Do You Feel Guilty for Missing Their Pain?

Do you ever feel that "tug of war" of focusing so much on one person in the community, a friend, whatever, that you may be missing something?

Sometimes I feel like I am divided between making a small difference in a lot of people’s lives, and making a big difference in one person’s life, at the moment. Does that make sense?

I will feel good about what I am doing for others, and then suddenly I come across someone that I can see feels that I have totally missed their pain. I admit that sometimes I do, or maybe I make a "judgment call" on who needs me the most at the time? I don't know. I'm just feeling a little confused, and maybe a bit overwhelmed, lol. I know that you can relate too! ;)

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That question is a classic case of a heart that has grown three sizes in one day. ;) People who are heartless or have no compassion would never bring something like this up. So, you should feel very good about how loving you are!

I used to feel a tug of war like this but yes, I miss things all the time! This person had to tell me one of our friends was having her baby, I missed that too! Congrats, Deborah!

I used to make an effort to focus on one person because my Mother used to tell me that sometimes going after the one who is hurting is better than trying to affect the masses. Our friend mentioned, “I feel like I am divided between making a small difference in a lot of people’s lives, and making a big difference in one person’s life, at the moment.”

What I have done is I gave myself permission to be human. I also make sure everyone knows I am not perfect and that I don’t dig nor deserve being on a pedestal. When I decided that my job or resume didn’t cover Super-Human abilities, I could breathe again knowing that I can only do what I can do. What I do try to do is go directly to where I am called and what makes sense to me at that time rather than joining a group or becoming a spokesperson for some charity or cause, I keep myself very pliable. I don’t feel the same sense of division between what motivates me because instead of asking myself if I should be making a small difference in a lot of people’s lives or making a big difference in one person’s life, I simply do what makes sense at that moment in time. I basically go where I am spiritually led rather than doing the ‘rounds’ like what many friendship circles insist. I’m like the happy wanderer that way. :)

She said, “I will feel good about what I am doing for others, and then suddenly I come across someone that I can see feels that I have totally missed their pain.” I guess I would call this the Superhuman pressure we sometimes feel. I miss SO much stuff! I am often the last person to find out good news and bad. I think that friends will understand we don’t HAVE to be there for them. My very favorite people have completely alleviated me from being there for them even though I really like to do that when I can and when I am called. When she said, “I admit that sometimes I do, or maybe I make a "judgment call" on who needs me the most at the time?” I think it’s funny that she felt like she had to write ‘admit’. A truly good heart might feel guilty for missing someone’s pain and I love her heart for thinking this way, but clearly, it’s not our job to fix someone, we can only do what is in front of us at the time and there should be no guilt or shame for it.

I think what is happening to make good people feel overwhelmed is that they both feel extraordinarily needed in a hurting world and they recognize they are the last of a dying breed. Good people will fight a whole army with one sword even though they are clearly unequipped to do so. Yes, I believe one person can make a difference, but not if they are wounded. If we feel overwhelmed, it’s really important to relieve ourselves of the guilt so we can function at a high capacity again.

I also think the truly hurting people don’t know they are pulling people in a tug of war. If someone makes us feel guilty for not showing them enough love at the appropriate time according to what their needs are or the timing of their needs, they don’t always mean to do this. They are just hurting. Usually they won’t hate us for missing it, though. If they do, that is way too much to ask of a friendship.

I really try not to make helping people my responsibility; rather I view it as simply the right thing to do. Most situations that arise come to us in a timely way. It’s good to check in on friends, but it’s not our job.

I really would like to see everyone control everyone else a bit less. It’s kind of back to that, “Let’s cut each other some slack” phrase again.

If you are someone who is feeling ignored or you are hurting, may I suggest going into action mode instead of receiving mode? I have found giving to be a tremendous pain-reliever. We all have so much in common; I think we can truly help one another. I just don’t think we have to give more than what we are able to and we certainly don’t have to make others feel guilty when they have very little energy to give as well.

