Wherever You Go, You Go Too

I had a lot of direct and indirect commentary surrounding the ‘Starting Over’ blog. It’s still amazing to me how many people are waiting for an environment change for their lives to change. I giggled a lot only because that is totally what I was doing.

My biggest transition was five years ago coming from Ontario, Canada to Los Angeles. The biggest change I noticed was sun every single day with the exception of a few weeks in the year where it would rain. The landscape felt very different due to the surrounding hills. I grew up with flat country cornfields all around me.

It’s one thing to come from a small town to a big town. I noticed a big change driving from my small town to Toronto years ago. Toronto seemed a bit intimidating. I didn’t have my driver’s license very long and the 401 and Gardiner Distressway (I like to call it) scared me a lot! It was too fast, too many cars and too confusing. By the time I would get to my auditions, I was completely frazzled.

Then I did some music tour-y stuff in NY and I gotta tell ya, Toronto looked more like my small town. New Yorkers are upfront and loud, but super crazy in a good way too. I love NY so much. I like how dark people dress and I like how fast you can get around.

Los Angeles is way too spread out. You can spend most of your time driving somewhere or sitting in traffic. I find people here very tolerant of our differences and very open to creativity. There is a joke with Canadian artists that you only get recognized in Canada if Los Angeles recognizes you. I’m not sure where the saying comes from, but I suspect people can feel very free to be themselves here without judgment and I really like that.

The thing is this; I spent way too much time in all my transitions looking for the external changes. A fresh coat of paint in our living room can certainly make us feel better when we are in the room. I believe color has its place and I do understand the affects of sunshine and how great it can be.

Sometimes we need an environmental change just to give us some breathing room to figure it all out. My issue before moving here was that I lived in a very angry infected environment so I was always too mad or too sad or too constantly bombarded to just breathe. I go to the point where I couldn’t even catch my breath. I’ve always said I wasn’t running from a problem but running to a solution.

In looking back though, it wasn’t a solution I was looking for out in the world, I was looking for some stillness so I could just figure it out. You know, ‘Just let me think for second, wouldja?’ –That mentality.

The best part of my growth definitely came while living in the storm. I just didn’t know it then. I started off by being silent, withdrawing…then I would break out in anger and then retreat in sadness and silence. It was a horrible ritual of attack, retreat, attack, retreat. It was truly my fox hole.

That is massively tough on your emotions after a while. I started to look for solutions outside of that. I would try to say things differently and I would try every new angle possible. Once I felt like I had exhausted those angles in 20 different languages or dialects, I decided it was over. When I wanted to take my own life, I knew I had to get out.

I would hate to think people couldn’t get out of their unhealthy situations unless they reached that edge on the cliff. What I was able to do though was something from the Funeral Mute song, ‘bite my tongue & bide my time’. It’s part of having a game plan.

So I did everything I was supposed to do to change everything and it took a long time. My situation was clearly a case where MASSIVE change had to happen or I was simply going to die. The one thing I hated that I had to put on hold was working on my character. It wasn’t until I was surrounded by some very cool people who inspired me to want to improve myself did I attempt it. I realized that parts I didn’t like came along on the move. I wished I could have left those back there too!

As it turns out, there is no one dumping ground for the bad traits. They don’t stay at the last house or apartment you lived in. The newness of environment gave me a chance to breathe, but I still had to face the demons eventually.

The groovy part is I could breathe and think long and hard because I had nobody around me to clutter me up. That was a good thing. But over the years, the parts of my character that have been shaped the coolest in my mind (maybe others would disagree) happened during volatile conflict. If I could take a deep breath and listen to a hot-headed client instead of yelling back, I would mark a point in my mind. I would sometimes take a bathroom break and go look in the mirror and crack a smile and think, ‘You just pulled a Frank…nice one Karen.’ (I’ve told you guys before, Frank stays on point and never angry which I admire) I am most proud of myself for remaining calm, cool and collected when everyone is on fire around me. For anyone who is in the audio field, you will know that if you push up all the faders on a console, you won’t hear things better. Some faders have to come down. I find the same thing in heated discussions.

