One of the biggest changes I made in my life happened because it was forced on me. My physical stamina and mental health broke down to a point of too close to being a candidate for a mental institution. Reason was absurd to me, happiness was a distant memory, sleep was a gift only given to a select few, my anger trumped right vs wrong and my debilitated state was whispered in close circles behind my back. I didn’t even want change, my head was simply held under the water long enough and I was involuntarily pushing for the surface to get some air. I literally would pass out upon standing up, the heart palpitations were so dominant I couldn’t hear myself think and parts of my limbs would go to pins and needles. This is otherwise known as a complete mental breakdown.
I entered a state of numb where I became quite robotic. It was as though my body went into survival mode without my consent and took the necessary steps to change my surroundings in order for me to be in a healthier environment. The environment change isn’t what began my healing process, it simply acted as an atmosphere where I could breathe…just breathe and regain some stability.
For me, my world changed for the better. It was one of the scariest transitions I have had to face in my life and yet it was not something I was completely aware of at the time. It’s only in looking back that I am happy with what transpired because I wasn’t very happy while going through it.
Sometimes we are faced with the decision to turn our world upside down and we are hesitant. Sometimes a small step is all that is required to propel the rest. I am left with the feeling of, ‘why couldn’t I have implemented it before I became a complete wreck?’ I think the answer is a common one. I had hoped change would have gone a different way or thought the situation could have simply fixed itself. This rarely happens when something starts to really slide.
The problem with rolling down a hill, is that it’s very difficult half way to break the fall yourself. You either have to stay away from the edge altogether, recover once the fall is over (like I did) but hope the injury wasn’t beyond recovery or in some cases you can break the fall by rearranging your limbs to slow it down. The problem with that is, you may break some bones to save yourself from death. It’s deciding what the greater evil is.
One of the things that happen often, is a family member or friend will come along part way down and stop your complete demise. This is like an angel coming along. I am grateful for those who slowed my fall down just enough that I am still here.
Of course none of us want to face that edge, but it would be nice to turn our world upside down while we still have our wits about us. I think it’s natural to wait…and wait…and wait…
I believe we have this amazing thing called ‘instinct’ that we all too often ignore. It’s when our body is smarter than we are and demands change before we are ready to hear it.
From now on, when I find myself over thinking something that I know deep down has to be a certain way, I just follow it. It saves me loads of grief.
Take care of YOU!
Karen :)
"Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open." ~Alexander Graham Bell
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