I think I am OK today

Of course, the day has barely begun. I’ll give it some time. :)

Mom died Dec.24, 2001. I have not enjoyed Christmas that much, her birthdays are usually terrible and Mother’s Day has started to become as distant as Father’s Day having also lost him when I was 5. Every other day in between, I have felt her with me throughout the day. I have cried maybe 100,000 tears over her death as she was truly my best friend.
This morning I am teary thinking of her, but it’s more like when I am just touched by lovely thoughts. After all these years, I am feeling a shift. I say it’s a shift because I don’t know that it’s a final place for me to settle, I may break down tomorrow, who knows. The shift is from exhaling. When I breathe deeply and ask to be used for a greater purpose, I feel a wind come up underneath me and carry me somewhere. When I try to grab onto something nailed down, I stay there and cry.


(Mom and my Neice)

I am starting to view my Mother differently. I look back at her life and she most certainly fulfilled a great purpose. I am beginning to try and view her as her own unique spirit outside of being my Mother. There is a great sense of ownership and pride when you call someone your Mother, but when you minus that title and begin to search for who they were on a bigger scale, the admiration shifts. I am thinking about everything she accomplished and why she was doing it all.

Mom was a big advocate of forgiveness and love. She desperately wanted people to heal from their hurt. Mom was very spiritual but never imposed her beliefs, she simply lived them. Anyone who knew her wanted to be near her. Even though she was a pretty lady, she was one of the most popular people at social functions because she was a positive magnet pulling in so many people because people loved her, felt safe around her, looked to her for advice and encouragement and all of us knew you would never find one ounce of judgment or anger from her.

Mom didn’t take glory very well, she gave it all to God. She kept a prayer jar which had hundreds of names in it. Whether or not you believe in a higher power, this woman was motivated by something bigger than her and there is a big lesson I am taking from it. The lesson is that it simply is not all about me.

So while her death sits very fresh in my mind, she had her time here and she invested in many people with an unwavering love and devotion that would be in my mind, absolutely criminal to ignore. The best tribute I can pay to her is to not let the lessons she instilled in me go to waste. She would not want me angry at anyone. She would not want me to be part of some revolt or uprising. She would hope that I would spend my time here the way she spent her time; being a good steward, showing people love and trying to be open to where the earth needs me. I have struggled with this, but if she could speak to me, I am very certain she would tell me to find my purpose as an individual but keep my eyes open to where I need to be. Crying over her is natural, but feeling sorry for myself could potentially be a slap in her face to everything she worked so hard to do! It would be like your parents planting a bunch of trees that took 30 years to grow and fill up their yard and after they die, you walk in and clear the whole lot.

Perhaps you have lost your Mother, Grandmother, Father or Grandfather. Did they live with a greater purpose than any one of those titles? Did you ever know them outside of being that to you? What would they want you to be concentrating on now? Are you able to do this?

I find it difficult, no doubt. My attempts are futile sometimes. But there is a great big world that needs the love, compassion and her lessons. I am no teacher, but I can be a good friend. I can move through this life being extremely cautious of the negative groups and movements that tempt me into attending more anger-related activities or I can keep my eye on my greater purpose and perhaps leave the world the way she did knowing I did everything I could to promote healing.

Of course, it is still morning. I could fall to pieces by midnight tonight and turn back into a pumpkin again for Monday morning. ;)

Happy Sunday my friends!
Karen :)

"No man or woman is an island. To exist just for yourself is meaningless. You can achieve the most satisfaction when you feel related to some greater purpose in life, something greater than yourself." ~Denis Waitley

1 comment:

  1. I love what you have written here and to me it would be a very lofty goal indeed. Struggle just doesnt cover the anger I feel at being left alone here. I have a wonderful husband and I am truly grateful to god for him. If not for him then i'd be dead. My mom died Mothers's day on a May 9th in 1982. I was 6 months pregnant with her first grandchild. anger! then the child years where i had 3 boys. I now have grandones i cannot see because my boys are angry at me for everything in life that hurts them and their childhood. to me they were my higher purpose. they were bigger than me. still being a pumpkin.