I know there are so many people facing big changes, but there is beauty in learning the calmer skills in the crazier storm. It’s a skill that truly will follow you wherever you go…and storms will come and go too.

Very proud to say I managed to NOT flip the bird in NYC, (That is a BIG point for anyone…lol)

Karen :)

“The life of inner peace, being harmonious and without stress, is the easiest type of existence.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

Do You See The Peripheral Pain?

The written blog contains some of the Video Blog;

I never went to my Father’s funeral. This was a decision my Mother apologized for many times to me. I am not annoyed at her in the least. I think she wanted to protect me in some way. I was the youngest of four and she was a new widow. He died in a plane crash and so this was the ultimate Kung Fu kick our family received. She opted for me to stay home with a younger cousin and an older cousin stayed and watched us.

By not going to the funeral, I saw everything from a different angle. My home wasn’t usually sad and I heard a lot of people hugging, crying and saying sorry. I had a very weird memory of a guy delivering all the wreaths and flowers after to our house. He had a hook for a hand and I had some nightmares about him. Nobody was there to explain that he had no hand. I just thought it was bizarre.

It was perfectly bizarre to have every countertop and floor space in our home occupied by flowers. I think people give donations now a lot more, but back then, it was flowers…hundreds of them…creepy really.

Not too long ago, one of my cousins recalled my brother crying by a tree out back while everyone was congregating inside. I didn’t know that until quite recently. It showed me a couple of things. This cousin’s heart was big enough to notice something outside the hub and it also showed me that quite often the apparent catastrophe is not necessarily the only crisis.

This has been happening to me this week. The obvious sadness is Gramma’s death. I have been feeling it from siblings and cousins and have received lots of condolences and emails…thank you! But while this is going on, I am seeing all these overshadowed pockets of sadness going on in my peripheral.

Without talking about family and friends too much (because as I have said, they have not opted into my more public world) there are some other things happening which are of great concern. There was a car accident, a suicide attempt and some other things outside of the whole funeral situation which has been catching my peripheral much like my cousin spotting my brother crying under the tree years ago.

Gramma lived a very long life. I am super happy to have had such a fantastic lady at the top of our family. It’s obviously sad but sometimes I feel like our energy needs to go to where the immediate needs are. Sometimes the big news can distract us from the pain going on somewhere else.

Spotting peripheral pain isn’t something everyone is capable of doing. I am definitely trying to keep an eye out for it. It’s kind of like spotting a homeless person during a parade. You are there with family having a grand ol’ time and then someone in the family spots them. I am glad there are people like my cousin who spotted my brother.

This is the finest part of compassion. My Dad would have wanted people to comfort his children. My Gramma would want us to be taking care of these peripheral problems.

I don’t feel the need to go fix everyone though. This is a burden that has been lifted from me for a while now. I used to be so controlling that I thought if I could just elbow my way in, I could fix everyone. It turns out it’s me who needs the fixing and it’s them who needs my love.

Being available to simply listen can make a world of difference to someone. So, lots of phone calls right now.

Maybe there is someone who has been on your mind today who could use a phone call. We shouldn’t be waiting for someone to try to kill themselves to be available to them as a friend. We shouldn’t wait until there is a funeral or accident to be there for them.

Listening is easy, it does take time…but we find time for movies, internet and TV, so I am sure we can find time to listen.

Feeling heavy but not overwhelmed,

Karen :)

“If we are to change our world view, images have to change. The artist now has a very important job to do. He's not a little peripheral figure entertaining rich people, he's really needed.” ~Vaclav Havel

'Something Has to Give'

The Video contains much of the written content below for those who have requested it in video format. :)

It’s a phrase I am hearing a lot. I’ll hear it in conjunction with unemployment, abuse, sleep deprivation, career…

I think it’s something that is said when someone has been through hell and can’t seem to get out of hell. I feel like it’s almost like sitting at your bedroom window and making a wish on the stars.

