10 Tips for a Better Relationship

I read this article below. My thoughts are in brackets after each point;

1. Celebrate the small stuff.
"It's not enough that your partner knows that you take pride in his or her accomplishments. You have to show it. Making a fuss over the small, good things that happen every day can boost the health of your marriage."

(I know people who have the attitude that they aren’t going to praise the little things because that is expected and ridiculous but sometimes it’s good to do it because the other person’s esteem might need it)

2. Learn how to fight productively.
"The key to fighting productively is to recognize when a disagreement is going in the wrong direction and to take steps to calm things down and repair rifts."

(I don’t think it’s necessary to fight at all. We are adults, we should act like it. However, I understand where they are going with this and I agree it’s good to have foresight. Most people know their partner well enough that everyone by now should know if it’s going to end badly)

3. Silence is not golden.
"By staying quiet and avoiding conflict when things bothered them, they had missed important opportunities to cultivate and grow their relationship."

(Again, we are adults. We should know how to communicate. I think if we feel like we aren’t getting through to someone, we should do our own character a favor and take some lessons on better communication skills. They unfortunately didn’t teach it in school very well. We just have to Google to get pointers nowadays)

4. Don't put negative thoughts into the universe.
"Men and women who had pondered thoughts of divorce in 1980 were nine times more likely to have gotten divorced by the end of the study."

(Back to what my Grampa said, “Divorce is not an option.” Well, divorce does happen but I think if we can take that away as an thought during an argument, we would be forced into coming up with a solution)

5. Plan together.
"Couples who planned a baby's arrival or who were equally joyous at becoming parents were far more likely to maintain their marital happiness or even enjoy an increase after the baby was born."

(I like seeing couples including each other in everything. I am glad to see the old-fashioned mentality of what the typical roles are melting away)

6. Maintain a circle of friends and support.
"Strong friendships outside the marriage can take the pressure off your relationship, help you work things out away from your spouse, and ultimately protect your marriage from unnecessary stress and discord."

(This is ok if you have friends who are proactive at making relationships work or don’t have a habit of bad-mouthing spouses. I believe that can pull us away from the marriage and put the grass-is-greener mentality in our heads)

7. Overcompensate for mistakes.
"Do marriage math. Even when you make a mistake, tell yourself that you're going to do at least five positive things for your spouse to make up for it, and then do them. And don't wait until you bicker to turn on the charm. Nice gestures and comments go far in a marriage, they are easy to do, and they will help insulate your marriage from being damaged by the inevitable bad days."

(Ok, I guess this can work, but I think it’s best to simply apologize and move on with the understanding of what happened and true remorse. I do agree that prevention steps are better than trying to cure something after the fact)

8. Set the marriage bar high.
"Husbands and wives who hold their partners to a reasonably high standard have better marriages. If you expect a better, more satisfying relationship, you improve your chances of having one."

(I agree and disagree. Yes there are certain things you should expect, but I suspect entitlement mentalities could creep into the picture if we aren’t careful. I think it’s more important to accept our partners for who they are, not try to change them and encourage them lovingly in a way that benefits the marriage. Being an example to them is better than telling them how to be)

9. Give it a break.
"Sometimes, improving your marriage means giving it a break. Increasing your connections with family, friends and society is good for your marriage."

(I disagree with most of this. If you have to escape your partner, you must not enjoy being with them very much. I do agree doing things for ourselves and with others is good though.)

10. Be aware of your body language.
"Eye rolling is a painfully obvious sign of contempt, and it's a powerful predictor that your relationship is in serious trouble."

(I whole-heartedly agree with this one! This is childish behavior. The thing about this title, “Be aware of your body language”; that’s silly. Everyone is brutally aware they are rolling their eyes. It’s a form of communication to let your partner know you hold contempt. I think as adults, we can communicate better than that)

Overall, I believe the problem in most relationships is the “Me” factor. I think we have to give more love and be genuinely interested in making it work because love is the most important part of life, not just our close relationships.

But what do I know? I have a history of failed relationships! ;)

Karen :)

“I hate the giving of the hand unless the whole man accompanies it.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

You Don’t Have to Do Anything You Don’t Want To

I get invited to parties and functions. If I was super bored out of my mind, I could crawl into every corner of Los Angeles’ ‘steamy’ scene.

My answer when someone asks if I want to, I say. “I don’t want to.”

The answers people usually give range from “I’m washing my hair” to “I have to stay home with my pet parakeet, he’s not feeling well”. I don’t know if you can’t find the energy as I get older to bother with excuses, but basically my answer is “I don’t want to” because it’s the truth.

