An email I received;
“I kinda hoped you might be able to help me, There are so many things I would like to do, but I always feel I lack the motivation. I'm not very independent, I tend to rely on others a lot, and I hate doing anything alone, I always feel as though I have millions of eyes on me at all times, and it makes me uncomfortable. I've always tried to fade into the background my whole life, and hate any kind of attention, I’m not very confident around people that I don't know, I even get uncomfortable being left in a room alone with my fiancé’s dad! lol I never know what to say! lol. I met my fiancé online, so I found it easy to speak openly as we weren't face to face, and by the time we actually met I already knew so much about him so there weren't any reasons to be awkward around him... although I was really scared to kiss him, I think he visited me twice before I actually kissed him, and then when it happened I wasn't expecting it, I didn't have time to back out! lol I really want to get out of this frame of mind and find the determination to follow my dreams..... I don't really know where to start though...”
-------------------------
I wouldn’t consider myself a Dear Abby. I have no psychology background unless you count having to deal with psychotic stalkers its own degree. Lol
I felt like she was emailing me as a friend, …but I won’t act like I have all the answers. I’m not qualified to be a therapist. I’ll just try and answer from experience and if any of you out there want to chime in, I would welcome responses and thoughts too. ;)
I wish there was an answer for this. How do you make someone motivated that isn’t?
I tried to look back at times in my life where I wasn’t motivated and looked at what was stopping me. For the most part, I determined that I didn’t actually lack motivation, rather something or someone was putting up a barrier. Forever and a day I thought I was missing something. I started looking into what was inhibiting me.
The question, ‘Why Bother’ is something I have covered extensively in many past blogs, but it’s worth bringing up here again. ‘Why Bother?’ is the question we ask ourselves in trying to determine if something is worth it to us. So when our friend here says, ‘There are so many things I would like to do, but I always feel I lack the motivation.’ I tend to think ‘Why Bother’ is lurking in the background somewhere if we feel like there is no point in doing something or nothing good can come from our actions. If we actually felt there was a point or that something good could come from it, we’d be at least somewhat motivated to do it. It begs the question again, “Do you think your life is worthless?’ like the last blog.
Her next sentence; “I'm not very independent, I tend to rely on others a lot, and I hate doing anything alone, I always feel as though I have millions of eyes on me at all times, and it makes me uncomfortable.” While that seems like an oxymoron, I totally understand where she is coming from. It’s the struggle between not wanting to be isolated and not wanting anyone watching you either. It’s a state of being dependent on others. I went through this for a very long time. Only people who have been through it will understand what she is getting at. Basically, you count on others to take care of you, but you become so dependent on them that you stay in the world they want you in which is convenient for them. A person who truly loves you will encourage your independence. If they don’t, they like keeping you close. It’s a form of control. This is also why when they are watching you, you are uncomfortable. Now discomfort can come from lack of self esteem, but I tend to think she’s not being encouraged by anyone to seek out her independence. I could be way off base, but it sounds very familiar to me.
“I’m not very confident around people I don’t know.” I think there might be a handful of people out there who actually feel comfortable or perfectly fine around strangers. For the most part, our own instincts keep us protected when we meet someone new. We’d rather say nothing than screw up. We’ve maybe been bullied and made fun of in the past so we just clam up. I think when she cited her fiancé’s Father, I’m thinking part of the discomfort is a good thing because it means she doesn’t want to screw it up…that she values the situation and wants it to go well.
Overall, I think computers are great and they are awesome for people to come out of their shells but we really don’t integrate with humans anymore. It’s like a new skill we have to acquire again. As I mentioned in a recent blog, I tend to ask more questions like I am interviewing someone until I find some common ground. ‘Have you always lived in Los Angeles or did you move here from somewhere else?’ Usually works well. Pretty much everyone is from somewhere else and you can find some common ground as the conversation proceeds. When I used to try and start talking about myself to get a conversation going, it would put too much pressure on me to carry the whole thing. So asking questions is a good thing. It shows you are interested in someone and takes the pressure off of you to ‘perform’. ;)
I noticed the two things she put in her email though were, ‘There are so many things I would like to do’ and ‘I really want to get out of this frame of mind and find the determination to follow my dreams..... I don't really know where to start though’.
I could do an entire blog on following dreams. I think the phrase which has been ground in our head has done more harm than good. I don’t mean ‘follow your dreams’ has done nothing but it’s just loaded with complications. I would rather people find the things they love to do instead of chasing something. Instead of being determined to follow dreams, I think a better frame of mind might be to simply immerse ourselves in the things we love to do much like James O’Barr in the interview I talked about (in the ‘Do you feel like the Black Sheep’ blog).
Life doesn’t have to take an elbow-jointed turn in order for us to enjoy every moment. If you love to sing, sing. If you love to paint, paint. If you like to work on cars, go work on cars. I think these things are hard to do while we are still worried who is watching us. We should do the things we love as if nobody is watching.
Pushing pebbles in my sandbox,
Karen :)
“The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.”~Jim Rohn
No comments:
Post a Comment