Did Someone Rip Your Head Off?

"Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something." - ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Today, I took the brunt of someone’s frustration with someone else in their life. It’s a classic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Luckily, I understand it’s not me, so I don’t have to internalize it and feel bad.

This happens in relationships where we are someone’s punching bag. If the H. Jackson Brown Jr quote is true that everyone is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something, then it would stand to reason we all have the capability of running into someone at the exact moment they are experiencing something scary.

It reminds me of a time I was at the Airport and someone freaked out quickly and said, ‘My contact lens! Everybody stop!’ Well, there must have been many sympathetic people who have lost their lenses before because they obeyed the guy immediately. Everyone froze as though they were turned to stone by a wicked witch. They had the respect to sympathize because they had been through it. Most people instinctively crouched instead of walked and started to scour the floor. Someone finally pointed and said there it is and the person who lost it, picked it up and walked over and gave a very grateful handshake with a big smile and said thank you. Their thank you was followed up by an apology to everyone for snapping their heads off at the moment they realized they lost it.

This is a case of cutting each other some slack because the people who also wear contact lenses could relate to the loss the man was feeling.

People who have fully experienced fear and loss seem to be the best at giving hugs. They have the ability to diagnose the problem almost without asking and I think they put themselves in the shoes of the truly sad. They can put themselves there easily because they have either been there or are going through the same thing at the same time.

It’s one thing to comfort sadness, but I believe it’s a completely different skill to comfort anger. It’s so easy to think it’s directed to us especially if they are within inches of our face. Now I have always said that we don’t have to be anyone’s punching bag, but in the same token, if it truly isn’t towards us, if we are just witnessing frustration, the best thing we can do is crouch down and help look for the lens. The people at the airport were interested in a solution first. Then they all smiled and giggled at the hot-headed man because I think they may have done the same thing; that is what it means to cut each other some slack.

The brunt of frustration that I received wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. I tried to focus on coming to a quick sympathetic solution and then it calmed down fairly quickly. I received an apology and we laughed about it. I cut the slack because I recognized that I had done the same thing to someone who didn’t deserve it. It’s another form of paying-it-forward. Had it escalated to the point where it passed into abusive language, that would be a different story. This was a fairly easy fix when rational dialog was applied. I just received it at the exact time of day they were feeling especially hot-headed. No big deal, people are passionate.

December can be a different type of stress for people too. The holiday season is supposed to be cheerful, but truthfully, it’s a time when people really beat themselves up for not having the money for gifts. If you are starting off with new kids in the family, my humble suggestion is to set a standard of one or two gifts in the event that in future years you don’t have the money. I think too many people have gone overboard in the past, so the expectation is to one-up the last year or at least match it. But, kids are more resilient than we think. If we explain that money is tight and that it’s just a situation that has nothing to do with our love for them, most kids (if we give them the credit) are pretty understanding. Taking them to see less fortunate people can also put it in perspective. There are things in this life that truly deserve our attention and our frustration over the small things.

It’s good to know that we aren’t alone in our fear, frustration, anger and loss. There is a good chance someone you meet today will be feeling it. The best thing we can do is show some tolerance, cut some slack and offer a hug or solution.

I am so impressed with how many people in my life have offered to be a listener. That is more valuable to most people. Coming to a solution is much easier than trying to get rid of fear and the feeling of loss.

Glad I don’t wear contact lenses, they sound like they cost a hundred thousand dollars each,

Karen :)

One of my very favorite quotes;

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~Plato

Can You Finally Just Ditch It?

In my cleaning lately (with intent on moving at some point) I have run across several memories of yesteryears. These are things that I have simply had to look at and say, “Do I use this, yes or no?” and that is about the extent of the deciding factor in whether or not I keep it. That is the simplified version of cleaning things out.

I’ve moved many times in my life and have gone through many hellish moments where I sat cross-legged on the floor, on the couch, on my bed and stared at some old memory which didn’t make me feel good. It could have been a letter, a picture, a gift or dried-up flower.

I’ve done this with emails too and I noticed a comment from a friend who said he was going through his email account and finally ditching the emails from his ex-wife when they were first getting to know each other. I think we all have a huge history of things like that. The idea of keeping them is great if you stay together forever. You’d hate to ditch them in the event that you got back together so there you are tethered to something where you aren’t holding on and you aren’t letting go. I have cleaned house on many accounts like that over the years where I asked myself why I was keeping them and what purpose it served.

