What is Trapping You?

In one of my relationships, I probably stayed for three years too long. (it may have been more, but hey who’s counting?) If you know what this feels like, you’ll understand what I mean by the ‘shifting percentage’. It’s where things start out at 100% good and it starts a steady decline at a certain rate per year. At some point it’s about 50% good, 50% bad which is the teetering time where you apply the old song, ‘Should I stay or Should I go?’. For me, those last 3 years declined well under 0. It’s where it becomes not just 100% bad, but seems to scrape underneath the fingernails for extra dirt.

My counselor at that time was the one who set me on the right track. He’d ask why I hadn’t left yet. My answer was simple, "I can’t afford to."
When we discussed my career plans and the job I was doing at the time, he’d asked why I hadn’t moved on to do music fulltime. It was the same response, "I can’t afford to."

He wondered why I couldn’t afford to leave the bad relationship and if I stayed why I couldn’t afford to take the leap in my career. My answer (which was a surprise to me to) was, "I guess it’s not only money that is trapping me."

He told me he was big on making lists. I have a successful uncle who coincidentally at that time told me how lists not only saved his life, but saved his sleep also. I now try to make a list every night before bed of what I need to accomplish the next day and then I go to bed. I promise to not take anything that is on that list to sleep with me so my rest is uninterrupted by my own thoughts.

He explained to me that leaving a bad relationship (as long as it isn’t abusive) sometimes works better if you have a game plan. So that’s what I did. I made a list of daily things I needed to accomplish and a list of long-term goals and shorter-term goals to get me there. One of the things he couldn’t believe was that my partner had a personal bank account, but that my bank account was joint. He encouraged me to start one for myself. So I opened an account with a pitiful $10. I looked at my book they gave me and was exasperated at how small the amount was and how it seemed I would never make any kind of move with that. But what he did was teach me how to put every extra dollar lying around into the account suggesting too many people won’t make a deposit unless it’s large.

My bank book makes me laugh. If you look in it, you’ll see $5 deposits in it. The idea was that I didn’t touch it. I could have saved it at home in a sock, but that didn’t feel the same as seeing the climbing total. I enjoyed watching it inch up that I actually started looking for coins to roll up and take to the bank, sifting through the laundry pockets, wherever I could find it. It also kept my mind focused, as measly as that sounds.
The idea behind doing this was two-fold. It kept my mind occupied on something tangible and it gave me some independence. My counselor explained that even if I ended up staying in the relationship and it all worked out, everyone should be saving this way no matter what. I never realized how I was frittering away the dollars and cents. So it was a good lesson in money management.

His concern he said was that many people are trapped in bad relationships, they get in a brutal fight and then abruptly leave with no game plan. They are basically standing in the middle of the street with a bag in hand. Then the tears pour torrentially and they really want to give up. It’s like insult to injury to have to start over with nothing.

So, I did find out money was trapping me in the relationship, but what I found out was the bigger trap was my own daily thoughts and how I allocated them. I had accumulated a large account of negative energy. When we are upset by our situation, it’s so simple (and often understandable) that we wallow in self-pity on top of our already tumultuous relationship. It’s simply not helpful. I was trapped by my brain spending time thinking about nostalgic years prior to the rough time and I wasn’t thinking clearly.

My lists taught me to get my brain back into some mode of operation again. I applied the term, "flying under the radar" to my life. It became my new approach. Flying under the radar was where I began biting my tongue and biding my time (which some of you may recognize from the Funeral Mute song) I kept focused on the biggest thing trapping me-my own sadness. Once I figured this out, I gained a new focus which ended up leading to my new life. I applied it in all areas. I allocated more time each day to my choice career while still logically keeping the job that I was also trapped in but paid. Basically all parts of my life started the climb back out of hell and the percentages got back up to where they were. Why should I expect that something that declined over years should take minutes to fix itself? I just tried to keep an eye on the daily accomplishments and it was a lot less overwhelming.

