The Wisdom of Dr. Love

I mentioned how much Beethoven changes the mood in my house. (his music, not him…he’s not around…lol) I also get a lot from Leo Buscaglia who was a Professor and lecturer and was known as Dr. Love.

I don’t know if I am just getting older and mushier, but I find myself drenched in things that make me feel good. I try not to be in circles that promote hate, revenge, anger or violence although I like to write on those topics sometimes in my extracurricular writings and ramblings on occasion. I wished I would have stumbled upon this guy in my youth. He has a fantastic array of videos on youtube which even though some are closing in on 40 years ago, still hold up today. It’s part of why I tend to read and watch messages from people who lived well before me. They have marinated in a good way; time, tested and true.

Leo Buscaglia was not only promoting love as the most powerful force on the earth, but his energy was infectious and his lectures were contagious. I always walk away feeling excited about the mysteries not yet discovered and he gives a child-like perspective on adult issues. I like that his messages while very deep and layered, maintain a sense of simplicity.

Some of my favorite quotes come from him. You’ve probably heard some of them before, but today I felt the need to revisit them even though I know them.

One of my favorites;

“I still get wildly enthusiastic about little things... I play with leaves. I skip down the street and run against the wind.”

In a society where we are taught to strive for the big things, I am finding more and more I love the little things. What I find interesting about the quote is that the leaves and wind are actually NOT little things! That is part of an enormous magnificent weather system. I think we feel as though they are insignificant because we are simply used to them and we starve for new things. How fun it is to stay connected to this force and how good it is for our soul! I think nature is becoming a retro movement again, but how can we have a relationship with it that keeps us connected rather than a passing trend? I view the rain as part of my life now rather than something to bring me down…we should be in awe of it!

Another fantastic quote by him which I try to live by;

“Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.”

Until I realized that I needed to ditch the idea of controlling anyone around me, I think I was contributing to their stunted state. We tend to complain that we hate how someone is acting, how little their thoughts are, how much they annoy us, but we speak down to them and keep them stifled. True growth needs room to grow and may have to go through some awkward, gangly stages before reaching their glow.

“Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.”

This was something many of us were taught as child. Don’t be a ‘wuss’, ‘tree-hugger’ or some other cat-like phrases. Lol I am still knee-deep in the lesson of gentleness actually being a strong trait and attribute. That one has taken me a very long time to digest. Generally, people who are cruel are in self-defense mode and may have reached a point where their decisions are based on desperation. If you hang out with enough gentle people, you soon realize that the cruel ones are only hurting themselves and are not triumphing over the weak, they are the weak.

This quote is really wise;

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”

I have spent most of my life worrying. Worry doesn’t spawn action, you have to actually convert it before it works. I am learning to distance myself from things which rob my happiness, that is, if I can’t convert it.

And I’ll end with this quote from him;

“Don't brood. Get on with living and loving. You don't have forever.”

Something I find interesting is that living and loving are things I can do while the world is going crazy. I don’t have to wait for things to get better and I don’t have to push other problems aside in order to practice living and loving. If I realize it can be inserted into everything I do quite effortlessly, I can stand back and allow my new mindset to take over the bad stuff. I don’t have to put so much responsibility on myself to fix it all, just by living and loving, the attitude shift can make my conversion to a healthier lifestyle seamless.

It can seem redundant to revisit the simple messages we were taught, but when our lives become increasingly cluttered and crazy, we sometimes have to go back to the beginning and return to the simple message which has proven to work; love. Love started it all, has proven itself and I try to stay aware of the things which distract me from it; the news, the bickering, the gossip, the arguments, new techniques, new science. They are all parts of our life meant to be experienced to some degree for our own growth and wisdom, but returning to love is what keeps me grounded in a very fulfilling way and strips the cobwebs, not to mention fires up new life.

Off to jump in a puddle,

Karen :)

Quote quota used up. ;)

'A Slice of Life'

Thought I'd share a Christmas story;

'A Slice of Life' ; by Carol McAdoo Rehme

Jean heaved another world-weary sigh. Tucking a strand of shiny black hair behind her ear, she frowned at the teetering tower of Christmas cards waiting to be signed. What was the point? How could she sign only one name? A "couple" required two people, and she was just one.

The legal separation from Don had left her feeling vacant and incomplete. Maybe she would skip the cards this year. And the holiday decorating. Truthfully, even a tree felt like more than she could manage. She had canceled out of the caroling party and the church nativity pageant. Christmas was to be shared, and she had no one to share it with.

The doorbell's insistent ring startled her. Padding to the door in her thick socks, Jean cracked it open against the frigid December night. She peered into the empty darkness of the porch. Instead of a friendly face -- something she could use about now -- she found only a jaunty green gift bag perched on the railing. From whom? she wondered. And why?

Under the bright kitchen light, she pulled out handfuls of shredded gold tinsel, feeling for a gift. Instead, her fingers plucked an envelope from the bottom. Tucked inside was a typed letter. It was a...story?

The little boy was new to the Denmark orphanage, and Christmas was drawing near, Jean read. Already caught up in the tale, she settled into a kitchen chair.

From the other children, he heard tales of a wondrous tree that would appear in the hall on Christmas Eve and of the scores of candles that would light its branches. He heard stories of the mysterious benefactor who made it possible each year.

The little boy's eyes opened wide at the mere thought of all that splendor. The only Christmas tree he had ever seen was through the fogged windows of other people's homes. There was even more, the children insisted. More? Oh, yes! Instead of the orphanage's regular fare of gruel, they would be served fragrant stew and crusty, hot bread that special night.