If you have ever tried to build a house of cards, you know at some point (depending on how strong your base is) something is going to bring the whole mess down. That is the negative part of the saying indicating something is simply unable to support it. Something gives and crumbles.

But we use the sentence like it’s a form of hope. In other words, you have either applied so much pressure to change something or someone that you now feel entitled to it or them giving in. Maybe, so much has been applied to your situation and you simply can’t imagine anything else piling on top so you say, ‘something has to give’. That phrase also signifies that we are entitled to change. Basically, if we get angry enough, incite enough riots, stay busy, work work work, change will happen because enough pressure was applied.

‘When my ship comes in’ isn’t too far from the tree here either. It is also a phrase of hope which kills time and keeps us at bay. Unfortunately, it does just that; keeps us at bay. Like the castaways on Gilligan’s Island or Lost, we stare at a horizon line for long periods of time waiting for the ship to come and save the day. Hope can be a lovely thing, but I believe the problem happens when we consider our hope an investment.

I was really sad to watch one of the Planet Earth series where a baby elephant was separated from its Mother. What joy I felt when I found out it has picked up on her scent again! Then the camera zoomed out, way out to divulge the little baby was on her scent but heading in the direction of where she had already been, the wrong direction. Talk about an investment of time! The narrator said unfortunately, the baby would eventually die. I was outraged because of the time invested. I was cheering this little elephant on and I was hopeful! Why don’t they step in and save him? Well apparently they are not supposed to step in, only document and observe. (May I add that they saved a baby penguin in another segment of the show that was in a hole, but don’t get me started…)

What I realized in watching this all go down is that time invested does not equate to a happy ending. In fact, sometimes the more time we spend going in the wrong direction puts us at greater risk for being completely lost.

Why are we so stuck on doing the same thing over and over even though it’s not working? Have you ever made pie dough? Mom used to say, “If you can’t get that thing rolled flat in the first 5 minutes, it’s junk.” The thing about making it, is unlike bread dough, it doesn’t like to be overworked. It simply just has to be done properly. That’s it.

But I invested a half a cup of shortening and lots of flour! I can’t throw it out! Mom would say, “You’ll be piecing that thing into the pie plate in one inch sections then.”

That actually does work. You can make a whole pie shell from one inch pieces. But an hour later, you could have made 2 dozen cookies, some brownies, a black forest cake and some pulling taffy.

I have the stubborn Stever streak from my Father. I was all about proving a point. This wasn’t because my method was very good, but because I was embarrassed about my failure and like a dead horse, I beat the pie dough into submission. It’d be an ok pie, but I’d look over at Mom and she’d be at a loss for where to put her enormous piles of treats.

I realized that the 80’s lyrical reference “foolish pride” was pretty prevalent. My own pride was actually stopping me from recognizing hidden talents. I totally know how to make all those sweets now. Why didn’t I just listen to her then?

I try now to look at my day and spot where my skipping record is. If I am doing something that ‘should’ take 10 minutes and hours have passed, am I looking at it from the same angle? Am I just complaining a lot and doing nothing? But the bigger lesson is, there is probably a lesson to be learned first.

Why we mimic what everyone around us is doing while they flail is beyond me. ‘Something has to give’ is now discarded from my vocabulary because actually, something does not HAVE to give. It can give if it wants to or it can never give.

Perhaps the better phrase is something has to change…but I would argue, some ONE has to change. That is the person in the mirror.

I know life seems difficult, but working hard does not always mean working smart. Working smart requires education before action. Had I watched Mom a bit longer and educated myself on all the things that would make my pie-dough making more efficient, I could have saved myself a ton of time and had more treats piling up.

Einstein’s definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I think he recognized life was trial and error. We recognize it is too, but man…we just love to see that error pop up over and over again. It’s like staring at the empty place on the grocery shelf where your favorite snack usually is. At a certain point, if the grocery manager says they are out of stock, you sort of have to move on!