The human brain has a tendency to stir thoughts like a chili in a slow cooker. You almost don’t recognize any one part of it anymore by the time it’s cooked! But putting a pen to paper can keep a person centered. It did me anyways. Understanding what was trapping me was the first step in prying open the teeth of it. It wasn’t just money, it was my own desperation.

Focus and clarity I think sometimes are a special gift….or in many cases we just have to learn them.

Much love on you!
Karen :)

"Patience is the ability to count down before you blast off." ~ Author Unknown

Living in Layers

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser." ~John W Gardner

I stared at this quote for probably 15 minutes this morning and then thought about it long enough to start writing.

Not even forgiveness is an eraser although we are often told to forgive and forget. I don’t necessarily buy into it. I mean, it’s a lovely thought to think we can completely forget the wrongs (especially if they are ours!) but I know I haven’t forgotten about the things that have happened to me nor do I expect the people I have disappointed will have erased it from their memory.

What I hope for with forgiveness is a tighter relationship between people. When we screw up, I believe a callus is built on our hands, a toughness which makes us ready to combat the next thing together as a unit. We haven’t ditched the good times and we haven’t forgotten the bad ones, but we have decided that the relationship is worth fighting for despite the bad times.

I admire visual art immensely. I love simple pencil drawings but I adore paintings. If he messes up, it’s very difficult to take the paint off of the canvass and so the painter has to work in layers. If he’s really proficient in his work, every layer may be on purpose, but I have talked to painters who have just learned to cover up the mistakes. Then, for others they view each layer as part of the journey and would not want them to be taken away because simply there is a beauty in each brush stroke. They took a chance mixing a new color or applying a thicker amount to the picture. Their risk may have been high, but their open-mindedness exposed a better painting in the end that even surprised themselves.

I feel this way about life. We don’t have an eraser. But if we are open to whatever the next thing is for us, we may just find that each layer that was a perceived error is going to add a rich texture to our character and biography. I would much rather have the lines, wrinkles, calluses and muscle from my experiences than a blank background of sheltered skin. There is nothing remotely interesting about that. :) Nor does it prepare us for the next storm.

I hope that whatever you are painting today, you do it boldly, without caring what anyone thinks about it and if you mess up, you can with a few brush strokes, turn it into your masterpiece where you can reflect upon the layers. After all, I believe it is our layers that make-up who we are…not a blank canvass.

We can always cover it up with a superficial eggshell wash at the end. hahahaa

Be good to you!
Karen :)

I know I began with a quote, but I must add this one too;

"Every child is an artist, the problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up." ~Pablo Picasso

You are NOT a Paperdoll Cut-Out

I grew up in the Southern Ontario area (GO LEAFS!! Uh, if you don’t say that the Mounties hunt you down) ;) When I started auditioning for commercials, I spent a lot of time going back and forth to Toronto. T.O. is our big city. Basically Toronto and Vancouver are the New York and LA of Canada.

There you have your Canadian lesson for the day. It’s not all dogsleds and igloos up there. ;)

When I would show up for my audition, I would walk into a room where everyone looked like me. It’s horrifying to think you don’t really have your own look but I understood later when I was involved in the casting end of things that the requirement is, "We need a blonde, average height, etc etc". Similarly, they could need a balding, short man and so all those guys probably feel like they don’t have an identity either when they stand in that room with 100 other guys like them.

The quick lesson I had to learn with auditioning is that it didn’t matter how you coiffed your hair or how cool the heels you picked out were, there is pretty much no chance of physically standing out to the casting director. Your smile may be slightly bigger, your skin may be a bit clearer but overall looks weren’t going to do it. And it hit me, "How do I separate myself from these look-alikes?"

So, I went through a huge phase where I would rehearse one-liners to attract the director’s attention. I’d look up funny jokes before driving there so I would have a real stinger for them as soon as I walked in. This improved my chances slightly… I would at least have them remembering me. But then as time went on I thought, I’m going to just show them what I can do. I realized they were hiring me based on a certain look + a talent.

I had a history at The Second City Improv in Toronto so I thought, "It’s on my resume, so why not just bring it? They read my resume before I got the audition, there must have been something on it they liked." From there on I would immerse myself in improv at my auditions instead of worrying about which shoulder my hair was hanging over. That was the ticket.