Some people have the miraculous gift of being able to catalog all memories like chapters of a book where they can look back at past relationships and openly view them as chapters which have contributed to who we are. But the problem is when our emotions sit in a state of limbo much like what I suspect happened with these emails he is ditching. I think he maybe asked himself if it was time to get rid of them now or maybe it hurt him too much to see them, so he is ditching them to start fresh.

I think the mind obviously has to be in sync with the action, but sometimes a simple action like ditching the reminder can assist us in our healing. Maybe he is making room for new possibilities which would be an exciting angle to take! I would hope though that by cleaning it out, he has decided that they simply serve no purpose in contributing something positive to his spirit. That is my reason for ditching things like that.

Pictures might be the most painful (or maybe a wedding video would be worse) but the photos might be the most common thing. The paper they are printed on seems like something you shouldn’t throw out and for the most part they are stored in corners of our house that when we look at them simply remind us of how crappy of a house-keeper we are. Lol And who wants THAT reminder, right?

Again, my biggest assessment in ditching things is “Do I use this, yes or no?” but that could morph easily into, ‘Is this person part of my life, yes or no?’ and if the answer is no, what does keeping a photo or letter assist in accomplishing? The better question might be, ‘Is this person a healthy part of my life?’ I don’t throw away items from my Mother who died because she was an inspiring and loving part of my life and very involved in developing my character.

I feel it is extraordinarily painful to see the reminders of things we consider a failure but I think the more painful thing lying in the heart of the matter is our broken heart. I think we should do whatever we need to in order to get it healed so that we can look forward with bright eyes and live the life we were meant to. If that means photos and letters go in the garbage, so be it. They are material things that can be heavy weights on our hearts and those items are NOT the person anyways. If you have made a choice to not be with or around the individual, keeping the remnants can be poisonous and send our unhealthy spirits into a whirlwind of self-destruction.

My thought is that if you were to ever meet up with the person again, you could start fresh and create new memories anyways. It’s detrimental to a reunion to bring old skeletons along for the ride anyways.

My skeletons are only allowed to come along if they pick up an instrument. ;)

Finally ditched my 5 year old Tortilla chip with the smiley face on it,

Karen :)

“Too many people have been analyzing their pasts, their childhoods, their memories, their parents, and realizing that it doesn't do anything-or that it doesn't do enough.”
~James Hillman

What Are You Getting From the Internet?

“I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection.” ~Leonardo da Vinci

If you look at the quote long enough, you might think it’s a bit creepy. Who would smile in trouble? I think it’s like a comedian laughing in the face of adversity. People like Bill Cosby have been making us laugh about our struggles for many years.

The gathering of ‘strength from distress part’ is something that I never understood until I actually did that. It’s like when you have the extra adrenaline kick in at the end when you think you have nothing left.

‘Growing brave by reflection’ is multi-faceted to me. Do you remember the picture online of the kitty who looks in the mirror and sees a lion looking back at him? Or how about on SNL when Stuart Smalley says, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me?”

Reflection to me also is the deep root of philosophy and why I love to dissect everything and rip stuff apart. I do this when I am working on music as well. Someone will send me tracks and I will have to solo parts to see what needs the attention. I feel like reflection is a bit different than stewing. I view reflection as a cool place we arrive at where we can look at ourselves, our situation and past things that have happened and grow brave from it all instead of it making us fearful. How many times have you looked back through a photo album and saw people from your past and past relationships? It can make you smile, cry or feel completely awful. Regret and sadness can make us feel worthless or even long for things the way they used to be.

It was Teresa Clayton who had asked me about the topic of love and friendship within the internet community. Teresa is awesome at showing love and friendship and I think of her often when I think about online friendship. I was thinking this morning about how an online community has become more of a friend for many people than real people.

We seem to be in a cool new phase of friendship on the net. For a while, there I was hearing everyone becoming fearful of people not interacting with each other in real life…but I am feeling that shift now.
The good part of having these online friendships is people feel much safer (I don’t mean about online stalking etc) but safer opening up to each other. The thing about consolidated words in email, comments or even video is people feel like they have a bit of time to digest what they are hearing and prepare something they want to say. The communication seems better overall, but I think the best thing that happens which can really cultivate an online friendship is safety in being honest. When you have to live with the consequence of someone at home, you have to react quickly and you might be so cluttered by the things that are going on, your communication becomes messy and you say things that you either don’t mean or you were pressured by time to say. Again though, I don’t think people feel like what they say to someone online holds the same consequence. Keep in mind, this is in friendship…people have no problem offending in other corners of the net, but I don’t go there. J

Of course there are hiccups in online communities but I think there could be more hiccups if all these people got in the room with each other. It would be awesome to meet some of our online friends, but most people feel like the friends they have picked online are a good escape and you can go to them when you want. It feels more like what friendship SHOULD be.