Being stubborn has served me well in many areas of my life. Being driven is a good thing but driving ahead means you are moving. When we are sitting still wishing for movement or change, it goes against the laws of the Universe.

The answers are out there. Sometimes we have to go back to Mom and ask for some assistance while other times we simply have to try again. Trying again should be accompanied by a healthy dose of education. It’s just tough to give up the invested time…and of course we age and become tired. Whatever we went through was exhausting.

I hope you can muster up the energy to sit back and develop an overview of your scenario and start fresh. I personally had to gain perspective first. I realized that just because the gun goes off, it doesn’t mean I am ready to run. I may have training to do first.

Hoping we’ve seen the end of foolish pride used in a song,

Karen :)

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” ~Albert Einstein

Are you waiting for others to change?

Have you ever sat in therapy or with a counselor…even in a friend’s living room and they dispensed some really great advice or just said something remarkable and you found yourself saying, “Yeah, well tell that to__________” (insert boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, child, teacher or politician’s name)?

I had a really good habit of doing it most of my life. I’m still not completely over it, but my realization of what is wrong with that is assisting me in moving forward in strides now as opposed to the baby steps or even backward movement I was experiencing before.

In my assessment, my blame was probably put in the right place. The people who abused me WERE in the wrong. You won’t hear me stick up for them. The assaults against me WERE wrong. You won’t hear me defend those who did it. However, the sentence has rendered itself completely useless in my vocabulary. I can’t ever remember a friend responding by saying, “Yes let’s call them up and tell them.” It’s just banter that happens between friends or in therapy.

I believe the point of the sentence is to alleviate our own grief or guilt whether warranted or not. We’re basically saying, “I’m not the problem, they are.” Once again, let me establish they very well may be the problem indeed! The issue I see is that the sentence puts all potential progress at a standstill where it can either rot or fester. The deterioration of our character is sure to follow, at least for me it did.

The sentence stopped me from zooming out. When I think of the word perspective, I always think of my Father who built his own airplanes. He used to say, “Don’t worry about it. You’ll never see it from thousands of feet.” I believe he said it in relation to the blemishes on our lives. We quite often are so zoomed in on something, we don’t know how to back off a bit. I remember the first hair salon I worked in, my boss called me over during a haircut and pointed back at my client. The bottom line of the hair was slightly crooked. She said, “When you make a cut, take a few steps back and do a quick assessment.” She taught me perspective.

When I zoom out on the people who I believe own the blame, I realize that the farther you zoom out, the clearer the picture. You start to see the inherited or environmental problems people have. You start to see where their baggage came from. You begin to see that their actions are a direct result of something much bigger. When someone snaps at you it may be because they are still dealing with childhood abuse or damage. So, saying something like, “Yeah, well tell that to__________” is not going to change them or their actions. If they were TOLD to do stuff their whole life and were never TAUGHT to make decisions and choices, you telling them isn’t going to work either. The foundation we established from childhood tends to be the determining factor in how long the building stays up. How well we were raised can have absolutely nothing to do with our poor adult choices or it can have everything to do with them. The point is, we simply DON’T KNOW.

My next instinct after getting over this hurdle was to say, “Well, screw them, I can’t change them.” What generally and sadly…and truthfully happens to those people is they get thrown into a bin of people who cannot be changed. We use phrases like, “yeah well the world is a tough place” or “too bad, they aren’t my problem” or “life’s a bitch, that’s the reality”.