I started landing many commercials and made some good money at it. It was because I started on a path to separate myself, but ultimately what happened is I just decided to BE myself. The same thing happened to me in the music industry. I had entered it in the dance genre and quit when I felt like it wasn’t me. I quit when one of my songs had hit pretty high in the dance charts and it felt really good to detach myself from something that had nothing to do with who I was!

I believe strongly that each one of us shouldn’t be competing with anyone else on a contest of looks and I firmly believe each one of us has something that is not only uniquely us, but HONESTLY us. It takes a lot of courage to be yourself.

I remember when I used to do some casting, I would learn to look for the standout personalities with the unique talent, but mostly I would look for the honesty behind a performance. Even now with music, movies and various art, my first question is, "Do I believe it?" When a 24 year old pop singer sings songs with content like she is 14, do I believe it? Is an actor fully immersed in their character or is it too far outside their character. And what is the motivation? I can smell a phony a thousand miles away. ;)

All I wanna do now is meet the spirits of people…individuals who are simply and uniquely themselves.

We are not supposed to be like everyone else. The things that are similar I believe are meant to bond us together and I like that. But in your chase, on your journey, in your life…are you really sure you are you? Or are you still physically competing in an arena that is nothing like you?

When I found the answer to that, I was sad at my own response, but then I set myself completely free of it. Now I can fly.

IT’S a CHEESY morning y’all…..hahahahahahaha

ROCK YOUR WEEK!
Karen :)

"No one should part with their individuality and become that of another." William Ellery Channing

I’m Watching the Most Amazing Thing

I was waiting for my tea to boil and the sounds from the back parking lot caught my attention.

About four years ago, I used to look back there and see a mother who would open up all the lids of the garbage cans and pluck out the recyclables. She would put them in small bags and throw them into a crappy car. She had a boy who was barely old enough to run around and a baby in a stroller. The baby would cry, she would walk over and take her out, comfort her by patting her on the back and walk about the parking lot until she was calm, then put her back in the stroller. It didn’t last long, but she consistently visited the garbage cans from what I could see.

Then many months rolled by and I saw them drive in with a truck. It wasn’t a great truck, but it was better than the car they had. I remember the neighbors all gathering around them and they seemed all pleased with themselves although I couldn’t understand them as they didn’t speak English. As time went on, I’d notice the man come home with garbage bags in the back and she’d add her bags to his. They basically started their own recycling business.

This past year, they got rid of their truck which was getting very weathered and got a really nice one. They continue putting bags in the back and they really take pride in it by scrubbing it down and keeping it clean. It’s always shiny white.

Today, the kids are 4 years older, so I imagine the girl is close to 5 and the boy a couple years older. When I looked out the window because I heard their squeals, I saw them running around playing and I heard them talk to each other in English. It would seem that the parents came here for a better life, worked really really hard and their children are getting schooled well.

But the best part of it that made my eyes well up was that the Mother was with them, chasing them around and laughing. I’ve never seen her like that. She’s always working it seems! She must have decided it was time to just let loose and be a kid herself. (now of course she probably does it more often than what I see)

But I am sat here thinking, yes…you deserve it girl! Go play!

I hope you get some time this weekend to laugh and be silly with the ones you love the most!

Karen :)

"Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today." ~James Dean

I’m Sick and Tired, but that’s OK!

I CAN’T believe I am sick. It’s the middle of the night and my throat is too scratchy to sleep.

I don’t remember the last time I was sick. In California, the smog is bad, but you can have windows open. In Canada, the air seems better where I was but because it’s winter, you have to close everything up tight. Canadian windows are always some double-pane bullet-proof glass too (lol) so once you are in, you basically suffocate…BUT! You are at least warm then, right?

Most of my family and friends had some illness over the holidays. One of my young nephews was coughing and while he ‘sometimes’ remembers to cover his mouth, it’s unrealistic to think it will be every time and the closed up home just locks in the bugs anyways.

