Do You Feel Guilty for Missing Their Pain?

Do you ever feel that "tug of war" of focusing so much on one person in the community, a friend, whatever, that you may be missing something?

Sometimes I feel like I am divided between making a small difference in a lot of people’s lives, and making a big difference in one person’s life, at the moment. Does that make sense?

I will feel good about what I am doing for others, and then suddenly I come across someone that I can see feels that I have totally missed their pain. I admit that sometimes I do, or maybe I make a "judgment call" on who needs me the most at the time? I don't know. I'm just feeling a little confused, and maybe a bit overwhelmed, lol. I know that you can relate too! ;)

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That question is a classic case of a heart that has grown three sizes in one day. ;) People who are heartless or have no compassion would never bring something like this up. So, you should feel very good about how loving you are!

I used to feel a tug of war like this but yes, I miss things all the time! This person had to tell me one of our friends was having her baby, I missed that too! Congrats, Deborah!

I used to make an effort to focus on one person because my Mother used to tell me that sometimes going after the one who is hurting is better than trying to affect the masses. Our friend mentioned, “I feel like I am divided between making a small difference in a lot of people’s lives, and making a big difference in one person’s life, at the moment.”

What I have done is I gave myself permission to be human. I also make sure everyone knows I am not perfect and that I don’t dig nor deserve being on a pedestal. When I decided that my job or resume didn’t cover Super-Human abilities, I could breathe again knowing that I can only do what I can do. What I do try to do is go directly to where I am called and what makes sense to me at that time rather than joining a group or becoming a spokesperson for some charity or cause, I keep myself very pliable. I don’t feel the same sense of division between what motivates me because instead of asking myself if I should be making a small difference in a lot of people’s lives or making a big difference in one person’s life, I simply do what makes sense at that moment in time. I basically go where I am spiritually led rather than doing the ‘rounds’ like what many friendship circles insist. I’m like the happy wanderer that way. :)

She said, “I will feel good about what I am doing for others, and then suddenly I come across someone that I can see feels that I have totally missed their pain.” I guess I would call this the Superhuman pressure we sometimes feel. I miss SO much stuff! I am often the last person to find out good news and bad. I think that friends will understand we don’t HAVE to be there for them. My very favorite people have completely alleviated me from being there for them even though I really like to do that when I can and when I am called. When she said, “I admit that sometimes I do, or maybe I make a "judgment call" on who needs me the most at the time?” I think it’s funny that she felt like she had to write ‘admit’. A truly good heart might feel guilty for missing someone’s pain and I love her heart for thinking this way, but clearly, it’s not our job to fix someone, we can only do what is in front of us at the time and there should be no guilt or shame for it.

I think what is happening to make good people feel overwhelmed is that they both feel extraordinarily needed in a hurting world and they recognize they are the last of a dying breed. Good people will fight a whole army with one sword even though they are clearly unequipped to do so. Yes, I believe one person can make a difference, but not if they are wounded. If we feel overwhelmed, it’s really important to relieve ourselves of the guilt so we can function at a high capacity again.

I also think the truly hurting people don’t know they are pulling people in a tug of war. If someone makes us feel guilty for not showing them enough love at the appropriate time according to what their needs are or the timing of their needs, they don’t always mean to do this. They are just hurting. Usually they won’t hate us for missing it, though. If they do, that is way too much to ask of a friendship.

I really try not to make helping people my responsibility; rather I view it as simply the right thing to do. Most situations that arise come to us in a timely way. It’s good to check in on friends, but it’s not our job.

I really would like to see everyone control everyone else a bit less. It’s kind of back to that, “Let’s cut each other some slack” phrase again.

If you are someone who is feeling ignored or you are hurting, may I suggest going into action mode instead of receiving mode? I have found giving to be a tremendous pain-reliever. We all have so much in common; I think we can truly help one another. I just don’t think we have to give more than what we are able to and we certainly don’t have to make others feel guilty when they have very little energy to give as well.

Trying not to fall in the mud,

Karen :)

“Suffering makes a people greater, and we have suffered much. We had a message to give the world, but we were overwhelmed, and the message was cut off in the middle. In time there will be millions of us - becoming stronger and stronger - and we will complete the message.” ~D. Ben-Gurion