Trying not to fall in the mud,

Karen :)

“Suffering makes a people greater, and we have suffered much. We had a message to give the world, but we were overwhelmed, and the message was cut off in the middle. In time there will be millions of us - becoming stronger and stronger - and we will complete the message.” ~D. Ben-Gurion

10 Things I've Learned from My Dog

Written blog is the 'condensed' version of the Video; ;)

Has your pet taught you more than you have taught them? Here’s a great article I read today;

Ten Things I've Learned from My Dog;

~Let Your Loved Ones Know You Love Them

When we're hanging out, or driving in the car, my dog loves to check out the scenery. Play with Dino or Monkey (her favorite toys) sometimes play tug of war with me, stick her head out the window, run around like the puppy she is. But then every now and again she'll pass by me and stop and lick my elbow, knee, tummy, or ankle. Basically the first body part she sees, whether the skin is exposed or not. Doesn't matter. She just gives me a lick and moves on.

(Dogs are totally uninhibited in their affection, and I wish I could be more like that.)

~There is adventure all around you.

My dog can turn a backyard into a wonderland amusement park. There are things to chase, smells to track, there's a compost pile that basically acts as a coal pit that needs mining for a diamond.

(No detail of life around a dog goes unnoticed or unappreciated; upon a dog no detail is wasted. The attempt to appreciate everything around us--and be wildly excited by it--is absolutely transcendent)

~ Don't be afraid to ask for what you want.

Hungry? Let someone know. Have to go the bathroom? Rock it. Want attention? Butt people in the leg until they pet you into a love-loves coma. Dogs make it obvious their wishes and wants, and they make it increasingly more obvious until their desires are satisfied. Not that they are totally bull headed or stubborn about it--they submit to the leader, who essentially decides if they will be fulfilled or not.

(Humans have to be the puppy and the dog owner both; we experience the desires and decide how to fulfill them. As much as we need to balance our desires, we also need to be more vocal about what we need in our everyday life)

~Always be curious.

Lucy loves to climb the counters and eat anything she can get her nose into. Now, this means she's eaten raisins and mouse poison, but she's also gotten her fair share of treats and goodies on the sly.

(Dogs know to try everything; it might land you in the hospital, it might get you a treat, but taking chances is always worth the risk)

~Enjoy the simple things

My father's dog literally runs in a happy circle every time she defecates. Lucy sleeps and relaxes with happy abandon. Eating a meal is a highlight of the day, and a walk in the park is just as good as it gets.

(Dogs really know how to appreciate the most basic things in our lives)

~Trust your instincts

Bella--my father’s dog--can hear the door open (it chimes) and then she tenses up, and starts barking until one of the humans recognizes the entering person. And despite being a puppy, she has a biiiig bark. Lucy starts to growl any time someone she doesn't know comes too close to the car when we're inside it.

(Dogs blend their instincts with social cues and act based on those two things alone. It may not be polite, it may not be correct, but they think of who and what they love above all else. Trusting your instincts is something everyone needs to do)

~Trust your loved ones.

Dogs have an innate and infinite trust in their owners; once a bond develops between a dog and another person, it is forever and takes a lot to break.

(So once you choose someone, a loved one, a friend, once you put your trust in them, let it be infinite)

~Greet people like you haven't seen them in a million years.

Dogs do not pull punches. They feel something and they let it show. So whenever my dog sees me, she flips out and starts wagging so hard she shakes, and licking everything she can get her tongue on.

(It makes me feel so loved, so appreciated. I'm trying to greet people like that, with genuine excitement, and real love. You'd be amazed at the response you get)

~Assume that everyone adores you.

This sounds conceited, but it's essentially the recipe for confidence. Assume that no one is immune to your cuteness and your charm overcomes all obstacles, and people will begin to believe you.

~Spend as much time as you can with the ones you love.

Let’s be honest, dogs like to be in the center of the action--and at least mine likes to be the center of attention. But she's happy as long as she's with her family--nothing is more important to her.

(Maybe we all need to reprioritize like a dog does)

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I thought I’d include our pets in the life lessons we receive. The pets I have had in my life taught me to stop and smell the flowers. I hate when I see pet owners pull their dogs on their entire walk. What’s the point of having a pet if you can’t enjoy time with them?

Wondering who the next critter will be to show me something in life,

Karen :)

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” ~Winston Churchill

Thank you, Gramma…I will do my best to honor you.

