Do you need to make a big decision?

About 5 years ago, I made a decision to move from Ontario to Los Angeles. That’s a little different than moving from one town to another. It’s a decision I didn’t take lightly and yet when I did decide to, I didn’t look back. I chose to bring one medium suitcase and one smaller one and said I would accumulate the essentials I needed after coming to LA. This wasn’t an "I’m going to LA to be famous" story, I had already solidified my pace before coming. There are Visas and tricky things between countries, so it isn’t just a simple jump. Never mind the crazy amount of thinking and spazzing out that goes on in the moments in between.

Today, I had to decide between 2 different types of juices in my fridge. I laughed and thought, "yeah uneventful is rather lovely."

It’s funny that before my big decision, I had so many pros and cons floating through my head. Some were real and some were imagined. Most of the things I put on the con side were a really big deal at the time, but now are not. Something like getting rid of my car was holding me to stay there so I could keep it, but I needed the extra cash to make the transition. The hardest thing was leaving certain people and leaving my pet of 12 years behind was devastating. I still go to tears over that. (before anyone questions that one, there’s a laundry list of reasons why I didn’t uproot her)

I’ve written before on my move, but what I want to focus on is the excuses we tell ourselves for why we can’t make the best decision for us. Most of these lies we feed ourselves are mostly due to not wanting to leave our comfort zone. I know someone in my extended family who stayed in a very bad marriage because she liked her house. I’ve seen people stay at their job because of benefits. Now of course, these days having a job is a great thing, but if someone is miserable, there should at least be a plan even if longer term, to move on.

Having to make a big decision is the type of thing that ruins our sleep. For me, I had approx 700 sleepless nights in a row before making it and several years of gradual insomnia before it. Yup, now you are talking years. Years of worry, years of paranoia, years of stress and years of spazzing out about it. The actual sting of the move really did pale in comparison to the years of fretting beforehand. In looking back, I sure wished I just did it and was done with it, but it took a lot of thinking and accumulated emotion to get me to make those lists I have made reference to and to strategize as opposed to just being reactionary.

One of the things I noticed about myself was a stubborn streak. (well, that hasn’t completely gone away…ha!) My fight was no longer with the people around me. It switched to being against myself. I waged a war against me. "I need to get out." "No, you should stay, you have to stay." "No, this is bad for me, I must leave" "Nope, you have responsibilities to everyone… in the whole town even!"

The final argument I had was, "You must stay, you are INVESTED."
INVESTED, oh wow. Like stocks and bonds I had to stay and babysit my INVESTMENT! That was a turning point within the many tiers of my decision. "I am WHAT???? Are you kidding me? I just finished my 700th sleepless night and that is supposed to be some sort of INVESTMENT? This is completely ridiculous and this needs to be cut off."

When I looked at my whole scenario, pros and cons, paranoia and fear, the clincher was that I finally and absolutely viewed the whole kit and caboodle as INVESTING! I invested my heart, my soul, my love, my friendship. But you know what I found to be the problem? Investments require payback, and my return SUCKED! I had no sense of purpose because I was too busy wondering why nobody gave a thing back instead of doing things in joy, love and a giving spirit. That’s when I knew there was no reason for me to be there. I wanted to get back to having purpose and meaning again. This is not to be mistaken for me selfishly looking for something for me, I just wanted to be able to have meaning and make a difference in some situation where I could be appreciated, again not in a selfish way, but where I knew I could do some good.

Hollywood isn’t where I will settle. I said this years ago. I am a Canadian and my heart will always be there, but the creative people I have been working with in Los Angeles are all driven by a purpose to make a difference in the music business and together, we have infiltrated record labels without them even seeing us. We’ve given opportunities to artists where the bigger industry has failed them. We have flown under the radar in a sneak attack for the last 5 years and are making an impact while the record label heads are making smarter choices that they "think" came from them.

There is truly no war though, we are doing it with a positive healthy creative vibe, reuniting the people who deserve recognition and helping heal the people who didn’t give it to them. Healing is ultimately what I want for everyone because I know how it feels to be in massive amounts of pain. I know what it’s like for bigger people to be at war with the little people. I have always been the little people.

My point in saying this is because today I feel like I am finding a wonderful purpose without using hate tactics or anger, without hurting anyone’s feelings and the best part of this? I can look in the mirror and feel good about it.

My biggest choice at the core of my decision was that I was going to return to the person I was before all the madness happened. I was going to approach everything with love and not side with anyone; Hollywood big shots or the little guy on the streets. (well, of course if I had to take a side with a gun to my head, you know who I would choose) I wanted to serve as a moderator who could be there to assist in healing BOTH sides.

Yes, the educated, realistic yet pessimistic side of me will always say, "You can’t change everyone" This goes without saying and you know what? I’m not going to include that in my vocabulary anymore because it’s so damn brutally obvious of a statement. What I CAN do; wake up every single day and just be open to where I am needed, how I can be instrumental in healing and how I can be a friend to not just the little guy but bring the top down a few notches to meet them; with love.

Don’t believe it can be done? It’s already happening. Yes, it’s easier to just stand your ground and "stand for something" with a group who "has your back" but reuniting people while encouraging both sides is a bit tricky but wow, so extraordinarily rewarding!

I write this in the hopes of encouraging others who feel pulled to be part of hateful movements to consider what it is doing to your own character and I write this in the hopes that if you are faced with a very important decision in your life, that you will do everything in your power to preserve your character, take the high road, rise about the gossip, hate and divisive groups and be YOU(or an improved version of YOU…heehee) –whoever that is. I believe we all still have the child spirit in us that looks for the good times, that values friendship and family, that places an emphasis on healing and forgiveness, that sees the beautiful innocence in things, recovers our optimism and strives to make this world and our communities more loving, more productive and worthwhile. I've learned this is called "the higher calling".

Each of us has the power to do this. Call me naive if you must, but I have not lived a sheltered life. I’ve seen way too much already and tried 1500 approaches. NOTHING works like love. Nothing feels as good as love either.

And you know what? Even if my love doesn’t work, I still can look into my mirror and fall into a wonderfully deep sleep because those 700 sleepless nights have to be recovered.

Much love on ya!
Karen :)
"You cannot catch a child's spirit by running after it; you must stand still and for love it will soon itself return." ~Arthur Miller


  1. I like this blog ~!
    This'll sound nuts lol but I always feel like to differnt people inside myself...agruging all the time... the postive person always wins but gets damn exhausted yell Shut up...gotta move...after my "nap" lol...
    YOU ROCK ~!

  2. Great stuff! I've been stewing over a decision about whether to leave my partner that I love very, very much. It'd mean moving on my own and I am scared to death but after reading this it has helped. I don't want to stay with someone who makes me feel bad just because of a time/money/comfort INVESTMENT. Thanks!