It is however indicative of how cluttered we must feel at home. Not all of us, of course. Many people have a good home life too. I do have some concerns that people are looking for love online when they don’t feel it at home. But you know what? Why shouldn’t they? I don’t mean this romantically, that’s a whole different topic. Why shouldn’t we have these awesome friendships online where we can see others smile in their trouble, who gather strength from the things that make them distressed and witness other people growing brave by reflection instead of fear or regret. We can find great leaders, great examples of love and friendship and many overcomers!

I believe the key though is to use the good parts of online community for our growth and to help others. When we find ourselves in high-tension arenas fighting over things that don’t matter, it becomes counter-productive. I hear many people who feel guilty about the time they spend online and we shouldn’t feel guilty about that if it’s nurturing us or we can nurture someone else. It’s only when we leave the computer feeling worse than when we sat down.

We are living in times where our technology can help us help each other IF that is our goal. Every time I sit in front of my computer, I am extremely mindful of how my time is spent. I don’t go to gossip or rant sites and I don’t engage in unhealthy conversation. If I get up and walk away feeling like I just killed time, It’s not good for me. There is nothing wrong with using it as entertainment (God knows I have watched my share of animal videos on it) but for the most part, I view the internet as a means to reach people and to feel a sense of love and compassion from people who want the same thing.

Something Teresa wrote on my page, “Amazing how a community can come together at the drop of a dime, forget their own drama and focus on sending healing love to each other.” I think the reason for this is because we place value on our friendships and therefore we protect them. For many of us, our online community is the one thing that is going well in our life. It’s like our last chocolate brownie. You will kill to defend it or you will die trying. ;)

I am constantly evaluating my online time so that it is always moving things forward positively. The internet has become a way of life and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing so long as we don’t feel depleted when we walk away. The better question should be, ‘What is the Internet Getting From Me?

Resisting the urge to type ‘cute puppies running around’ in the youtube search window,

Karen :)

“Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it.” ~Leonardo da Vinci

Do You Have Trust Issues?

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

‘But I’ve been burned!’ That is the statement I hear echoing through the chambers of the net when I say that. It reminds me of when W.C Fields said, “You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.” As funny as that quote is, that is how jaded we have become.

I do think William Shakespeare had a good balance when he said, “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” It seems about right.

I’m letting everyone know that STEVER CDs are available on the ‘pay when you can’ program. I have had people say, “How can you trust anyone to actually pay you?” My response is, “I like to be trusted, so I extend trust.” But I always follow up by saying, “If this was a piece of studio equipment I was selling on Ebay for $2000, I would get the money upfront. But this is 15 bucks.”

This seems to be how we work through life. If you take your car into the mechanic and he is changing the belt, you just trust him to use the belt he thinks will work. If the car needs significant work, you may opt to take it in for a second opinion or to someone you already trust. There are certain people in our world who we say we ‘trust with our life’ and other people who we ‘can’t trust as far as we could throw them’.

I think what has happened to people is we forget to extend trust to the smaller things. If you are going to meet someone for coffee, you just trust they will show up at the donut shop. You don’t get all hyper-sensitive and not make the meeting because you have trust issues that they won’t show up.

Unfortunately, some things in life require bigger trust in order to take a bigger step forward. For many of us, we know this as risk. If you’ve been in bad relationships, you may be too shy to try another one. You opt to live by yourself instead of trying again because the last half a dozen people broke your heart and your trust.

I think it’s important to handle people like that with care. I was thinking about the kitties I mentioned in yesterday’s blog who need a home. I was thinking about how when they do go to a new place, their instinct will be to trust nobody for a while. I’ve always said with cats, you have to let them come out from under the bed when they are ready to. A cat could stay under a bed in a new place for weeks before integrating themselves into the new place. Dogs sometimes will place too much trust too soon in people which makes them an easy target for abuse. I notice the alley cats that live here won’t let anyone come near them, but finally after watching them for many years, the lady next door pet one recently. She was patient and had the time to dedicate to winning their trust.

The whole thing I have learned about trust is that not everyone is a bad guy. I have had enough garbage happen to me that I could probably be warranted in saying I wasn’t going to trust anyone ever again. But I don’t want to live this way. It’s crippling to me and unfair to others around me. I think it’s good to be aware and listen to our instinct so we can protect ourselves, I just believe we should do it reasonably and with proper assessment and good judgment.

I like the idea of trusting people because the risk to reward ratio has turned out pretty good. I shouldn’t let the one bad apple spoil the bag.