Last, and best of all, the little boy learned, each of them would receive a holiday treat. He would join the line of children to get his very own....

Jean turned the page. Instead of a continuation, she was startled to read: "Everyone needs to celebrate Christmas, wouldn't you agree? Watch for Part II." She refolded the paper while a faint smile teased the corner of her mouth.

The next day was so busy that Jean forgot all about the story. That evening, she rushed home from work. If she hurried, she'd probably have enough time to decorate the mantle. She pulled out the box of garland, only to drop it when the doorbell rang. Opening the door, she found herself looking at a red gift bag. She reached for it eagerly and pulled out the piece of paper.

...to get his very own orange, Jean read. An orange? That's a treat? she thought incredulously.

An orange! Of his very own? Yes, the others assured him. There would be one apiece. The boy closed his eyes against the wonder of it all. A tree. Candles. A filling meal. And an orange of his very own.

He knew the smell, tangy sweet, but only the smell. He had sniffed oranges at the merchant's stall in the marketplace. Once he had even dared to rub a single finger over the brilliant, pocked skin. He fancied for days that his hand still smelled of orange. But to taste one, to eat one? Heaven.

The story ended abruptly, but Jean didn't mind. She knew more would follow.

The next evening, Jean waited anxiously for the sound of the doorbell. She wasn't disappointed. This time, though, the embossed gold bag was heavier than the others had been. She tore into the envelope resting on top of the tissue paper.

Christmas Eve was all the children had been promised. The piney scent of fir competed with the aroma of lamb stew and homey yeast bread. Scores of candles diffused the room with golden halos. The boy watched in amazement as each child in turn eagerly claimed an orange and politely said "thank you."

The line moved quickly, and he found himself in front of the towering tree and the equally imposing headmaster.

"Too bad, young man, too bad. But the count was in before you arrived. It seems there are no more oranges. Next year. Yes, next year you will receive an orange."

Brokenhearted, the orphan raced up the stairs empty-handed to bury both his face and his tears beneath his pillow.

Wait! This wasn't how she wanted the story to go. Jean felt the boy's pain, his aloneness.

The boy felt a gentle tap on his back. He tried to still his sobs. The tap became more insistent until, at last, he pulled his head from under the pillow.

He smelled it before he saw it. A cloth napkin rested on the mattress. Tucked inside was a peeled orange, tangy sweet. It was made of segments saved from the others. A slice donated from each child. Together they added up to make one whole, complete fruit.

An orange of his very own.

Jean swiped at the tears trickling down her cheeks. From the bottom of the gift bag she pulled out an orange -- a foil-covered chocolate orange--already separated into segments. And for the first time in weeks, she smiled. Really smiled.

She set about making copies of the story, wrapping individual slices of the chocolate orange. There was Mrs. Potter across the street, spending her first Christmas alone in 58 years. There was Melanie down the block, facing her second round of radiation. Her running partner, Jan, single-parenting a difficult teen. Lonely Mr. Bradford losing his eyesight, and Sue, sole care-giver to an aging mother....

A piece from her might help make one whole.

What Are You Getting From the Internet?

“I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection.” ~Leonardo da Vinci

If you look at the quote long enough, you might think it’s a bit creepy. Who would smile in trouble? I think it’s like a comedian laughing in the face of adversity. People like Bill Cosby have been making us laugh about our struggles for many years.

The gathering of ‘strength from distress part’ is something that I never understood until I actually did that. It’s like when you have the extra adrenaline kick in at the end when you think you have nothing left.

‘Growing brave by reflection’ is multi-faceted to me. Do you remember the picture online of the kitty who looks in the mirror and sees a lion looking back at him? Or how about on SNL when Stuart Smalley says, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me?”

Reflection to me also is the deep root of philosophy and why I love to dissect everything and rip stuff apart. I do this when I am working on music as well. Someone will send me tracks and I will have to solo parts to see what needs the attention. I feel like reflection is a bit different than stewing. I view reflection as a cool place we arrive at where we can look at ourselves, our situation and past things that have happened and grow brave from it all instead of it making us fearful. How many times have you looked back through a photo album and saw people from your past and past relationships? It can make you smile, cry or feel completely awful. Regret and sadness can make us feel worthless or even long for things the way they used to be.

It was Teresa Clayton who had asked me about the topic of love and friendship within the internet community. Teresa is awesome at showing love and friendship and I think of her often when I think about online friendship. I was thinking this morning about how an online community has become more of a friend for many people than real people.

We seem to be in a cool new phase of friendship on the net. For a while, there I was hearing everyone becoming fearful of people not interacting with each other in real life…but I am feeling that shift now.
The good part of having these online friendships is people feel much safer (I don’t mean about online stalking etc) but safer opening up to each other. The thing about consolidated words in email, comments or even video is people feel like they have a bit of time to digest what they are hearing and prepare something they want to say. The communication seems better overall, but I think the best thing that happens which can really cultivate an online friendship is safety in being honest. When you have to live with the consequence of someone at home, you have to react quickly and you might be so cluttered by the things that are going on, your communication becomes messy and you say things that you either don’t mean or you were pressured by time to say. Again though, I don’t think people feel like what they say to someone online holds the same consequence. Keep in mind, this is in friendship…people have no problem offending in other corners of the net, but I don’t go there. J

Of course there are hiccups in online communities but I think there could be more hiccups if all these people got in the room with each other. It would be awesome to meet some of our online friends, but most people feel like the friends they have picked online are a good escape and you can go to them when you want. It feels more like what friendship SHOULD be.

