Break-ups, Yuck.

The topic of ‘break-ups’ might be the ugliest dialogue at a social gathering of any subject you could bring up. If you haven’t experienced a break-up first hand (what planet are you on and how did you attain the superpowers the rest of us didn’t get?) then, you know someone who has. You were most likely the person listening on the other end while they sobbed, you maybe had to go to the person’s home and physically get between them before police arrived or you actually had to testify in court on someone’s behalf on the matter of abuse or custody. Whatever the case, you are familiar with the subject and it may be redundant to go through the steps.

There are a million reasons why people break-up. It was abusive but on paper they call it being incompatible, they screamed the foulest words but called it inability to communicate or they cheated and called it not having their needs met. No matter what the reason and subsequent excuse or slick adjective that accompanies it, the two people simply cannot live under the same roof and it’s time to move on.

When I am in a room full of people, ‘moving on’ is the topic that the majority of people can’t seem to get a grip on. I mean, why should we expect anyone to be civil and mature during the break-up when they were a complete imbecile during the relationship? It seems shocking that a person can act so immaturely during it and then they turn around and really nail you to the wall when you thought you’d both decided to part ways. I would go so far as to say if you are still at war, you are not truly free of them.

Let’s cut to the Facebook murder that happened recently. From what I understand, the woman turned her status to ‘single’ after moving out, the guy lost it, she didn’t return phone calls and then he paid her a visit that ended in her losing her life. Shocking you say? Well, yes…and completely inexcusable, but I have not only been in near death situations but have been the person intervening and prying the two individuals apart to inhibit a death. Crazy, huh? Our emotions have the capability to drive us into a state of being OBLIVIOUS.

To be oblivious is to be unaware. When we are oblivious to what is going on, we have lost control. Because we are a naturally controlling society, we just love to control each other’s actions. It makes us totally loopy that we cannot make our now-an-enemy do what we NEED them to do. Why do we have this need to control? Like, we freaking NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED to control. It burns in our veins…we HAVE to make them hear us. We NEED them to see it our way. How long can we slam our head off of cement before realizing that a) our craniums cannot handle it and b) the other person hasn’t budged to assist us?

Back to moving on. I think what makes it so complicated is that our need to control stems from being hurt and when we are hurt, we want to do the hurt transfer. ‘You made me hurt, so I am now going to give you the hurt I am feeling. Vengeance is mine?’ Ya, well have it. It’s a burden.

If we so desperately need to get away from someone who has hurt us, I think it’s really important to recognize a couple of things. Whatever they did to us means we no longer are happy. In order to attain happiness, we need to have closure. Closure is generally associated with forgiveness, but we tend to equate closure with justice. That to me is where the confusion is. We don’t usually feel very good just because they got what was coming to them. While I believe Karma can be real, I don’t necessarily think it is something we should wish on others. “What goes around comes around” may be a truth that is very real, but the wishing it on someone else doesn’t lift our burden, it occupies our thinking time.

My big question is, if we devote all this thinking time to justice, vengeance, hate, hurt and pain, at what moment in our series of daily moments are we going to find our own individual BIGGER purpose here on earth? Does that just get back-burnered while we wallow in self-deprecation? How long are we willing to wait to truly start LIVING?

I don’t believe we can dedicate one more single ounce of energy on the childish behavior that accompanies a break-up. I believe each and every one of us has a gift, a purpose and a reality not yet discovered that we need to spend our very very very precious time on. It’s extra important that we recognize that even the person who we think is our enemy ALSO has to start devoting the same time to initiating their new life.

As individuals, is the hurt inflicted on us bigger than our reason to live? I don’t think so.

Break-ups suck…big time. I’m very experienced with them. But we simply can’t afford to give them such a high place on the priority list. For those of you who are driven to madness over it, I encourage you to lift your chin just slightly higher to see above it. It’s not worth it.

I think we’ve all fallen short. I know I have. But that’s ok, new beginnings ROCK!


“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” ~Henry Ellis

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