I figure that I am a good person worthy of trust so I imagine I am not the only person out there who feels that way. There seems to be many people who live with a certain amount of integrity and hold true to their word. By extending some trust and taking a bit of risk, I am getting to know these lovely souls who I wouldn’t want to lose from my life.

I feel like I understand the balance of human nature a bit better to know now that when there is someone who breaks it, I can come to a quicker understanding that not everyone is like that. It’s a good reminder to not generalize anyone and stick them in a group.

Thinking that we grow so we can’t hide under the bed anymore…
Karen :)

“Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Are Your Emotions Making You Inactive?

You may have remember me mentioning how our friend Anja who owns the Border Collie named Panda got involved in the rescue of two other Collies. She along with many other people saved the dogs from being euthanized pretty much on the day they were set to be destroyed.

Anja shared with me how hard it was on her being a Border Collie owner herself. It’s so easy for our emotions to take over.

One of my friends on FB, Missy is the owner of two cats; Ape & Monkey who need homes by the end of this month. I know these kitties because I sent them a CD before. It’s funny how I mentioned Panda the Border Collie having a photo with a signed CD. Lol

These gorgeous kitty sisters live in Ohio. Their names are Ape & Monkey. Ape looks a lot like my Filthy cat but looks a lot like Teresa Clayton’s cat named Romeo! So, needless to say, I can get emotionally wrapped up in the welfare of any of these pets I have come to know.

Missy told me that Ape and Monkey are good girls who need a home due to losing theirs. This is a reality in America especially where people are overwhelmed at losing their own homes and so unfortunately the sad reality is that when you are trying to survive yourself, and you are losing everything, pets have to go to new homes. It’s extremely gut-wrenching for all of us who have a heavy heart for people and animals.

Having a heavy and compassionate heart has been a burden for me and it is for most sympathetic people. The problem is that while our emotions are indicative of our level of compassion, they can be both a burden and a hurdle.

Over the years my emotions have caused me to lose sleep. Most people don’t lie in bed and think of solutions for their problems, we tend to stew over them. It’s extraordinarily sad to think someone is losing their home and that animals need homes, but I have found my own emotions have stood in my way.

I have learned to like the quote, ‘Action is the antidote to despair.’ When our minds wander in hundreds of directions, we feel both overwhelmed by emotion and tired because of it. Then we render ourselves completely useless in finding a solution. When I feel my mind wander too much, I go back to my list and the task that is in front of me. I have managed to make my sleep sacred over the years now because I make a list, a game-plan and leave my list away from my bedroom. If I am faced with dilemmas, I look for viable solutions now rather than allowing my shaky emotions to make decisions.

Compassion is not a bad thing. I am very unwilling to give it up. It can initiate a lot of good and cause people to move towards action. Overwhelming sadness however doesn’t really accomplish anything except for debilitating us.

Many people are going through this because of lost jobs, lost homes, lost pets and many other things they have to surrender. We can throw ourselves into a tail-spin when ranting about who did it to us, or we can take matters into our own hands and figure out the solution to the problem. I believe we can’t wait for someone to knock on our door and offer a job, money or homes for our pets. I am not suggesting people aren’t doing enough, I am only saying that sadness while very real, doesn’t really pay the bills. Of course these are very sad things I am talking about here. If you feel compassion or sadness, bless your heart! You are alive! But those emotions should only be the key in the ignition. They don’t provide the gas and money for car repairs.

I am personally learning to be more decisive now and more pro-active. The two things I don’t allow to drive my car is angry outbursts and tears. I can get those emotions out quickly if needed, but they don’t hold the power to make real change happen.

I have compassion for people indeed, but I have a very soft spot for children and animals. Hearing any of these stories can rip my heart out if I allow them to. Now, I just resolve to do what I can and I don’t own anyone’s problems. However, I don’t get too angry with pet owners because for one, that anger does nothing and two; it might not be their fault that things got so out-of-control.

I also find omitting the emotion makes room for action and makes helping someone pretty easy. I can be more helpful to more people if I detach the emotion a bit and insert action. I never realized how many years I wasted from simply being too sad about everything. Now I don’t find being helpful as much of a burden.

Funny how I am seeing Filthy’s spirit everywhere, wonder if he’s the guy behind the curtain,

Karen :)

“The individual is capable of both great compassion and great indifference. He has it within his means to nourish the former and outgrow the latter.” ~Norman Cousins

How Do You Feel About Getting Older?

Well, my response is, “I’m only 8! I don’t think about that!” ;)

With the exception of making big plans for my 9th birthday, I barely look ahead. This is something that I always see people talking about though, so every once in a while I bring it up.