It is however indicative of how cluttered we must feel at home. Not all of us, of course. Many people have a good home life too. I do have some concerns that people are looking for love online when they don’t feel it at home. But you know what? Why shouldn’t they? I don’t mean this romantically, that’s a whole different topic. Why shouldn’t we have these awesome friendships online where we can see others smile in their trouble, who gather strength from the things that make them distressed and witness other people growing brave by reflection instead of fear or regret. We can find great leaders, great examples of love and friendship and many overcomers!

I believe the key though is to use the good parts of online community for our growth and to help others. When we find ourselves in high-tension arenas fighting over things that don’t matter, it becomes counter-productive. I hear many people who feel guilty about the time they spend online and we shouldn’t feel guilty about that if it’s nurturing us or we can nurture someone else. It’s only when we leave the computer feeling worse than when we sat down.

We are living in times where our technology can help us help each other IF that is our goal. Every time I sit in front of my computer, I am extremely mindful of how my time is spent. I don’t go to gossip or rant sites and I don’t engage in unhealthy conversation. If I get up and walk away feeling like I just killed time, It’s not good for me. There is nothing wrong with using it as entertainment (God knows I have watched my share of animal videos on it) but for the most part, I view the internet as a means to reach people and to feel a sense of love and compassion from people who want the same thing.

Something Teresa wrote on my page, “Amazing how a community can come together at the drop of a dime, forget their own drama and focus on sending healing love to each other.” I think the reason for this is because we place value on our friendships and therefore we protect them. For many of us, our online community is the one thing that is going well in our life. It’s like our last chocolate brownie. You will kill to defend it or you will die trying. ;)

I am constantly evaluating my online time so that it is always moving things forward positively. The internet has become a way of life and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing so long as we don’t feel depleted when we walk away. The better question should be, ‘What is the Internet Getting From Me?

Resisting the urge to type ‘cute puppies running around’ in the youtube search window,

Karen :)

“Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it.” ~Leonardo da Vinci

What’s Wrong With Me?

“What if you are in love with someone who’s not in love with you?”

I saw this question pop up after I had put up the ‘Do You Love Someone but You Don’t Like Them?’ video.

Well, I am sure the most consolidated answer from everyone will be, “Move on! Let it Go!” It would seem like the answer is that you can’t make someone love you who doesn’t, but even if you could, why would you want that anyways? The next step would be to tie them up like the movie Misery and hope they become your biggest fan. Unrequited love doesn’t seem like fun at all.

Love is more than a crush, it’s about letting go of control. The most love we can show to someone else is to let them choose because I believe like I’ve said before, the greatest gift we have been given is ‘choice’. You know the whole, “if you love something set it free…if it comes back to you, it’s yours, if it doesn’t it never was?” (later changed to hunt it down and kill it) Well, I believe if you love someone, just love them…without expectations. They are not something we own. Getting rid of the notion that a relationship is about ownership is probably a good start.

This question seems a lot like wishful thinking, but the sadder part is I believe it could be something more potentially damaging.

I think the follow-up question could be, ‘Why Don’t You Love Me?’ because a person can feel like they didn’t do enough to have the reciprocated love or they are not enough for them. Consequently, we feel like the world’s biggest screw-up when we feel like we are not good enough for their love. This can turn into, ‘What’s Wrong With Me?’ which is the scariest part of the scenario and that is what concerns me.

On our website thepublicrecord.com there is a band who are auditioning for the part for a girl in their music video. They thought instead of using Hollywood Casting Agents, they would reach out directly and ask girls to submit videos. When they pick the girl, many of the other girls are going to feel this way. They will lie in bed and wonder what is wrong with them. Casting happens all day long. For any TV Show, film or video, agents usually find the right people for the part. I have worked in casting and you may have remembered me saying it’s not about how good or pretty someone is, it’s all about if it’s a good fit for the overall project.

Some people feel like relationships work this way too. We feel like we are auditioning for the partner and they can make us do all sorts of tricks to see if we get the part. If we don’t get the part in the relationship, we wonder why they don’t love us, what is wrong with us and can be hurled into Depression because of it. Our Depression isn’t simply longing for them, but also feeling really bad about how worthless we are.

The auditioning analogy shouldn’t be a part of relationships, but even if it was, it would hold the same true premise. The two of you together just isn’t a good fit. If the rest of us zoomed in on it, we’d clearly see that if the love was not equally reciprocated, then it’s a doomed relationship. For the person sitting there feeling rejection, it’s not as easy.

I personally don’t want any relationship where the person doesn’t want to be with me. I am not going to do a bunch of tricks to ‘trick’ them into loving me. I believe we are better than that!

Outside of all of this, I feel like we’ve become way too focused on romantic relationships anyways. What if we have a bigger job and the diversion of another person is distracting us? How can we ever know what lies ahead when we are stuck in the past? If someone doesn’t love us, they don’t love us. It shouldn’t feel like rejection, it shouldn’t be that we have to adjust who we are to make them love us. It’s no wonder plastic surgery is at an all-time high!

Of course, I have to ask; what kind of person are you interested in if you are willing to go through hell in changing yourself? If they are truly worth fighting for, I think there shouldn’t be such a fight. It should come pretty seamlessly and quite naturally. That’s the awesome kind of love; given freely, given unconditionally.

So yeah, MOVE ON my friend! Your exciting life is waiting for you!

Wondering where I would find the time to obsess over someone in my day,

Karen :)

“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”
~Charles M Schultz

Who is Making you that Angry?

Angry? Nah, nobody's angry. ;)

The written blog is a condensed version of the Video Blog;

Yesterday I had a chat with a friend who started off with “I’m so sick of _____ telling me what to do” followed up by “He just makes my blood boil” and “makes me sick to my stomach”. She capped it all off with “he knows how to push my buttons”.