Some of the blog below is also in the Video Blog;

There is an ongoing joke on my Dad’s side of the family that if we all pair up with gentle spirits, the Stever blood will be watered down and reach a gentle simmer. Stevers are hot-headed, passionate, artistic, creative fighters. We are as passionate about love as we are about work. We are as hot-headed about protecting our families as we are about winning a fight. We live and breathe music, we are slightly demented and can be somewhat overwhelming at any function we attend. I like all those things about us.

Every generation in the Stever family seems to have found a gentler counterpart. My Grampa Stever married a wonderful lady in my Gramma Stever. Maybe that is our need to be controlling and dominating or maybe we just look for people outside of the family who will balance us out a bit and calm us down. Historically this has happened. My Dad like many of his brothers found very gentle (dare I say subservient) women. Most of my aunts (like my Mother) seem to be angels and have probably put up with more than their share from the Stevers.

My Mother’s side of the family is very different. Mom came from two angels. (This made her 100% Angel…heehee) My Grampa was the sweetest man on earth and my Gramma was a consistently loving, nurturing Mother.

Gramma passed away Monday morning. She had a massive stroke at the age of 92. Gramma was somebody you could count on for anything. She lived a very good life and had 25 great-grandchildren!

I am sad about it, but that is a very long life. My saddest moments came from seeing Gramma at my Mother’s bedside when she was dying. Gramma felt that was the wrong order of things and I think she took Mom’s death harder than anyone.

I was struck with the thought today that Gramma was the last of the generations directly above me to go. Gramma and Grampa Stever were gone, then my other Grampa died, now Gramma. My Mom and Dad are gone too. I now have no Parents or Grandparents. This leaves me at the top of my generation. Of course I have aunts and uncles and cousins etc, but I mean the direct line down from Grandparents to Parents to me. It’s an odd thought.

I have been thinking about the word legacy today and what it means to leave your legacy. We think of it monetarily, we think of it as who will carry on a family name or who will pick up the family business. I think of the word legacy more like what piece of my Grandparents and Parents should be kept going.

The problem with money and material legacy is that a disaster or fire could take that away. It’s lovely to honor someone by having a museum or shrine, but manmade things can be destroyed. If that is the only legacy you are keeping, you could be setting yourself up to have it all taken away.

My Gramma was a gentle spirit. She was tough and consistent but ever so compassionate and loving. The biggest way to ignore her legacy would be to not practice the best parts of her character. My Mother was not gentle and compassionate by mistake, she saw it in her Parents. These Angels worked hard to be loving, broke down barriers with their forgiveness and love and it would be a slap in all their faces to not practice the things they instilled in me.

The best way to carry on our loved ones legacy is to keep their character intact. We can do this by taking the things we have learned from them; the love, the forgiveness and the compassion and show it to others. This shows the world that your family name means something.

Are you able to pass on the best traits of those who have gone before you? Do you feel they were watered down or seem lost? Can you recapture them like scrapbook memories and reintroduce them to the next generation who never knew them? How are you doing this?

Passing love down the line,

Karen :)

“I would want my legacy to be that I was a great son, father and friend” ~Dante Hall

I think that is a good legacy. For those of us who have received this legacy, what are we doing with the information? What have we received from someone who is a great son, daughter, Father, Mother, sister, brother or friend? What is the point of them leaving it to us? What do we do with the good things they have shared?

Is Life Giving you the Kung-Fu Kick?

The following video contains some of the blog from below plus my usually rantings. ;)

I remember my friend Thomas talking about the Kung-Fu Kick. It’s basically when we in our arrogance think we have life figured out and we get served this kick to bring us back to reality or at least the present reality, or ever-changing reality. Life has dealt this up many times to me. You know when you get in really heated discussions about relationships, politics or religion and then all of a sudden something happens with gale-force winds to knock you off your pedestal?

I basically go through life now with the attitude that I don’t know much of anything. It keeps me safe from these kinds of kicks. Basically, if you don’t stand behind the donkey, you won’t get the mule-kick. I am reminded of a quote;

“A Mule will labor ten years willingly and patiently for you, for the privilege of kicking you once.” ~William Faulkner

Basically, keeping your eyes wide-open instead of settling into any party, belief or religion can keep your eye on the kick coming. It keeps our humility in check and allows us to grow in our learning an tolerance.