I’m sitting here though reminiscing about a visit with my Father’s brother and another with his sister. (I uploaded the pics today to a Family album under My Photos) My aunt Shirley is my Dad’s youngest sister and she is a Stever in every sense of the word. Crazy, super funny, silly…I just adore her. When I came over to her place, it hadn’t been since my Mom died that I saw her back in 2001. She said, "I have some bug in my throat, so don’t come close." I grabbed her anyways and hugged her tight. As sick as I feel right now, I am thankful for our visit together. She shared so many amazing stories about my Dad and I fought back tears all night. My Dad died in a plane crash when I was a little girl and Shirley’s husband, my Uncle Fred helped him build planes so I was thrilled to hear all about the good times they had too. I’m sure if you had lost someone long ago and you met up with people who could give you extra info on them, you’d know what I mean. Visiting my Dad’s brother Erv was really great too because he’s the only brother left and I curled up beside his chair like a little girl while he shared stories from when he and my dad hung out. He opened his bible and read to me and even though I don’t like when people read like that to me, he was humbled in his life even though he was a fountain of knowledge overall. I almost didn’t care what he was saying. His voice sounded like my Daddy and I was carried away into a million thoughts.

I guess this cold was just the price of admission for some of these visits and memories. It’s like the mud on your shoes after you make it home from a broken-down car. You feel like the journey was a bit tough on ya, left some dirt on you but once you arrive, you are so thankful you made it and perhaps there were some cool moments that you could pocket in your diary. Ever woke up extra early to go meet someone or stayed awake to watch over someone? It’s a small price to pay. We should never view it as a nuisance although you may have to catch up after the fact.

I think most life experiences that are worthwhile are like that. I caught a cold but I had a great time with them. I feel lousy right now and can’t sleep but I have these awesome photos. Shirley is starting to look like my Gramma Stever a lot, so I’ve been thinking about her too. My cousin Mark in the pictures brought us all together again and I am ever so grateful to him. I haven’t had any personal riffs, but some people in the generations have. He’s shown me that you can just fly on past them all and be a family despite it.

I think I understand now why all the older people in my family love looking at photos so much. I’ve always loved them, but I’m just viewing them differently tonight. Maybe when you are too sick or too old you are more alone with photos…I dunno. I bet a single photo for a lonely soldier can go a long way, huh?

So ya, the cold sucks, memories ROCK, though!

Hope you are recovering from whatever the holidays did to you…

Karen :)

"In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future." ~Alex Haley

Is your life a Horror Movie?

I remember sitting in a room with a bunch of other rape and incest survivors. I didn’t want to be there, but you are told that by talking to other people with similar experiences that you can begin to heal or at least you don’t feel quite so alone in what happened to you.

I spent most of those meetings staring at the large clock on the wall hoping I could leave soon. These people didn’t know what I had been through. What I felt was true suffering compared to these dumb little stories was a mismatch of souls put together by some pitifully-run charitable organization and I didn’t think it was working. I basically left every meeting feeling like these people tripped and scraped their knee and I was beaten in a dark alley.

I’ve had similar experiences throughout my life where I felt very condescending towards others thinking their version of a bad life was whiny and pathetic. This was before the internet.

I have since heard stories from people younger, my age and older that make my alley-style life look like a knee scrape. The stories from some people who have come here from other countries make my jaw drop. What’s the lesson in it all? There is always someone who has it worse off than you.

This shouldn’t lessen our own pain, though. Just yesterday I spoke with someone who I think came the closest to having it exactly like me. Their story pretty much mirrored mine. I wouldn’t say really any worse or any better (even though if looked at under a magnifying glass, there would be a difference I’m sure) and it dawned on me that since we all get to talk on a network with millions of people in a world with billions of people we can now find people who we relate to. We see it in music, in films and in the arts. If you like any genre of music, you will find others who like it too. If you like horror films, you will find others who enjoy them. There seems to be a huge selection of like-minded people out there to pick the brains of and find comfort in their numbers.