Then the follow-up question is; “Why don’t you want to?” and my answer is “I just don’t want to”. I had a giggle this past year when a friend of mine was moving from her apartment and she asked me if I wanted her ‘Smores Maker’. At the time I was more eloquent and said, “You know what? You should give that to someone who really wants it and will use it and appreciate it”. The wording was a nice way of saying, “I don’t want it, I won’t use it and I won’t appreciate it.” Lol

I actually don’t mind when someone asks why I don’t want to. I’m not annoyed because after all, they cared enough to invite me to begin with. Their follow-up question might be enough to get me out of the house for a night when I am feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes, you say no because you are used to saying no. I’m glad when they ask it, but I remain as honest as possible in my answers.

If I get asked enough times to do something you don’t want to do, I tend to wonder if the person knows me at all. It’s kind of like when someone buys me a pink sweater. Well, of course it’s not something you will see me wear. If someone is that way off base with me, I don’t think it’s wrong to tell them I don’t wear pink. Does this sound crass? Let me explain;

If someone is that confused about who I am and has not paid attention to the fact I never wear it and there is nothing in my home that’s pink, I think they must have taken no interest in me. Now in all fairness, if a lady who lives next door to my Gramma who I have met once wanted to knit me a pink sweater, I would let her know how sweet that was. I’m not suggesting someone has zero motivation by not knowing my colors but when people who are close to me want to take me to a Hollywood VIP Party, I have to really ask myself, ‘Does this person know anything about me at all?’ I have learned to assess who is my crowd and who isn’t. This could come off as only some people are allowed on the Playground. That’s not true. The perspective I have is that they are trying to drag me to their playground where I can’t be free to play and I feel caged.

To go to some club and spend 6 hours there is the most ridiculous waste of time I can imagine. What I can do at home in 6 hours gives me more joy. I’m really a home-body. I have learned to love the quiet.

The same goes for me engaging in conversations where I feel bullied to talk to someone. My answer is, “I’m done with the conversation.” I have been accused of not finishing the argument. Some arguments don’t have an end, some people talk in circles in a condescending, dizzying style and I have learned to recognize that. Plus, my time is more valuable. When asked why I won’t finish the conversation, my answer is; “I don’t want to.” You can’t get more honest than that. This also protects my spirit without compromising my character and lets people know I don’t engage in war.

Well, then I get accused of not loving them the same as others who get my attention, therefore I don’t spread true love. I love what a friend told me yesterday; “People are never banned, only the mentalities.” I am not putting up a wall in between me and others, I am protecting myself from further harm. I am protecting my spirit. Nobody has to listen to false allegations, abuse or anger from another person if they think it’s harmful. I had a Mother who pulled me from an abusive relationship for my own good. I distinctly know what is healthy for me and what isn’t.

It’s not my job to fix anyone or enlighten anyone here, I simply share. I am not the all-knowing, all-powerful shepherd of the flock. I’m not some strong Psychiatrist or Doctor who is so strong in spirit that I can handle any scene or any dialog from any person. Those people are truly gifted. I am one sheep with some typing skills and a camera. It’s unfair to put that on me. If I don’t want to do something, I simply don’t have to. Through my own journey and struggles, something I have learned is to be very careful about what I engage in so my spirit doesn’t get damaged in its fragile state. This doesn’t mean I consider myself weak, it’s more like a Diabetic being mindful of how much sugar they ingest. In short, I know what’s good for me and what isn’t. That is the extent of my ‘power’ over here; just the realization that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.

Overall, like the pink sweater I am more annoyed if someone doesn’t pay attention enough to know me first. Being asked to go to a Hollywood function is their assumption that because I live here and work here I must do those things too.
Being put on some ridiculous pedestal because I have a large community around me is equally as insane. For those who know me, you’ll know I consider myself just as messed up as all of you. Hahahaha

For those who TRULY know me, you will know that by trying to engage me by pressing buttons or cornering me into a conversation it’s not going to end well. This shouldn’t be a shock when it goes to pot.

I believe we can really help people, we have the power to do this. I believe we can love people too. I think it’s important for each of us to watch out for one thing though. Does the thing you are being asked to engage in compromise who you are? If someone wants you to do something, engage in something or even wear something (lol) that isn’t a part of your character or could do damage to your character, I think it’s good to really assess the pros and cons.

Too old for peer pressure,

Karen :)

“Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission.”

~Arnold Bennett