Then there are those Kung-Fu kicks which abruptly bring a person to a reality check. Health might be the biggest one to do this and disaster may be the second largest.

It’s crazy that our bodies are so loosely yet magnificently put together. I sometimes lie in bed and wonder what is happening inside. Then I get weirded out by whatever is under my skin and I don’t give it any more thought.

Today was another Kung-Fu kick when I received an email from a friend whose wife was taken by ambulance (at just 55 years old) to the hospital and is now in ICU in an induced coma. They suspect COPD from bronchitis and her husband is pretty scared. She had no previous health problems.

The bigger lesson behind the delivery of this kick is that things like this interrupt life in a split second. You could be arguing, you could be working or sleeping. It’s a split second where you are hurled into a new world of hospitals and waiting. An Ambulance and hospital trip is as big of a kick as a tornado or hurricane. We don’t know which second of our day it will drop its bomb and life can change forever.

Life is hard enough without added extra drama. We should be spending every day doing healthy things, fun things, loving things…not arguing politics, religion or simple relationship cap-off-the-toothpaste stuff. Every single bit of our energy should be involving positive dialogue and happy, creative work or play so that in the event of a health problem or weather disaster, we are focused, healthy, positive and ready to deal with it. I do not want to say I was deliberating religion and politics when a friend had a heart attack. I don’t want to say I was arguing with family members when an earthquake hit. I don’t know at what point we are going to begin putting value on each and every second of our life instead of giving any moment to negativity and mindless chatter. It’s not our days, weeks, months or years that matter; it’s our moments that matter. We can argue about the afterlife and scare each other into things or we can cuddle with our children and read them some books. We can join political groups which just bad-mouth all day long or we can crank some music, push back the furniture and dance silly with our family. We can fight with our spouse about taking out the garbage or we say, “Forget about the garbage right now, let’s walk to the park and feed the birds.

I can tell you this much, I for one am not going to give any more of MY moments to argumentative, mindless, superficial discussion. I am going to work on my character, my art, my music and my friendships so that in the event of a crisis, I am strong enough to be able to deal with it all and perhaps learn what the value of ‘time well spent’ is.

Society is continuously pressuring us to be part of its superficial negativity and we are free to choose how we spend our days.

The world needs the angels and light-workers…the good people…the loving people…compassionate strong people who will encourage time spent with family, time with loved ones.

That Kung-Fu kick can happen and you could be sitting beside a hospital bed waiting for your wife to wake up from her coma. Then all the fights, arguments and time spent on wasted topics will mean absolutely nothing. That kind of kick is bigger than any leader of any party or religious group telling you to be angry at the enemy.

I hate these kicks. They are so painful. But I believe THESE are the real enemies that we need to be prepared for….not by trying to pass laws that are constantly cross-cancelling each other but by preparing our character to be more loving and strong. If we spend time healing our spirits, the spirit will be able to cope. If the Kung-Fu kick happens and has to interrupt a series of small kicks that are already being hurled at you, there’s not much of a chance of getting back up from it.

Training hard to storm-proof my home,

Karen :)

The Faulkner mule quote also reminds me of, “Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.” from WC Fields

The Heart of the Matter

The Heart of the Matter

These times are so uncertain

There's a yearning undefined...People filled with rage

We all need a little tenderness

How can love survive in such a graceless age

The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness

They're the very things we kill, I guess

Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms

And the work I put between us,

Doesn't keep me warm

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter

Because the flesh will get weak

And the ashes will scatter

So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

~Don Henley and Mike Campbell

This is a song I remember my Mother singing around the house. Mom loved it because of the forgiveness part of it. My Mother’s entire core was forgiveness. She could forgive anyone and I watched it work for her about a thousand times in a row. She kept doing it because it kept working but she really kept doing it because she felt it was indicative of love and compassion. I have heard people call her a spineless jellyfish who would get walked on but I guarantee you I have never met a soul on earth to date who had the solid character she had and when all is said and done and we buried her, her character is what has lived on…not anger and a sense of injustice.