There seems to be three types of people;

The ones who want to grow old gracefully
The ones who try to fight it every step of the way
and the ones who don’t even notice

If you were to ask people straight out, ‘How do you feel about getting older?’ nobody seems to want to admit they hate the idea. But what they do say pretty much translates into that.

For the record, I don’t ask this too often because who cares, really and what, do you really think some skin product ad is going to stop your next birthday from coming?…but I think it can prompt us to take a look at some deeper issues.

Middle age is perhaps more of a hurdle than old age. I guess people want to be new wine or fine wine, but nobody seems to like the process of making wine which happens in between.

If you have ever had someone walk in the room when you are renovating, you feel the need to explain that it’s going to get better. Some kind of paranoia kicks in where you think they will react to your exposed drywall in way that makes them shake their head and leave. The same paranoia happens with middle age. We don’t want friends to see us with no make-up because they will never believe we are good for anything at this point. That is the mindset, but I hate it. It was Barbara Hershey who said, “I’m not afraid of aging but more afraid of people’s reaction to my aging.” Sad, right?

Surgery and make-up and all the things we do are to ensure people think we are still young. We hope to somehow jump about 40 years into full maturity without anyone noticing. People seem to love the lines in the faces of old people but they better be good and deep with lots of character like the old woman in Titanic. If you don’t look all majestic and wise like her, you better go have your skin tucked into your scalp an inch to fool everyone into thinking you are perpetually 20.

Like the process of wine-making, everyone wants to be there when you build your cellar and when taste-testing happens.

For many people Middle Age threatens the relationship. It wouldn’t take the hottest man in people magazine to steal one’s wife, it might just take a man with 10 pounds less around the middle. If you are 45, a woman who is 35 could pose a threat to your marriage. The deeper people go into middle age, the more paranoid they can get.

Then there are the people who just feel like their relationship is lackluster because they themselves are aging. You may have no plans to leave your partner, but you sure are bored. For many people, they just don’t feel healthy enough, energetic enough or have been so brow-beaten; they aren’t able to find the excitement of their youth.

I think it’s vitally important to remember that life offers different chapters at different stages. My concern is that we are again distracted by our past that we don’t see our present day. A 45 year old person doesn’t have to do 20 year old things to feel alive. In fact, most people that age will tell you they have no interest in going out on the town. I don’t believe the goal when you are 45 is to stay as young as possible or even stay young in the mind…but at 45 years old, you should be experiencing whatever is going on with you at that time. You’ll hear people say, ‘Age is just a number’ with the intent on ignoring it. I have managed to ignore numbers in life as I have mentioned before. Your number represents your experience! Your experience means you have a certain amount of right to speak with some authority!

You can inspire others or you can make others scared of aging. That is the choice we have. The problem is that we believe the way to inspire others is to ‘do young things’ so they’ll say, “Gosh she’s so fit for 45!” I don’t believe that is the way to inspire. A good way to inspire people is to wear a smile. You can inspire by being super-loving, non-judgmental and compassionate. You can inspire by being a friend and a good family member. You can inspire by being genuine and thoughtful. You can inspire by being confident with who you are no matter the number attached to it.

I personally don’t think a lot about getting older, but I am digging my mellow state. When I work on music or art, it’s not mellow. That’s not my young spirit either, it’s my inner child yes, but I only make that reference because I liken it to childhood discovery, not age. I’m not going to put sparkles and stars and Hello Kitty pics all over my page to make me feel younger, I have no interest in getting younger. I have a GREAT interest though, in DISCOVERY. To me, the more I age, the more focused on discovering I am becoming. This is super fun to me!

Truthfully, I don’t even drink wine. It seems like you have to sit still for that. ;)

Loving today, whatever day it is…sometime in December, sometime in the early 2000s,
Karen :)

“I have wandered all my life, and I have also traveled; the difference between the two being this, that we wander for distraction, but we travel for fulfillment.” ~Hilaire Belloc

What’s Wrong With Me?

“What if you are in love with someone who’s not in love with you?”

I saw this question pop up after I had put up the ‘Do You Love Someone but You Don’t Like Them?’ video.

Well, I am sure the most consolidated answer from everyone will be, “Move on! Let it Go!” It would seem like the answer is that you can’t make someone love you who doesn’t, but even if you could, why would you want that anyways? The next step would be to tie them up like the movie Misery and hope they become your biggest fan. Unrequited love doesn’t seem like fun at all.