Well of course, these are supposed to be metaphorical for being angry and upset but when stomach is upset, blood is boiling and the word ‘sick’ gets used twice to describe the feeling, someone’s bodily functions are in question. Lol

As it turns out, this guy didn’t get her to do what he wanted her to, but he did make her feel ill. So, she lost control of the situation either way. The phrase “he knows how to push my buttons” is the tell-tale part of that. Of course we all have things which have the potential of infuriating us. Hiccups do it for me because they take over and I lose control. :)

There has been an ongoing ‘argument’ about whether anger is useful. I have heard the debates, I have heard everyone’s reasons for when to get angry and when not to. One thing I don’t like is when it’s presumed ok to use getting angry as reason to get back something you really believe in. The reason I dislike it is because if you are really passionate about changing something you think is ‘immoral’, ‘ignorant’ or ‘wrong’, I feel it cross-cancels your cause and who your character is. I feel as though we are programmed to be angry. ‘Getting angry at injustice’ is a phrase I am annoyed by because injustice is very wrong and I would really agree, but I don’t like that the word ‘justice’ has been hijacked by the word ‘angry’ and taken on a trip around the world. I am a firm believer that problems can be solved without being angry. If real change is to happen, it won’t be anger that fixes it. It will be consolidated, intelligent action from loving, compassionate, passionate people coming together for the greater good and representing good. If we are to support bringing ‘goodness’ back, we should represent ‘goodness’ with good things.

If we think family has become divided, should we go out there representing family by using anger to try and get family values back or would it be better to show a good example of family and be a good example of family?

Let me go back to the phrase she used, “he knows how to push my buttons”. He seems to know what aggravates her, what annoys her, what makes her angry, what shuts her down and what debilitates her, but I still am not seeing healing taking place. We do this in relationships, at work, in politics and religion. We do this without children and neighbors. We seem to have become experts at knocking the chip off of someone’s shoulder, we know what part of a knee-cap to slam a baseball bat into. We know what kind of dialog will confuse the enemy but we don’t know how to practice peace.

So he knows how to make her shut down but I think it’s fair to say she knows how to receive the intended emotions. It’s become so classically obvious. He pushes the buttons…she falls into a heap on the floor.

“Same time tomorrow, hunny?”

“Sure! I’ll see it coming, I’ll recognize the dialog and I will crumple at the same place in our home.”

“Look forward to seeing you then.”

When we acknowledge someone knows how to push our buttons, isn’t this a realization that not only have they found the weak spot, but we actually HAVE the weak spot?

What I have done that seems to work for me is I have found my weak spots and started to strengthen them. If you have a crack in the foundation or a center beam ready to fold that is going to make the house fold, wouldn’t it be wise to get it fixed? Our bodies and souls are our house! Our own temple needs to be solid! Instead of trying to fix something we hate in the other person, wouldn’t it be wise to fix our cracks so their storms can’t blow us over like some little pig’s hay house?

I am recognizing the things which anger me but I am also realizing that making someone else angry doesn’t help, invite change or make them feel very good.

I’ve mentioned him before, but Frank Gryner is my role model in this area. I have known Frank for over 5 years now and he doesn’t require anger to get anything done in his life. He systematically deals with issues respectfully, compassionately and lovingly without getting hot-headed. Getting hot-headed to him means losing control of the situation and his emotions. It’s not even entertained as a means to get something done. He’s a good listener and makes good business decisions. He’ll tell you it’s because it is how adults should deal with problems. He doesn’t think he’s doing anything outside the norm at all. He doesn’t think he’s honed in on some new technique. He does things systematically and intelligently.

I do understand it’s a very popular thing to say anger can be helpful and I fully expect there to be lots of people respond with how helpful anger is. Let me put out that fire now by saying you most likely have many times in your life where anger worked for you in changing a situation. That’s your prerogative. I am pretty sure though, it’s not near as brilliant as Frank’s approach. ;)

I think emoting and invoking anger is one approach to solving problems. I just don’t feel like anger makes anyone feel good. I am hoping we can get past just trying to control and fix everything so we can rediscover relationships with each other again. That would ROCK! We can continue to fritter away our days and never really get to live or we can gain full control of our emotions so we can use them and channel them towards this greater good we keep threatening.

Working on my temper when the hiccups flare up,

Karen :)

“Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him.” ~Louis L’Amour

Thank you, Gramma…I will do my best to honor you.

Some of the blog below is also in the Video Blog;

There is an ongoing joke on my Dad’s side of the family that if we all pair up with gentle spirits, the Stever blood will be watered down and reach a gentle simmer. Stevers are hot-headed, passionate, artistic, creative fighters. We are as passionate about love as we are about work. We are as hot-headed about protecting our families as we are about winning a fight. We live and breathe music, we are slightly demented and can be somewhat overwhelming at any function we attend. I like all those things about us.

Every generation in the Stever family seems to have found a gentler counterpart. My Grampa Stever married a wonderful lady in my Gramma Stever. Maybe that is our need to be controlling and dominating or maybe we just look for people outside of the family who will balance us out a bit and calm us down. Historically this has happened. My Dad like many of his brothers found very gentle (dare I say subservient) women. Most of my aunts (like my Mother) seem to be angels and have probably put up with more than their share from the Stevers.

My Mother’s side of the family is very different. Mom came from two angels. (This made her 100% Angel…heehee) My Grampa was the sweetest man on earth and my Gramma was a consistently loving, nurturing Mother.