Forgiveness is one of those topics that when you bring it up you want to hide behind a shield or even a suit of armor to avoid the mega spears thrown at you. It’s not because people are unwilling to forgive, I believe people are good overall and would love to be able to forgive…I think it’s because the idea behind forgiveness conjures up all the hurts and pain from whatever happened. THIS is valid.

Feeling hurt or terrorized by someone will absolutely bring on all the associated feelings. A person should not be made to feel guilty about being angry at being harmed. I just feel like when a person has hurt me, they gave me more than one little ‘gift’. They not only set down a very large basket on my front porch full of anger, sadness and sleepless nights, but they keep sending me presents every day of the year in the form of bitterness.

I really believe that the act of forgiveness has been massively misinterpreted by society. Somewhere along the line we equate forgiveness to hanging out on Saturday nights with the person who did us wrong. I look at forgiveness as a free gift, not a free pass. When I say it’s free, I don’t feel it is earned. If you believe forgiveness has to be earned, you may be confusing the actual meaning of the word with ‘trust’. Trust has to go through it’s stages. She would say, ‘Let’s start again’ and she wouldn’t necessarily put the ‘and forget’ part onto the end of forgive. How can you forget something that someone did to you? That would be asking your brain to perform its own lobotomy. It’s seldom physically possible to do. When someone gives trust or says something is forgotten, I believe that is grace. Admirable, but tough.

When Don Henley sang, ‘because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter so I’m thinking about forgiveness even if you don’t love me anymore’ I believe he wanted to set things right before it was too late to do so. I have heard hundreds of stories from people who were tormented by having no closure when someone they know dies. That never leaves and rarely fixes itself. I am happy to say, I have no regrets with my Mother, our relationship was next to perfect. It’s because she would forgive me (and of course keep a close eye on me) ;)

I bring up my Mother a lot as my biggest mentor because I long to be like her. Her grace and compassion was given to those who didn’t deserve it and I would see them come to her hospital bed when she was dying and beg for forgiveness. She had already forgiven them and told them where she too was wrong in the situation. The look on someone’s face leaving the room after experiencing that looked like they were seconds away from collapse. They simply couldn’t put into words how exceptional she was. Why wouldn’t I strive to capture that as a personal character goal to work towards? I would stand in the hospital staring back at them as they left, not surprised by how Mom would handle them, but because the power of her forgiveness would silence everyone.

Powerful is not a word we usually associate with it. I have blogged before about how love seems to be a sign of weakness and what a prevailing force it is.

I know forgiveness is really hard. I know it hurts so so so badly. We need love and compassion to heal our wounds after someone has hurt us but I believe we need to show love and compassion to those who have hurt us so the world won’t lose forgiveness altogether. How will we ever know what it is if we haven’t been forgiven? How will we know what to do if we haven’t experienced it first-hand?

The only thing that allows me to forgive someone is because I have been forgiven by someone even though I didn’t ask to be forgiven. I felt so undeserving of their forgiveness and they showed it anyways.

Now, for those of us who have hurt someone, we can speed up the process by at least asking for it. But isn’t it overwhelmingly magical when it’s just given? I believe it’s our responsibility to pay that forward too.

I have spent hours lying on my bed staring at the ceiling amazed by forgiveness, amazed by compassion and humbled by the love I have been shown. It set me on a thought process where I started to see that more anger won’t fix anything. Action is needed, sure but love historically has prevailed and I believe it is about to make the biggest comeback….if for no other reason than we are running out of options. ;) Why are we so reluctant to go there? Is it to avoid future hurt? I don’t think forgiving someone protects us from future problems nor does it induce future hurt. It seems to be its own thing.

Maybe love never left…and the comeback is just in my life.

Making shapes out of the clouds,

Karen :)

“When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future.” ~Bernard Meltzer

The Biggest Jerk I’ve ever met had Blonde Hair and Blue Eyes

I just returned home from grabbing a Jamba Juice at the West Hollywood Gateway. I noticed there was some picketing going on so I went over to ask what was going on. It was a boycott against Target.