Love is more than a crush, it’s about letting go of control. The most love we can show to someone else is to let them choose because I believe like I’ve said before, the greatest gift we have been given is ‘choice’. You know the whole, “if you love something set it free…if it comes back to you, it’s yours, if it doesn’t it never was?” (later changed to hunt it down and kill it) Well, I believe if you love someone, just love them…without expectations. They are not something we own. Getting rid of the notion that a relationship is about ownership is probably a good start.

This question seems a lot like wishful thinking, but the sadder part is I believe it could be something more potentially damaging.

I think the follow-up question could be, ‘Why Don’t You Love Me?’ because a person can feel like they didn’t do enough to have the reciprocated love or they are not enough for them. Consequently, we feel like the world’s biggest screw-up when we feel like we are not good enough for their love. This can turn into, ‘What’s Wrong With Me?’ which is the scariest part of the scenario and that is what concerns me.

On our website thepublicrecord.com there is a band who are auditioning for the part for a girl in their music video. They thought instead of using Hollywood Casting Agents, they would reach out directly and ask girls to submit videos. When they pick the girl, many of the other girls are going to feel this way. They will lie in bed and wonder what is wrong with them. Casting happens all day long. For any TV Show, film or video, agents usually find the right people for the part. I have worked in casting and you may have remembered me saying it’s not about how good or pretty someone is, it’s all about if it’s a good fit for the overall project.

Some people feel like relationships work this way too. We feel like we are auditioning for the partner and they can make us do all sorts of tricks to see if we get the part. If we don’t get the part in the relationship, we wonder why they don’t love us, what is wrong with us and can be hurled into Depression because of it. Our Depression isn’t simply longing for them, but also feeling really bad about how worthless we are.

The auditioning analogy shouldn’t be a part of relationships, but even if it was, it would hold the same true premise. The two of you together just isn’t a good fit. If the rest of us zoomed in on it, we’d clearly see that if the love was not equally reciprocated, then it’s a doomed relationship. For the person sitting there feeling rejection, it’s not as easy.

I personally don’t want any relationship where the person doesn’t want to be with me. I am not going to do a bunch of tricks to ‘trick’ them into loving me. I believe we are better than that!

Outside of all of this, I feel like we’ve become way too focused on romantic relationships anyways. What if we have a bigger job and the diversion of another person is distracting us? How can we ever know what lies ahead when we are stuck in the past? If someone doesn’t love us, they don’t love us. It shouldn’t feel like rejection, it shouldn’t be that we have to adjust who we are to make them love us. It’s no wonder plastic surgery is at an all-time high!

Of course, I have to ask; what kind of person are you interested in if you are willing to go through hell in changing yourself? If they are truly worth fighting for, I think there shouldn’t be such a fight. It should come pretty seamlessly and quite naturally. That’s the awesome kind of love; given freely, given unconditionally.

So yeah, MOVE ON my friend! Your exciting life is waiting for you!

Wondering where I would find the time to obsess over someone in my day,

Karen :)

“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”
~Charles M Schultz

Quit Trying to Fix Me!

“Not all who wander are lost.”~J.R.R. Tolkien

Well, there’s a guy who clearly had the imagination to wander happily through life. Are you a Happy Wanderer?

We talk a lot about either being exuberantly joyful cart-wheeling through this world or we feel very isolated and lost (insert a whole bunch of people saying, “uh, who’s joyful?”) but what about the happy wanderers in between?

I saw a simple status update on someone’s page today that said, “Quit trying to fix me!” Well, I’m not sure who it was directed towards, but I think the statement was exasperated whatever the scenario.

I think a statement like that can either mean they don’t need fixing or they don’t want fixing. But I couldn’t help but wonder what sparked it.

Why would a person need to express that so colorfully? I could’ve asked point-blank but instead I would rather think about it. Well, anything I say will obviously be a speculation and my sleuth-y tendency is just going to investigate anyways. ;)

I tried to look back on times I felt this way. There were a few times that encompassed my feelings. One was where I was actually broken and the other was where they were. Either way, my view on it is that nobody should try to fix anyone. It’s an obscene form of control.

The thing is, she didn’t say, “Quit trying to control me” she said “fix me”. I guess the person opposite her has come up with solutions. She didn’t say “Quit trying to fix my problems” she said “fix me”. I had people hand me therapist phone numbers and recommended meds. I had people try to set me up with job interviews and hand me the classifieds. If you don’t ask for help like that, it’s immediately insulting to be told to go do something. If you are in a loving relationship or friendship, recommendations can come off as helpful but a loving person won’t try to inflict control on you, they will make you feel loved and address the solutions in a loving way.

Clearly, this girl was not feeling loved. She felt controlled. I don’t think her actions were being restricted rather I feel like her character was taking a personal insult.