Gramma passed away Monday morning. She had a massive stroke at the age of 92. Gramma was somebody you could count on for anything. She lived a very good life and had 25 great-grandchildren!

I am sad about it, but that is a very long life. My saddest moments came from seeing Gramma at my Mother’s bedside when she was dying. Gramma felt that was the wrong order of things and I think she took Mom’s death harder than anyone.

I was struck with the thought today that Gramma was the last of the generations directly above me to go. Gramma and Grampa Stever were gone, then my other Grampa died, now Gramma. My Mom and Dad are gone too. I now have no Parents or Grandparents. This leaves me at the top of my generation. Of course I have aunts and uncles and cousins etc, but I mean the direct line down from Grandparents to Parents to me. It’s an odd thought.

I have been thinking about the word legacy today and what it means to leave your legacy. We think of it monetarily, we think of it as who will carry on a family name or who will pick up the family business. I think of the word legacy more like what piece of my Grandparents and Parents should be kept going.

The problem with money and material legacy is that a disaster or fire could take that away. It’s lovely to honor someone by having a museum or shrine, but manmade things can be destroyed. If that is the only legacy you are keeping, you could be setting yourself up to have it all taken away.

My Gramma was a gentle spirit. She was tough and consistent but ever so compassionate and loving. The biggest way to ignore her legacy would be to not practice the best parts of her character. My Mother was not gentle and compassionate by mistake, she saw it in her Parents. These Angels worked hard to be loving, broke down barriers with their forgiveness and love and it would be a slap in all their faces to not practice the things they instilled in me.

The best way to carry on our loved ones legacy is to keep their character intact. We can do this by taking the things we have learned from them; the love, the forgiveness and the compassion and show it to others. This shows the world that your family name means something.

Are you able to pass on the best traits of those who have gone before you? Do you feel they were watered down or seem lost? Can you recapture them like scrapbook memories and reintroduce them to the next generation who never knew them? How are you doing this?

Passing love down the line,

Karen :)

“I would want my legacy to be that I was a great son, father and friend” ~Dante Hall

I think that is a good legacy. For those of us who have received this legacy, what are we doing with the information? What have we received from someone who is a great son, daughter, Father, Mother, sister, brother or friend? What is the point of them leaving it to us? What do we do with the good things they have shared?

Is Life Giving you the Kung-Fu Kick?

The following video contains some of the blog from below plus my usually rantings. ;)

I remember my friend Thomas talking about the Kung-Fu Kick. It’s basically when we in our arrogance think we have life figured out and we get served this kick to bring us back to reality or at least the present reality, or ever-changing reality. Life has dealt this up many times to me. You know when you get in really heated discussions about relationships, politics or religion and then all of a sudden something happens with gale-force winds to knock you off your pedestal?

I basically go through life now with the attitude that I don’t know much of anything. It keeps me safe from these kinds of kicks. Basically, if you don’t stand behind the donkey, you won’t get the mule-kick. I am reminded of a quote;

“A Mule will labor ten years willingly and patiently for you, for the privilege of kicking you once.” ~William Faulkner

Basically, keeping your eyes wide-open instead of settling into any party, belief or religion can keep your eye on the kick coming. It keeps our humility in check and allows us to grow in our learning an tolerance.

Then there are those Kung-Fu kicks which abruptly bring a person to a reality check. Health might be the biggest one to do this and disaster may be the second largest.

It’s crazy that our bodies are so loosely yet magnificently put together. I sometimes lie in bed and wonder what is happening inside. Then I get weirded out by whatever is under my skin and I don’t give it any more thought.

Today was another Kung-Fu kick when I received an email from a friend whose wife was taken by ambulance (at just 55 years old) to the hospital and is now in ICU in an induced coma. They suspect COPD from bronchitis and her husband is pretty scared. She had no previous health problems.

The bigger lesson behind the delivery of this kick is that things like this interrupt life in a split second. You could be arguing, you could be working or sleeping. It’s a split second where you are hurled into a new world of hospitals and waiting. An Ambulance and hospital trip is as big of a kick as a tornado or hurricane. We don’t know which second of our day it will drop its bomb and life can change forever.

Life is hard enough without added extra drama. We should be spending every day doing healthy things, fun things, loving things…not arguing politics, religion or simple relationship cap-off-the-toothpaste stuff. Every single bit of our energy should be involving positive dialogue and happy, creative work or play so that in the event of a health problem or weather disaster, we are focused, healthy, positive and ready to deal with it. I do not want to say I was deliberating religion and politics when a friend had a heart attack. I don’t want to say I was arguing with family members when an earthquake hit. I don’t know at what point we are going to begin putting value on each and every second of our life instead of giving any moment to negativity and mindless chatter. It’s not our days, weeks, months or years that matter; it’s our moments that matter. We can argue about the afterlife and scare each other into things or we can cuddle with our children and read them some books. We can join political groups which just bad-mouth all day long or we can crank some music, push back the furniture and dance silly with our family. We can fight with our spouse about taking out the garbage or we say, “Forget about the garbage right now, let’s walk to the park and feed the birds.

I can tell you this much, I for one am not going to give any more of MY moments to argumentative, mindless, superficial discussion. I am going to work on my character, my art, my music and my friendships so that in the event of a crisis, I am strong enough to be able to deal with it all and perhaps learn what the value of ‘time well spent’ is.

Society is continuously pressuring us to be part of its superficial negativity and we are free to choose how we spend our days.

The world needs the angels and light-workers…the good people…the loving people…compassionate strong people who will encourage time spent with family, time with loved ones.