There always seems to be labor disputes of some kind going on around that corner. It’s a busy traffic section and so you get lots of eyeballs. This however was boycotting Target for some of their dollars going towards a political candidate who supports anti-gay something or other. I don’t honestly have all the facts, but the two men I spoke with (I am pretty sure were gay or supporters) were very articulate and factual, nothing hate-based in the way they spoke to me and I appreciated them remaining calm while they stated their cause. I hate when people get all feisty with picket signs. It’s like mosquitoes buzzing around my head. I end up more annoyed by them and miss anything substantial. A person who blatantly yells opinion at me doesn’t get my ear. People who are loving and inclusive do. If you are angry with a sign, I tend to equate it with your inability to be articulate. It doesn’t mean you can’t go exercise your freedom to do so, but just know…I won’t care very much and I kind of think it will be ineffective in most cases. Just string a couple sentences together, will ya? ;)

For the record, I can’t vote here because I am a Canadian and I hate talking politics, so I am not even going to go there. While I appreciate everyone’s political opinion is their own freedom, I won’t engage in it because it is a topic that I have never seen end well…and for that matter, it never ends at all. Can you say BORING? (by the way, I said BORING, not unimportant…BORING) Plus, as I have said before, it eats up valuable time when I can be making music. (and hanging with friends…YOU GUYS!) :)

I have talked before about the word ‘anti’ and my distaste for it. I wish more people would be FOR something than AGAINST. (I know, AGAINST abuse, AGAINST cruelty…yes yes, I get it) I just like people to be happy and considerate, that’s all.

What really bothers me is how throughout history we have to dispense ANY energy to being AGAINST people. Black people, Chinese People, Gay People, Straight People, Politicians…NOBODY to me should be derogatorily lumped in a group. I think what happens is one person in any of those groups will upset us and then it affects the whole group. If the guy who raped you is Black, you might be a little weird around Black People. If the annoying guy who lived next door to you happens to be gay, you might find yourself stereotyping the whole group. Then there is the passive-aggressive, "I don't hate them, I hate their lifestyle."

Well, my best friend (for the last 10+ years) is gay and you will never find anyone more gentle, loving and considerate than him. He’d sooner lock himself away from the world than partying at some bar on Saturday night like many people seem to think that community does all night long. He finds it depressing to not be able to find his soul mate. He didn't 'choose' it contrary to popular belief. It’s simply who he is. He's not going to 'become' straight. I love him so dearly and he’s saved my life on so many occasions.

For me, my teenage years were ruined by my Mother’s boyfriend. He was in his 50’s. He went to church. He helped everyone in town with their house repairs, dragged cars out of ditches in the winter, opened doors for strangers, helped little old ladies across the street.

He is white, has blonde hair and blue eyes. He hates anybody who isn’t. Black people are thieves to him, Chinese people are crooked in his eyes. He said Muslims are from the devil. Gay people are CONSTANTLY coming on to him (how freaking delusional) He thinks the government has stolen all his tax dollars…but man…that guy loved going up the skirts and down the tops of underage girls like nothing else!

If I learned no other lesson from him throughout the sexual abuse, it’s that I will never EVER lump anyone into a category. If you are a jerk, you’ve earned that title all by your little lonesome.

I can hardly wait until we have a day where all this hate is in our history books. But more so, I don't like when people try to control each other. Let people screw up their lives if that is what you think they are doing. While you are sitting depressed in your armchair, an entire community didn't do that to you. It's probably a good idea to refocus where our problems are really coming from. They are usually inside of us.

The saddest part though is that we have an epidemic of people who have been so hurt that they don’t know any better than to lump a whole group of people. I therefore am not completely annoyed at them. It’s just a bad virus spreading throughout our generations. Some people are taught to hate, some people were pushed to hate and some people simply need to explore the world outside of their hometown.

Don’t be one of the jerks, can you do that for me? Can ya? Can ya? Lol

MUCH love on ya!

Karen :)

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” ~M.L.K. Jr.