There are cases where we cannot change people. It can be argued that nobody can change anybody. But this fact has been overused about as much as pop music has been overplayed. How do we graduate to a higher level of humanity and move onto something greater than ourselves? For me, it’s been the word forgiveness. You’ll hear me say, “I don’t have to date them, marry them, hang out with them, go for drinks with them” a lot. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean you are relieving them or rewarding them but it does mean you have graduated to a higher level of being the bigger person and have learned what taking the high road makes you capable of accomplishing. It means you want to be able to look at yourself in the mirror. It means you can come to at least the consensus that they are very, very messed up and therefore their mean spirit was cooked up in a lab somewhere or they seriously just don’t know what they are doing or have done to you. Sometimes, it’s a simple case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time and where we were dropped on the earth gave a bad start.

I’ve also been learning that there are synonyms you won’t find in a book. Depression can come out as anger. Jealousy can be disguised as hate. Abuse can be lack of control. I know it’s so hard to zoom out on these people we wish could change, but I feel so very triumphant when the love I show can turn someone around. We don’t have to view love as mushy and weak. Love outside of the current media portrayal is a prevailing force stronger than anything. It flies in under the radar sometimes while other times it smacks you directly and humbles you to an apple high. It should at the very least be our first line of defense and attack…and at the very most; it should be overwhelming our arsenal to assist in the healing our families and friends need so desperately.

Oh by the way, my initial question, “Are you waiting for others to change?” I don’t think anyone will admit that is what they are doing when they are doing it. I sincerely don’t expect a “yes” from anyone.

Rest assured though, I believe if we aren’t willing to change ourselves or our situation…it’s EXACTLY what we are doing. ;)

MUCH love on ya!!!

Karen :)

“People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Butterfly and the Storm

I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have actually gone away. Growing up, the farm keeps you close, work doesn’t allow too many days off or you are too far behind on your list so you don’t do it. I just decided to do it no matter how crazy things were because if you can’t make time, you just take it anyways. So far, I haven’t been able to manufacture more hours than 24, so away I went!

While I would love to fill everyone in on details and would love to answer every single last question many of you have had, I was with family. As open as I like to try and be, none of my family opted into my world and so I keep their lives private more than my own. Anytime something just concerns me, I’d be more than happy to share. This is no different for any of you out there who have told me something private, given me mailing information etc. It’s not my business to share those details with anyone else. Hope that makes sense!

But I will go on to say I personally had a lovely time and really didn’t understand how much I needed to get away from everything. I almost hesitate to even say that because I don’t feel the need to get away so much these days. I am reminded of some hellish moments in my life where getting away meant my survival! But when you leave your normal schedule and enter a world that involves socializing and family you realize how many tiny details you’ve missed that really are very big.

Something I do every day is ask the Creator where I am needed and try to be open to learning new things or at least a new perspective. I had two awesome moments where I felt like I saw this new angle. One was through a butterfly and one was through a storm.

I can’t even begin to count the number of times my Mother’s memory has become very fresh and real to me through butterflies and ladybugs. There have been all these cool moments where I have felt sad, lonely, desperate or depressed and a ladybug will land on me or a butterfly visits. I’ve always likened the butterfly to hope, change and metamorphosis and the ladybug is something my Mom used to use in analogies a lot. Ladybugs were always transferred to houseplants if we found them to eat the little aphids and I loved a song on Sesame Street called the Ladybug Picnic when I was a kid. ;)

Well I had a quiet walk along one of the Great Lake coasts where a butterfly followed me for almost the whole walk until I realized what a cool moment it was. I looked up and smiled at the Creator and Mom and thoroughly enjoyed the rest of my walk. I just needed that tiny moment for rejuvenation.

But nothing replenishes a tired spirit like watching a lightning storm from 34,000 feet. I have seen many storms growing up in Ontario, but never one like this. I was flying back to Los Angeles and the pilot had to re-route in order to avoid the storm. He came on the PA and said, “If you look to your right, you’ll see why I had to go another way.”

I was so thankful to have had a window seat on the right side of the plane for the whole flight. We were above these magnificent white fluffy clouds that looked like Snow Mountains and above them was a layer of storm clouds that had lightning shooting out from every available angle. I was terribly humbled and reflected on how small I was. The perspective I gained wasn’t that of feeling emotionally small, but I came to a whole new level of understanding how my petty issues would never and could never change the massively brilliant and overwhelming power that was happening above us, not to mention underneath us and around us all.