That Kung-Fu kick can happen and you could be sitting beside a hospital bed waiting for your wife to wake up from her coma. Then all the fights, arguments and time spent on wasted topics will mean absolutely nothing. That kind of kick is bigger than any leader of any party or religious group telling you to be angry at the enemy.

I hate these kicks. They are so painful. But I believe THESE are the real enemies that we need to be prepared for….not by trying to pass laws that are constantly cross-cancelling each other but by preparing our character to be more loving and strong. If we spend time healing our spirits, the spirit will be able to cope. If the Kung-Fu kick happens and has to interrupt a series of small kicks that are already being hurled at you, there’s not much of a chance of getting back up from it.

Training hard to storm-proof my home,

Karen :)

The Faulkner mule quote also reminds me of, “Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.” from WC Fields

The Heart of the Matter

The Heart of the Matter

These times are so uncertain

There's a yearning undefined...People filled with rage

We all need a little tenderness

How can love survive in such a graceless age

The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness

They're the very things we kill, I guess

Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms

And the work I put between us,

Doesn't keep me warm

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter

Because the flesh will get weak

And the ashes will scatter

So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

~Don Henley and Mike Campbell

This is a song I remember my Mother singing around the house. Mom loved it because of the forgiveness part of it. My Mother’s entire core was forgiveness. She could forgive anyone and I watched it work for her about a thousand times in a row. She kept doing it because it kept working but she really kept doing it because she felt it was indicative of love and compassion. I have heard people call her a spineless jellyfish who would get walked on but I guarantee you I have never met a soul on earth to date who had the solid character she had and when all is said and done and we buried her, her character is what has lived on…not anger and a sense of injustice.

Forgiveness is one of those topics that when you bring it up you want to hide behind a shield or even a suit of armor to avoid the mega spears thrown at you. It’s not because people are unwilling to forgive, I believe people are good overall and would love to be able to forgive…I think it’s because the idea behind forgiveness conjures up all the hurts and pain from whatever happened. THIS is valid.

Feeling hurt or terrorized by someone will absolutely bring on all the associated feelings. A person should not be made to feel guilty about being angry at being harmed. I just feel like when a person has hurt me, they gave me more than one little ‘gift’. They not only set down a very large basket on my front porch full of anger, sadness and sleepless nights, but they keep sending me presents every day of the year in the form of bitterness.

I really believe that the act of forgiveness has been massively misinterpreted by society. Somewhere along the line we equate forgiveness to hanging out on Saturday nights with the person who did us wrong. I look at forgiveness as a free gift, not a free pass. When I say it’s free, I don’t feel it is earned. If you believe forgiveness has to be earned, you may be confusing the actual meaning of the word with ‘trust’. Trust has to go through it’s stages. She would say, ‘Let’s start again’ and she wouldn’t necessarily put the ‘and forget’ part onto the end of forgive. How can you forget something that someone did to you? That would be asking your brain to perform its own lobotomy. It’s seldom physically possible to do. When someone gives trust or says something is forgotten, I believe that is grace. Admirable, but tough.

When Don Henley sang, ‘because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter so I’m thinking about forgiveness even if you don’t love me anymore’ I believe he wanted to set things right before it was too late to do so. I have heard hundreds of stories from people who were tormented by having no closure when someone they know dies. That never leaves and rarely fixes itself. I am happy to say, I have no regrets with my Mother, our relationship was next to perfect. It’s because she would forgive me (and of course keep a close eye on me) ;)

I bring up my Mother a lot as my biggest mentor because I long to be like her. Her grace and compassion was given to those who didn’t deserve it and I would see them come to her hospital bed when she was dying and beg for forgiveness. She had already forgiven them and told them where she too was wrong in the situation. The look on someone’s face leaving the room after experiencing that looked like they were seconds away from collapse. They simply couldn’t put into words how exceptional she was. Why wouldn’t I strive to capture that as a personal character goal to work towards? I would stand in the hospital staring back at them as they left, not surprised by how Mom would handle them, but because the power of her forgiveness would silence everyone.

Powerful is not a word we usually associate with it. I have blogged before about how love seems to be a sign of weakness and what a prevailing force it is.

I know forgiveness is really hard. I know it hurts so so so badly. We need love and compassion to heal our wounds after someone has hurt us but I believe we need to show love and compassion to those who have hurt us so the world won’t lose forgiveness altogether. How will we ever know what it is if we haven’t been forgiven? How will we know what to do if we haven’t experienced it first-hand?

The only thing that allows me to forgive someone is because I have been forgiven by someone even though I didn’t ask to be forgiven. I felt so undeserving of their forgiveness and they showed it anyways.

Now, for those of us who have hurt someone, we can speed up the process by at least asking for it. But isn’t it overwhelmingly magical when it’s just given? I believe it’s our responsibility to pay that forward too.

I have spent hours lying on my bed staring at the ceiling amazed by forgiveness, amazed by compassion and humbled by the love I have been shown. It set me on a thought process where I started to see that more anger won’t fix anything. Action is needed, sure but love historically has prevailed and I believe it is about to make the biggest comeback….if for no other reason than we are running out of options. ;) Why are we so reluctant to go there? Is it to avoid future hurt? I don’t think forgiving someone protects us from future problems nor does it induce future hurt. It seems to be its own thing.

Maybe love never left…and the comeback is just in my life.

Making shapes out of the clouds,

Karen :)

“When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future.” ~Bernard Meltzer

...there she was sitting in my chair, green scales and all.