When I do find the people with parallel lives, I am both thrilled and saddened. Those of us who seem to be healing from our bad past have done the same thing; made lemonade out of lemons (ya, I stretched my tired lil brain this morning for an alternate cliché, but that’s what we are going with) The thing about the music we love and the films we watch is that although they are mostly fictional, the best artists and filmmakers all understand the experience. It’s awful to think a person running away from a screaming chainsaw on the big screen is based off someone, somewhere in real life being chased, but it reaches into the heart of victims everywhere. Yes, you could leave the film feeling worse than when you came, but you could also walk away feeling pretty good about your history …and present life…not having it so bad.

So, if your life has felt like a horror movie, have you ever thought of writing one? Maybe your life hasn’t been quite that colorful, but you know others would benefit from reading about it.

For me personally, I initially do music to get things off my chest with not a lot of consideration for what others will think, but it’s been a tremendous blessing in my life to hear that what I am doing is positively affecting those who have also had a personal hell to deal with. I never imagined that any good could ever have come from those experiences. It turns out no matter how crazy our story is or how seemingly bland our existence is, there are others who are in our same boat. If I could go thousands of miles above earth and rearrange everyone into groups that were better matched, I would. If it was as simple as placing everyone like pins on a map, we’d all find more comfort.

For all its flaws, the internet is not only exposing sadness that needs attention, but its giving those who are hurting the opportunity to find groups who are like them.

And for those of you who write, paint, make music or films; your story can transform into a beautiful butterfly with potential to heal others. May I humbly encourage you to look for the good in your scenario…the hope in your world and the art in your sadness. As ugly as it is now, roses can grow from the ashes.

Now, if that isn’t the cheesiest thing you’ve ever heard; go grab your day!

ROCK ON my friends,

Karen :)

"Happiness is a direction, not a place." ~Sydney J. Harris

Wherever you go, there you are

Disoriented, tired with surreal flashes of WTF(where not what) am I? That’s me right now. (mostly due to connecting flights all over the US…gotta love the heavy Christmas traffic) In LA now...

I left LA mid December and spent weeks with family and friends back home in Canada. It’s a shocker to my little frame let me tell ya. The air is clearer in Ontario but much colder! (Obviously I wasn’t close to the Hamilton smokestacks, but did manage to visit family near the African Lion Safari) I wouldn’t say it was like the January and February months I spent as a child there digging my way through snow drifts by the apple orchards but there was enough snow in some areas to make me buy new gloves and winter boots.

In my opinion, some people have changed for the worse, some for the better, but not by a large fraction. With the exception of some nieces and nephews shooting up in height, my family is doing pretty much the same. All are happy and keeping busy with the flow of work and family life.

I left there thinking I was the one who had changed, but it’s mixed with moments of wondering if I was the same but just moving around a lot. I guess we all transform in some way…I don’t mean the obvious growth but I feel perspectives in my life have changed. Some of my visits were difficult to listen to people still prejudice in their old ways where I feel like I have learned to be tolerant…but then some of my visits were difficult because the people were doing simple things that I longed for. I often say travel breeds tolerance but I think there is something lovely about routine and tradition.

I feel like despite what I am missing in my life, I am still me. I still mixed in with the same jokes and craziness with family and still had wonderful visits with friends. Whether I am sleeping in my own bed or in a spare room somewhere, I still wake up to me. I wouldn’t say I am as lonely as I used to be. I think loneliness has nothing to do with being alone either. I have felt desperately lonely in the past with a house full of people. I guess what is happening is that I am reacquainting myself with me. I am learning how to take a 5 hour flight and be alone with my thoughts.

But mostly, I am feeling pretty creative and reconnecting with some old childhood friends. When I say childhood friends, I don’t actually mean real people. I mean the ones in my imagination (get yer straight jacket ready) I never realized until lately that the people I have been neglecting to visit the most were the spirits of imagination and creativity. The characters who are waiting to be written about! Remember when you were a child and you spent time with them? They are calling me now.

While I don’t believe much in new year’s resolutions, the timing is just falling here that I am having a new year’s revelation. The season’s visits are just making it obvious who I need to visit the most right now.