Now I do not condone anyone trying to fix someone else, I think it’s wrong and controlling, but what I did do was did a healthy assessment of what was going on with me to determine if I actually did require fixing (I just secretly didn’t let them know it) If someone is feeling strongly that something about me is interfering with their world, it’s my responsibility to assess if I actually am without taking too much time and do my part. If I am verbally abusive towards someone and they are trying to fix me, I would deserve that but only if it was infringing on their life. Even then, trying to fix me is not the proper route to take anyways.

I have been trying diligently to always assess my part of the blame. It’s easy to become fixed on them trying to control me and it takes my eye off the ball which is working on my own character.

I am sincerely hoping this girl is able to get refocused on what truly matters. So what if someone is trying to fix you? Why do you give it so much attention? They didn’t succeed in making us ‘all better now’ but they certainly did distract us from the journey we are allowed to go on and quite frankly, that we need to go on FOR our healing. I believe it goes back to letting someone inside your head too much. It’s once again, as I have mentioned, incredibly damaging to our spirit.

It is a good reminder for any of us who are exhausted by the behavior of those around us. Sometimes people have to wander around in the muck to figure it out. We have to be cautious if it interferes with our own well-being but for the most part, people have the right to screw up and learn from it.

I figure I had to suffer through all my crap, why shouldn’t everyone else. LOL

Seriously though, control is so damaging that it actually takes away the goal of control to begin with. You start off trying to change or fix someone and then it turns into them hating you more. That sucks.

The only thing I hope to fix is a guitar case so the acoustic fits better.

Covering the floor in snowy bits of Styrofoam to remind me of home,

Karen J

“Deficiency motivation doesn't work. It will lead to a life-long pursuit of try to fix me. Learn to appreciate what you have and where and who you are.” ~Wayne Dyer

Do You Love Someone but You Don’t Like Them?

“Do you believe that it is possible to love someone, and not like them?”

A friend on FB asked me this yesterday while going through some drama with her sister who lives with her. She drinks and is verbally abusive towards her so she ends up locking herself away in seclusion to be away from her.

I’ve definitely thought about this question in the past when I was dealing with drunk people I knew. I would have a pretty clear understanding like our friend does that when someone drinks and gets abusive, it’s not necessarily indicative of their personality, but I always call alcohol ‘truth serum’. You at least get a more colorful version of their truth.

She wasn’t asking me if she should stay there or leave as she has a pretty good idea it’s not functional, rather she asked a direct question about what I thought.

I guess technically you can like someone and not love them, but I don’t know that it’s possible to love someone and not like them. It’s really a debatable question indeed. I do know where she’s coming from, though.

I think there is true love and then there is loving someone out of duty. This happens a lot with family. We don’t get to pick our family. We are called to love everyone and I think it’s a worthy goal, but I think it’s maybe better to face the reality that just because someone is our family, doesn’t mean we feel love towards them. For me, whenever I had to deal with family in a parallel situation, I would always think, ‘Gawd, I hate having to be in the middle of this’ and whenever I would see them, I’d get sick to my stomach. The hardest part for me was trying to maintain love for someone who was going through alcoholism or drugs.

Now, what I suspect (and I could be way off base) is that our friend is feeling guilty for not liking her sister very much when she feels called to love her. I don’t believe this is her fault, like I said we don’t get to pick our family. I had to ditch the family element altogether from my mind when dealing with the problems because society has made this a huge guilt trip on us. “That’s your BLOOD; BLOOD stays together.” I find the statement troubling and controlling. I used to think this way and I still find myself thinking this way. My recent truth is that my siblings and other family members are actually not my problem. Sure, I love them, but they are adults who get to make adult decisions. Siblings tend to see each other as children forever. It takes decades sometimes for them to recognize each other as adults!

More than that, it takes us too long to recognize siblings as other human beings. Until I could ditch the word ‘family’ when trying to assess my own situations and look at the situation for what it was, I couldn’t get a grip on it. I felt very tied down to ‘family duty’. I hated that I was supposed to like people who I didn’t. I hate that I had to hang out with family who I had absolutely nothing in common with. I see no problem being civil or showing decency and love to those around us, but nobody should feel guilty about not wanting to be around someone who is clearly damaging to their spirit.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a clear answer or concrete opinion on the question she asked, but funny enough; I know exactly what she means by it. You can look at your sibling and love them because you are supposed to and just not like them very much. I suspect though, the sense of duty is what is keeping us in unhealthy situations. I also suspect we might still see glimmers of hope and subtle reminders of who they used to be without the alcohol or drugs. That’s the part that makes us hurt. They also might have ‘good’ days.