"Many people die with their music still in them. Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out." ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

I received this quote from our friend Tom on here. I was thinking back to when I worked as a stylist in a hair salon. Bridezilla day could have been one of my favorite days to work because I used to love doing these immaculate up-do styles. As it turned out, every stylist I knew would cringe if they had to do a wedding party. These Monster Brides would suck the life out of us and make us contemplate using our own razors against us. The idea of stabbing my scissors into my temple seemed more appealing than having to deal with the emotional trauma of making sure she left there happy. You pretty much need a psychology degree and a bottle of scotch to accompany your skills.

They would come in a few weeks before and have a trial hair-do. I always recommended it. That way there would be no surprises and I assured them their style would be identically duplicated.

The day would come, she’d fly in late in a massive rage, demand coffee, re-set the air conditioner in the shop, tell other stylists not to use certain sprays within 100 feet of her…you know, just demanding. Two weeks before she would assure me she was calm as a cucumber, would spew off about how she would never be a Bridezilla…and yet there she was sitting in my chair, green scales and all.

The nice thing about there being a Wedding Day, is because it’s a deadline. You can feel good knowing the stomach acid that has been eating out the walls of your gut will subside when it’s over. But many people live with this churning indefinitely…getting ready to live. People freak out on a daily basis in preparation for something that never comes!

It ties into many of the topics I have covered lately about ‘having an idea’ VS ‘doing something about it’. It seems safer to anticipate with anxiety our whole lives than make our ‘Right now’ the ‘Big Day’.

Are you continuously anticipating something in the future?

Is the music, art, love and excitement buried beneath it all dying from suffocation?

What tools do you need to do it?

Are you looking for the tools outside of yourself?

Life is happening right now.

ENJOY IT!

Much love on ya,

Karen :)

I can always be reached on facebook.com/karen.stever …or …thepublicrecord.com/Stever

My myspace email is a disaster . lol

The Biggest Jerk I’ve ever met had Blonde Hair and Blue Eyes

I just returned home from grabbing a Jamba Juice at the West Hollywood Gateway. I noticed there was some picketing going on so I went over to ask what was going on. It was a boycott against Target.

There always seems to be labor disputes of some kind going on around that corner. It’s a busy traffic section and so you get lots of eyeballs. This however was boycotting Target for some of their dollars going towards a political candidate who supports anti-gay something or other. I don’t honestly have all the facts, but the two men I spoke with (I am pretty sure were gay or supporters) were very articulate and factual, nothing hate-based in the way they spoke to me and I appreciated them remaining calm while they stated their cause. I hate when people get all feisty with picket signs. It’s like mosquitoes buzzing around my head. I end up more annoyed by them and miss anything substantial. A person who blatantly yells opinion at me doesn’t get my ear. People who are loving and inclusive do. If you are angry with a sign, I tend to equate it with your inability to be articulate. It doesn’t mean you can’t go exercise your freedom to do so, but just know…I won’t care very much and I kind of think it will be ineffective in most cases. Just string a couple sentences together, will ya? ;)

For the record, I can’t vote here because I am a Canadian and I hate talking politics, so I am not even going to go there. While I appreciate everyone’s political opinion is their own freedom, I won’t engage in it because it is a topic that I have never seen end well…and for that matter, it never ends at all. Can you say BORING? (by the way, I said BORING, not unimportant…BORING) Plus, as I have said before, it eats up valuable time when I can be making music. (and hanging with friends…YOU GUYS!) :)

I have talked before about the word ‘anti’ and my distaste for it. I wish more people would be FOR something than AGAINST. (I know, AGAINST abuse, AGAINST cruelty…yes yes, I get it) I just like people to be happy and considerate, that’s all.

What really bothers me is how throughout history we have to dispense ANY energy to being AGAINST people. Black people, Chinese People, Gay People, Straight People, Politicians…NOBODY to me should be derogatorily lumped in a group. I think what happens is one person in any of those groups will upset us and then it affects the whole group. If the guy who raped you is Black, you might be a little weird around Black People. If the annoying guy who lived next door to you happens to be gay, you might find yourself stereotyping the whole group. Then there is the passive-aggressive, "I don't hate them, I hate their lifestyle."

Well, my best friend (for the last 10+ years) is gay and you will never find anyone more gentle, loving and considerate than him. He’d sooner lock himself away from the world than partying at some bar on Saturday night like many people seem to think that community does all night long. He finds it depressing to not be able to find his soul mate. He didn't 'choose' it contrary to popular belief. It’s simply who he is. He's not going to 'become' straight. I love him so dearly and he’s saved my life on so many occasions.

For me, my teenage years were ruined by my Mother’s boyfriend. He was in his 50’s. He went to church. He helped everyone in town with their house repairs, dragged cars out of ditches in the winter, opened doors for strangers, helped little old ladies across the street.

He is white, has blonde hair and blue eyes. He hates anybody who isn’t. Black people are thieves to him, Chinese people are crooked in his eyes. He said Muslims are from the devil. Gay people are CONSTANTLY coming on to him (how freaking delusional) He thinks the government has stolen all his tax dollars…but man…that guy loved going up the skirts and down the tops of underage girls like nothing else!

If I learned no other lesson from him throughout the sexual abuse, it’s that I will never EVER lump anyone into a category. If you are a jerk, you’ve earned that title all by your little lonesome.

I can hardly wait until we have a day where all this hate is in our history books. But more so, I don't like when people try to control each other. Let people screw up their lives if that is what you think they are doing. While you are sitting depressed in your armchair, an entire community didn't do that to you. It's probably a good idea to refocus where our problems are really coming from. They are usually inside of us.