If I may be so bold to say, I think many of us are in need of visiting those spirits too! ;) I think when we do, it makes our visits with others that much better.

I hope that you are able to find what makes you passionate…not necessarily this year, this month or even this day…but that you experience a moment that brings you great joy!

Much love on ya!
Karen :)

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." ~Ernest Hemingway

I Had My Heart Set On It

My season so far has been unusual. For the most part it’s been good. Travelling around is harder in bad weather but you can kind of pick and choose a bit when you go.

I realized throughout this holiday how nomadic I am. Years back I did a mass exodus of most of my belongings and my dresser drawer is down to two. While travelling, I take a laptop and a backpack. I don’t own a home and my parents are both gone, so there isn’t a main family home to visit.

For a few years now, I have been looking at old buildings and churches with the thought of buying one to live in at some point. There was one I really loved and it sold, but the funny part is that I didn’t feel any disappointment. For about 5 seconds I thought, aw…that’s too bad…then I moved on. See, I have changed my entire perception about things. For many years, things dictated where I would stay, what job offers I would take and where I would live…but it was so freeing to consolidate how I did and now I feel like I am not too far away from being ok with buying a place to call home. I actually think I could buy a home, furnish it, and lose it all and still be ok with it because of my new perception of "things".

I was telling this to a friend who said she lost a home to another buyer (as though it was already hers to begin with) and she said, "Ya know…I just had my heart set on it." I believe this thought can stop us from looking for what is in front of us. It’s a sure way to experience disappointment and we seem to teach it to children young. Children at this time of year experience it with gifts. It’s nice to have some ideas about things, but should you really invest your heart in it?

Then it got me thinking about how I have had my heart set on people too. Talk about MAJOR disappointment. Is it not better to be open to the idea that something won’t come for us and someone won’t be there for us?

Fixating my heart in either scenario not only sets me up for disappointment but takes my eye off of the beautiful surprises life offers. It reminds me of when my driving instructor asked me to keep my eye further down the road than on the hood of my car.

I feel really wide-eyed and ready for what is next. If a cheap church or century home comes up and I am struck with the idea of getting it, I will…but I am more concerned if that is where I am supposed to be at the time according to the bigger plan that is waiting for me.

I won’t lie to you though, I could certainly make a lot more noise in it than an apartment. ;)

Just gotta be open to what comes my way.

I apologize for my really horrible reply time to emails, internet is questionable in my travels.

Much love on all of you this holiday season!

Karen :)

"Dreaming is one thing, and working towards the dream is one thing, but working with expectations in mind is very self-defeating." ~Michael Landon

The Jerry Springer Incident at My Hotel

Well, I am back from my first trip. I was in Orlando with friends…Cape Canaveral’s Beach was a highlight for me. I watched the Sandpipers for a very long time. If you have never seen them, they run quickly from the tide coming in and then as soon as it goes out again, they run quickly towards it picking up little bits in the sand.

The weather was humid compared to Los Angeles (which is abnormally cold right now but apparently compared with Ontario where I will be after the 15th of this month for quite a bit, it’s balmy) Overall I had a good time.

I had posted a status update about the chick who pulled the fire alarm at my hotel. I guess her and her roommate got into it (they seemed like women in their 20s) and the one ran out of her room yelling that the other stole money from her. She yanked the fire alarm, then people started coming out of their rooms to see what was going on. She proceeded to knock on everyone’s doors warning that her friend was a thief and she’d steal from us all! I went back in the room and called security and they said the police were on their way. The hotel manager and security were trying to get a straight story, she’s going off like some whack on Jerry Springer (oh in my status comment that was me yelling for Jerry Springer to help, she wasn’t yelling it….ha) Then a little while later, I hear some man in the hall say, "I’d never hit a woman, but I wanted to slap that crazy bitch!" I was thinking ‘WHERE am I?’ It felt like a Springer set. The man in the hall was telling some other people that he ended up having to shove her into a wall because she was so out of control and that was where the cut on her head came from. He said the Hotel Manager wanted a statement from him and he laughed and said, "I got no time to make some statement…" With that I laughed and shut my door thankful nobody wanted info from me. I was free. YAY!