I think I am OK today

Of course, the day has barely begun. I’ll give it some time. :)

Mom died Dec.24, 2001. I have not enjoyed Christmas that much, her birthdays are usually terrible and Mother’s Day has started to become as distant as Father’s Day having also lost him when I was 5. Every other day in between, I have felt her with me throughout the day. I have cried maybe 100,000 tears over her death as she was truly my best friend.

This morning I am teary thinking of her, but it’s more like when I am just touched by lovely thoughts. After all these years, I am feeling a shift. I say it’s a shift because I don’t know that it’s a final place for me to settle, I may break down tomorrow, who knows. The shift is from exhaling. When I breathe deeply and ask to be used for a greater purpose, I feel a wind come up underneath me and carry me somewhere. When I try to grab onto something nailed down, I stay there and cry.

(Mom and my Neice)

I am starting to view my Mother differently. I look back at her life and she most certainly fulfilled a great purpose. I am beginning to try and view her as her own unique spirit outside of being my Mother. There is a great sense of ownership and pride when you call someone your Mother, but when you minus that title and begin to search for who they were on a bigger scale, the admiration shifts. I am thinking about everything she accomplished and why she was doing it all.

Mom was a big advocate of forgiveness and love. She desperately wanted people to heal from their hurt. Mom was very spiritual but never imposed her beliefs, she simply lived them. Anyone who knew her wanted to be near her. Even though she was a pretty lady, she was one of the most popular people at social functions because she was a positive magnet pulling in so many people because people loved her, felt safe around her, looked to her for advice and encouragement and all of us knew you would never find one ounce of judgment or anger from her.

Mom didn’t take glory very well, she gave it all to God. She kept a prayer jar which had hundreds of names in it. Whether or not you believe in a higher power, this woman was motivated by something bigger than her and there is a big lesson I am taking from it. The lesson is that it simply is not all about me.

So while her death sits very fresh in my mind, she had her time here and she invested in many people with an unwavering love and devotion that would be in my mind, absolutely criminal to ignore. The best tribute I can pay to her is to not let the lessons she instilled in me go to waste. She would not want me angry at anyone. She would not want me to be part of some revolt or uprising. She would hope that I would spend my time here the way she spent her time; being a good steward, showing people love and trying to be open to where the earth needs me. I have struggled with this, but if she could speak to me, I am very certain she would tell me to find my purpose as an individual but keep my eyes open to where I need to be. Crying over her is natural, but feeling sorry for myself could potentially be a slap in her face to everything she worked so hard to do! It would be like your parents planting a bunch of trees that took 30 years to grow and fill up their yard and after they die, you walk in and clear the whole lot.

Perhaps you have lost your Mother, Grandmother, Father or Grandfather. Did they live with a greater purpose than any one of those titles? Did you ever know them outside of being that to you? What would they want you to be concentrating on now? Are you able to do this?

I find it difficult, no doubt. My attempts are futile sometimes. But there is a great big world that needs the love, compassion and her lessons. I am no teacher, but I can be a good friend. I can move through this life being extremely cautious of the negative groups and movements that tempt me into attending more anger-related activities or I can keep my eye on my greater purpose and perhaps leave the world the way she did knowing I did everything I could to promote healing.

Of course, it is still morning. I could fall to pieces by midnight tonight and turn back into a pumpkin again for Monday morning. ;)

Happy Sunday my friends!

Karen :)

"No man or woman is an island. To exist just for yourself is meaningless. You can achieve the most satisfaction when you feel related to some greater purpose in life, something greater than yourself." ~Denis Waitley

Defending Compassion

I was thinking a lot today about fighting and defending. It’s amazing what a big chunk of my life has been taken up by it.

If there is something I have a huge amount of past experience in, it’s fighting in an argument. To date, I can count on one hand the number of times the fight made a big difference in my life or got something across I needed to have happen. There are many who will say a fight is sometimes what it comes down to. Some will say when all else fails in a discussion, fighting is all you have left. The fight for justice is the most common thing and we all tend to take it off the world stage and look for justice right across the kitchen table.

My understanding is that louder words don’t mean better words, they are just for dramatic effect. It’s when you are really trying to punctuate what you are saying. I grew up knowing what fighting was all about whether it was just sibling rivalry or listening to extended family go at it. I hate fights, they build up this revolting stomach acid which left me feeling worse than a hang-over. Puffy eyes, heart palpitations, grinded-down teeth, they basically just suck.