I was struck with a lesson; the world doesn’t really change, I do. I’ll try and keep that a fairly broad stroke of the brush, because obviously the world is changing, it’s just staying the course of its path which is a more logical route of change. I have felt less of a need to even understand it all, I am just super excited to insert myself inside it all. I take great comfort in it because it means I can give up control a little more, I can be more tolerant and most of all, the things we tend to worry or argue about are completely useless because that lightning cloud will strike when it wants to. It’s really more about continuing to mold my own character and most importantly, it’s vital that I understand how the bigger picture functions so I can ride the wave instead of trying to swim against it. Fighting a current may seem like fun or even feel like we are making progress, but really, this world is perfect outside of what we have screwed up and it’s waiting for us to jump on its train. I feel more than ready to do that. Head-banging belongs at a concert, not against a wall. :)

Then, think about how many layers we are living under. We see the ceiling in our room, but not the house. We see the roof, but not the clouds…but above those clouds is a whole universe at work. I have had the tendency to only see to the top of the space inside my own head! The world is at work and doing amazing things if we just tip our heads upwards more often.

I am very happy to be back. I am working on some very creative projects that I enjoy and I’ve missed everyone this week! My internet was disgustingly slow and often unavailable but maybe sometimes we need that too.

Much love on ya!

Karen :)

“Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Turning Your World Upside Down

One of the biggest changes I made in my life happened because it was forced on me. My physical stamina and mental health broke down to a point of too close to being a candidate for a mental institution. Reason was absurd to me, happiness was a distant memory, sleep was a gift only given to a select few, my anger trumped right vs wrong and my debilitated state was whispered in close circles behind my back. I didn’t even want change, my head was simply held under the water long enough and I was involuntarily pushing for the surface to get some air. I literally would pass out upon standing up, the heart palpitations were so dominant I couldn’t hear myself think and parts of my limbs would go to pins and needles. This is otherwise known as a complete mental breakdown.

I entered a state of numb where I became quite robotic. It was as though my body went into survival mode without my consent and took the necessary steps to change my surroundings in order for me to be in a healthier environment. The environment change isn’t what began my healing process, it simply acted as an atmosphere where I could breathe…just breathe and regain some stability.

For me, my world changed for the better. It was one of the scariest transitions I have had to face in my life and yet it was not something I was completely aware of at the time. It’s only in looking back that I am happy with what transpired because I wasn’t very happy while going through it.

Sometimes we are faced with the decision to turn our world upside down and we are hesitant. Sometimes a small step is all that is required to propel the rest. I am left with the feeling of, ‘why couldn’t I have implemented it before I became a complete wreck?’ I think the answer is a common one. I had hoped change would have gone a different way or thought the situation could have simply fixed itself. This rarely happens when something starts to really slide.

The problem with rolling down a hill, is that it’s very difficult half way to break the fall yourself. You either have to stay away from the edge altogether, recover once the fall is over (like I did) but hope the injury wasn’t beyond recovery or in some cases you can break the fall by rearranging your limbs to slow it down. The problem with that is, you may break some bones to save yourself from death. It’s deciding what the greater evil is.

One of the things that happen often, is a family member or friend will come along part way down and stop your complete demise. This is like an angel coming along. I am grateful for those who slowed my fall down just enough that I am still here.

Of course none of us want to face that edge, but it would be nice to turn our world upside down while we still have our wits about us. I think it’s natural to wait…and wait…and wait…

I believe we have this amazing thing called ‘instinct’ that we all too often ignore. It’s when our body is smarter than we are and demands change before we are ready to hear it.

From now on, when I find myself over thinking something that I know deep down has to be a certain way, I just follow it. It saves me loads of grief.

Take care of YOU!
Karen :)

"Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open." ~Alexander Graham Bell