I am a hopeful spirit. I like to believe everyone will find their inner child again and return the person they are supposed to be, but I certainly don’t make it my responsibility anymore. I don’t have to face any guilt when it comes to family. They are adults who make their decisions and I can recognize codependence when I see it. I think we have to continue to guard our spirits and be conscious of what is potentially damaging, so we want to make sure we don’t become like them by being abusive back, but in the same token, there are many ways to love someone and intervention IS a form of love. We are just programmed to believe that the best way to love someone unconditionally is to be their soundboard and punching bag.

I remember the song ‘Cruel to be kind” coming on the radio and I asked my Mom what that meant. She said, “When I take you to the Dentist and he has to drill into your teeth, that means I love you.” I remember getting it right away.

Sometimes we have to make very tough calls about all our relationships that feel cruel, but they are a form of love. I don’t envy our friend for having to make those tough decisions.

Wondering if Billy Idol is still on my Orthodontist’s ceiling,

Karen :)

“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.”
~P.J. O’Rourke

Are you Too Invested at This Point?

“Some people are so invested in their fear and hatred that peace is the most threatening thing they can imagine.” ~a quote from the show 24

I was watching 24 on my laptop while going to sleep last night and that quote jumped out at me. The part where the lady says, “invested in their fear and hatred” is especially striking to me.

The word investment is usually attributed to money. Anyone who has ever had a stock go bad can testify to how painful that is. It’s very damaging when you have to stare at the clicker all day. People who stare too long at it don’t realize they are investing time which to me is far more valuable. I believe this is where the flaw is; thinking the invested money is more valuable than the invested time.

It’s the same as when we place money on a horse to win but if we aren’t betting the farm, the sting shouldn’t be so painful when they lose.

Pride is a huge issue when a person loses. Nobody wants to be embarrassed that they made the wrong choice. If you confidently lip off to your family that you believe something, you don’t ever want to say you changed your mind or the side you are betting on. Just like a football fan has to cheer for a new team in secrecy among his friends, so does a husband have to lie to his in-laws about his marriage failing.
If you have invested a lot of time and money on a team or relationship, you are going to feel like a fool the minute you have to entertain that it failed.

We seldom bring up the opposite part; the positive swing. How did we get to be so threatened by something which is truly better for us? Is it that we hate being wrong, or are we so invested in a political party, religion or relationship that we can’t see when something good wants to heal us?

“invested in their fear and hatred” is very striking to me because we never really think about it like that. As soon as she said it, my mind flashed back to everything I ever thought was true where someone or something enlightened me. Enlightenment gets thrown around a lot, but if you look at it carefully, the word, ‘light’ is in there. Now of course, it could also mean ‘clarification’ or even ‘explanation’ but I love when enlightenment actually makes me feel ‘lighter’ and more at peace.

I don’t worry about what is right or wrong as much. I don’t bathe in being right or ‘standing up for what is right’, I tend to do the defense of a third party thing like when someone has been hurt or something, but my interest is in finding peace rather than winning the fight just because I am invested in being right.
There are actually no prizes (or ones I am remotely interested in) for being right. But I am extremely interested in peaceful dialog. I could sit and listen to people who I think are completely wrong all day long if they are peaceful.

Peaceful people tend to not act that way though. Most people I have met who are truly at peace have no interest in being right or making anyone else right. This is what I trying to accomplish. Sure, I have invested a lot of time in the past on stating my case and my cause, but I am willing to lose the investment altogether to trade it in for peace. It’s a scary proposition though because it calls for change. We are also invested in our own day-to-day habits and rituals.

I believe this is why angry people get angrier when their partner or friend has no interest in fighting with them. If their goal is to be right, the last thing they will want is to talk to a brick wall. They will enjoy getting in the face of the opponent and beat them into submission. So yes, peace is threatening to the cause.

My question is, how can we make peace cool again; not in a John Lennon kind of way, but just simply in our homes? How can we can we begin to view peace as the healer instead of being so afraid of it. If you are a parent who has had to pry your two kids apart and made them say sorry, you’ll realize how peace isn’t the first option even for children who disagree. It’s something we have to strive for, it doesn’t come naturally especially for very passionate people with engaging personalities.

I think the answer is; give up the previous investment; let it go. Fear and hate will go flat eventually.

I also believe the shake-up can be viewed as exciting! Having peace in our homes can make room for all sorts of fun activities!

Crazy-carpeting into the swamp,

Karen :)

“I have too much money invested in sweaters.” ~Bob Hope