I think there may be situations where one good fight ends all the fights, but historically, most arguments are a repeat or at least an extension of a previous unresolved fight. Once you have been involved in one, it’s very easy to use that as your main form of communication. Parents who yell at their children will continue to yell because the child has become desensitized to it. They fear they won’t be taken seriously. Then we are all just merely surviving and how dull is that?

In my last few years, I have had the distinct pleasure of being around people who don’t engage in arguing and don’t see the benefit in it. They have taught me some really magical skills to never have to go there. It’s a very, intimidating word called; COMMUNICATION.

I think the art of communication is getting worse. Simply saying things like "I think" or "I feel" in front of our thoughts is better than, "You do this" or "you always…" Them’s fightin’ words! But since I have learned to be a better communicator, I have had fewer fights with people.

The thing I am learning on my own is the one factor which is helping not only the other person but my own character; putting someone else’s feelings not necessarily above my own (sometimes), but placing them on a level on human respect. It would seem every person out there has had their heart broken or shattered and the funny part is, they will almost never tell you that in a fight. Putting on a game face can be more critical to people than being vulnerable with one’s emotions. So, what I do is (assuming they are human with a heart) try my very best to talk to people who are hot-headed as though they are sad instead. When I interpret anger as sadness, I find it a bit easier to deal with it. This doesn’t mean they are indeed sad, it just means I view them as someone who needs my attention whether that is my ear, a hug etc.

The other thing I am trying very hard to do is apologize for poor communication over apologizing for my point. You see, I am not a liar so in most cases, I really do mean what I say to someone unless it escalates into ridiculousness. My point is that if I apologize for the way I am saying something; both parties can start to become aware of how points are being made.

If one was to say, "Take your boots off at the front door!" Is it at all possible to take a few extra minutes to say it differently? I think repetitive action by the person annoying us can mean so many other things. So yelling that same sentence louder or turning it into a personal attack against us is not going to make that person take their boots off. The one thing that seems to have worked for me is getting to the root. Is this person in a hurry to grab the car keys, so taking off the boots was not a choice? Could I have jumped in to notice they are overwhelmed with work?

I naturally like to break everything I see down to the root but I also notice people fight over things that really don’t matter. As annoying as it may be to see your newly waxed floor be tramped with mucky boots, may I humble ask, "Who really cares?" The term "Pick your battles" comes to mind. My Mother would only yell at me when a car was coming because then the tone of her voice actually meant something.

My sadness is that I have seen, heard and been in too many fights to date and it’s chopping away our days and our souls.

I think we truly need to start cutting each other some slack. Those of us who live in parts of the world without war shouldn’t be inviting it into our homes. The basis of society’s peace is in our homes. I believe how we get along at home is the foundation for how we go out and interact with others. Peace in the home is absolutely attainable. If this means we should take courses in communication or seek counseling to do it, I think it’s a good investment.

The other intimidating word is; COMPASSION. I heard the Dalai Lama talking recently about the world needing compassion more than anything else. I believe it begins with GIVING and SHOWING compassion. I think unfortunately, we are too busy looking for it from others. If it’s true the world needs it, who’s going to be the one to give it? And who will be the one to implement it in our relationships? Who will defend compassion? Our energy might be better served defending that….making it the priority instead of an afterthought.

MUCH love on ya,

Karen :)

I liked all of these; read as many as you feel like or have time for. ;)

"All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives…If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." ~Dalai Lama

"And as I've gotten older, I've had more of a tendency to look for people who live by kindness, tolerance, compassion, a gentler way of looking at things." ~Martin Scorsese

"Compassion brings us to a stop, and for a moment we rise above ourselves." ~Mason Cooley

"Competition is such a virtue, and everybody's so busy competing, they have no time for compassion." Major Owens

"Have compassion for all beings, rich and poor alike; each has their suffering. Some suffer too much, others too little." ~Buddha

"Human it is to have compassion on the unhappy." ~Giovanni Boccaccio

"I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures." ~Lao Tzu

"Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty." ~Albert Einstein