The saddest part though is that we have an epidemic of people who have been so hurt that they don’t know any better than to lump a whole group of people. I therefore am not completely annoyed at them. It’s just a bad virus spreading throughout our generations. Some people are taught to hate, some people were pushed to hate and some people simply need to explore the world outside of their hometown.

Don’t be one of the jerks, can you do that for me? Can ya? Can ya? Lol

MUCH love on ya!

Karen :)

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” ~M.L.K. Jr.

I think I am OK today

Of course, the day has barely begun. I’ll give it some time. :)

Mom died Dec.24, 2001. I have not enjoyed Christmas that much, her birthdays are usually terrible and Mother’s Day has started to become as distant as Father’s Day having also lost him when I was 5. Every other day in between, I have felt her with me throughout the day. I have cried maybe 100,000 tears over her death as she was truly my best friend.

This morning I am teary thinking of her, but it’s more like when I am just touched by lovely thoughts. After all these years, I am feeling a shift. I say it’s a shift because I don’t know that it’s a final place for me to settle, I may break down tomorrow, who knows. The shift is from exhaling. When I breathe deeply and ask to be used for a greater purpose, I feel a wind come up underneath me and carry me somewhere. When I try to grab onto something nailed down, I stay there and cry.

(Mom and my Neice)

I am starting to view my Mother differently. I look back at her life and she most certainly fulfilled a great purpose. I am beginning to try and view her as her own unique spirit outside of being my Mother. There is a great sense of ownership and pride when you call someone your Mother, but when you minus that title and begin to search for who they were on a bigger scale, the admiration shifts. I am thinking about everything she accomplished and why she was doing it all.

Mom was a big advocate of forgiveness and love. She desperately wanted people to heal from their hurt. Mom was very spiritual but never imposed her beliefs, she simply lived them. Anyone who knew her wanted to be near her. Even though she was a pretty lady, she was one of the most popular people at social functions because she was a positive magnet pulling in so many people because people loved her, felt safe around her, looked to her for advice and encouragement and all of us knew you would never find one ounce of judgment or anger from her.

Mom didn’t take glory very well, she gave it all to God. She kept a prayer jar which had hundreds of names in it. Whether or not you believe in a higher power, this woman was motivated by something bigger than her and there is a big lesson I am taking from it. The lesson is that it simply is not all about me.

So while her death sits very fresh in my mind, she had her time here and she invested in many people with an unwavering love and devotion that would be in my mind, absolutely criminal to ignore. The best tribute I can pay to her is to not let the lessons she instilled in me go to waste. She would not want me angry at anyone. She would not want me to be part of some revolt or uprising. She would hope that I would spend my time here the way she spent her time; being a good steward, showing people love and trying to be open to where the earth needs me. I have struggled with this, but if she could speak to me, I am very certain she would tell me to find my purpose as an individual but keep my eyes open to where I need to be. Crying over her is natural, but feeling sorry for myself could potentially be a slap in her face to everything she worked so hard to do! It would be like your parents planting a bunch of trees that took 30 years to grow and fill up their yard and after they die, you walk in and clear the whole lot.

Perhaps you have lost your Mother, Grandmother, Father or Grandfather. Did they live with a greater purpose than any one of those titles? Did you ever know them outside of being that to you? What would they want you to be concentrating on now? Are you able to do this?

I find it difficult, no doubt. My attempts are futile sometimes. But there is a great big world that needs the love, compassion and her lessons. I am no teacher, but I can be a good friend. I can move through this life being extremely cautious of the negative groups and movements that tempt me into attending more anger-related activities or I can keep my eye on my greater purpose and perhaps leave the world the way she did knowing I did everything I could to promote healing.

Of course, it is still morning. I could fall to pieces by midnight tonight and turn back into a pumpkin again for Monday morning. ;)

Happy Sunday my friends!

Karen :)

"No man or woman is an island. To exist just for yourself is meaningless. You can achieve the most satisfaction when you feel related to some greater purpose in life, something greater than yourself." ~Denis Waitley

I’m Watching the Most Amazing Thing

I was waiting for my tea to boil and the sounds from the back parking lot caught my attention.

About four years ago, I used to look back there and see a mother who would open up all the lids of the garbage cans and pluck out the recyclables. She would put them in small bags and throw them into a crappy car. She had a boy who was barely old enough to run around and a baby in a stroller. The baby would cry, she would walk over and take her out, comfort her by patting her on the back and walk about the parking lot until she was calm, then put her back in the stroller. It didn’t last long, but she consistently visited the garbage cans from what I could see.

Then many months rolled by and I saw them drive in with a truck. It wasn’t a great truck, but it was better than the car they had. I remember the neighbors all gathering around them and they seemed all pleased with themselves although I couldn’t understand them as they didn’t speak English. As time went on, I’d notice the man come home with garbage bags in the back and she’d add her bags to his. They basically started their own recycling business.

This past year, they got rid of their truck which was getting very weathered and got a really nice one. They continue putting bags in the back and they really take pride in it by scrubbing it down and keeping it clean. It’s always shiny white.

Today, the kids are 4 years older, so I imagine the girl is close to 5 and the boy a couple years older. When I looked out the window because I heard their squeals, I saw them running around playing and I heard them talk to each other in English. It would seem that the parents came here for a better life, worked really really hard and their children are getting schooled well.

But the best part of it that made my eyes well up was that the Mother was with them, chasing them around and laughing. I’ve never seen her like that. She’s always working it seems! She must have decided it was time to just let loose and be a kid herself. (now of course she probably does it more often than what I see)

But I am sat here thinking, yes…you deserve it girl! Go play!

I hope you get some time this weekend to laugh and be silly with the ones you love the most!

Karen :)

"Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today." ~James Dean