conference. And yet, true friends and lovely souls don’t care about one’s past. Friends are lovely and merciful.

For the very reason that friends are so forgiving of me, so accepting of my flaws and embrace me into a larger circle, I can’t possibly think of myself as a leader. I’ve also mentioned hating the word “fan” as I find it insulting and sort of demeaning to a listener. I would hope that everyone here is everyone’s friend. That doesn’t mean we’ll exchange phone numbers or go for drinks on Sat night, but it does mean we have all individually slotted ourselves into a bigger picture and I prefer art that way…inclusive, loving, tolerant and forgiving.

I enjoy sharing my honest thoughts with everyone here in the hopes I can help out a bit and continue to learn from all of you as well. It’s absolutely terrifying to me to hear someone call me a rock star or “some Hollywood chick”. (Considering I am Canadian and have shoveled snow for 5 lifetimes)I have worked very hard and have continued to say no to management, labels, agencies and scouts because I am simply a girl who likes to make music and art. It wasn’t me who set up the industry how it’s been depicted these days, but all of us can quit deifying artists and calling them rock stars and just start talking to each other like normal human beings again…because anything outside of that just makes me queasy.

Have you ever looked at a band you are a fan of? Let me take Deep Purple for instance. For most of my life I considered myself a fan of them. Then one day I saw an interview with them where they seemed a bit more vulnerable. I remember thinking, “Hmmmm, Ian’s really just some guy making his way in the world,” and I cut the apron string. I continue to love Deep Purple, but it’s just a respect for their music. I am ever so thankful they gave me noise to crank really loudly, but I am no more thankful of their art than I am of someone who brings me cookies. (well, I could be a bigger fan of chocolate than Deep Purple, it’s pretty close) If I ever met Ian, even though I consider him in my list of top male vocalists, I’d like to think I could just have the same dynamic of meeting a waitress at a restaurant… I certainly wouldn’t swoon and beg for a photo.

The truth is that while some rock stars are driven by ego, many I have met in Hollywood are pretty normal and aren’t very comfortable with someone acting outside of the norm while around them especially since many of them had fame dropped on them, so few worked for it. So imagine you accidentally wrote a top 40 song and then look at how you go from 0 to 100 and you don’t know who your friends are and can’t find anyone to just sip tea with who doesn’t want something from you.

My point in my blithering here is that I have spent a great deal of my life extraordinarily lonely without any skills to lead anyone else far less myself. I bet you will find 20 other people or more in these blog responses who could give you better advice than me and who are emotionally more stable than I have been and yet, they may just have a generic picture and a few friends on their profile.

I am comfortable with myself, not depressed anymore and am enjoying life a lot, but a good leader is a title better left for those people who won’t disappoint you with their infrequent responses or shoddy advice. ;) If you have been through a severe depression, you will know all too well how much you simply strive for peace of mind. If your life has been beyond hell, you will probably just absorb through osmosis what I am trying to say.

Those of us who have faced tragedy understand the need to just chill out with tea. My life has become pretty plain and it’s wonderful. I save my insanity for art and music. lol
If you have been striving for a peaceful mindset, you’ll get it when I say, it’s really all I want. I do love my friends here.

Much love on ya!
Karen :)

“I don't have people following me around, like bodyguards. I don't know how people live like that. Maybe the young movie stars have to live like that, I don't know. But it seems a little crazy to me. I don't think you need all that stuff.” ~Anthony Hopkins

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