Anyways, I now safe at home again until I leave for the cold North I grew up in. I will still have access to the internet for those of you who asked that….hahahaha but I am not mailing signed CDs until the new year. If you would like to order one, email me at stevermusic@hotmail.com and I can mail you one before I go. Same goes for CDs you would like to send as gifts. I can mail anything you want between now and Dec.14th. After that, it will be a few weeks into January.

And of course, anything you’d like to buy or send as a Christmas gift you can pay for in the new year when your finances are ok. I don’t mind helping with you giving gifts. I don’t charge interest. ;) They are $15 to send anywhere in the US and $18 to send outside the US. I’ll send right away, you pay when you can.

I hope that helps a bit. :)

Pouring back tons of tea today to keep warm!

Happy Holidays!!
Karen :)

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."~Helen Keller

HAVE FUN…whether you like it or not!

December is always a colorful month. It’s good to see holiday cheer beginning.

I haven’t really had a holiday in over a decade and this month I am taking family and friends up on invitations to go various places. It feels bizarre because I have been particularly shut in since Mom died on Dec 24th of 2001.

But, I am taking a different attitude and spending much of this month visiting and doing friend and family outings and travelling. I’m not gonna lie to you, I find it difficult and if you are a bit of a hermit, you may understand that.

Being a big ‘people watcher’, it’s interesting to see how other families react to the season which I suppose is part of what has turned me off of the holidays to begin with. But with taking on this fresh outlook, I am trying diligently not to be tainted by things I disagree with and let it slide a bit more. Public places really show bad parenting at its finest. Can you imagine what we don’t see?

Losing Mom was a wake-up call for me. I started out being very bitter that she was gone and people were still fighting. So I isolated myself for years. I realized that sweating the little holiday stuff is not worth it. It just doesn’t matter. I used to listen to arguments over which day someone would have Christmas, who would be hosting it, what food would be cooked, how much to spend on presents and despite everyone thinking the season is especially for little ones…the little ones would feel the biggest part of the stress. That bothers me when it’s parents fighting with their kids in an amusement park or shopping mall setting because those places were originally intended to bring people closer.(or uh, make money on bringing people closer…haha)

When I look back at my childhood, despite losing Daddy at a young age, my fondest memories were of me doing something or doing nothing WITH my Mother. I especially loved bringing a very large stack of books into her at night not necessarily with the hope of reading them all, but prolonging our time together before bed. It amazes me how parents are annoyed by it. If they really viewed it as it is, the child just loving to be with them, they might take a cooler approach to bedtime. I never argued with her over bedtime, she just made it enjoyable and I accepted the sleep part as being a necessary health thing for me because she explained it that way.

I know during the holidays depending on who I visit, I am going to see parents stressed out. As natural and somewhat normal as this is, if everyone jumped up into my Father’s airplane at a few thousand feet and looked down, they’d see how the little things don’t matter. I should say, the little quarrels don’t matter…because the hugs, kisses and small words are very important.

I know it’s economically been a tough year for many, but I am pretty sure most children could be ok with less ‘stuff’ if the parents would worry less about how the house looks and would get down on the ground and play with them. It’s my opinion that spending time WITH family rather than spending money ON family is what they will remember in 10, 20 and 50 years. I remember the toys and books where Mom played or read them with me. I only treasure those items because of the experience, not because of the bits and pieces themselves. There are so many great books now and many have forgotten about them. Kids love curling up with them if a parent is involved.

In other areas, there are lonely people (ie, families of soldiers etc) who would appreciate the time being spent also….of course, not just the holidays, but every day.

I hope all of you are able to take the opportunity this season to assess or reassess your relationship with your family, perhaps find someone you haven’t had a deep conversation with, ignore the housework and curl up on the sofa with them over tea.

I’m looking forward to doing just that.

Much love on you and Happy Holidays!

Karen :)

"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it." ~Marcelene Cox